HOMICIDE: ROLLING BACK THE STONES OF ANGER, PAIN, DESPAIR, GUILT

 Losing a child by homicide is a cataclysmic event. Our worlds stop with disbelief, confusion, horror and denial. Then comes the anger, despair and guilt. Why wasn't I there to protect my child? How could this happen to us? This happens to other people on the news. My son or daughter was so good.

There are few if any answers which gives rise to more frustration. Add the realization that dealing with the criminal justice system is very confusing and very slow.  Years can go by with no arrest and no trial. Then you learn of all the rights and defense a possible murderer has. You wonder where are the rights of my murdered child? Finally facing the "alleged" criminal in a courtroom seems terrifying. Missing your child, anger, despair, guilt are the holes lying in your heart like stones.

We recently celebrated the Easter holiday where Christians celebrate the Resurrection of Christ. The huge, round finely ground stone was rolled back from His tomb. Christ emerged in a powerful light to complete His redemption of mankind.

I was inspired to write this blog from the words Pope Francis said in his homily at the Easter vigil mass. He encouraged the faithful, like Christ, to roll back their own stones of anger, hatred, despair, guilt, revenge that lie deep in our hearts. That struck a cord with me.

I could see in my mind the rolled back stone and Christ, bathed in Light, emerging from the tomb. I took comfort in that. I challenged myself to examine my own heart and see what stones were weighing me down when it came to the death of my son. Perhaps you can visualize this for yourselves. Look deep into your heart and see the stones that remain. Heavy burdens for you to carry.

Perhaps you can relate. I have anger that my son, Chris, never received any justice. Anger that he did not listen to me when I told him not to go see this girl because, intuitively, I felt his life was in danger. He did not listen and was killed. I have guilt that I was not there to prevent this outcome. I have shame that I wasn't a good enough, an attentive enough mother. I feel shame that I neglected to raise him with the same strong faith I have. Now is the time for you and me, with Jesus' help or your Higher Power, to roll all our stones back.

Picture pushing your stones out of your heart and letting them roll down a hill. Then look up. Picture the Light of Christ or you Higher Power receiving your child protectively for eternal life. Our children are bathed in the Light of salvation, forgiveness, and love.

They are safe now in the care of the angels. No more pain, no more illness, no more drugs or alcohol, no more bullying, no more depression, no more self harm, no more anorexia, no more accidents, no more gambling, no more brutality, no more betrayals. That is all gone. Our children are with family who have gone before us and maybe even a beloved pet who left this earth.  Your stones can safely roll away into another dimension. They will always be there. But further away. Further from causing us pain. Held down at the bottom of a hill. We can come into our own Light of love, peace, strength. Picture yourself in your own Light.

When God determines that out time on earth is at an end, we will see our children again. We will all be comforted together in the Light. The Light of Redemption and eternal life are the messages of Easter. Practice letting your stones roll away with some deep breaths and gentle stretching if you are able.

Bathe yourself in the Light. And pray: "May God hold you in His Hands until we meet again."

All the blessings that our various religious holidays bring. Love, Rosemarie

SUICIDE SORROWS ARE EPIDEMIC

A veil of sadness, loss of purpose and loss of self-worth have descended upon the world. This is causing a rise in severe depression resulting in suicide especially in young people. In the United States the chief cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds is suicide. This is shocking and alarming. Kids whose lives have barely started, are giving up on life.

I noticed I had numerous readers from Singapore. I do not know any readers identity, but this program allows me to see the number of readers from different countries around the world. I was curious to learn why my blog would have so much appeal in Singapore. I learned that suicide is also very prevalent in Singapore, particularly in ages 15 to 39.  Astounding, as well, that persons about to embark on life or in the prime of life are killing themselves. The rate of suicide is up 24% since WWII according to author and Pastor Max Lucado in a recent podcast interview.

I believe these deaths bring unique and added sorrows for the parents in any culture who lose a child through suicide. First of all, why, why, why did this happen? I partly understand the disbelief and confusion that surrounds the parents of children who commit suicide. My son made three suicide attempts with his prescription medications for attention deficit disorder and depression.

We blame ourselves. How Did this happen? How could I not see it? I should have known. What did I do wrong? Why didn't he/she come to me for help? Did anybody know? Are they sure it was suicide? These questions race around parents' heads endlessly. They beg for answers.

If that isn't bad enough, people, even family members, tend not to be as empathetic toward child suicides as for kids dying from accidents, foul play or disease. Almost like they are thinking, "Well, the kid had problems. This is no surprise." It's called disenfranchised grief. So feeling this is not in any parents' imaginations.

