December is upon us. You and I are having to deal with missing our children terribly during the Christmas holiday season. This is in addition to normal the stress to get things done. First, depending upon where you are in this grieving process, do not engage in any social activities you do not feel up to. A simple statement that you are celebrating quietly or privately this year is sufficient. Be gracious, but firm. Do not engage in a discussion or explanation. Excuse yourself from the conversation if you have to.
If you have other children, of course you have to make a holiday for them as much as your heart may not be in it. Please enlist the help of family and friends for decorating, shopping, gift wrapping and meal preparation. People say they want to help. Now is the chance to take them up on it. Grief is a journey you cannot make alone. You have to ask for help no matter how independent and together you have been in the past.
I know at times, you may feel like screaming at all the merriment and activity around you, "Stop! What are you doing? Don't you know I lost a child." Sometimes or maybe all the time, you and I feel we are no longer part of the real world where other people have not lost children. It is as if you and I reside in a twilight zone and wait for things to get better. You and I are aware we have been cruelly robbed of part of our beings and futures while the rest of the world celebrates as if nothing is wrong.
This detachment was brought home to me when a family member recently described her being in the hospital as "hell." I wanted to shake her and say, "It is the holidays and I buried a child. That is hell." Deep breath. Would that do any good for her or me? Probably not.
What I did do was go for a walk and a coffee and and to do a couple of simple errands to clear my head. I was able to conclude: You cannot make someone who does not understand your situation, acknowledge and understand it. Second pointer is you either have to avoid certain people or take them in limited doses with other people as buffers. Again, you may have to take someone close to you aside and ask for help in dealing with certain individuals.
Focus on arranging some quiet periods for yourself or for you and your spouse or significant other. Try to think of your child being alive in eternity. Recall good memories and talk to your child. If your partner does not want to do this, do not force the issue or argue. Ask for some quiet time to pursue this yourself. There is physical death and lack of an earthly presence, but I believe there is eternal life where our children are well, happy, safe and at peace from the stresses of the natural world.
One day I will be re-united with my child and I believe so will you with your child. It is just not time yet. You have a longer journey here on earth. Hold on with faith, hope and courage. Deep breathe, meditate, walk, exercise, write, draw, paint, listen to music. Buy your child a special present--- a little something for his or her room to mark the holiday and include your child. Have a toast to his or her memory.
Yes, this time of year can make day to day living very difficult especially if you are still struggling to find your footing. Don't neglect your physical, emotional and spiritual needs. By all means seek help and support. Set limits for yourself and boundaries for others. When faced with some hard task, I repeat over and over to myself, "I can do this." And I rely on prayer. Try to attend religious services. If you cannot, then watch some on television. Try to remember the reason for the season. The Christ child was born to bring hope, re-generation and spiritual growth to the world.
I wish you peace and the best Christmas possible and good things and hope in the New Year. God is holding your child in His hands until you meet again.
Love to you and your families,
Rosemarie
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Choose Your Battles Well.
A saying on Facebook brought to mind some factors that can interfere with Taking Back Your Power and Choosing to Live Again. It said: "Be selective in your battles. Sometimes peace is better than being right." FamilyShare.com
Feeling that you did not achieve the desired outcome for a medical or surgical procedure for your child or that you did not receive justice from the legal system can cause you as a parent heart wrenching emotions. As a parent whose child has died you are prepared to go to the mat to fight for what you perceive your child deserves. In doing do you may be bitterly disappointed in finding you do not have a legal proceeding or will get no more from the medical or legal systems.
What then? Do you go on fighting? Do you seek additional opinions? Do you do endless research? How long do you go on fighting? You may answer as long as it takes to achieve your desired outcome.
Unfortunately, no opinion, no apology, no financial award and no criminal conviction can bring your child back. Parents who have had success with the medical and /or legal system can attest it is a hollow victory. You may very well be right that the medical or legal system did not do right by your child. But again I ask, how long so you go on fighting?
