COURAGE

It takes courage for us as parents to go on with our lives after losing our children. What is courage?Courage is strength and fortitude. It takes faith and trust in God or your Higher Power to find courage during the most terrible times in our lives. 

It takes courage and faith to realize that whatever trials or tragedies that brought about our children's deaths are now over. It takes prayer and faith to accept that our children are at peace. They are no longer suffering. They are safe. It takes courage to accept this. Of course, we would much rather have our children physically with us. But that was not meant to be for reasons we do not understand. We must seek faith, strength and understanding to get from feelings of desperation to an acceptance of this terrible loss which has happened.

Acceptance and courage do not happen overnight. It takes time and going through a gradual process. Even if your mind is so scattered and distracted, say to yourself each day, "I will find the strength and fortitude to go on. I will find the courage I need. My child is safe and at peace." Gradually we find that our lives improves somewhat. And keeps improving bit by bit.

In the beginning we find ourselves thinking, "My life is over." It is not. The death of our children is an event we never "get over." There will always be a hole in our hearts for our missing children. But, our hearts will also always be filled with love for our missing children. Gradually the hole becomes a bearable ache. Like the lessening of physical pain.

What may seem impossible today, may seem possible tomorrow or many days from now. Strength and fortitude will come. We can find the courage to go on after this terrible blow. We must set our minds to this. We must ask God or our Higher Power for the courage we will need. It will come. We can come out of the imprisonment of our desperate shell to new lives. Not one we planned, but one that has learned to survive and move forward from a terrible blow.

                                    "....The human heart and mind are a mystery."  Psalm: 64: 6

With encouragement, prayer and love to you,

Rosemarie

website: www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

         If you have thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

STRUGGLING ON MOTHER'S DAY

On top of Mother's Day looming, lately, I have been having a hard time. Tomorrow will be three months since my back surgery. It seems I have been dealing with some serious kind of pain or another for the last three months. Mental and physical exhaustion and grief are not a good combination. A vicious circle most of us have experienced.

Again I asked God, "Have I not suffered enough? "I keep picturing the images of Christ in the light and our meditation circle holding each other up. But, I still don't like this nagging feeling of wanting to give up. Not wanting to get out of bed or wanting to hide in the closet. And Sunday is Mother's Day. I think I will read some healing prayers and Psalms. Maybe listen to some guitar music. Look at photos.

Never an easy day for those who have lost our children. Not sure if I want to go to the cemetery. For those mother's who have living children,  you don't want to spoil the day for your other kids with gloom for the one who is missing. You are pulled in two directions. I suggest a smaller, quieter, shorter event. Going to religious services. A nice walk where there is water or gardens. A toast to your missing son or daughter at dinner. Whatever your choice, please do not choose being alone. If you have no immediate family, make plans with a friend or another relative.

I am fortunate that two of my stepchildren and one step-grandchild have taken to me as "Mom" and "Grandma." It has truly touched my heart. I have to repeat my own advice to myself, "Remember who and what we have left in our lives." Yet, sitting here, I am overwhelmed by all the mothers and fathers who have lost children recently to violence and drugs. I remember the words of my aunt, "Why does life have to be so hard?"

I know there is no such thing as an easy life, but more and more I am asking God if He could just ease off a little bit? I lost a child and even a husband. I paid my dues. Maybe You have me confused with someone else. Check your Big Book, God. Might be someone with the same name. Not that I am wishing ill on anyone else. I just want a break from pain rotating from one spot to another and the grace to get through Mother's Day. Feel free to borrow my informal prayer.

Having my new husband has kept me going. I do not want him to be alone. Before my surgery, I even asked my daughter-in-law (his daughter) to promise me if anything happened, she and her one brother would take care of "Pop." I added I never wanted him to be alone. He means so much to me. I suppose with my blessings, I have to accept my struggles. 

And so it is. Take an inventory of your blessings this Mother's Day. A spouse, significant other, living children and grandchildren, reasonably good health, friends, food, an affectionate pet, a garden, a talent, a home, a livelihood, a business, a car or freedom from financial worries. There are millions of people around the world who have none of this. 

Neither our blessings or their troubles can bring back our deceased children. But we must go with what we've got. It's called "acceptance." Hard as it may be to achieve inch by inch. The one thing we can never do, is go back. So we must push, and I mean push, forward.

May we all receive the support and graces we need on this Mother's Day.

                     "But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, O God, and save me!"  Psalm 69: 29

With love, deep thoughts and prayer,

Rosemarie

           If you have any thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately.

LONELINESS AFTER LOSING A CHILD

Loneliness is defined as feeling alone, miserable or isolated. These feelings take on a new dimension after losing a child. First, there is the permanence of losing our children. We know they are not coming back. Then all sorts of "never agains" can come flooding into our minds.

One of my firsts was knowing I would never hear my son, Chris, play the guitar again. When he was home, he was always strumming on his guitar. Playing this or that. Asking me which chords sounded better. When he died, I could not listen to any music in the house for over a year.

So many other familiar things were gone as well. His greetings: "Hi, Mom." His calling on the phone and saying, "Hi Mom, this is Chris." It always amused me because he was my only child so if he said, "Hi, Mom," who else would it be?

The familiar footsteps coming up the stairs if he was late coming home. My dog Amber and I always took that for granted. But after a friend of Chris' visited, Amber switched to the corner of the bed where she could watch the stairs. She remained on that corner every night until the day she died seven years later. I supposed she missed him saying,"Amber, you are the little sister I never had."

If I was laying down in the afternoon, Amber was on the bed with me. If Chris would come home, he would sit on the bed and pet her and talk to her. Sitting between us, Amber always gave this huge happy sounding yawn. That stopped after Chris was gone. She never did it again.

I miss the constant interruptions of his asking me how to set the washer to launder this or that particular item of clothing. I miss going to the diner with him for breakfast or lunch. Meals out became solo. I miss his wonderful sense of humor. His great laugh. His sensitivity. His keen perception. I miss his funny stories. I miss his hilarious imitations of different people. I miss having his friends around. I miss our closeness. I miss our heart to heart talks. I miss his love and affection. I miss him helping me.

I miss who he would have become. He had just finished a trade course and training in printing. Would he have continued to pursue this? Would he have married? Had kids? Started his own business? With his life cut short, I will never know. Yes, the terrible, surprising and unexpected are what happen when we are hoping for other plans. 

The everyday losses and the possible future losses bring a permanent kind of loneliness. Yes, a loneliness that can isolate us in our thoughts, regrets and what if's. Right onto the path of misery. Can we turn this picture over to memories and happy moments instead of the permanence of loss? Yes, it's a heavy lift. But let's imagine we are all doing this together with our fondest memories. And our faith in being reunited with our children in God's good time.

Seek help. Get help. Give help. Despite our loneliness, we are not alone. There are far too many bereaved parents like us. We must sit quietly and tap into each other's pain, strength and determination to move forward bit by bit. Picture a large circle of parents of all ages. We are holding hands and looking skyward on a warm, sunny day. Hoping to move along on this slow journey. But, move along we can.

We will remember the good we had and who and what remain in our lives and our angel children.

    "Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge."  Psalm 62: 8

My love, thoughts and prayers for you all,

Rosemarie

      If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 immediately for help.