tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81681300247203613592024-03-14T05:26:49.426-07:00May Your Laughter LiveMAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.comBlogger115125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-58388107457530705742024-01-19T15:54:00.000-08:002024-01-19T16:37:40.967-08:00SUICIDE SORROWS ARE EPIDEMIC<p>A veil of sadness, loss of purpose and loss of self-worth have descended upon the world. This is causing a rise in severe depression resulting in suicide especially in young people. In the United States the chief cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds is suicide. This is shocking and alarming. Kids whose lives have barely started, are giving up on life.</p><p>I noticed I had numerous readers from Singapore. I do not know any readers identity, but this program allows me to see the number of readers from different countries around the world. I was curious to learn why my blog would have so much appeal in Singapore. I learned that suicide is also very prevalent in Singapore, particularly in ages 15 to 39. Astounding, as well, that persons about to embark on life or in the prime of life are killing themselves. The rate of suicide is up 24% since WWII according to author and Pastor Max Lucado in a recent podcast interview.</p><p>I believe these deaths bring unique and added sorrows for the parents in any culture who lose a child through suicide. First of all, why, why, why did this happen? I partly understand the disbelief and confusion that surrounds the parents of children who commit suicide. My son made three suicide attempts with his prescription medications for attention deficit disorder and depression.</p><p>We blame ourselves. How Did this happen? How could I not see it? I should have known. What did I do wrong? Why didn't he/she come to me for help? Did anybody know? Are they sure it was suicide? These questions race around parents' heads endlessly. They beg for answers.</p><p>If that isn't bad enough, people, even family members, tend not to be as empathetic toward child suicides as for kids dying from accidents, foul play or disease. Almost like they are thinking, "Well, the kid had problems. This is no surprise." It's called disenfranchised grief. So feeling this is not in any parents' imaginations.</p><p>Where to start? What to do? Who can help me? I know I need help, but where should I go? The best thing to do is find a grief therapist. One who has experience with suicide deaths. Ask your personal physician for a reference. Call the social work department of your nearest large hospital. Go online. So much medical care today is virtual. Also, if you have other children, they should be in therapy. They may act as if they are all right, but believe me, they are not. </p><p>Then look for a parents' bereavement support group for parents who have lost a child to suicide. Go online to find a group nearest to you. It may mean you will have to try more than one group until one "fits" If lacking the stamina, mental clarity or ability to search out any of the above, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you. Even take you or accompany you if you are a single parent.</p><p>Strange as this may sound, medical examiners' offices often have support groups and lists of accredited therapists. Just call and ask if they can help or know someone or a group that can help. Please do these two things--therapy and support. Sitting alone at home is not going to get you through this. The grief journey, difficult as it is, is a pro-active process. </p><p>Lack of energy, fatigue and forgetfulness are all a part of grief. Don't be hard on yourself, if these symptoms are problematic. Whether you choose to take medications for anxiety, depression or sleep is a conversation you need to have with your physician and therapist.</p><p>Your child's suicide was symptomatic of the fractured world we live in. School bullying, fears of being shot in school, harmful types of social media, gender confusion, violent lyrics of some musical entertainment, violent video games and over-sexualized TV and streaming. All these portray a harmful and confusing world that is unachievable. Fiction is presented as reality. </p><p>Kids today live much of their lives online. It seems to make them ill equipped to want to talk to each other. Know how to relate to each other and to you face to face. The real world is colliding with the online world with very bad results, especially depression and alienation from home and family. There are dark forces online luring kids into a dangerous and disenfranchising cult like worlds. Some groups try to take the place of family. They, promote running away and leaving school for a life of drugs and crime. There are all kinds of predators misrepresenting themselves online.</p><p>Unfortunately, few grounding foundations remain for kids to rely on, or feel self esteem, or see a possible role in the world for themselves. And finally, to avoid danger and indoctrination. There seems to be no good or evil. anymore. No right or wrong in this world of relativism. Religious studies and church attendance have plummeted. The Ten Commandments are scorned along with the "golden rule"and the patriotism. Kids can have so many activities, there is never time for family dinners. Love of family, the Pledge of Allegiance, the National anthem, pride in school achievement, love of family values, love of country and love of God or a Higher Power are scoffed at and derided in this "modern" age. There are dangerous indoctrinations taking place at all levels of education. Anxiety lurks with news of wars and terrorism. Children hear much more hatred and fear than kindness and hope through harmful ideologies.</p><p>Adult children can have addictions, debt, marriage and relationship troubles and employment difficulties. Because they are adults, it is difficult for parents to intervene, to get information, to give advice or insist on any relevant treatment. Parents cannot control the actions of an adult child.</p><p>I say all this because many parents are blaming themselves for their children's suicides, when they were not to blame at all.You and your child have been facing insurmountable goals in an increasingly hostile world. Any child can fall prey to negative forces. Raising kids during this period in history has become a Herculean task. Trying to guide an adult child can be just as challenging.</p><p>Parents, be good to yourselves. Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally. Though this may seem like a great effort, it is a place to start. You will hear words such as closure, moving on and getting over it. These are not applicable to losing a child which is like a book with unfinished chapters and unanswered questions. </p><p>Couples be kind to each other. Women and men grieve differently. Women grieve more outwardly. While men seem to hold things in. Men think they must support their wives or female partners. Women think their male partners are not grieving. While men may feel their wives or partners are overly emotional. This places a great stress on a relationship and is a good reason to be in therapy. The rate of divorce and separation after the death of a child is high. Don't let this happen to you. You need each other now more than ever</p><p>Make sure your other children are in positive environments that align with your values. Limit their screen time on all devices. Use as many parental controls as are available. Get involved in suicide prevention efforts. Helping others will help you.</p><p>You cannot change what has happened. You must eventually accept you have been dealt a very heavy blow hard to get out from under. A hole will always remain in your heart. Questions in your mind. Helping other parents to not experience what you have, will help you move forward. Forward to pray, to hope, to ask your child to help you and to watch over you. To memorialize your child's life in a manner of your choosing. </p><p>There is a choice when your child dies. To let it destroy you or to go on for yourself and for who and what remain in your life. You can still have a productive life. Not the same life, but a life where you can extend a hand to others and find unexpected strength.</p><p>To quote Max Lucado, "Rather than despair, do the next decent thing." And, "God never gives up on you."</p><p>"But I am in pain and despair. Lift me up, O God, and save me! Psalm 69 :29</p><p>If you or someone you know has thoughts of harming or killing themselves call 988 or 911 immediately in the United States.</p><p>In Singapore, call 24/7 Hotline at 1767 or 955 for someone in immediate danger.</p><p><br /></p><p>I apologize to my faithful readers for not being there for you for an extended period of time. I have been in much physical pain from medical complications following my back surgery. You are always on my mind and with me. Please pray for me that my pain will be relieved and I will pray for you as always.</p><p>Love, Rosemarie </p><p><br /></p><p> </p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-59008897070856700052023-12-25T13:08:00.000-08:002023-12-25T13:08:11.275-08:00CHRISTMAS, REGRETS AND IF ONLY'S<p>Whenever I watch a crime show on TV, I think of my son. I told him not to go see this young woman he had been dating. I felt his life was in danger. But, he did not listen and went. He was shot and killed. No one was ever charged due to her father's political influence, a corrupt county solicitor and corrupt medical examiner.</p><p>So when I see these shows and the efforts some families have gone to for twenty to thirty years, I always question myself. I guess this one show seemed especially painful due to Christmas being here and having just been to the cemetery. </p><p>I told my husband how I was feeling. Chris's death was ruled a suicide. I never believed it, but those in my support circle, family and friends did. My husband was too ill for us to form a plan of action. He died six weeks after Chris. His death was a blessing. He was a very good man and never deserved to suffer as he did. Before Chis's viewing started, I sat down by his coffin. I placed my hands over his. I told Chris, "Chris your job now is to bring Dad home to heaven." Chris must have heard me because six weeks later, my late husband passed in his sleep.</p><p>I told my husband last night, that I could not stand going through a trial. Listening to the defense tell lies about Chris. A good kid who never had so much as a traffic ticket. Nor, could I bear to see any photos of his death scene. Plus, I was very fearful of the young woman's father. He is not a good man. He was formerly president of America's miners' union. A very tough and crime ridden outfit. </p><p>And at the time of Chris's death, he was mayor of a nearby large city. Powerful enough to keep all mention of my son's death out of the media. Powerful enough so when his daughter was fired from her job because of her relationship with Chris, he got her a teaching position with the school district in his city. I was both shocked and amazed by this. No other person with her record would ever have been given this second chance. She was not even state certified to teach in elementary education. Well, as is said, "It's not what you know. It's who you know."</p><p>I went on with my husband, "Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I shouldn't have let my fear stop me. His advice, "Don't torture yourself with if only's. You can't change what happened. It was not your fault. Don't go on with if only's, you cannot change things now or probably even then."</p><p>He is right, of course. I was so spent. So grief stricken. My late husband had been seriously ill for 10 years. In a nursing home for almost three years. I had recently finished chemo for breast cancer and very radical surgery. The two deaths and cancer treatment had all happened in 21 months time. I had nothing left emotionally and physically. I tried three different lawyers. None of whom were optimistic and advised me not to try and pursue getting justice for my son. Easy for them to say. Very hard for me to bear. A very bitter pill to swallow.</p><p>What got me through this was my faith in God and Divine Justice. Maybe I could not get earthly justice for Chris, but Divine Justice reigns above all. As a friend tells me often, "God sees everything." It is good for us to believe and remember this.</p><p>I am sure all of you reading this have your own sets of "if only's." Hard not to when losing a child. They remain as either small to large scabs in our hearts. Sometimes they bleed. Sometimes they are quiet. But always there. </p><p>Wounds of the heart that implant on our memories and emotions. Ask God or your Higher Power to help you cope. Help you accept. And even help you forgive. Do not let regrets destroy your life. Search and pray for a way you can help other parents. Or find a way to prevent similar deaths. Far better than letting negative thoughts swirl in our mind and consume our beings. We can pray to our children and ask them what to do.</p><p>God has let us survive our children. We must find his purpose in doing so. We can't go wrong if we fulfill God's will. I hope this holiday season, no matter which you celebrate, will bring some peace, some resolve and some purpose to all of us. God is always there. </p><p>"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God, and save me!" Psalm 69: 29</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-7971814945431293472023-09-18T16:51:00.001-07:002023-09-18T16:53:37.091-07:00LOST CHILDREN OF MAUI AND GOLD STAR FAMILIES<p>There is a unique terrible pain when children die tragically without the parent being with them. This is what happened in Maui and Afghanistan. I was not with my son either when he was killed.</p><p>It is very difficult thinking,"I was not there to protect my child. How did he/she die? Did he/she suffer much?What were his/her final moments like? Did he/she she cry for me? Did he/she think of God? Was he/she gone in an instant and not suffer?" </p><p>On top of all of the above, we are aware of the incompetency, lack of accountability, lack of information, and finally the feelings that we are not being told the truth. My son was shot over the breakup with a young woman who had strong political connections. Her father was the Mayor of the adjoining large city. She lied. Evidence was taken and destroyed. The police, medical examiner and county solicitor were compromised. They fought me every step of the way just to get the police report and autopsy report.</p><p>A former FBI agent who investigated my son's case for me, said as long as the young women and officials continued to lie, along with the lack of physical evidence, it would be impossible to get justice. I wrestled with this with much anguish. I still have doubts that I should have fought harder. But I have come to rely on Divine Justice for the grave misdeeds of others.</p><p>But I was one. You are many. If you unite on each of your separate causes, I believe you can succeed. Plus the whole country is watching and behind you. Even the whole world. Most people have an innate sense of fairness. They do not like what has happened to your children and how you have been treated as their parents. More people than you will ever know are behind you. Are praying for you. Keep pressure on the authorities and on the publicity. Get websites. Start a blog. Say what you need. Say who is not helping or is unresponsive. </p><p>You have been strong, though, I know you each have personal moments of grief and despair when alone and during the night. Do not give up. Justice comes to those who wait. And remember, Divine Justice is far harsher than anything man can impose. Say to your child, "May you rest in God's hands until we meet again."</p><p>Martin Luther King said, "No lie lives forever." Hold onto that. I know many thoughts keep swirling in your mind. You can try this. Write down each concern, fear, doubt, anger on an individual slip of paper. Put them in a box of your choosing. Place the box in a safe, private place. When your mind becomes tortured with every doubt and fear, calm yourself. Say, "All is safe in my box. All will be answered, not in this moment, but in due time." Hang onto hope to believe in your cause as you push others to account to you. God bless.</p><p>"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me; He freed me from all my fears."</p><p>"The oppressed look to Him and are glad; they will never be disappointed."</p><p>"The helpless call to Him and He answers; He saves them from all their troubles."</p><p>"His angels guard those who honor the Lord and rescues them from danger." Psalm 34 4-7</p><p>Praying for you to have, strength, peace and success in your missions, </p><p>Love, Rosemarie</p><p>www.rosemariekauppauthor.com</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-15008550698484719612023-08-16T11:58:00.000-07:002023-08-16T11:58:40.323-07:00EXHAUSTION<p>Losing a child brings an overwhelming fatigue---exhaustion. Plus, inability to concentrate, memory problems and feelings of despair. All of which make our exhaustion worse. Every simple task is like climbing a mountain. Even getting enough energy to get out of bed or up from a chair seems impossible. How can we possibly move and break this spell of inertia. We know we should be doing at least the everyday things, but how? </p><p>Knowing and doing are two different things. Yet, we must venture out of our protective shells to interact with society again, pay bills, wash clothes, take a shower, care for living kids, prepare meals, walk the dog, interact with your spouse or significant other, and eventually go back to work. Accept and get help where and when you can. Start with something simple like brushing your teeth. See if you can keep going or must go back to the couch or bed. That's all right. You made a start.