Monday, September 23, 2013

Anniversary Day..

     Tomorrow is the anniversary of Chris' death.  It does not seem possible that he has been gone fourteen years.  It seems it was only a short time ago.m
     I am doing okay.  I am away in the Balearic Islands in Spain.  On Tuesday, I plan to go to church to mass and to light a candle for Chris and one for all of you and another for your children.  Then I will do a little shopping and go on a short boat cruise to swim and picnic.
     I don't think Chris wants me to spend the day morning as I am tempted to do.  I will tuck my grief safely within me and go on with life. Life is full of very difficult choices.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Honoring Chris

     Thursday, September 19 is my son Chris'  birthday.  He would have been 37 years old had he not been killed.  I don't want to focus on his death, but rather on his life.  From the start he was a very sweet and happy baby and very bright.  He always asked a lot of questions.  I have very happy memories of reading to him as a child.  These memories helped inspire me to write my books.  As I write, I often think Chris would like this or Chris would think this is funny.
     Chris' paternal grandfather was a professional soccer player.  From the age of two years, Chris showed signs of being a very good runner.  At the age of nine he joined an Olympic caliber track club where he did very well in long distances and cross country.  He won many ribbons and team trophies.  He even went to National Junior Olympics three times for cross-country.  His father and I were very proud of his accomplishments.  After middle school years, he played soccer and basketball for the small private school he attended as he wanted to learn more about these sports.
     In high school he also took up the guitar for his own pleasure.  Although he took lessons, he was primarily self taught.  He would spend hours composing one lyrical ballad after the other.
     Chris had some very good friends.  They liked his humor, loyalty and encyclopedic knowledge which  he got from his father as well as his ability to reason with them and act as a peacemaker.  He was an excellent driver and his friends always counted on him as the designated driver as he did not drink because of taking medication for  attention deficit disorder.  He was excellent in math, but because of his ADD had a hard time with the other subjects except history as he had learned so much from his father.
     He was a very big help to me in caring for his father during his illness.  Then he was very good to me when I went through cancer surgery and chemo.  I miss his love, his humor and his companionship.  His father and I loved him very much as did many people who still miss him.
     Rest in peace, dear son.  I know you are with Dad, little Amber and your grandparents.  I hope you have found a guitar, a baseball card collection and some running shoes.  I love you and miss you everyday.
                May God hold you in the palm of  His hand until we meet again.  ----  Irish Blessing

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Finding Peace Within

     You hold within your heart all that pains and torments you.  You try to go on with life because you cannot rationalize these pains away.  That is why it is so difficult not to become bitter, angry and hopeless.
     So I am repeating the concept of creating a little room within yourself for this grief and torment.  Write down all your heartaches and visualize moving these ideas or words into your little room with in your conscious mind.  These torments are hard to keep from permeating your entire life.  That is why it is good to pack them all up in one place within you.  If you are having  negative thoughts or a bad day, you can place all these in your interior room with God or your higher power.
     I experimented with making my room comfortable and attractively decorated.  I also put in Chris' guitars, CD collection and running shoes.  Along with the comfortable furniture, I hung paintings done by husband on the walls.
     When I feel like it, I meditate on this room and ask God's help to strengthen me to go on and to find truth and justice for Chris.  I can leave all this in my room and then go on with living.
     I know this may seem strange, but please try it.  You may be surprised how much peace and courage this little room may bring you.  Again, please experiment with this and let me know how it goes.