Based on my personal experience, my response is you need to stop when the battle is causing your physical, emotional or financial health to suffer or interfering with relationships or your job. It may be time to consider if your continuing to fight is a way of holding onto your child. You and I cannot re-write the story to bring back my child or yours no matter how hard we fight.
If you find yourself enmeshed it what seems to be an endless battle, perhaps it may be time to step back and re-assess what you are doing. Ask yourself what it is costing you in your life. What is your goal? Are you seeking revenge? Does anyone else support you such as your spouse, family member or friend or a grief counselor. If the answer is no, you may want to pause and consider the answers you were given.
It is not my place to tell you, "Yes, drop your battle." I only want to point out a place from which you may find it very difficult to return and serves to complicate your grieving process. I had to come to this awareness about my own son's situation in relation to those involved and the legal system.
Sadly, I had to conclude there was no way I could get him justice on my own. Not that I have given up hope. There is always hope of new information or a a person coming forward with something additional to tell. With the help of a grief counselor, I was able to see it is not within my power to pull all the strings to control the systems or people involved. You may come to the same painful, conclusion.
Please know, this is all right for me and for you to so. My child and your child are at peace. What happens now on earth cannot affect him or her. I will quote from a very wise and dear friend, "God sees everything,"
There is earthly justice and everlasting justice. I do pray for truth and justice for Chris, but I do not pursue it myself. I may never see it in my lifetime. I know if Chris does not get justice on earth, he will get it in eternity. Those responsible for his death will have to face Divine Justice. Realizing and accepting this has helped move me along in my grief. I had to struggle with this for some time as it is a tough concept and harsh reality. I pray you find courage and guidance if you find yourself in the same place.
Feeling that you did not achieve the desired outcome for a medical or surgical procedure for your child or that you did not receive justice from the legal system can cause you as a parent heart wrenching emotions. As a parent whose child has died you are prepared to go to the mat to fight for what you perceive your child deserves. In doing do you may be bitterly disappointed in finding you do not have a legal proceeding or will get no more from the medical or legal systems.
What then? Do you go on fighting? Do you seek additional opinions? Do you do endless research? How long do you go on fighting? You may answer as long as it takes to achieve your desired outcome.
Unfortunately, no opinion, no apology, no financial award and no criminal conviction can bring your child back. Parents who have had success with the medical and /or legal system can attest it is a hollow victory. You may very well be right that the medical or legal system did not do right by your child. But again I ask, how long so you go on fighting?
Based on my personal experience, my response is you need to stop when the battle is causing your physical, emotional or financial health to suffer or interfering with relationships or your job. It may be time to consider if your continuing to fight is a way of holding onto your child. You and I cannot re-write the story to bring back my child or yours no matter how hard we fight.
If you find yourself enmeshed it what seems to be an endless battle, perhaps it may be time to step back and re-assess what you are doing. Ask yourself what it is costing you in your life. What is your goal? Are you seeking revenge? Does anyone else support you such as your spouse, family member or friend or a grief counselor. If the answer is no, you may want to pause and consider the answers you were given.
It is not my place to tell you, "Yes, drop your battle." I only want to point out a place from which you may find it very difficult to return and serves to complicate your grieving process. I had to come to this awareness about my own son's situation in relation to those involved and the legal system.
Sadly, I had to conclude there was no way I could get him justice on my own. Not that I have given up hope. There is always hope of new information or a a person coming forward with something additional to tell. With the help of a grief counselor, I was able to see it is not within my power to pull all the strings to control the systems or people involved. You may come to the same painful, conclusion.