</p><p>Next time, eat something. Something easy to prepare and soft to eat. Or have a nutritional supplement to drink or pudding. If you can manage it, a nutritional snack bar. Accept offers of people to make food for you and your family. Keep juice, water or herbal tea by your bed or chair. If you don't have these foods you can eat ask someone to get them for you at the store.</p><p>I suggest seeing your primary care doctor to make sure nothing untoward is going on physically. That the stress of losing your child has not caused old problems to worsen or new ones to surface. This may mean some tests or a referral to a specialist. It is important to take care of yourself even though you would rather just give up. We cannot and should not choose our time, so make sure you do not compound your problems.</p><p>When I saw my primary care doctor, I shared with him that I was seeing a psychologist weekly. He said he did not care how I got there weekly, even if I had to crawl, but he wanted me in that psychologist's office every week. I assured him I would go and work with the psychologist. I also joined a bereavement support group run by a nun with a degree in pastoral care. The group was excellent. There were two other sets of parents who had lost teen-aged children. It was very helpful to talk with other parents going through the same thing. In fact, Sister said it was very necessary to help process my own loss.</p><p>About support groups. I would say go to one run by a professional trained in grief and loss. There are many groups run by well intentioned lay people that may or may not be helpful. If such a group is helping you, fine. If not, see if you can find a professionally run group by calling your local hospital social services office, community outreach office. Search on the internet for grief support groups in general, or drug overdoses, or suicide near you. Put in a zip code. If you can, get a recommendation that the proposed group is well run and helpful. If this is too much for you, ask a family member to make the calls or search for you. </p><p>I would highly recommend if you have your living children, get them in grief support. Many hospitals offer such groups for children and adolescents. Kids may not really tell you how they are feeling because they don't want to upset you. They are more likely to open up in a group with a social worker or psychologist who is a stranger. It is always good to set up a "spy system" with a trusted adult relative or adult friend who you child is comfortable talking to. They can have a conversation with your child, then report back to you anything which is worrisome or what may be going on with your kid as far as problems or grieving.</p><p>This counseling is very important even if your child was not close to their deceased sibling or they did not get along. In fact it may be even more important in such a case. Medical examiner's offices also offer professional counseling for family members who have lost a child as a result of a crime. You might want to check this out if you have been affected by this type of loss of your child.</p><p>I have been setting one task a day to get done besides my personal care---a phone call or appointment I need to make, organizing a drawer, writing some especially in a journal, taking a short walk, doing some exercises even if you only get up once an hour to walk for five minutes, make a simple recipe---a favorite of yours or your family's, Read, pray, meditate for several minutes. Don't make it complicated, too large, or too time consuming. Start out small. Staying there is okay as long as we keep doing something each day. Now is not the time to organize every closet in the house. Don't even try it and don't feel guilty about it.</p><p>Start out small and gradually more energy will return. This helps memory and concentration improve as well. Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Grief recovery requires the same approach. I know it is hard, but hang in there. Better days will come.</p><p>"I was afraid He had driven me out of His presence. But He heard my cry, when I called to Him for help." Psalm 31: 22</p><p><br /></p><p>Love , peace, strength for you all,</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p>If you have any thoughts of harming yourself, call 988 or 911 for help immediately!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-82624433058046808722023-05-22T09:06:00.001-07:002023-05-29T10:56:54.070-07:00COURAGE<p>It takes courage for us as parents to go on with our lives after losing our children. What is courage?Courage is strength and fortitude. It takes faith and trust in God or your Higher Power to find courage during the most terrible times in our lives. </p><p>It takes courage and faith to realize that whatever trials or tragedies that brought about our children's deaths are now over. It takes prayer and faith to accept that our children are at peace. They are no longer suffering. They are safe. It takes courage to accept this. Of course, we would much rather have our children physically with us. But that was not meant to be for reasons we do not understand. We must seek faith, strength and understanding to get from feelings of desperation to an acceptance of this terrible loss which has happened.</p><p>Acceptance and courage do not happen overnight. It takes time and going through a gradual process. Even if your mind is so scattered and distracted, say to yourself each day, "I will find the strength and fortitude to go on. I will find the courage I need. My child is safe and at peace." Gradually we find that our lives improves somewhat. And keeps improving bit by bit.</p><p>In the beginning we find ourselves thinking, "My life is over." It is not. The death of our children is an event we never "get over." There will always be a hole in our hearts for our missing children. But, our hearts will also always be filled with love for our missing children. Gradually the hole becomes a bearable ache. Like the lessening of physical pain.</p><p>What may seem impossible today, may seem possible tomorrow or many days from now. Strength and fortitude will come. We can find the courage to go on after this terrible blow. We must set our minds to this. We must ask God or our Higher Power for the courage we will need. It will come. We can come out of the imprisonment of our desperate shell to new lives. Not one we planned, but one that has learned to survive and move forward from a terrible blow.</p><p> "....The human heart and mind are a mystery." Psalm: 64: 6</p><p>With encouragement, prayer and love to you,</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p>website: www.rosemariekauppauthor.com</p><p> If you have thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately for help.</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-66219606905254439662023-05-12T13:09:00.000-07:002023-05-12T13:09:11.933-07:00STRUGGLING ON MOTHER'S DAY<p>On top of Mother's Day looming, lately, I have been having a hard time. Tomorrow will be three months since my back surgery. It seems I have been dealing with some serious kind of pain or another for the last three months. Mental and physical exhaustion and grief are not a good combination. A vicious circle most of us have experienced.</p><p>Again I asked God, "Have I not suffered enough? "I keep picturing the images of Christ in the light and our meditation circle holding each other up. But, I still don't like this nagging feeling of wanting to give up. Not wanting to get out of bed or wanting to hide in the closet. And Sunday is Mother's Day. I think I will read some healing prayers and Psalms. Maybe listen to some guitar music. Look at photos.</p><p>Never an easy day for those who have lost our children. Not sure if I want to go to the cemetery. For those mother's who have living children, you don't want to spoil the day for your other kids with gloom for the one who is missing. You are pulled in two directions. I suggest a smaller, quieter, shorter event. Going to religious services. A nice walk where there is water or gardens. A toast to your missing son or daughter at dinner. Whatever your choice, please do not choose being alone. If you have no immediate family, make plans with a friend or another relative.</p><p>I am fortunate that two of my stepchildren and one step-grandchild have taken to me as "Mom" and "Grandma." It has truly touched my heart. I have to repeat my own advice to myself, "Remember who and what we have left in our lives." Yet, sitting here, I am overwhelmed by all the mothers and fathers who have lost children recently to violence and drugs. I remember the words of my aunt, "Why does life have to be so hard?"</p><p>I know there is no such thing as an easy life, but more and more I am asking God if He could just ease off a little bit? I lost a child and even a husband. I paid my dues. Maybe You have me confused with someone else. Check your Big Book, God. Might be someone with the same name. Not that I am wishing ill on anyone else. I just want a break from pain rotating from one spot to another and the grace to get through Mother's Day. Feel free to borrow my informal prayer.</p><p>Having my new husband has kept me going. I do not want him to be alone. Before my surgery, I even asked my daughter-in-law (his daughter) to promise me if anything happened, she and her one brother would take care of "Pop." I added I never wanted him to be alone. He means so much to me. I suppose with my blessings, I have to accept my struggles. </p><p>And so it is. Take an inventory of your blessings this Mother's Day. A spouse, significant other, living children and grandchildren, reasonably good health, friends, food, an affectionate pet, a garden, a talent, a home, a livelihood, a business, a car or freedom from financial worries. There are millions of people around the world who have none of this. </p><p>Neither our blessings or their troubles can bring back our deceased children. But we must go with what we've got. It's called "acceptance." Hard as it may be to achieve inch by inch. The one thing we can never do, is go back. So we must push, and I mean push, forward.</p><p>May we all receive the support and graces we need on this Mother's Day.</p><p> "But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, O God, and save me!" Psalm 69: 29</p><p>With love, deep thoughts and prayer,</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p> If you have any thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-65526172312706625732023-05-08T14:48:00.000-07:002023-05-08T14:48:15.849-07:00LONELINESS AFTER LOSING A CHILD<p>Loneliness is defined as feeling alone, miserable or isolated. These feelings take on a new dimension after losing a child. First, there is the permanence of losing our children. We know they are not coming back. Then all sorts of "never agains" can come flooding into our minds.</p><p>One of my firsts was knowing I would never hear my son, Chris, play the guitar again. When he was home, he was always strumming on his guitar. Playing this or that. Asking me which chords sounded better. When he died, I could not listen to any music in the house for over a year.</p><p>So many other familiar things were gone as well. His greetings: "Hi, Mom." His calling on the phone and saying, "Hi Mom, this is Chris." It always amused me because he was my only child so if he said, "Hi, Mom," who else would it be?</p><p>The familiar footsteps coming up the stairs if he was late coming home. My dog Amber and I always took that for granted. But after a friend of Chris' visited, Amber switched to the corner of the bed where she could watch the stairs. She remained on that corner every night until the day she died seven years later. I supposed she missed him saying,"Amber, you are the little sister I never had."</p><p>If I was laying down in the afternoon, Amber was on the bed with me. If Chris would come home, he would sit on the bed and pet her and talk to her. Sitting between us, Amber always gave this huge happy sounding yawn. That stopped after Chris was gone. She never did it again.</p><p>I miss the constant interruptions of his asking me how to set the washer to launder this or that particular item of clothing. I miss going to the diner with him for breakfast or lunch. Meals out became solo. I miss his wonderful sense of humor. His great laugh. His sensitivity. His keen perception. I miss his funny stories. I miss his hilarious imitations of different people. I miss having his friends around. I miss our closeness. I miss our heart to heart talks. I miss his love and affection. I miss him helping me.</p><p>I miss who he would have become. He had just finished a trade course and training in printing. Would he have continued to pursue this? Would he have married? Had kids? Started his own business? With his life cut short, I will never know. Yes, the terrible, surprising and unexpected are what happen when we are hoping for other plans. </p><p>The everyday losses and the possible future losses bring a permanent kind of loneliness. Yes, a loneliness that can isolate us in our thoughts, regrets and what if's. Right onto the path of misery. Can we turn this picture over to memories and happy moments instead of the permanence of loss? Yes, it's a heavy lift. But let's imagine we are all doing this together with our fondest memories. And our faith in being reunited with our children in God's good time.</p><p>Seek help. Get help. Give help. Despite our loneliness, we are not alone. There are far too many bereaved parents like us. We must sit quietly and tap into each other's pain, strength and determination to move forward bit by bit. Picture a large circle of parents of all ages. We are holding hands and looking skyward on a warm, sunny day. Hoping to move along on this slow journey. But, move along we can.</p><p>We will remember the good we had and who and what remain in our lives and our angel children.</p><p> "Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge." Psalm 62: 8</p><p>My love, thoughts and prayers for you all,</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p> If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 immediately for help.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p> </p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-33627927964472555152023-04-28T13:35:00.000-07:002023-04-28T13:35:11.203-07:00LIFE IS SO HARD<p> If you have lost a child, no matter the age or cause, I do not have to tell you just how hard life is. I had an experience a few nights ago. Recently I had a lumbar spinal fusion. I am supposed to avoid bending or twisting. Have you ever counted the number of things you drop in the course of one day? I was in my bedroom closet and struggling with something not going my way, when I broke down and had a little conversation with God.</p><p>I asked Him. Pleaded with Him. "Have I not suffered enough? I have had it God. It is time to come home to You. I am done with life." I listed all my travails with my health. Losing both parents within eight weeks of each other. Caring for a husband with a chronic illness for ten years. And finally losing a son and husband within six weeks of each other.</p><p>We all have our moments. When I was done my rant, a picture and presence of a tranquil Jesus, who was kneeling in prayer and light, came to me. I interpreted this to mean Jesus is always there for me. Will always help me. This gave me comfort. This was God's answer. I felt comforted and strengthened. Several times this week, I had to stop and recall that image. Renew my faith and say a short prayer.</p><p>Sometimes that is as much as we can do---go from moment to moment because grief has overwhelmed us. Grief brings anger, frustration, despair, hatred, revenge, helplessness, injustice. A full range of negative emotions. It is difficult to control some wounds of the heart. But, we must in order to to move forward eventually.</p><p>If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know I speak a lot about grief involving choice. We have to choose to overcome or envision ourselves stepping out of our despair. In other words, not let the loss of our children destroy us. It is a conscious decision we have to make when you realize these negative emotions will not allow you to resume living.</p><p>I am not saying forget what happened or you must forgive anyone responsible. What we must do is accept what has happened. Not to let the death of your child forever eat you up with anger, hatred and despair. It is another spiritual dimension from asking "Why God? Why? Why did you let this happen?"</p><p>We need to take a big step up with courage to accepting the weakness of our humanity. Acknowledging to God, "I need your help, God, and I need it right now!" It's okay to tell God you are angry at Him for what happened. Then ask Him how to get through what has happened? How to go from tragedy to remembering better times? How to find a way to honor your child? How to find a way to help prevent other children from the same fate?