Where to start? What to do? Who can help me? I know I need help, but where should I go? The best thing to do is find a grief therapist. One who has experience with suicide deaths. Ask your personal physician for a reference. Call the social work department of your nearest large hospital. Go online. So much medical care today is virtual. Also, if you have other children, they should be in therapy. They may act as if they are all right, but believe me, they are not. 

Then look for a parents' bereavement support group for parents who have lost a child to suicide. Go online to find a group nearest to you. It may mean you will have to try more than one group until one "fits" If lacking the stamina, mental clarity or ability to search out any of the above, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you. Even take you or accompany you if you are a single parent.

Strange as this may sound, medical examiners' offices often have support groups and lists of accredited  therapists. Just call and ask if they can help or know someone or a group that can help. Please do these two things--therapy and support. Sitting alone at home is not going to get you  through this. The grief journey, difficult as it is, is a pro-active process. 

Lack of energy, fatigue and forgetfulness are all a part of grief. Don't be hard on yourself, if these symptoms are problematic. Whether you choose to take medications for anxiety, depression or sleep is a conversation you need to have with your physician and therapist.

Your child's suicide was symptomatic of the fractured world we live in. School bullying, fears of being shot in school, harmful types of social media, gender confusion, violent lyrics of some musical entertainment, violent video games and over-sexualized TV and streaming. All these portray a harmful and confusing world that is unachievable. Fiction is presented as reality.  

Kids today live much of their lives online. It seems to make them ill equipped to want to talk to each other. Know how to relate to each other and to you face to face. The real world is colliding with the online world with very bad results, especially depression and alienation from home and family. There are dark forces online luring kids into a dangerous and disenfranchising cult like worlds. Some groups try to take the place of family. They, promote running away and leaving school for a life of drugs and crime. There are all kinds of predators misrepresenting themselves online.

Unfortunately, few grounding foundations remain for kids to rely on, or feel self esteem, or see a possible role in the world for themselves. And finally, to avoid danger and indoctrination. There seems to be no good or evil. anymore. No right or wrong in this world of relativism. Religious studies and church attendance have plummeted. The Ten Commandments are scorned along with the "golden rule"and the patriotism. Kids can have so many activities, there is never time for family dinners. Love of family, the Pledge of Allegiance, the National anthem, pride in school achievement, love of family values, love of country and love of God or a Higher Power are scoffed at and derided in this "modern" age. There are dangerous indoctrinations taking place at all levels of education. Anxiety lurks with news of wars and terrorism. Children hear much more hatred and fear than kindness and hope through harmful ideologies.

Adult children can have addictions, debt, marriage and relationship troubles and employment difficulties.  Because they are adults, it is difficult for parents to intervene, to get information, to give advice or insist on any relevant treatment. Parents cannot control the actions of an adult child.

I say all this because many parents are blaming themselves for their children's suicides, when they were not to blame at all.You and your child have been facing insurmountable goals in an increasingly hostile world. Any child can fall prey to negative forces. Raising kids during this period in history has become a Herculean task. Trying to guide an adult child can be just as challenging.

Parents, be good to yourselves. Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally. Though this may seem like a great effort, it is a place to start. You will hear words such as closure, moving on and getting over it. These are not applicable to losing a child which is like a book with unfinished chapters and unanswered questions. 

Couples be kind to each other. Women and men grieve differently. Women grieve more outwardly. While men seem to hold things in. Men think they must support their wives or female partners. Women think their male partners are not grieving. While men may feel their wives or partners are overly emotional. This places a great stress on a relationship and is a good reason to be in therapy. The rate of divorce and separation after the death of a child is high. Don't let this happen to you. You need each other now more than ever

Make sure your other children are in positive environments that align with your values. Limit their screen time on all devices. Use as many parental controls as are available. Get involved in suicide prevention efforts. Helping others will help you.

You cannot change what has happened. You must eventually accept you have been dealt a very heavy blow hard to  get out from under. A hole will always remain in your heart. Questions in your mind. Helping other parents to not experience what you have, will help you move forward. Forward to pray, to hope, to ask your child to help you and to watch over you.  To memorialize your child's life in a manner of your choosing. 

There is a choice when your child dies. To let it destroy you or to go on for yourself and for who and what remain in your life. You can still have a productive life. Not the same life, but a life where you can extend a hand to others and find unexpected strength.

To quote Max Lucado, "Rather than despair, do the next decent thing." And, "God never gives up on you."

"But I am in pain and despair. Lift me up, O God, and save me!   Psalm 69 :29

If you or someone you know has thoughts of harming or killing themselves call 988 or 911 immediately in the United States.

In Singapore, call 24/7 Hotline at 1767 or 955 for someone in immediate danger.

I apologize to my faithful readers for not being there for you for an extended period of time. I have been in much physical pain from medical complications following my back surgery. You are always on my mind and with me. Please pray for me that my pain will be relieved and I will pray for you as always.

Love, Rosemarie