Please know, this is all right for me and for you to so. My child and your child are at peace. What happens now on earth cannot affect him or her. I will quote from a very wise and dear friend, "God sees everything,"
There is earthly justice and everlasting justice. I do pray for truth and justice for Chris, but I do not pursue it myself. I may never see it in my lifetime. I know if Chris does not get justice on earth, he will get it in eternity. Those responsible for his death will have to face Divine Justice. Realizing and accepting this has helped move me along in my grief. I had to struggle with this for some time as it is a tough concept and harsh reality. I pray you find courage and guidance if you find yourself in the same place.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Choosing to Live Again
Knowing how losing a child can put your life on hold for a very long time if not forever, I was struck by a recent TV interview. Syndicated columnist, New York Times best-selling author and physician, Charles Krauthammer, is quadraplegic (paralyzed from the neck down) from a tragic diving accident while in medical school. Questioned about the accident which changed his life, Dr. Krauthammer revealed his personal philosophy on meeting his life adversity.
"You must decide whether you want a good life or a miserable life," Krauthammer advised. He went on to say if you want a good life then you have to take steps to ensure it.
You and I have sustained probably the worst blow one can receive in losing a child. What more could happen? Why did it happen? Why me or you? Unfortunately, there are no good or comforting answers to these questions. I always tell myself bad things happen as part of the human condition on earth. I believe you and I are not guaranteed perfection in this life on earth. Perfection is for everlasting life.
The key seems to be how you and I handle the loss of our children which determines our life track. You and I can become frozen in time with grief and depression, become bitter or angry, become physically ill, or accept the death of our children, our fate.
Dr. Krauthammer explained he knew immediately what had happened. He realized he had severed his spinal cord. Yet, he vowed on his first day in the hospital not to let his circumstance alter the course of his life. One word, acceptance.
I think working through the grief in losing a child, takes a longer time. However at some low point you and I are faced with a decision of where to go in our lives. And realize, to not look at this and not decide is a decision to stay put. The question before you and me always remains. How do I move my life beyond the loss of my child? Only you and I can decide this individually. Possibilities are as a vehicle for self-actualization, a means to help or educate others, or a way to commemorate our children's lives.
The answer will come to you when the time is right--- maybe in the silence of the night, or the dawn of a new day or while meditating. Remain open to the possibility of having a good life again. This will help you in moving on and in accepting your child's death. It will never be the life you had before, but it can be a productive life with many positive elements. There may always be dark days, but they can become far fewer.
"You must decide whether you want a good life or a miserable life," Krauthammer advised. He went on to say if you want a good life then you have to take steps to ensure it.
You and I have sustained probably the worst blow one can receive in losing a child. What more could happen? Why did it happen? Why me or you? Unfortunately, there are no good or comforting answers to these questions. I always tell myself bad things happen as part of the human condition on earth. I believe you and I are not guaranteed perfection in this life on earth. Perfection is for everlasting life.
The key seems to be how you and I handle the loss of our children which determines our life track. You and I can become frozen in time with grief and depression, become bitter or angry, become physically ill, or accept the death of our children, our fate.
Dr. Krauthammer explained he knew immediately what had happened. He realized he had severed his spinal cord. Yet, he vowed on his first day in the hospital not to let his circumstance alter the course of his life. One word, acceptance.
I think working through the grief in losing a child, takes a longer time. However at some low point you and I are faced with a decision of where to go in our lives. And realize, to not look at this and not decide is a decision to stay put. The question before you and me always remains. How do I move my life beyond the loss of my child? Only you and I can decide this individually. Possibilities are as a vehicle for self-actualization, a means to help or educate others, or a way to commemorate our children's lives.
The answer will come to you when the time is right--- maybe in the silence of the night, or the dawn of a new day or while meditating. Remain open to the possibility of having a good life again. This will help you in moving on and in accepting your child's death. It will never be the life you had before, but it can be a productive life with many positive elements. There may always be dark days, but they can become far fewer.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Taking Back Power
Transformation as a bereaved parent can be anxiety provoking. There is a tendency to cling to the familiarity of past or present pain. It is as if moving forward to another level will cause you to lose the memory of your child or worse dishonor his or her memory. Even take away whatever little peace you may have found. It is a conflict. No doubt about it. One I can relate to.