</p><p>Consider donating to research. Help groups who support deceased military and law enforcement members. Help others as you help yourself by joining a support group for parents who have lost a child through suicide, drugs, MVA involving alcohol, cancer, homicide. Advocate to get a stop sign or traffic light installed where your child was killed by contacting local officials, attending council meetings. Ask someone to help you by looking up on the internet groups and methods appropriate to your loss. </p><p>Although time helps, grief does not go away, magically, by itself. By sitting alone day after day on the couch. By hiding in the closet. By denying anything happened. </p><p>Grief is an introspective, interactive and, I believe, a spiritual process. I found I had to meet with people who had experienced the loss of a child as well. And, also, turn myself over to a higher power. To have faith in God. To others, have faith in Yahweh or Allah. </p><p>You can get through the loss of your child. You can go from despair to finding living and purpose once again.</p><p> "God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." Psalm 46: 1</p><p>If you (or a family member or friend) have any feelings of wanting to harm yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 for help immediately.</p><p>Peace, hope and love,</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-62142422824866227812023-04-18T11:41:00.000-07:002023-04-18T11:41:36.436-07:00DESPICABLE COWARDICE<p>Yesterday, I witnessed the most despicable display of cowardice and meanness by United States government officials that I have ever seen. I have great empathy for the parents and families of any of the beloved children or loved ones who were attacked, injured or killed in one of the United States' major cities. Parents and families were asked to testify before a congressional committee. Why? The local District Attorney is accused of misdirecting his efforts and resources in place of addressing crime and the deterrence of crime in his district. Violence statistics and little or no punishment for violent crimes in his city would support this claim.</p><p>One set of Congress members listened respectfully and expressed appropriate comments and sympathy. The opposing side's comments were despicable. No other words, but despicable and cowardly. They ignored the parents' and families' concerns and visible pain as they recounted their horrifying experiences. These members of congress told these people testifying they were no more than political pawns. They expressed no sympathy and one or two even laughed. Laughed at these distressed citizens.</p><p>I called those members offices this morning to tell them I knew the pain of losing a son to an act of violence which apparently they did not. I told them their words and actions were despicable.</p><p>I feel as if a dark cloud has descended upon me today in seeing such a display of a lack of empathy and cowardice. Directly in the face of these very hurt and troubled folks. Who does that? I will tell you. People who are not fit to serve in the US congress. People who are pawns of their own political party. People who have long ago lost any sense responsibility for serving US citizens in place of enriching themselves.</p><p>I am sick of seeing the number of teens and even younger children shot and killed by illegal guns everyday. The numbers are higher than ever. And who is there to support these parents? I am. I feel your pain. To the extent that I can publicly speak or write for you, I promise that I will. I will continue to to stay on local, state and federal politicians. </p><p>Those of us who have lost our children have a voice. It can be difficult to find our voices so people in power feel our pain. To be our own advocates to honor our lost children. To try to keep this violence from happening to other parents. Well, I am no stranger to calling my US congressional representative. I am no stranger to calling the US Capitol. I will continue to do that.</p><p>I know many of you do not have the motivation and energy to act because you are weighed down by your grief. I understand. For many of us we feel our lives or a very big part of our lives died when we lost our children. It is like a book whose last several chapters were never written. </p><p>I feel weighed down myself today and more than anything so angry and frustrated by what I witnessed. I question who is there for us? Who can recognize our pain, our frustration, our anger and finally our lack of justice?</p><p>The homicide rate is so high now in the US, that police officials say that it is possible to solve less than half of these crimes. That is hardly reassuring to any parent or family who has lost a child or other family member to an act of violence.</p><p>I ask myself when will it end? When will school shootings end? When will we have responsible politicians who will help us? Right now, it is not looking good. If you have the energy, call, email or write your representatives and senators. The phone number for the US Capitol is 202-225-3121. Just ask to be connected to your representative or senator by name. I hope some of you can call. We need to have a voice. A feeling that someone knows our pain and can enact legislation to curb this violence and end school shootings. We need hope not discouragement. But, most of all we need action!!!</p><p> "The helpless call to Him and he answers... " Psalm 37: 5 </p><p>With love and hope,</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p>If at anytime you feel helpless or have feelings of wanting to harm yourself call 988 or 911 immediately for help.</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-1236506539990233202023-04-08T09:37:00.001-07:002023-04-09T05:07:23.597-07:00RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS TEST FAITH DURING TROUBLING TIMES<p>Here we are during Easter, Passover and Ramadan. Times which should be devoted to faith and peace. Yet, not only are we grieving the loss of our children, but we are seeing troubles worldwide. The war in Ukraine with unspeakable crimes, especially toward women and children. A once beautiful democratic country reduced to rubble. Tyrants in Russia. Plus China, Afghanistan and North Korea remain on the stage as bad actors. Always saber rattling about nuclear weapons. </p><p>And much division, unrest, hatred, crime and violence in the United States. Brought about by a political party in the White House and Senate that has acceded their power to a very radical, fringe group of progressives. A group bent on gaining power by eliminating political opponents by any illegal means. Their tyrannical ends justify their extraordinary, malevolent means. Causing economic struggles, fear. confusion and governmental retaliation towards many law abiding, hardworking, tax payer Americans. Their supporters think the government owes them everything. Or they are wealthy elites with long time family money, wealth from the financial or tech world, entertainment, pro sports or political positions who are insulated from the real world. But challenge or expose them at your own peril. So much for American freedoms.</p><p>All this weighs heavy on me and I believe many of us as we try to find some peace and meaning in a path forward from losing our children. But, there is no good news. We see corruption and punishment of the wrong people. Retaliation toward people. Withholding of much needed aid from people in a town devastated by a toxic chemical railcar accident. Why? Because the population did not vote the "correct way." How many young children will become ill and maybe die from the long term effects of these toxins?We are in fear so we remain silent. And we have enough to deal with our own personal tragedies which sap our energy and motivation.</p><p>I am ashamed to admit when the natural time comes for the President and many in his party to meet their maker, I hope they will rot in hell for the evil they have created on this earth. The suffering they have caused while assuring us what "good Catholics' they are. Well I am Catholic. Their statements and actions are not only wrong, but evil. I express my disappointment that Pope Francis has not excommunicated these US politicians whose actions and statements are antithetical to Catholic doctrine. But of course, they would retaliate by probably finding cause to close all Catholic churches and schools and forbid religious instruction nationwide. The US has become a twilight zone.</p><p>So on top of our own personal tragedies and problems, this is where the United States is. In a state of tyranny where the American has died because of deceit, greed and something called "progressivism." A movement that supports coming after school children and parents to tell them that any perceived problem the child may have is coming from unrecognized transgenderism. Yet when the trans movement fixes such children, there is a 50% suicide rate. And pre-teens and teens are so confused by what these trans radicals are preaching, that depression and suicide is rising at astounding rates among these age groups. </p><p>How can this agenda be legitimate if they have to use fear, force, unrelenting persuasion, threats and even violence to achieve such abysmal results. This is not a legitimate health issue, but a means to gain control of our kids, strip parents of their rights, take over school administrations. They want to destroy family and traditional values. The agenda is really Marxist based to achieve power, control and greed. Mostly in predominately White schools, but no inner city majority minority schools. I wonder why that is? It makes me even more skeptical of the legitimacy of the trans movement. These are disturbed, malevolent, Satanic inspired people who would bring such harm to children, parents, families and mostly biologic women as well.</p><p>If you have already lost a child and have living children, you must come out of your stuporous grief to protect and to find out what your child is being taught in school. Who is allowed to come into the school and what are they doing there? Who is funding them? What books are in the school library? Are Drag Queen story hours being presented? If what you find out is not to your approval, insist that your child not go to the library or be exposed to Drag Queens who are ADULT entertainment.</p><p>I have laid a lot on your plate which is not religious services, lilies, traditional foods or Mecca. But our living children must be protected. Must be allowed to have an actual childhood free from distressing and very confusing thoughts. Free from inappropriate sexualization. Free from outlandish, even scary. adult entertainment. The children I have seen at Drag Queen shows are not happy and having a good time. That is a LIE. They look absolutely frightened by the bizarre goings on and bizarre "Queens." Because they do not have their own kids, does not mean they have the right to have access to ours.</p><p>If your school district does not see the need to protect its students, then home school or send your child to an accredited religious school. Often, there is financial aid available.</p><p>This is not really the blogpost I intended to write. I wanted to wish you all a spiritual, peaceful, renewing religious holiday. Perhaps, it is the blog the Savior, Yahweh, and Allah wished me to write. To save many children from Satan. Evil is apart of our world. Satan never quits.</p><p>This is the season of fasting, praying and giving alms. If you can do nothing else, then, pray, pray, pray that our children will be protected and saved. Holiday blessings to you all.</p><p><br /></p><p>"They make evil plans as they lie in bed; nothing they do is good, and they never reject anything evil. Psalm 36: 4</p><p>"Give yourself to the Lord; trust in Him and he will help you." Psalm 37:</p><p>Wishing you peace and strength. Time to reflect. Time to remember. Time to celebrate your child's life. Time to contemplate the future. Time to move forward no matter how slow.</p><p>My love and prayers, Rosemarie</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-21692304100571402392023-04-03T15:36:00.001-07:002023-04-03T15:36:45.802-07:00THREE MORE CHILDREN WHO WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER ICE CREAM CONE<p>More children and school staff were killed by an armed intruder last week. My deepest sympathy to these parents and families. Will this time be different? Will politicians send their thoughts and prayers, shake their heads and then walk away. If they are not part of the solution, then they are most definitely part of the problem. There is a lot of legislation that can be passed to stop these shootings.</p><p>Politicians are too cowardly to pass legislation to stiffen penalties for school shooters. To make a school shooting a federal death penalty crime. To make any shooting death in which an illegal gun is used a life long prison sentence or death penalty for adults. And a life sentence for the seller of any gun used in a homicide. But politicians lack the guts to stand up and take a tough stand regardless of who the shooter is. Instead of sending billions to foreign countries, how about some billions in the US to provide federally funded mandated security for all schools. The US has problems too and school shootings have become a very big problem.</p><p>Race, ethnicity, age, gender or identified gender should make no difference when a person kills kids. Political correctness is out of place for anyone who indiscriminately mows down kids and school staff with a gun. No mercy. But Congress can't seem to understand this. Soft on crime, cashless bail, no incarceration, no death penalty is the trend of the justice system. And what has this accomplished? Unprecedented increases in crime all across the nation. No one is safe anywhere in the country at any venue. There are fatalities with shootings, stabbings, car jackings. We have reached all time crime records in many large cities. And take public transit at your own risk of death or assault. Barbarians are living among us because there is no fear of any consequence. The inmates are truly running the asylum.</p><p>Justice reform for whom? Not these parents and families. Already, certain groups and the media want to make excuses for this recent shooter because of her choice of gender identity and lifestyle. But that was HER choice. Her choice to turn her bedroom into an armory. She is not the victim here. Three dead children and three dead adults and all their parents and families are. I fear she will long be remembered for the wrong reasons. While these parents and families whose lives are forever changed will soon be forgotten. Left to get through life as best they can. Along with the siblings and all the other children who had to experience this horrific event.</p><p>Money spent on foreign countries and illegal migrants should be used here to provide adequate mental health care. We do not have enough psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers for the number of people who need psychiatric services. There are not enough inpatient beds for the chronically psychotic mentally ill persons who pose a danger. There are parts of the country that have no nearby mental health clinics. The process of involuntarily committing a persons who are a danger to themselves and others is so cumbersome and subject to appeal that most psychiatrists don't even try. And if they are successful, there are too few places to put dangerously disturbed people. So dangerous people are discharged in 72 hours. Told to take their meds and return to this or that place for meds and out patient treatment. Which almost none do. They wind up with no care, many times homeless and a risk to themselves and others. </p><p>What is Congress doing about the mental health crisis in America? Nothing. We are facing cowardice, corruption and an incompetent, compromised president in the Oval Office. Sending weapons to Ukraine when we need school security throughout the US and mental health and addiction services in our schools and communities. And sending $55 billion to the Middle East and Africa to protect various countries borders and establish health initiatives. We need US border control and need health initiatives in the US too.</p><p>Biden's first response at a public event immediately after this latest school shooting was to first make jokes about ice cream. When there were three dead children who will never have an ice cream cone again. There have been 401 Children killed in US school shootings. There have been 467 children killed in the Ukraine war. The US is also fighting a war on it own soil. Biden briefly mentioned the tragic event. Pushed for a ban on assault weapons. Then went back to the ice cream jokes. Having missed the irony of what he was saying about enjoying ice cream. He is not tone deaf. He is significantly cognitively impaired. So, no help there. That leaves Congress and the Supreme Court.</p><p>Schools are soft targets because there is no security as in a well armed guard. There are plenty of retired military and law enforcement officers as well as policemen leaving their jobs in droves. With federal money, every school in America could be made safe. I will be calling my Congressman. I suggest you call yours. Maybe it will do some good. Before another school shooting takes place. And, sadly with no changes in security and mental health, it will happen again. One commonality in school shootings is the shooters are copy cats.</p><p>I can only leave parents who have lost children by being shot words of comfort I borrowed again from Sister Joyce Rupp of The Sister Servants of Mary from her booklet, "Prayers in Time of Suffering."</p><p>"In this time of my grieving carry me on strong wings.</p><p>Be my patience day by day when the heartache refuses to leave.</p><p>Be my strength when I am exhausted.