Being unable to let go of some issues surrounding my son's death is rooted in a deeper problem on which my grief was super-imposed. I would say I was conditioned from childhood to expect perfection in myself which I apparently carried into adulthood. So it is very difficult for me to accept the mistakes I may have made with Chris and with law enforcement and the medical examiner. I want a do-over on these things. I also want all my unanswered questions answered. In short, I want the truth to come out and for Chris to have justice. Unfortunately, I think it is up to me to rectify events and get all the answers.
The sad fact of the matter is I do not have this power. Neither I, nor you, have power over the universe. I cannot change human behavior. I cannot make people talk. I cannot control law enforcement. What I can do is acknowledge that I do not have super powers. I have to heed the words of my own private investigator. He told me I could spend the rest of my life and all my resources trying to get to the truth to no avail. There was lack of official cooperation, missing and destroyed evidence and deceit.
Now there are probably some people who think I should not let these things go. And you know what? I don't have the power to control what other people think either. The only power I have is within me to accept what is and what happened. I am all I can control with God's help. This is what the Serenity Prayer is all about... wisdom to know the difference between what can and what cannot be changed.
I can still hope that Chris will one day get truth and justice. It just cannot be my focus if I am to move forward on this journey. I have to stop letting things over which I have no control eat me up inside. To that end, I will continue to use the steps in Kathleen O'Hara's book, A Grief Like No Other.