When I returned from the peace of visiting Spain. I started to have doubts about moving forward with my writing. I thought, I'll just write little stories for my own and family and friends' pleasure. I am going to give up this blogging and publication stuff. Too stressful. As you can see, I am back blogging. I am also exploring additional options for my books. I had all kinds of excuses to cocoon myself from fatigue to financial. I started a writing seminar which I was anxious about, but it proved to be the motivation I needed.
Transformation is another giant step and another decision on the journey of the grief process. Questions will arise. Can I really move on with my life? Do I want to move ahead? Is it the right thing to do?
Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Only you can decide your future direction. But I urge you to consider with faith, thought and courage, what your next steps might be. It would be very good to take back your own power from the enormity of the tragedy that has loomed over you. If you and I allow ourselves to become or remain victims of our tragic circumstances, this only compounds our losses.
Even if you don't feel like it today, you have survived. This signals you have the ability to be a vital force for the universal good starting today and for tomorrow. Perhaps your time has come to take back your life.
When I returned from the peace of visiting Spain. I started to have doubts about moving forward with my writing. I thought, I'll just write little stories for my own and family and friends' pleasure. I am going to give up this blogging and publication stuff. Too stressful. As you can see, I am back blogging. I am also exploring additional options for my books. I had all kinds of excuses to cocoon myself from fatigue to financial. I started a writing seminar which I was anxious about, but it proved to be the motivation I needed.
Transformation is another giant step and another decision on the journey of the grief process. Questions will arise. Can I really move on with my life? Do I want to move ahead? Is it the right thing to do?
Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Only you can decide your future direction. But I urge you to consider with faith, thought and courage, what your next steps might be. It would be very good to take back your own power from the enormity of the tragedy that has loomed over you. If you and I allow ourselves to become or remain victims of our tragic circumstances, this only compounds our losses.
Even if you don't feel like it today, you have survived. This signals you have the ability to be a vital force for the universal good starting today and for tomorrow. Perhaps your time has come to take back your life.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Lemonade from the Lemons of Loss
I learned today suffering should be transformative. Suffering has the capacity to make us grow spiritually and cognitively. It has to be. There is no point in going through it if you don't come out the other end a stronger and wiser person.
That leaves the question of what you and I want our lives to be after suffering the loss of our children. I ask myself and you do you want to find some measure of peace, improve your health, tell your story, help others, or find a way to commemorate your child's life?
Do you think you and I can make lemonade from these lemons of loss? This week I challenge myself and you to think about how we can transform our losses to help ourselves or others. My writing has brought me peace as did traveling to Ibiza. I felt better physically in Ibiza and found it easier to control my weight. I would like to plan to return there and write. Whether my writing would be children's books or something else, I have yet to decide.
But my intention is to transform my loss and enable healing. We must all find ways to transform these shadows of grief into strength, wisdom and healing. It's a personal decision. It may seem like trying to step over a mountain, but trying to continue life after the death of a child is hard work.
That leaves the question of what you and I want our lives to be after suffering the loss of our children. I ask myself and you do you want to find some measure of peace, improve your health, tell your story, help others, or find a way to commemorate your child's life?
Do you think you and I can make lemonade from these lemons of loss? This week I challenge myself and you to think about how we can transform our losses to help ourselves or others. My writing has brought me peace as did traveling to Ibiza. I felt better physically in Ibiza and found it easier to control my weight. I would like to plan to return there and write. Whether my writing would be children's books or something else, I have yet to decide.
But my intention is to transform my loss and enable healing. We must all find ways to transform these shadows of grief into strength, wisdom and healing. It's a personal decision. It may seem like trying to step over a mountain, but trying to continue life after the death of a child is hard work.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tears Today
How can the loss of a child not absorb or rule your life even though it is always with you? Feelings of loss can come up in the most unexpected times and places. I will give you an example.
A picture posted on Facebook moved me to tears today. I don't know if I am missing my son Chris, my husband Fred, my dog Amber or Ibiza. Maybe all of the above. Anyway, someone had been away from his or her dog for five months and then skyped with the dog. After the disconnection, the dog fell asleep in front of the computer screen with its head resting on the keypad. How that dog must love that person. And how great the sense of loss to want to hold onto that connection in any way possible.