</p><p>Be my hope when I feel overwhelmed.</p><p>Be my faith when I do not understand.</p><p>Be my trust when I am distraught.</p><p>Be my peace when I am filled with tears.</p><p> Amen</p><p> Isaiah 40: 1</p><p><br /></p><p>Both children and parents are guaranteed LIFE, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in the US. This does not appear to be happening unless you are a criminal.</p><p>May God's love, care and mercy be upon those of us who believe in the rule of law.</p><p>My love and prayer for your children and that we will see no more murder and grief.</p><p>Rosemarie</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-81021372483841134352023-04-01T16:07:00.001-07:002023-04-01T16:07:27.369-07:00A VIEW OF TRANSGENDERISM FROM A BEREAVED MOTHER & SCHOOL NURSE. <p>Dear Transgender Community:</p><p>I am making a departure from my usual writing for bereaved parents as I believe this topic to be of interest to all parents, teachers, school districts and the LGBQT community. I write because I want to spare other mothers and fathers the immense pain of losing a child. Life is hard for everyone. I am sure there is pain in the transgender community. But, if you do not have a child, you cannot possibly understand the horrific grief of losing a child. And how a parent's life is never the same. </p><p>I believe there are true transgenders just as there are true gays and lesbians. Probably have been from the beginning of time. The transgender population in the US is approximately 1.8% of the population in recent years. Except in Washington DC, it is 2.8% probably due to two large lobbying groups there. The LBGQT population represents about 3% of the US population.</p><p>Being a nurse, I researched if there was any way to diagnose transgenderism other than through behavior or a psychological evaluation. I came across an interesting university study which used brain MRI's for 164 individuals who did not identify as transgender and 164 people who did identify as transgender. All the 164 individuals who did not identify as transgender, had no brain changes. All the 164 individuals who identified as transgender had brain changes in their hypothalamus. Most specifically, in the area of the hypothalamus which controls body image and gender identity. </p><p>I, personally, believe there was no further investigation into this finding or further research funds due possibly to political correctness. It may not have been the result that was wanted, appreciated or expected. That being said, it is my opinion that any child, teen or adult concerned about confirming their gender identity, should have a consult with a neurologist to get a brain MRI. </p><p>This is only prudent medical practice. Who undergoes hormone therapy which results in huge bodily changes and life long lasting effects without having any studies or imaging? The same for surgery. Who undergoes any surgery, especially, drastic life altering surgery without a diagnosis confirmed by studies or imaging?</p><p>I, in no way, want to offend or give a difficult time to any transgender person. But, I believe your cause has been put on steroids by insisting on going into every US school to "find" and "support" unrecognized transgender students. Not every kid who is special needs, shy, unconfident, depressed or being bullied is as a the result of unrecognized transgenderism. You are a tiny minority. Accept and live who you are. Be happy with who you are. </p><p>Indoctrination of young kids and teens to believe they were assigned the wrong gender at birth or that all their problems are the result of not knowing they are transgender is wrong. You would do much better to understand and accept that a child belongs to the parent. Not the school. Not the State. And most certainly not to the LGBQT community. So my advice is change your methodology.</p><p>It is never a good strategy to insert yourself between parent and child. It just doesn't work based on my own experience as a school nurse for 38 years and as evidenced by many heated school board meetings. I know there are federal funds which can be used in the schools to promote your agenda. This had to be approved by the teachers unions because in some cases you have replaced school staff.</p><p>I would suggest you use that money, instead, to establish parent support groups. Where you can have parents who suspect their child is transgender or the child has told their parents that they believe they are transgender come for support and information. Not persuasion, not indoctrination and not rebuke as to what terrible parents they are for questioning their child's gender identity conflict. Whenever you have to force, hide or threaten a point of view, it may mean the child is not transgender. There are other studies to show 90% of kids nine to fourteen years old outgrow the idea they are the opposite sex. Same with teens under seventeen. Ninety percent outgrow the idea.</p><p>Very troubling is the statistic that 50% of those undergo gender reassignment surgery commit suicide. That needs to be studied vigorously. Was it that gender identity was never their problem or they were not happy in their new identity or unable to adjust to the change? Many others are coming forward to say they regret their decisions to have gender reassignment surgery. The United Kingdom recently closed their transgender treatment facility because after many years, it was concluded they were doing more harm to kids than good. </p><p>I believe if a child is truly transgender, both parent and child know this at an early age. This is where a support group could do a lot of good. Experts in the field could give presentations to parents. Information that is much needed. Then be there for them as support and let matters evolve on their own between parent and child. Support parents getting other opinions. Help parents with school issues.</p><p>The thing is, if you protest too much, want to control too much and force yourselves into every school in the US, what does that say? It says you appear to be attempting to recruit innocent kids into a cause that is yours, not theirs. You cannot force kids and adults into being transgenders when they really are not because you want a large transgender community. The statistics I have cited do not support the validity of your methods. Remember what Caesar said, "Yon Cassius doth protest too much."</p><p>You are bringing negative attention upon yourselves and the LGBQT community. I don't want that and neither do most people. You have your lifestyle. Embrace who you are, not who you want others to be. Help each other. Be there for adults who want to explore their gender identity and need support. </p><p>I estimate from my annual reports, as a school nurse, I saw a total of 729,000 kids just for injuries and illness. Not counting the additional number of kids I saw for the various screenings I was required to do. As I was 30 years in high school, I can tell you I had kids who were gay and kids who were lesbian. </p><p>Out of All those kids, I had ONE transgender young man in tenth grade who was very open about his sexual identity. His father accepted his decision. His mother did not so he lived with his father. He dressed as a male. Used the boy's bathroom. Was beginning hormone therapy. Told me he had to live a year as a woman to adjust to the change before doctors would do his reassignment surgery. I asked him, because I wanted to see if I was right, if he knew from an early age, he really wanted to be a girl. He was surprised and asked me how I knew. I said, just a belief I had about transgenderism.</p><p>I notice that you seem to go into all white, mostly suburban, schools rather than majority minority schools in large cities. Why is that? Is there some hidden agenda? This makes me question if everyone in your movement is truly who they say they are. Hard to trust people and know their motives. Your forceful desire to sexualize children from an early age through teens is what I find objectionable. It is unwarranted, IMHO. Certainly unwelcome by parents. And I believe as a mother and a nurse harmful and confusing. The business of children is academics and play not exploring their sexual identity when they never questioned it in the first place. What are you trying to prove?</p><p>I will leave you with an interesting quote from Lenin: "Morality is entirely subordinate to the interests of class war. Everything is moral that is necessary for the annihilation of the old exploiting social order and for uniting the proletariat." Any means justifies the end.</p><p>I don't know, but suspect, some of the trans community may using transgenderism as a way of destroying traditional values to promote Marxism. Be cautious. Millions upon millions of people have died, starved, suffered and been imprisoned under Marxism. If part of your agenda is to promote Marxism, be very carful what you wish for. The glories and successes of the proletariat never existed anywhere in the presence of these evil, dark forces. Nor will they for you, the LBGQT community or any of us. </p><p>Much better if we peacefully co-exist without forcing each other one way or another. Without censoring each other. Without interference from each other. Without destroying each other. Without threatening each other. Without silencing each other. Without hiding information from parents about their child. Without believing in victimization, but rather autonomy and achievement. This is the American dream possible for all of us.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-24455354376541176682023-03-22T12:21:00.000-07:002023-03-22T12:21:41.429-07:00OUR "NEW NORMAL"<p>The "new normal" is far from normal with more and more kids dying from drug overdoses, suicide, violence, mass killings and a pandemic with many versions as to origins, restrictions, treatment and prevention. It has taken a very great toll around the world. I question if we will or can ever return to a pre-pandemic society.</p><p>Those of us who have lost a child know our "new normal" is hardly normal in any way, shape or form. Every aspect of our lives has changed. Our time will be forever punctuated by the date, time and manner of our children's deaths. We most likely will always feel some level of guilt, regret, sadness, even brokenness, and fear of the future if we can even foresee a future. Nothing has prepared us for these tragic events. How could it? We find ourselves shutting off from relationships and society. Even wishing the world would just go away.</p><p>Add to that, the post-pandemic "new normal" is far from normal. Staggering numbers of kids from pre-teens on up are dying from suicide, drugs or violence. And a small number of young children and more adult children have died from Covid or possible vaccine complications.</p><p>I am concerned that the Covid pandemic has made things even worse for us as bereaved parents because of the enforced isolation. Now that the pandemic is supposed to be over, I fear the isolation is not. It has become the "new normal" not only for us as bereaved parents, but for everyone. Let me explain.</p><p>I have family of my late husband with whom I was very close. Because of significant health risks with their family members, they limit their contacts. I never see them anymore. I have family in Spain I would love to visit, but my own health risks have made me very fearful to travel so far away. I still miss my two dear friends---one who ended our friendship and the other who has moved away. </p><p>My husband and I only go to restaurants on off hours. We no longer go to movies, fearing that they, too, are a risk. Apparently a lot of other folks do, as well, because several of our nearby movies are closing. I used to go to church, but now I livestream the services because I just had a very serious back operation. Three of my lumbar vertebrae were fused. Two rods and six screws are now part of my ever increasing not so normal "normal." That leaves the four walls, the internet, the phone, books, TV, a beautiful view from my condo and of course my wonderfully devoted husband.</p><p>I am going to very honest. My post-operative recovery has been extremely painful physically which makes recovery mentally, emotionally and spiritually very challenging. This is my fourth spinal surgery---two neck and two lower back operations. I am feeling, somedays, I have kind of had it with life. I am telling you this, so you can feel it is possible to go on against nearly impossible odds. I am really down, yet here I am writing to you.</p><p>I don't want to take my life. But I have pleaded with God several times in the last week to please take me. I have told him that I have suffered enough. I just can't take anymore pain emotionally or physically. I would like to see my son, late husband, dog, parents and in-laws. Well, apparently God doesn't agree. So with His grace, I am struggling on with faith and my excellent husband. I thank God for him many times a day. I have a beautiful home and caring friends even though I don't see them.</p><p>Much has changed and not for the better. There is increased depression among pre-teens and teens along with self-mutilating. Suicide is the leading cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds! Increasing numbers of kids are unwittingly over-dosing on Fentanyl disguised in other pills or forms of candy. And for long term addiction, there are not enough treatment services available. Nor mental health services or personnel available for acute and on-going episodes. There has been increased violence everywhere and, most alarmingly, increased mass shootings and other methods of mass killings.</p><p>To those parents who have lost children by drugs, suicide or violence, I am sincerely sorry for your losses. Often, you do not get the same type of sympathy or empathy as the parents of kids who die from illness and accidents. It is called "disenfranchised grief." Somehow, maybe subconsciously, people blame the child or parent for the death of their child. As if to say, "What did you expect? Your kid was or drugs." Or, "Your kid always had problems." And, "The kid was always trouble." It is so wrong. The loss of a child is always the greatest grief to bear regardless of the manner of death.</p><p>My recommendation is, if your child died by drugs or suicide, go on the internet and look for local parent support groups specifically for death by drugs or death by suicide. Or call your local hospital social services department to find out if they have or know of any specific groups nearby. And don't forget your other kids. They will need counseling and support as well. Often, mental health centers and hospitals have support groups for kids. Please don't ignore this. As a school nurse, I came across many kids who were grieving for a lost sibling, but had no one to talk to. They don't want to talk to Mom or Dad for fear of upsetting them. I also recommend the book I noted in the next paragraph. If you cannot do this yourself, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you.</p><p>If you lost a child through a criminal act or any act of violence, I feel your pain. My son was tragically shot and killed. Perhaps like some of you, I never got any justice for him. Not the one I dealt with, but, police departments can direct you to support services. Sometimes medical examiners have support groups at their offices. A violent death is a unique kind of loss where you do not know what to say to others and they do not know what to say to you. Some medical examiners offices can brings in professionals trained to deal with your complex grief, seeking justice, personal safety and a myriad of other concerns surrounding the criminal justice system like charges, witnesses, pleas and trials. This takes a particular set of knowledge and understanding. There is help for you. Start with law enforcement, the medical examiner, the hospital social service department where your child may have been treated, and community groups often meeting in local churches. Check with your pastor. Check the internet for groups and the library or bookstores for books addressing all these issues. I can recommend a book called, "What To Do When The Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss." It was written by Bill Jenkins whose own son was shot and killed during a robbery at work. There is a forward by well known author Patricia Cornwell. No shame in asking someone to help you with all this. Spouses can do this together. It can help foster communication.</p><p>If you lost a young or adult child due to Covid, I am sincerely sorry for your very unexpected, inexplainable loss. I believe this complicated grief. So many restrictions on being with your child, whether young or old, at the hospital. Restrictions placed on funeral arrangements. Add conflicting science and recommendations, more confusing restrictions, maybe loss of employment as well. I can't imagine the anger and frustration you must feel. It compounds your grief when you don't have the answers or the explanations you want. I can understand your needing to know who was at fault here. So far a lot of finger pointing and few concrete answers. No way to know if history will repeat itself with some other kind of pandemic. God forbid. But there are evil world leaders. And other world leaders too weak to act, too ineffective and too compromised to demand answers, to plan prevention strategies or to even care.