I look forward to Autumn every year as a break from what seems, by the end of August, endless heat. Despite this and the other glories of nature Fall presents, it marks a season of sadness for me as well. I feel a sense of dread from the painful memories pulling at me.
September 19th is my son, Chris,' birthday. September 24th is the date of his death. November 2nd is the date of my husband, Fred's, death. Not exactly a season of rejoicing. Many years have passed since, but still, pain has a way of tempering the many beauties of Autumn. I am sure we all have similar seasons.
It has been a tough journey. I know it is for any parent who has lost a child. Many parents reading my words still experience intense, acute grief. We have all traveled or are still traveling a slippery slope of descending darkness and despair. With no visible or palpable relief. With many doubts as to how, or even if, we can go on. Like wading through deep and troubled waters.
Yet, here we are. I am writing this. You are reading it. We have survived. That is the first step for us. Followed by many other steps, painful and slow as they may be. We have emerged from those dark waters to realize sadly, what has happened cannot be changed. No matter how many tears are shed or how much anguish is felt, we cannot bring our children back to us.
While time may have frozen for us, the world goes on. We wonder how can this be? Don't these people know my kid is dead? Why am I still here? What's the point? What's left for me in this life? I have learned our lives still have value and much meaning. We have to find the answers for ourselves and be willing to get help when needed.
When we hang in there, painful though it may be, we come to realize we need to re-join life. We all have relationships--a spouse or significant other, living children, supportive friends, older parents, jobs and financial responsibilities. We know there is not the option to collapse and hibernate from society for the rest of our lives.
I won't lie. This moving ahead takes digging down deep inside ourselves for every ounce of courage and resolve we possess. We all need to make the difficult choice to go on. This will be the biggest challenge we will ever have to face in our lives.
We will always carry the pain of our child's loss within our hearts. But beside that pain in our hearts, we can carry the many good memories and joys of having this dear child. No one can take these away from us even on our darkest days. We can still remember our children's smiles, laughter, voices, touch and smell. Hold onto these.
Foreign as this may seem at the moment, we should not discount the possibility of new experiences, blessings and love. It is never a forgone conclusion that our lives are over once we lose a child. I know it feels that way, but it will not be permanent even when we have dark days. Go with the flow of darkness, but know tomorrow will be better.
I carried on with faith in God, devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary, extended family, a few close friends and small social outings. One of the things that is not helpful in moving ahead is isolation. Being bitter, angry and solitary for an extended period of time will not bring a child back. But it can bring us, as parents, to helplessness, hopelessness and despair. Don't go down that fork in the road.
I believe there is no way to get through profound loss without focusing on who else and what else remains in our lives. That is another part of the choice we need to make. Be pro-active with prayers for courage, strength and for some measure of peace once again.
"The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters." Psalm18: 16
I appreciate any comments or anyone who would like to follow my blog. Thanks! Be assured of my love, thoughts & prayers for you. Rosemarie
