What do I say? What do I do? Nothing can prepare you for the unimaginable death of your child. You are completely overwhelmed because your son or daughter has just died. When it comes to informing family, friends and schools of your child's death, these are a questions most readers here have all grappled with or are presently trying to figure out. We dread making some calls because we know the effect this terrible news will have on certain individuals. Whether your child has died after a long fight with a terminal illness or died quite suddenly, these phone calls are very difficult.
If you know your child's death will be certain, you can make a list of names and numbers of persons to be called starting with the most important. There is nothing that says you, as the parent, must make these calls. It may be helpful to list the aid of other family, close friends and church members.
When your child dies quite suddenly, notifications may seem impossible. Give yourself a little time, then call closest relatives and friends. Someone can do this for you with the aid of your computer list, phone contacts or address book.
What to say? Say as little or as much as you want. His/her suffering is over and he/she died. Give a time and place if you want. Say it was peaceful. I was there with so and so. Do not feel compelled to go into details. Excuse yourself by saying you have many calls. If funeral arrangements have been made, say where information can be obtained.
In the case of sudden deaths, if you would rather not say the cause, just say I am not sure what happened. The determination or investigation is ongoing. I just wanted you to know. This is where funeral information can be found. Or we don't know yet and someone will get back to you. Again, do not feel compelled to go into details. Excuse yourself quickly to "make other calls."
I know you will be in shock even if you expected your child to die. Try not to be alone. Let people help you. Fix you something to eat. Rest even if you cannot sleep. You will feel very tired and have difficulty remembering things. This is part of grief. If you cannot sleep at all, then contact your doctor to see what he/she recommends or may prescribe. Let someone get it for you. Do not drive while you are so distracted.
It will be hard to tend to personal hygiene and grooming at this time. A warm shower or bath may ease some of your distress. Just dress comfortably. Let someone help you with your other children, pets, laundry, meal preparation, food shopping.
Talk to your kids in an age appropriate fashion. If you are not sure what to say, maybe you could talk to the school guidance counselor or a school grief counselor who may be providing services at your child's school. Or call your pediatrician. Explanations may have to be different if you have kids of different ages by several years. Reassure them that they are loved and safe. That you will be with them. That you will get through this together. If they are old enough, see if they are interested in participating in funeral services. Or very young, see if they want to go to the funeral. If not, don't push it. See if you can find out why.
It is important that parents/spouses/significant others, exes, are on the same page going forward with notifications, the other kids and funeral services. Try to stay calm. Hear each other out as to any specific requests or suggestions. If relatives, etc. are coming from out of town, have the names and locations of several places where they can stay. You are in NO condition to entertain or board anyone. No exceptions.
Remember women and men grieve differently. Women are more outward in expressing their grief. Men tend to keep things inside. If men cry, and they will, they prefer to do it privately. Support each other, but give each other space. Ask, "Do you want me to be with you right now?" And nothing wrong with just sitting quietly and holding hands.
People will want to visit you to express their condolences. If you have had enough company for the day and want to rest, hang a polite note on the door: "Thank you for coming. I/we are resting. Please do not ring the bell." Put phones on "Do Not Disturb." Then get to voicemails as you can. Have some family time or individual time to rest or do as you please.
Maybe the kids need something to wear for the funeral. I would say let an aunt or cousin take them. You may not feel up to an excursion and getting pizza or ice cream which the kids will want. After about two weeks, look into grief support groups for kids. Local hospitals have them. You can call the social work department. Or some individual therapists have children's grief groups. Your child may feel more comfortable, at first, sharing sadness or other concerns with someone not a parent. Then eventually open up to you. They may fear expressing their difficulties will be too hard on you.
If you need something to wear, have someone who knows your taste, get it for you or go with you in case you need support. As far as the funeral services, as a parent you have to reach inside and summon all the courage and resolve you can. I told myself, this is the last thing I will ever do for Chris, so I have to get through it with dignity. Maybe that will help you.
Meeting with the funeral director will be hard, but it has to be done. An experienced funeral director will be able to get you through this painful experience. Planning the religious services can be confusing. Let someone you trust help you. I planned a program for Chris' funeral. A friend put it in the computer for me and had them printed out. A friend of Chris' acted as courier. Those attending were very pleased to have them.
I was on my own because my husband was very ill and in a nursing home. I did keep him informed of everything. I gave specific instructions to the nursing home to dress him in the clothes I brought. A very good friend of his picked him up. Brought him to the viewing and service at the Church. Then to the cemetery, the luncheon and back to the nursing home. This was such a help to me.
I sat at the luncheon with my husband, his sister and my niece. My husband's cousins planned the luncheon with the owner of the restaurant as they were friends. It turned out very nicely. I still remember sitting by my husband. Little did I know our time together was also coming to a close. He died six weeks later.
I hope what I have said can be a guide for you for what will, perhaps, be the worst days of your lives. Days I have not forgotten. I am glad Chris was put to rest among family and many friends in a beautiful service. Life is hard. Very hard. My faith, my pastor and several family and good friends saw me through. Pray. Ask for help when you need it. Keep a journal. Write a last letter to your son or daughter and bury it with them at the cemetery. Find a way to honor his or her life. May God grant you strength, courage and peace.
"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God and save me! Psalm 69: 29