</p><p>We cannot change what has happened. I say, use your anger lean on your elected leaders at all levels. Let them know of your loss, grief and need for answers. If you don't like what you are hearing, vote with as much knowledge and understanding as you can gain. This global pandemic had many geo-poltical ramifications. We all have a responsibility to educate ourselves to protect our living children, spouses, parents, family, friends and others near and far. Vote wisely, no matter how bad you feel. Like my primary doctor told me, many years ago when my son and husband had just died, about going to counseling. He said, "I don't care how you have to drag yourself there, but you get to therapy every week!" So I am saying the same thing about voting. It is that important. </p><p>Life is hard. I just shake my head sometimes in disbelief. I have concluded, no one survives this world unscathed. I believe we only reach perfection and complete happiness when God welcomes us to heaven. "Well done my good and faithful servant." Until then, we must go on with as much faith and strength as we can manage. Pray. Pray. Pray. Study who and what remain in your life. It is not good for any of us to focus on our loss or losses entirely. Otherwise we cannot move forward. It is like having both feet stuck in chewing gum. Hard to move anywhere, much less forward.</p><p><br /></p><p> "Save me Lord! Help me now!" Psalm 40: 13</p><p>If you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide, call the 988 Suicide Hotline or 911 to get help immediately.</p><p>Take care. I would appreciate any comments or followers. My website is www.rosemariekauppauthor.com</p><p>Thank you. Be assured of my prayers & love for you. It may seem impossible today, but you will get thru this. </p><p>Love, Rosemarie </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-62710674135714097182023-02-01T14:13:00.001-08:002023-02-01T14:21:03.973-08:00My Heart Aches<p>My heart aches for the many parents who have lost children in the recent violence that has plagued the United States. None of these events should have happened, but they did. Several were related to the perpetrator being mentally ill. Others were "copy cat killings." That is a component of mass shootings where one unstable person is motivated to seek the same "notoriety" as previous mass killers. The parents of these killers often lose their own children under a cloud of horror.</p><p>I believe that all the details and publicity surrounding these horrendous events should stop because it is motivating other people on the fringe to do the same thing. Publicity should be on a "need to know" basis. This would include law enforcement, parents and close family members, school administrators and employers should this be a school or workplace event.</p><p>The media does not need to know or to harass anyone affected for statements.</p><p>The other obvious question is why is it so difficult for disturbed children, adolescents and adults and their families to access convenient, quality mental health treatment? How does a six year old known to have psychiatric and behavioral issues shoot his teacher at school? How can a mother suffering with post-partum depression kill her three precious children then try to take her own life? She was in a support group, but obviously, deteriorated to the point of needing hospitalization and medication. But, was that recognized and available where she lived?</p><p>As these tragic accounts become public knowledge, we see repeatedly that the individuals involved were dangerously mentally ill. Yes, the mentally ill have rights, but so do the rest of us. Should persons who are a danger to others have the right to live on a street grate? Camp in front of a business owners door and threaten customers? Push people off subway platforms? Beat a woman so badly that she loses an eye?</p><p>Why should victims, parents, loved ones have their lives forever changed, even ended, because the person who harmed them needed psychiatric care? How do the mentally ill, who have been hospitalized, get guns? They lie on the permits. A strong lobby for the rights of the mentally ill opposes a national data base of persons who should not be legally allowed to purchase a gun. </p><p>Why is it so difficult and involved in red tape for a psychiatrist to involuntarily commit the dangerously mentally ill involuntarily for more than 72 hours? Why does the US have a shortage of inpatient psychiatric beds for chronically, dangerously mentally ill patients. Patients who would otherwise not take their medications as outpatients. Wind up homeless and present a danger to themselves and others. How did living on a street grate, park bench, subway concourse or makeshift encampment on a sidewalk or in a park become a right?</p><p>Is this the best the US can do for the severely mentally ill who not only affect their own lives, but the lives of their families, school mates and ordinary citizens going about their daily business? Insuring the convenient availability of quality mental health treatment for outpatients as well as inpatients is something that should be a priority for the US Congress. This is necessary to improve lives, save lives and spare the heartache of bad, even violent, outcomes.</p><p>Young people and medical students should be encouraged to go into mental health fields with tuition reimbursement. I am not in favor of across the board reimbursement, but in the field of mental health it could be a win win situation. Right now, it is difficult to get an appointment with a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. Very few are taking new patients. Many do not take insurance so the patient has to pay high fees. There has been a rise in depression especially in teens and adolescents since Covid. The number one cause of death in the US in children, ten to fourteen years, is suicide! This is a horrible statistic. Often, situations have to progress to crises before treatment can be obtained. This can result in misfortunes all the way around.</p><p>I would urge everyone in the US to call your US Representative and Senator to demand that funding for mental health services be a priority. Plus, funding for research into mass slayings defined as the killing of four or more individuals. The phone number for the US Capitol Building is 202- 225-3121. Follow the prompts or tell the operator the name of the person you wish to be connected to. Nothing happens in the US without noise and pressure. Anyone directly affected should tell your story to your House and Senate persons. </p><p>I know countries outside the US also have violent incidents. You may have different forms of government and health care. But again, if you have been directly affected, contact your appropriate government official. Let them know what has happened to you and what remedies you believe need to be taken. </p><p>None of us can change what has happened. But, it may be possible to keep the same fate from coming to other kids, parents and families. Make phone calls. Send emails. Write letters. Ask for a response and enclose your contact information.</p><p>I pray for everyone who needs help to find help, a solution, strength and peace.</p><p><br /></p><p>"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, oh God, and save me! Psalm 69: 29</p><p><br /></p><p>I would appreciate any comments and all followers. Feedback is important to me to know if I am meeting your needs. And what difficulties about losing a child you might like discussed.</p><p><br /></p><p>May God be your refuge. Love, Rosemarie</p><p>www.rosemariekauppauthor.com</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-25093869386137973062023-01-13T13:46:00.000-08:002023-01-13T13:46:13.802-08:00WHAT DO I SAY?<p>What do I say? What do I do? Nothing can prepare you for the unimaginable death of your child. You are completely overwhelmed because your son or daughter has just died. When it comes to informing family, friends and schools of your child's death, these are a questions most readers here have all grappled with or are presently trying to figure out. We dread making some calls because we know the effect this terrible news will have on certain individuals. Whether your child has died after a long fight with a terminal illness or died quite suddenly, these phone calls are very difficult.</p><p>If you know your child's death will be certain, you can make a list of names and numbers of persons to be called starting with the most important. There is nothing that says you, as the parent, must make these calls. It may be helpful to list the aid of other family, close friends and church members.</p><p>When your child dies quite suddenly, notifications may seem impossible. Give yourself a little time, then call closest relatives and friends. Someone can do this for you with the aid of your computer list, phone contacts or address book.</p><p>What to say? Say as little or as much as you want. His/her suffering is over and he/she died. Give a time and place if you want. Say it was peaceful. I was there with so and so. Do not feel compelled to go into details. Excuse yourself by saying you have many calls. If funeral arrangements have been made, say where information can be obtained. </p><p>In the case of sudden deaths, if you would rather not say the cause, just say I am not sure what happened. The determination or investigation is ongoing. I just wanted you to know. This is where funeral information can be found. Or we don't know yet and someone will get back to you. Again, do not feel compelled to go into details. Excuse yourself quickly to "make other calls."</p><p>I know you will be in shock even if you expected your child to die. Try not to be alone. Let people help you. Fix you something to eat. Rest even if you cannot sleep. You will feel very tired and have difficulty remembering things. This is part of grief. If you cannot sleep at all, then contact your doctor to see what he/she recommends or may prescribe. Let someone get it for you. Do not drive while you are so distracted. </p><p>It will be hard to tend to personal hygiene and grooming at this time. A warm shower or bath may ease some of your distress. Just dress comfortably. Let someone help you with your other children, pets, laundry, meal preparation, food shopping.</p><p>Talk to your kids in an age appropriate fashion. If you are not sure what to say, maybe you could talk to the school guidance counselor or a school grief counselor who may be providing services at your child's school. Or call your pediatrician. Explanations may have to be different if you have kids of different ages by several years. Reassure them that they are loved and safe. That you will be with them. That you will get through this together. If they are old enough, see if they are interested in participating in funeral services. Or very young, see if they want to go to the funeral. If not, don't push it. See if you can find out why.</p><p>It is important that parents/spouses/significant others, exes, are on the same page going forward with notifications, the other kids and funeral services. Try to stay calm. Hear each other out as to any specific requests or suggestions. If relatives, etc. are coming from out of town, have the names and locations of several places where they can stay. You are in NO condition to entertain or board anyone. No exceptions.</p><p> Remember women and men grieve differently. Women are more outward in expressing their grief. Men tend to keep things inside. If men cry, and they will, they prefer to do it privately. Support each other, but give each other space. Ask, "Do you want me to be with you right now?" And nothing wrong with just sitting quietly and holding hands. </p><p>People will want to visit you to express their condolences. If you have had enough company for the day and want to rest, hang a polite note on the door: "Thank you for coming. I/we are resting. Please do not ring the bell." Put phones on "Do Not Disturb." Then get to voicemails as you can. Have some family time or individual time to rest or do as you please. </p><p>Maybe the kids need something to wear for the funeral. I would say let an aunt or cousin take them. You may not feel up to an excursion and getting pizza or ice cream which the kids will want. After about two weeks, look into grief support groups for kids. Local hospitals have them. You can call the social work department. Or some individual therapists have children's grief groups. Your child may feel more comfortable, at first, sharing sadness or other concerns with someone not a parent. Then eventually open up to you. They may fear expressing their difficulties will be too hard on you. </p><p>If you need something to wear, have someone who knows your taste, get it for you or go with you in case you need support. As far as the funeral services, as a parent you have to reach inside and summon all the courage and resolve you can. I told myself, this is the last thing I will ever do for Chris, so I have to get through it with dignity. Maybe that will help you.</p><p>Meeting with the funeral director will be hard, but it has to be done. An experienced funeral director will be able to get you through this painful experience. Planning the religious services can be confusing. Let someone you trust help you. I planned a program for Chris' funeral. A friend put it in the computer for me and had them printed out. A friend of Chris' acted as courier. Those attending were very pleased to have them. </p><p>I was on my own because my husband was very ill and in a nursing home. I did keep him informed of everything. I gave specific instructions to the nursing home to dress him in the clothes I brought. A very good friend of his picked him up. Brought him to the viewing and service at the Church. Then to the cemetery, the luncheon and back to the nursing home. This was such a help to me. </p><p>I sat at the luncheon with my husband, his sister and my niece. My husband's cousins planned the luncheon with the owner of the restaurant as they were friends. It turned out very nicely. I still remember sitting by my husband. Little did I know our time together was also coming to a close. He died six weeks later. </p><p>I hope what I have said can be a guide for you for what will, perhaps, be the worst days of your lives. Days I have not forgotten. I am glad Chris was put to rest among family and many friends in a beautiful service. Life is hard. Very hard. My faith, my pastor and several family and good friends saw me through. Pray. Ask for help when you need it. Keep a journal. Write a last letter to your son or daughter and bury it with them at the cemetery. Find a way to honor his or her life. May God grant you strength, courage and peace.</p><p>"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God and save me! Psalm 69: 29</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-19955409634986619582022-12-31T15:57:00.001-08:002022-12-31T15:58:42.412-08:00SILENCE REMAINS in the SHADOWS of GRIEF<p>As 2022 closes I find myself in the shadows of past memories of my late son, Chris, and late husband, Fred. It's like an invisible cloud passing over me now and again. And for some of us, a constant cloud always reminding us, yet, of the loss of our children.</p><p>It's not that I didn't enjoy Christmas, but a feeling of strangeness came over me as I ate dinner with my new husband's family. I thought to myself, "What am I doing here with these people? Shouldn't I be with Chris and Fred and my dear little dog, Amber?" Then I realized, that was then. This is now. This is now the life God has granted me and the life I have put together for myself.</p><p>It's not that I don't love my new husband and his family, but it is his family. I love them and care for them deeply. I am interested in their lives. And I realize, "Life is what happens when we are making other plans." How true.</p><p>I had hoped to live longer with my husband, Fred. But his suffering and disability became so great, his passing became a relief to him and to me. He died just six weeks after Chris. I had hoped Chris would have a future, a job and a family. He had just completed a his classes in printing at a trade school and graduated a few weeks prior to his death. He died on a Friday. On a Monday morning a man called my home to offer Chris a job at a small printing company. I had to tell him the terrible news. He apologized profusely for having disturbed me. And I replied I was very grateful that he had called to consider Chris for a job.</p><p>I had never really talked to my stepchildren about Chris' death. The details of what had happened. Inadvertently, it came out when my stepson was in the hospital and unexpectedly, newly paralyzed following neck surgery. He walked into the hospital, but it was clear, he would not be walking out. He was not in a good emotional state. I started telling him that for now he had a choice as to how to handle this. I began recounting Chris' death, then Fred's. And finally waking up one morning with the realization, that I could either go on with life or let their deaths destroy me. That I had a decision to make and it was mine alone with God's help.</p><p>In the background, I could hear my stepdaughter asking another brother, "What's this? I never heard any of this." His answer, "Don't ask me. Neither did I." In a way I guess it was striking that none of them ever asked me about my son. How did he die? How old was he? What did he do? One of my other stepsons lost a daughter to addiction. I shared with him early on that I had lost a 23 year old son. But not much else. It was a buy, noisy family gathering, but I think we both came to an understanding or appreciation of each other's pain. He never discussed the circumstances of his daughter's death either, but my husband filled me in.