When my son Chris died, I felt I had truly failed as a mother. I had committed the greatest offense possible. I had failed to take care of and protect this child, this gift from God. I thought I should be wearing a "scarlet letter" on my back, so great was my guilt.
I know I made mistakes with the criminal justice system immediately following his death. If I hadn't, would this have made a difference in finding justice for him? I may never know.
So, I feel I have this shadow following me in addition to Chris' shadow. But how long is long enough to feel doubt and guilt and to beat yourself up. In trying to find this answer, someone asked me, "Is this what your son would want?"
I could debate my errors like a circle going round and round in my head. However, I don't think Chris blames me in any way. I know he would want me to have peace of mind. I have to conclude for now that justice for Chris will have to be left to God to deal with. My new prayers will be to let go, to accept God's justice and to ask Chris for forgiveness.
I look forward to there being one less shadow. Peace. God bless.
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