Losing a child by homicide is a cataclysmic event. Our worlds stop with disbelief, confusion, horror and denial. Then comes the anger, despair and guilt. Why wasn't I there to protect my child? How could this happen to us? This happens to other people on the news. My son or daughter was so good.
There are few if any answers which gives rise to more frustration. Add the realization that dealing with the criminal justice system is very confusing and very slow. Years can go by with no arrest and no trial. Then you learn of all the rights and defense a possible murderer has. You wonder where are the rights of my murdered child? Finally facing the "alleged" criminal in a courtroom seems terrifying. Missing your child, anger, despair, guilt are the holes lying in your heart like stones.
We recently celebrated the Easter holiday where Christians celebrate the Resurrection of Christ. The huge, round finely ground stone was rolled back from His tomb. Christ emerged in a powerful light to complete His redemption of mankind.
I was inspired to write this blog from the words Pope Francis said in his homily at the Easter vigil mass. He encouraged the faithful, like Christ, to roll back their own stones of anger, hatred, despair, guilt, revenge that lie deep in our hearts. That struck a cord with me.
I could see in my mind the rolled back stone and Christ, bathed in Light, emerging from the tomb. I took comfort in that. I challenged myself to examine my own heart and see what stones were weighing me down when it came to the death of my son. Perhaps you can visualize this for yourselves. Look deep into your heart and see the stones that remain. Heavy burdens for you to carry.
Perhaps you can relate. I have anger that my son, Chris, never received any justice. Anger that he did not listen to me when I told him not to go see this girl because, intuitively, I felt his life was in danger. He did not listen and was killed. I have guilt that I was not there to prevent this outcome. I have shame that I wasn't a good enough, an attentive enough mother. I feel shame that I neglected to raise him with the same strong faith I have. Now is the time for you and me, with Jesus' help or your Higher Power, to roll all our stones back.
Picture pushing your stones out of your heart and letting them roll down a hill. Then look up. Picture the Light of Christ or you Higher Power receiving your child protectively for eternal life. Our children are bathed in the Light of salvation, forgiveness, and love.
They are safe now in the care of the angels. No more pain, no more illness, no more drugs or alcohol, no more bullying, no more depression, no more self harm, no more anorexia, no more accidents, no more gambling, no more brutality, no more betrayals. That is all gone. Our children are with family who have gone before us and maybe even a beloved pet who left this earth. Your stones can safely roll away into another dimension. They will always be there. But further away. Further from causing us pain. Held down at the bottom of a hill. We can come into our own Light of love, peace, strength. Picture yourself in your own Light.
When God determines that out time on earth is at an end, we will see our children again. We will all be comforted together in the Light. The Light of Redemption and eternal life are the messages of Easter. Practice letting your stones roll away with some deep breaths and gentle stretching if you are able.
Bathe yourself in the Light. And pray: "May God hold you in His Hands until we meet again."
All the blessings that our various religious holidays bring. Love, Rosemarie