</p><p>That's kind of my point. Circumstances, memories, experiences of our deceased children, seem to remain in the background, but are always there. But, there, as shadows and clouds. Is that because we get upset talking about their deaths? Or are we afraid of upsetting others? Afraid people will not understand or appreciate our pain? Afraid of being judged which happens often when kids are lost due to suicide or drugs. People tend to gloss over that kind of grief. As if to say, "The Kid had problems. What did you expect?" This is called disenfranchised grief, where parents do not get the same kind of sympathy as when a child dies of an illness or an accident. </p><p>How can we open wide the doors to our grief? I suppose it is a matter of getting over our self-consciousness and guilt that our children died. My stepdaughter's sister-in-law shared with me that her husband had lost his daughter at 16 to a sudden ruptured brain aneurysm. Nothing could be done. As they were leaving the house, I mentioned to him that I had lost a son who was 23. We discussed our mutual grief for a few minutes then they left.</p><p>My step-daughter's husband then, excitedly, told me, "Rosemarie, don't bring that up again. It took Mark a long time to get over that. You shouldn't say anything to him to upset him." I replied that Mark did not seem upset. That he seemed to me to appear grateful, that someone who had been through this same loss, understood what he had gone through and would continue to go through. Again, it seemed like a mutual bond.</p><p>We cannot help each other and ourselves by not sharing what we have be through. How loss changes us in some bad ways, but in good ways too. But in the American culture, death seems to be a taboo topic except on Halloween when it is fantasy. There were a lot of taboo subjects in years past, like cancer, especially breast cancer. When I was a very young nurse, patients were often not told they had cancer. The family was told, but not the patient. Look how far that has come. Look at the number of TV commercials for cancer treatment centers, cancer drugs and cancer patients telling their own treatment and life stories.</p><p>If cancer can come that far out into the open, then why not grief? Why must grief be a terrible pain that is born alone? That spouses won't talk to each other about. That parents won't talk to living children about? That's not allowed to be mentioned around friends and co-workers without being cut off.</p><p>Well, let me give you my "Dear Abby" answer to anyone who tries to silence you: "Grief is something we will all have to go through. No use pretending this pain does not or will not exist. Even more so when a child dies. Please open your heart and try to listen." Let's acknowledge our humanity and take our grief out of the shadows.</p><p> "I trust in God and am not afraid...." Psalm 56: 4 "He will answer from heaven and save me..." Psalm 57: 3</p><p><br /></p><p>Keep me in your prayers and I will remember you in mine. Comments and followers are most welcome. </p><p>Love, Rosemarie</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-40727195841468199462022-12-08T14:09:00.004-08:002022-12-12T12:15:20.804-08:00DECEMBER HOLIDAYS WHEN DARKNESS IS OUR FOCUS<p> I was motivated to write this blog by a discussion of the Psalms with a group of women I joined in this spiritual exploration. This title was inspired by the last line in verse 18 of Psalm 88. The Psalm is a "Cry for Help" in Lamentations.</p><p>Whether we celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza or any combination, we are expected to be happy, merry and bright. That is a heavy lift when we have suffered the loss of a child whether recently or some time ago. There will always be an empty seat at the table, a missing place at religious services, an empty seat on the plane, missing gifts and a somber visit to the cemetery. Along with many lost dreams and never achieved milestones.</p><p>So how do we get through the holiday season under these circumstances? Forcing ourselves, sometimes, to take part in festivities when we we would rather be alone with our thoughts. How can we be there for our living children, our spouses and other family and friends? </p><p>Remember, God has given us this time with other family and friends. We still have someone. Someone who loves us and wants us to love them. Living children, spouses, our siblings and our own parents. Of course it would be even better if our deceased children could be with us, but they cannot. So, let's focus, instead, on the people, place and time at hand.</p><p>I know we may feel we are playing a role, but that's okay. We often feel we are leading two lives--one with a happy face and I have it all together. And the other face screaming, "What is wrong with you people? Why don't you understand I lost a child and I cannot really be here with you." It's okay. This is the way it will be. In time, the two identities will merge into one more collected version of ourselves. We can learn to get through our grief. Holidays will get easier as our grief gets less raw. Or some of us may go overboard with celebrations to cope with our grief. We do what we can to handle celebrations in our own way.</p><p>I would advise avoiding large gatherings if you can. I lost my son in mid-September, my husband in early November and suddenly Christmas arrived. I remember being at one gathering where I felt like Mary Lincoln. As if everyone was staring at me and waiting for me to go mad. Another, I had to leave a party of co-workers, because another nurse was going on in detail about her efforts with students with learning disabilities. My son, Chris, had ADD. I just could not listen to her. Fortunately, the hostess was a very good friend of mine. She had her son move his car. I left by the backdoor to allay my painful memories. So I learned to go to smaller gatherings where I knew everyone very well.</p><p>It is still possible to set a place at the table for a missing child. Then have a family toast to our deceased son or daughter. I also bought gifts for my son's room for several years. It just felt good to buy him a present. I still have those gifts today. I think they will follow me to my grave. Either go to the cemetery or not. Do what you can handle. I usually go, but found it difficult to go by myself. I suggest asking a close relative or friend instead of going by yourself. It is easier now because my new husband goes with me. He lost his wife and a granddaughter. So we understand that each other needs to go to the cemetery and keep old photos displayed. </p><p>There will always be people who will make stupid, insensitive remarks to you. The year after my son died, a woman at a Christmas party remarked to me, "I hope you are better now. It's been a year. You should be over all that now." I mention this so you can be prepared. I told the woman it was simply not possible to get over both the deaths of a husband and son in one year. One year's time to "recover" from grief is probably the biggest myth about grief. Also, the concept of closure is a myth. We can have closure in a legal sense if someone is brought to justice for our child's death. Justice helps, but does not bring closure to the death itself. </p><p>The death of a child is like a book with many unfinished chapters. We can imagine or write these chapters in our head or on paper. I believe this can help the grieving process. Or write about our child's happiness, health and safety in heaven. We can assure ourselves of God's mercy and goodness and that our children are being well looked after in the heavens. Try to take comfort in their well being. While we can have faith in our children's well being, I know we would rather have them with us. Of course. We have not reached that spiritual plane. We rely on our human senses. God will and should decide when we will be re-united with our children.</p><p>I wish loving thoughts and the best possible Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza for you. I will think of you and pray for you. Please pray for me. Send any comments and follow me below. Thank you. </p><p>Rosemarie</p><p> "Hear my prayer; listen to my cry for help." Psalm 88: 2</p><p><br /></p><p> If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 for help at once!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-32541327379320954052022-11-21T08:50:00.000-08:002022-11-21T08:50:22.204-08:00WHAT HAS HAPPENED?<p> "Do not pray for an easy life, but pray for the strength to get to get through a difficult one." Bruce Lee</p><p>What has happened? Unprecedented violence, evil and hatred abound. The number of grieving parents keeps growing daily. This has been especially violent week in the United States for young people and their parents and families. Seven university students were murdered in two separate incidents. No one arrested in either incident. A driver plowed through a class of 75 sheriff department recruits running in formation. The driver was released "so police could gather more information???" One recruit was killed, one suffered a limb amputation, several others were in critical condition, 25 total injured. An NYC high school paper published an article on the number of their fellow students killed or injured by gunshots on their way to and from school. More grieving and frightened parents and kids. Another night club shooting, thought to be a hate crime, with five persons killed and twenty-five injured. A little girl, in a Christmas parade, was killed in a freak motor vehicle malfunction.</p><p>Outside of the US, it is believed 437 children have died in war in the Ukraine. I am surprised the number is not higher. It must be very difficult to get an accurate number in all the devastation. This atrocity must end soon.</p><p>Another American young woman was on vacation in Mexico with some supposed friends. She was bludgeoned to death in her bedroom by one person, while another person watched. The "observer" then asked the huge sized attacker to give this petite woman a "chance to fight back." Meanwhile, someone else video taped the whole attack. Before very long, this vicious attack was making the rounds by the hundreds of thousands on all forms of social media and streaming services. </p><p>I have three questions for anyone posting or re-posting this violent, sickening video. Do you think watching someone get helplessly beaten to death is a game or entertainment??? What if this young woman was your sister, cousin, child or good friend? Then what would your reaction be? If you could watch this, get some help. You are in need of counseling, a moral compass and God in your lives. You, obviously, do not understand the value and meaning of life--yours or anyone else's. And to the evil, heartless "friends" who watched her die and then went back to the US without a care, I hope you will soon be locked up in a Mexican jail. Don't look for criminal justice in Mexico. It does not exist. And say good-bye to your parents when you get arrested. Something your friend never got to do. </p><p>Sadly, more parents have joined our bereavement ranks. A group neither they or we ever wanted to be a part of. If any newly bereaved parents are reading this, I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I extend my sincere sympathy and condolences to you and your families. I know this journey of grief is one you never expected to take. It is a long and difficult road. Please know I and others are here for you in the bleak days ahead. You will not believe or understand this now, but you can get through this by choosing to do so. I beg you, do not let your horrendous loss destroy you.</p><p>Your life still has meaning. Others still love you and need you. You still have a life ahead. It will never be the same life. But, it can be a meaningful life once again. You do not see that today, but I and many others, hope and pray you will get there. That you can possibly find a way to prevent others from dying in the manner your child may have. </p><p>My 23 year old son was also tragically shot and killed. His ex-girlfriend did not render him any aid. She lied to the EMT's. Told them my son was a drug overdose. His toxicology screen was clean. She new that because he did not use drugs. The EMT's claim her reason given delayed them. He did not get the help he needed when he needed it. But, she was the daughter of the Mayor of a nearby city. So, no accountability or justice. I have had to swallow several bitter pills. God sees all. She and her father and those involved in this cover-up will get divine justice. My faith, my pastor and the help of four excellent friends got me through to this point. </p><p>Violence is out of control in the US. I recently heard a police spokesman say, that in less than two years, homicides have doubled in the US. That only one-half of homicides are solved. No justice for the other victims and their parents and families. That is extremely alarming. He blamed the spike in homicides on the overwhelming number of ILLEGAL PISTOLS that exist now in the US. </p><p>In the largest city near me, homicides are at an all time high. Robberies and assaults have doubled. Car jackings have more than tripled to an all time high with car owners assaulted. Small children are inadvertently abducted as the criminals speed off with the cars. No one is safe. People are afraid to leave their homes, take public transportation to work or school, get gas or shop for food and clothing.</p><p>It is no secret that this blog is spiritually based. Because of my faith, my belief in God and my religious practices all giving me strength and determination, I have survived the loss of my son. My survival, in turn, has allowed me to tell all of you about my experiences with my grief and how I got through it.</p><p>Yesterday in a discussion with someone, I was told my beliefs in the power of God and religion are "irrational thoughts." I hope this person reads the above incidents and the following statistics. He expressed a desire for people to have a moral compass and treat each other kindly. I fear that ship is quickly sailing away. I expressed the belief that this was unlikely to happen. Unlikely, because the number of people who believe in God or a Higher Power and attend religious services keeps decreasing.</p><p>June 2022 The number of Americans who do not believe in God is 17%, the highest since 1944.</p><p>Dec. 2021 Gallup 47% of Americans belong to a House of worship; 53% do not belong</p><p> 2021 39% of Americans do not believe religion is important, influenced by demographics & politics</p><p> 2021 Pew---only 25% of Americans attend religious services regularly.</p><p> 2022 56% of Americans either do not believe in God or that religion is important.</p><p>And here we are. We wonder why young people have lost the meaning and value of life, as well as, hope. Hope in God's grace or a Higher power to get them through the stresses and difficulties in their young lives. To be a source of comfort even when family is not. To understand the importance of right and wrong. Why they need to respect themselves and others. Why they need to understand violence in real life is not a video game. People can and do get seriously injured, even die, when assaulted, stabbed or shot. They will not just jump back up like in a game or movie. Also, real time videos depicting violence are very painful to parents, families and friends. </p><p>I believe, we as a society, have to do more to spread the good Word in an effort to turn things around. Churches, synagogues, mosques, and other houses of worship have to do more to make attendance at services desirable, meaningful and valuable. Plus, assure the safety of children attending services or religious schools. Churches must speak publicly about past scandals and the means taken to correct them. The increased violence, social media and harmful ideologies existing now are not working for kids, their parents, their families, houses of worship and public safety. The time is here to protect kids, parents and families from physical, emotional and spiritual harm.</p><p> "Give yourself to the Lord; Trust in Him and he will help you." Psalm 37: 5</p><p>May you all be safe, well and comforted in the Lord God.</p><p>Love, Rosemarie</p><p>If anyone has feelings of wanting to die or harm yourself, call 988 or 911 immediately for help.</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-18420508078918923422022-11-14T11:09:00.001-08:002022-11-16T10:38:03.824-08:00WEARINESS<p>Weariness comes with any loss, especially the loss of a child. Or even re-visiting that loss in times of trouble. Somehow weariness descends as a dark cloud that surrounds us. To those of us who have experienced weariness, we know that even the smallest task seems like trying to climb a mountain. Doing anything requires great effort from energy that is just not there. We wonder, what is wrong with me? When will this end? What should I do? I have found there are some simple steps to get started combatting our weariness. </p><p>I find it has helped me not to be alone so I don't spend the whole day in bed. It helps to set a couple of minimal tasks each day. Open some mail. Make a couple of phone calls that need to be made. Read a few pages from a book. Respond to a couple of emails. Watch a favorite podcast. Check out a video. Do some deep breathing exercises. Read the Bible, some of your favorite verses. Listen to relaxing music or spiritual music.</p><p>It does not help to sit in one spot all day. Or to hide in the closet. A favorite of mine. Or to not take any phone calls. Another favorite. Or not eat. Eat something even if it is junk. It still counts as an activity. Or prepare simple meals---a protein and simple salad. Or get take-out delivered. Do a few items of laundry if a whole load seems like too much. Write down how you are feeling each day. Spelling and grammar do not count. Writing also helps to see progress made. List what you do each day. Do a paint by number. Get a plant. Ask for help from someone who has been there for you in the past. Who is reliable. Speak to a professional grief counselor. Go to a support group. Take a short walk outside. Go to a nearby park to sit and watch nature. Play with your pets. Consider getting a dog, a cat, a bird or a couple of goldfish. See your doctor to make sure there is no physical problem.</p><p>And pray your energy will return. All things pass. But it requires a little effort to make that happen. Very minimal effort to get the ball rolling. Do just one thing and the next day, two things and so on. Something just to get started. Ask a friend to go with you to get you hair cut or styled and colored. Get your nails done. Ask a neighbor or friend in for coffee or tea. Just put out some cookies. Chances are they will bring something. Going out or having someone in will motivate you to shower and dress. Comb your hair. Shave your face or trim that beard. Even get rid of the dishes piling up in the sink. Try to make the bed each day so you feel more like getting dressed. And less like going back to bed.</p><p>We can get through this weariness. We can be part of the world again. We can have a life again. Not the same life, but still a satisfying life. I know that might not be want we want right now. We want our child back, but that is not going to happen. Even so, I know it is possible to make it back. Bit by bit. Remember, there are others who need us. We can pray to our deceased children to help us find peace, strength and courage to get through what has happened. Try inching forward to find a way to journey this road through grief. It is not a straight road. There are detours, but it is not insurmountable. Even if it looks that way today. Live in the moment. One the day at a time. Thinking too far ahead with a negative mind frame does not help.</p><p>Most important----We must remember who and what remains in our lives. I am going through a rough patch now, but everyday I thank God several times a day for the blessing my new husband has been to me. I stay in touch daily with my sister who is not in the United States. And with her son, my nephew, who was close to Chris, and lives in another state.</p><p>I thank God for my home and my warm bed. I thank God for the people who have helped me in the past and who are reaching out to me now. God bless them. I thank God I am able to write to all of you to help you through the terrible loss of your child. I have made it out and seen the other side. I have taken a detour down a dark tributary right now. I have no doubt I will make it out again. We do not know what good can come to us in the future. I never expected I would re-marry to such a good man.</p><p>Life has it downs, but also it ups if we are patient. Getting through grief is a choice in which we need to be an active participant. It is not easy. Just start slow. We pray to God to care for our children in heaven and to help us now.</p><p> "The Lord is near to all those who are discouraged, He saves those who have lost all hope." </p><p> Psalm 34: 18</p><p>Be assured of my prayers for all of you. Love, Rosemarie</p><p>If anyone has thoughts of harming themselves or ending their lives, please call 988 or 911 to get help.</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-212326468263162752022-11-04T11:48:00.000-07:002022-11-04T11:48:55.974-07:00SUICIDE WATCH<p><br /></p><p>The suicide watch is my own, unfortunately. I don't want to harm myself. My spirit to go on has left me. I am asking God to take me home. It is just so hard and painful to go on. I feel I have suffered enough. Seeing my dear stepson, Dale, become paralyzed has just been too much. As I said earlier, it brought me back to a very dark place I had not realized I would have to grapple with again. It is true the only constant in life is change.</p><p>I feel very guilty for my wish to leave my earthly life when millions of both adults and children are ill, injured, abused and starving, yet, fighting to go on. Fighting my own cancer while my husband was so ill, my son being tragically killed and then my husband dying six weeks later all within 21 months time, I am told left me with PTSD--post-traumatic stress syndrome. The inner affliction of depression has always been a part of my life since my early twenties. The two have joined forces and reared a combined ugly head in my mind and heart.</p><p>The only constant throughout my husband's long and diminishing illness and those terrible 21 months was my dear little dog, Amber. She was always an undemanding comfort to me. A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. I started to sob because I needed Amber there to comfort me. I wanted, desperately, to see her, touch her, pet her, smell her, hear her breathe and sigh. Watch her listen as I talked to her and each time wag her tail when I would stop talking. Then we would repeat the pattern. I miss her funny antics. I wanted to be with her again. I put her photo in bed with me. I know she is in heaven with Chris and Fred. I ask them all the time to take good care of her. And Chris not to tease her. They had a sibling rivalry thing.</p><p>I miss Amber so. I know if she was here, I would feel better. But she is not and here I have been miserable for several days. Pope St. John Paul II said he believed dogs have souls. I believe they do. Some people believe in channeling. That the spirit of a dog, even a child, can come back in another dog and another child. I am not sure of that. God creates each soul for a His divine purpose. I don't think He recycles them. Another child or dog can come into our lives who very much reminds us of a late child or dog. I believe that is by God's design because He knows what we need. He created human procreation and He created dogs because He cares for us. </p><p>I wish I could get another dog who would be a little like Amber. But I live in a third floor condo, where only very small dogs are allowed. I am not really attracted to tiny dogs with very big personalities and yappy barking. I have neighbors on either side and downstairs. New hubby is not really a pet person. He would have to walk Fido due to my back problems. I walk with a cane, feel unsteady and can't really exercise or walk a dog outside. So I am kind of between a rock and a hard place. I would need a small older dog. Maybe if I can find one, hubby will give in. It makes me feel better thinking about getting a dog.</p><p>Once again I will have to make the difficult choice to go on or let this unanticipated terrible event destroy me. I know, somehow with faith and courage, I walk down this difficult, dark tributary and emerge on a brighter side of my journey. Even though it doesn't feel that way now. I have professionals I can turn to for help. Please, God, help me to feel better soon. Thank you. </p><p> "Even though I walk through the darkest valley....you are still with me... " Psalm 23: 4</p><p> "...I will hold tightly to your hand, for you will keep me safe while I struggle to find joy again." From "Prayers in Times of Suffering" by Sister Joyce Rupp, OSMS</p><p><br /></p><p>If you have feelings of wanting to harm yourself, end your life or that others would be better off without you, please call 911 or 988 immediately 24/7. </p><p>Please pray for me. Love, Rosemarie</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p> </p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-5606373114481994322022-10-30T13:10:00.000-07:002022-10-30T13:10:42.907-07:00BEING IN A VERY BAD PLACEI woke up this morning in a very bad place. I am spent emotionally. I have had two awful dreams. In one, I was driving. I kept meeting obstacles in the road and had to turn around. I also kept getting lost. Then in another I was angrily ripping apart large pieces of fabric. I was trying to get through something or to change something. I couldn't see clearly what it was. I was angry to be where I was.<div><br /></div><div>I am still angry. My husband and I were so happy. I feel like this goodness and contentment has been ripped away from us. Darkness surrounds me now. My stepson, Dale recently became paralyzed following neck surgery. It is another blow to get through. I am spent trying to help him. I cannot go down this road again, God. This is one too many burdens. Dale and his family face a very uncertain future. I do not know if I have the strength to go through this drastic change. To climb up one more steep hill filled with boulders. I do not want Dale and his family to be abandoned in their struggles. But that is what happens with chronic injury and disability. It is a lonely and isolated road I walked with my late husband.</div><div><br /></div><div>Can I climb one more mountain to be there for Dale and his family? Not today. I feel God has finally asked too much of me. Must I now relive some of the emotional horrors and physical obstacles of my son's own death? My late husband's long illness and death six weeks after Chris' death. I keep telling God, I cannot do this again. </div><div><br /></div><div>I decided it is a day to go into a dark place for a little while and then hopefully come out the in a better state of mind. This may not seem right to anyone reading this. However, I learned early on, it is better to acknowledge the rain, the clouds, the darkness and the thunder of profound grief. Then, in several hours or a day later, say, "This is it. I am coming out." When I emerge from my exile, I am able to see a day filled with light, beauty and sunshine or a sky filled with sparkling stars. I realize the power of nature and God have not abandoned me. That my life will go on in faith. </div><div><br /></div><div>I pray I will feel renewed. I pray my husband and I can get through this enormous challenge with our relationship intact. I need to get over this anger. I had not expected to be brought back to such a painful place with yet another child. I believe what happened is the fault of the neurosurgeon and hospital. I am powerless to change what happened and what will be going forward. All too familiar circumstances and painful emotions to grapple with again and to try to accept.</div><div><br /></div><div>Two days ago, I had a terrible anxiety attack after my husband and I had a difficult phone conversation with Dale. I had to take some prescribed medication to relieve it. Nothing to this extent has ever happened to me. I thought maybe I was having a heart attack or stroke. The medication helped. My symptoms stopped. I think I was so fearful of now losing the peace and happiness that had eluded me for many years. Help me God to remember and to hold onto your generous blessings of my new husband and my new family.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yet, I wonder must life be so hard, God? Have I not suffered enough? A little justice for my son, Chris. A little knowledge to stop the ravages of diabetes which killed my husband? A little mercy for my stepson, Dale, that he will walk again. That would be nice and very much appreciated. We are pouring our efforts and faith into the well. We need to see from You, the graces bestowed for our efforts, prayer and faith. Perhaps, tomorrow, I will be filled the knowledge and acceptance that Dale, a new Dale, is with us in sorrow, but in joy, in faith and in hope.</div><div><br /></div><div>Help us all get through our earthly lives, God. We are all in Your hands.</div><div><br /></div><div> "I was afraid and thought he had driven me out of His Presence,</div><div> But He heard my cry, when I called to Him for help."</div><div> Psalm 31: 22</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Pray for me, my husband and Dale, please. You, dear readers, are always in my prayers and loving thoughts. </div><div><br /></div><div>Rosemarie</div><div><br /></div><div>For anyone feeling or thinking of harming yourself, giving up or killing yourself call 988 for help 24/7.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-75967820593530936712022-10-27T08:36:00.000-07:002022-10-27T08:36:51.195-07:00LOSING A CHILD IN WAR<p>I chose to write about this topic because lately I have noticed some readers to my blog are from the Ukraine and from Russia. While I do not know anyone's identity, the blog statistics allow me to see what countries readers represent. Due to loss of lives in both countries, loss of lives to the United States and allies from war in the Middle East, I feel this topic is relevant. My blog can be translated into many languages. Just click on the very bottom of the right hand column where it says: May Your Laughter Live: Translate. Then click on "select a language" and choose.</p><p>No doubt, war is hell come to earth. Losing your child in battle, in friendly fire or as a civilian casualty brings devastation to you as parents and your family units. Comprehending the evil of leaders, the lust for power and domination, the greed for territory and resources and the denial of freedoms boggles our minds. Man's inhumanity to man. God and history will stand in final judgment to these horrific events.</p><p>Losing a child in the many circumstances of war and military service leaves parents with many doubts and questions. Answers which are almost impossible to know without the availability if an eye witness. Questions which haunt are: How did my child die? Who killed him/her? Did he or she suffer? Was he/she alone? Did anyone try to help/him her? Did he/she go to the hospital? What happened at the hospital? Why did no one call us? Where is he/she buried. Will we ever get him/her back to us?</p><p>Questions which go round and round in the heads of parents whose children are victims of war. Many questions with few, if any, answers. This is the cruelty and irony of war. Plus, anger, uncertainty, the desire for revenge raise their heads in parents' minds in the aftermath of your children's terrible deaths. How could they not?</p><p>Dear Parents, I have not walked the same path as you. My son was not killed in war. But, I do know what it is not to get justice for your child. I know what is is to be lied to by police and politicians. I know he never got the proper emergency care. His care was delayed. I know what it is not to be able to talk to the doctors at the hospital. They never contacted me. I know what it is for the police to come to you in the middle of the night with this awful news. I know what it is like to try to get answers from the police and other officials. I tried every legal resource, but got no answers and no satisfaction.</p><p>My son was at least returned to me. I was able to bury him. I am able to visit him at the cemetery. I know many of you will be denied these small comforts. Like many of your children, my son died far too young----five days past his 23rd birthday. Much too young as your children were as well.</p><p>How to go on? In your own way honor your son or daughter's death and life, either privately or publicly, as circumstances allow. If you cannot honor your child in the way you wish, at a later date, you may be able to have a larger memorial service. If you are able, do whatever you can to bring about peace and reason. Protest if you feel the need and you can do so safely. Have compassion for others and compassion will come back to you. Meet and talk with other parents who have lost their children in this war. You can share your common, profound grief and loss. Support one another for all you have been through. No one can make the journey through grief alone.</p><p>Tell God the anger and hatred you feel. God sees all and hears all. He knows the evil which has dealt you this terrible loss. God is a just God. Pray for an end to this madness. For the suffering of war to end. Tell yourself, it will get better even if you don't believe it now. Be determined you will survive. Others need you now and in the future. Do not let evil and your awful loss and grief destroy you. Pray for courage and strength. Pray for protection from the evil that surrounds you.</p><p>May God be with you. He has not forgotten you. Nor, will I.</p><p>Love and prayer, Rosemarie</p><p> "Leave your troubles with the Lord, and he will defend you." Psalm 55: 22</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-75182283653639879752022-10-20T13:16:00.001-07:002022-10-20T13:25:18.153-07:00DEATH OF A LIFE IN A LIVING PERSON<p>Today I feel as if someone has stuck a pin in me and drained all of the energy out of me. I have been transported back to many, many very difficult, sad and challenging years. I shall explain this and what may be a confusing title.</p><p>One of my stepsons, Dale, had serious neurosurgery to fuse three vertebrae in his neck thirteen days ago. Quite unexpectedly, when he awoke from surgery, he was confused and unable to move his arms and legs. He has regained the use of his arms and hands and his mental clarity, but not his legs. And he remains in pain in his neck and legs even though he cannot move his legs. He is quite overwhelmed, traumatized and depressed. As are we all as his family. This was not the outcome that was expected from this surgery.</p><p>As it stands now, the happy, independent, well functioning, and mobile Dale we knew is now gone. We have no idea what the future may hold for him, his wife and young son. This situation has been a terrible shock with many unanswered questions and no explanation for what has happened.</p><p>This has dragged me back to the time when I lost my own son Chris. Then followed by his father, Fred's, death six weeks later. I barely had the energy to get out of bed. I woke up this morning feeling okay. The phone rang almost immediately. I spoke with the admissions coordinator from the acute rehab center to which Dale will soon be transferred. As soon as I got off the phone, I felt this tremendous loss of energy and sadness. I feel on the verge of crying, but the tears have not yet come. </p><p>I updated my husband, Dale's father. Then called Dale to update and reassure him so he has an idea of what to expect. I have become the de facto point person with the healthcare personnel. I am the only nurse in the family and have had much experience in neurology and rehabilitation care for spinal injuries. </p><p>So once more, I am dragged back to the difficult situation of caring for my husband, Fred's, ten year illness. I am sure I don't need to tell you many of you the myriad of difficulties I had dealing with hospitals, doctors, nurses, insurance, case managers and insurance medical directors. I even reached a point where I called Fred's good friend and best man, who was also a good friend to the CEO of our insurance company. His intervention did help with a few problems, but not all.</p><p>And here I go, again now, with Dale. Dealing with hospitals and healthcare personnel is no easier now. If anything, it is worse. Trying to be a go between with health care givers and facilities with Dale, his immediate family and extended family. I was not prepared for this. I have thought about having to one day possibly care for my husband as we aged. Yet here I am. Immersed in coordinating caring for a disabled stepson. And thinking what if...? Can I handle this again? Can my husband handle it? And I am totally worn out!</p><p>Though Dale is still with us, will he ever be the same Dale? Will he be able to adjust to a disability? How will this affect his wife and son? How will he mange at home? Will he be able to return to his present, small, two story home if he is in a wheelchair? I don't know the answer to these questions and neither does anyone else. </p><p>My husband and I are not near Dale's home or near the hospital. I discussed with my husband the need to be there physically and emotionally for Dale. My husband also experienced, with his late wife, the same difficulties with her illnesses as I did with my late husband. It is difficult, even traumatic, for him to go into a hospital. Neither of us ever wanted to re-marry for fear of having to take care of a very ill spouse again. With the passage of time, this fear lessened. We found each other and love once more.</p><p>I also talked to my husband about the pain of losing a child. The many serious complications Dale could face as a result of his being unable to use his legs. I felt I had to tell my husband there were two dark roads he did not want to go down. The first road, "I should have done MORE for him." Second road, "I should have been THERE for him." I told him, these very dark roads are difficult to return from. I hope he understood because there is uncertainty about Dale's future. Many adjustments to be made. Many hurdles to overcome. And some serious pitfalls to be prevented.</p><p>As parents who have lost children we are bonded in many cases by the numerous health care difficulties and certainly the profound grief and trauma of losing a child. Navigating a road from this grief to try to come back to a somewhat productive life with family, friends and employment. It takes a lot of faith, courage and perseverance.</p><p>We have journeyed down the road of losing our children. A road which never completely ends and has dark tributaries along the way. And I journeyed down the road of losing a spouse. That was delayed because I could not process the loss of my late husband while processing the profound loss of my son. I have faced my own mortality both with complications from surgery and from having breast cancer. </p><p>Now I am called to journey down the road with a dear stepson who has lost the only life he has known. Lost the way his family and friends have always known him. Lost his life without physically dying.</p><p>I am doing as much as I can. As always, I turn to prayer and my faith for Dale, his family, my husband and myself. God never deserts us. May He walk with me on another journey. Saint Padre Pio says, "Pray, hope and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer." </p><p>I am hoping and praying for a miracle that Dale will walk again and I can remain strong by his side.</p><p> "Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." </p><p> Galatians 6: 2</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-32170338373628176932022-09-14T14:48:00.003-07:002022-09-14T15:02:05.715-07:00DEEP and TROUBLED WATERS<p><br /></p><p>I look forward to Autumn every year as a break from what seems, by the end of August, endless heat. Despite this and the other glories of nature Fall presents, it marks a season of sadness for me as well. I feel a sense of dread from the painful memories pulling at me.</p><p>September 19th is my son, Chris,' birthday. September 24th is the date of his death. November 2nd is the date of my husband, Fred's, death. Not exactly a season of rejoicing. Many years have passed since, but still, pain has a way of tempering the many beauties of Autumn. I am sure we all have similar seasons.</p><p>It has been a tough journey. I know it is for any parent who has lost a child. Many parents reading my words still experience intense, acute grief. We have all traveled or are still traveling a slippery slope of descending darkness and despair. With no visible or palpable relief. With many doubts as to how, or even if, we can go on. Like wading through deep and troubled waters.</p><p>Yet, here we are. I am writing this. You are reading it. We have survived. That is the first step for us. Followed by many other steps, painful and slow as they may be. We have emerged from those dark waters to realize sadly, what has happened cannot be changed. No matter how many tears are shed or how much anguish is felt, we cannot bring our children back to us.</p><p>While time may have frozen for us, the world goes on. We wonder how can this be? Don't these people know my kid is dead? Why am I still here? What's the point? What's left for me in this life? I have learned our lives still have value and much meaning. We have to find the answers for ourselves and be willing to get help when needed.</p><p>When we hang in there, painful though it may be, we come to realize we need to re-join life. We all have relationships--a spouse or significant other, living children, supportive friends, older parents, jobs and financial responsibilities. We know there is not the option to collapse and hibernate from society for the rest of our lives.</p><p>I won't lie. This moving ahead takes digging down deep inside ourselves for every ounce of courage and resolve we possess. We all need to make the difficult choice to go on. This will be the biggest challenge we will ever have to face in our lives.</p><p>We will always carry the pain of our child's loss within our hearts. But beside that pain in our hearts, we can carry the many good memories and joys of having this dear child. No one can take these away from us even on our darkest days. We can still remember our children's smiles, laughter, voices, touch and smell. Hold onto these.</p><p>Foreign as this may seem at the moment, we should not discount the possibility of new experiences, blessings and love. It is never a forgone conclusion that our lives are over once we lose a child. I know it feels that way, but it will not be permanent even when we have dark days. Go with the flow of darkness, but know tomorrow will be better.</p><p>I carried on with faith in God, devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary, extended family, a few close friends and small social outings. One of the things that is not helpful in moving ahead is isolation. Being bitter, angry and solitary for an extended period of time will not bring a child back. But it can bring us, as parents, to helplessness, hopelessness and despair. Don't go down that fork in the road.</p><p>I believe there is no way to get through profound loss without focusing on who else and what else remains in our lives. That is another part of the choice we need to make. Be pro-active with prayers for courage, strength and for some measure of peace once again. </p><p> "The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters." Psalm18: 16</p><p> I appreciate any comments or anyone who would like to follow my blog. Thanks! Be assured of my love, thoughts & prayers for you. Rosemarie</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8168130024720361359.post-6087938117768013142022-07-19T04:49:00.001-07:002023-03-01T02:09:21.824-08:00Guilt Is A Cruel Master<p> </p><p>Not only is guilt a cruel master, but for those of us who have lost a child, guilt becomes a very unwelcome, constant acquaintance. I felt terrible guilt after my son died. I thought I had committed the greatest sin possible. God had given me this child and I failed to protect him. I literally felt I was walking around with a scarlet letter, "F" on my back because of my enormous failure. I was sure everyone one knew what I had "done."</p><p>It took a lot of therapy to cope with this. I felt I could have or should have prevented my son's death. I failed to realize what danger he was in. I should have been able to rescue him somehow. I had told my son, Chris, not to return to see this young woman he had just broken up with. And not to return at all to the town where she lived. </p><p>I actually told him, "Do not go back there. I feel your life is in danger." He replied, "Don't worry Mom. I can take care of myself." Yet he had told me, "If anything ever happens to me, I have all her cards and letters in my bureau drawer." I have to admit I was not only bewildered, but very distracted. My husband, Chris' father, was quite ill and in a nursing home. He was getting worse and there was no hope for his recovery. I thought after his passing, I would have more time and energy to devote to Chris' needs. Since Chris' involvement with this young woman, he had become secretive with me and for the first time ever, began lying to me. I truly did not know what evil I was up against.</p><p>Then it happened. I had had a tremendously busy day in the inner city high school where I worked as a school nurse. I hadn't had time to call Chris. I arrived home to find a note on the kitchen table that he had fed Amber, our dog, and taken her out. No other information. This was shortly after 3pm.</p><p>I started calling Chris, but he never returned my calls until about 7:30 pm. I asked him where he was. He said in a nearby town. I didn't believe him. I asked, "For four hours?" I don't remember what he said. I asked him if he would be home by later tonight and he said he would. I thought well, as long as he comes home, he will be all right. We ended the call. A fatal mistake on my part. I was at the nursing home at the time with my husband. I remember telling my husband, "Something is wrong. Chris didn't sound right." He replied not to worry. Chris would be all right. I think I tried to call again, but Chris did not pick up. My mind was not settled, but I didn't keep trying to call him. Another fatal mistake.</p><p>I went home, changed into my nightgown. Amber and I fell asleep on the couch while watching TV. We were awakened by the doorbell ringing at 1:00 am. I said to Amber, "Who could that be? Chrissy must have forgotten his key." I opened the door and to my shock, two police officers were standing there along with one of my neighbors. They all came in and one officer gave me the terrible news. Chris was dead. I couldn't believe what they were telling me. It seemed all wrong. I kept thinking how could I possibly tell mu very ill husband?</p><p>A lot of time has passed since that fateful night. No one was ever charged with Chris' death. I still wonder if I could have done more? If I should have done more? Why I didn't realize how distraught he really was? How much danger he was in? And what extent would this young woman's father go with his political influence to protect her? The whole thing happened about six hours away from where I lived. My husband would get in a terrible state if I didn't visit him daily. And I didn't know what evil and corruption I was up against because of this young woman's father. Chris died because of her. Chris never got any justice. This has been a very bitter pill to swallow. I am sure many of you can sadly relate. </p><p>I would say I was in a fog for several years. I could not listen to any music in the house because it reminded me of Chris playing the guitar. It took one to two years to get over that. I was also in a fog because of all the morphine I was taking due to the pain of my radical cancer surgery and a previous cervical fusion. I was taking the morphine as it was prescribed. I eventually had to conclude on my own that this was a very high and unsustainable amount of morphine. It frightened me. This cancer hospital knew about managing pain, but nothing about addiction. </p><p>After prayer, I found a drug rehab center in the yellow pages. Who knew they had phone books in heaven? To make a long story short, I checked myself into drug rehab in Palm Beach Florida for a month. I was astounded to learn that I had the equivalent of a $200 dollar a day heroin habit. This upset me. I called the hospital pain clinic to inform them of my situation. My primary care physician was very angry. In every letter the Pain Clinic sent him, they reported I was doing well on the medication and showed no signs of abuse. Well, I wasn't abusing it, but I was still addicted. </p><p>I will just say, my drug rehab was a very profound experience. I became addicted and it opened up a whole new learning experience. I knew nothing about addiction lifestyles and this whole new world. I thanked God that I had had a life and would not be returning to a world where all my associates would be doing drugs. This saved me from a life of destruction. I also realized, that addiction is a symptom of a deeper psychological problem or trauma. Which is why people relapse. Because by the time addicts come to this realization, they are out of treatment time---usually 28 to 30 days. When insurance runs out, addicts are suddenly "cured." Nothing could be farther from the truth.</p><p>I think the drug rehab experience brought me to the point of accepting what had happened to Chris. That I was powerless to change the events of what happened. That it is not possible to control the actions of an adult child. That a parent could intervene, but control and decisions are up to our adult children. I came to a point of acceptance. This may seem impossible to many of you at this time. But we have to come to terms with what has happened. We have to work through the the guilt and anger to come to acceptance.</p><p> Acceptance is the key to moving forward on the very challenging grief journey. No amount of guilt and anger will bring our children back. What guilt and anger does is destroy us as parents, as a person, as a spouse, as a parent to our living children and all the others living around us. We have to take a look and see who and what we have left in our lives. This does not negate the absence of our deceased children, but it allows us to keep living. This is a conscious choice and decision all of us must make: destruction or a life. It is not an easy decision. It is not an easy path back to a life. We must weigh our alternatives.</p><p>Acceptance helped my guilt and anger. But I still wonder what I might have done differently. But the difference is now I can live with these questions without overwhelming, even destructive, feelings of guilt and anger. I have prayed to Chris to forgive my shortcomings as a parent. I know he has. Chris knows above all things, he was always loved and we were there for him as parents. That is all we can possibly do in our human existence.</p><p>I see this young woman's picture on facebook. She has not aged well. She looks like she is abusing alcohol. That would not surprise me. God forgive me, I take a perverse pleasure in seeing how she went from a very pretty young woman to a puffy faced, overweight, middle-aged woman. She is unrecognizable from who she once was. I suppose secrets, evil and lies can do that to a person. I messaged her on facebook and advised her she needed to get her life right with God. Frankly, I believe she has suffered because she knows what she did resulted in Chris' death. IMO, she deserves to suffer for her lack of remorse. </p><p>I don't know if I have forgiven her, but I am not the one who needs to forgive her. God does. Which is what I told her. She has escaped earthly justice. No one escapes divine justice. She should bear the guilt, not me.</p><p> Serenity Prayer: God give me the courage to change the things I can. To accept the things I cannot change. And the wisdom to know the difference.</p><p><br /></p><p>Please feel free to share your comments with me. And to follow or subscribe to this blog. Thank you!</p><p><br /></p>MAY YOUR LAUGHTER LIVE/ Rosemariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04986992111457567849noreply@blogger.com0