Perhaps in our circumstances, you and I are much the same in missing our children. Holding on to memories of events, the sound of his or her voice or appearance, not touching anything in your child's room. Looking at pictures or videos over and over. Wishing for just one more day, conversation or encounter. Or always avoiding doing any of these things-- not even being able to go in your child's bedroom because of the pain caused.
You and I will forever have an undercurrent of sadness. I suppose this is what made me cry at this picture of love and loss. It was just so touching. I have it posted on my timeline on my Facebook page, Rosemarie Kaupp or go to www.rosemariekaupp.com/ Perhaps I needed to cry as a catharsis. I feel very mournful, though. I want to hide in the darkness of my closet and do nothing.
Yet, you and I must fight our way back. Fighting tears, numbness, anger and giving up on living. For me it is a repeated decision to choose not to let loss and tragedy destroy me. I have made suggestions in these blogs which I hope you have found helpful. With faith, help, support and therapy it is possible to have a life and go on living. It will never be the same life as before the loss of your child, but it can be a decent and productive life. Please work to fight your way back. It is work and a very tough fight, but together you and I can go on.
A picture posted on Facebook moved me to tears today. I don't know if I am missing my son Chris, my husband Fred, my dog Amber or Ibiza. Maybe all of the above. Anyway, someone had been away from his or her dog for five months and then skyped with the dog. After the disconnection, the dog fell asleep in front of the computer screen with its head resting on the keypad. How that dog must love that person. And how great the sense of loss to want to hold onto that connection in any way possible.
Perhaps in our circumstances, you and I are much the same in missing our children. Holding on to memories of events, the sound of his or her voice or appearance, not touching anything in your child's room. Looking at pictures or videos over and over. Wishing for just one more day, conversation or encounter. Or always avoiding doing any of these things-- not even being able to go in your child's bedroom because of the pain caused.
You and I will forever have an undercurrent of sadness. I suppose this is what made me cry at this picture of love and loss. It was just so touching. I have it posted on my timeline on my Facebook page, Rosemarie Kaupp or go to www.rosemariekaupp.com/ Perhaps I needed to cry as a catharsis. I feel very mournful, though. I want to hide in the darkness of my closet and do nothing.
Yet, you and I must fight our way back. Fighting tears, numbness, anger and giving up on living. For me it is a repeated decision to choose not to let loss and tragedy destroy me. I have made suggestions in these blogs which I hope you have found helpful. With faith, help, support and therapy it is possible to have a life and go on living. It will never be the same life as before the loss of your child, but it can be a decent and productive life. Please work to fight your way back. It is work and a very tough fight, but together you and I can go on.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
A New Season
I am in the airport in Ibiza Island, Spain. I feel very refreshed for having gotten away during this difficult month. I truly enjoyed my time here. I would recommend Ibiza as a vacation for anyone. I experienced great people who are multi-lingual. Wonderful weather, beautiful beaches, great shopping, and fantastic food and drink. I am hoping for a return trip. Very hard to leave Ibiza.
The plane is taking off. One last look at the island. I wish all of you some distraction and refreshment. I know the tendency is to feel guilty about having a good time after the death of a child. It is okay to have a good time again and enjoy yourself when the occasion calls for it.
I have experienced my own guilt and self-recrimination following the death of my son as I am sure you have too. We want to re-write history for a different outcome. That is just not possible.
I believe my child and yours are in the spirit world.. There are no judgements, no recriminations, no grudges and no second guessing. There is only love and forgiveness there. Can you and I not learn from this and find self-forgiveness? With a new season approaching, it is time for a new beginning.
The plane is taking off. One last look at the island. I wish all of you some distraction and refreshment. I know the tendency is to feel guilty about having a good time after the death of a child. It is okay to have a good time again and enjoy yourself when the occasion calls for it.
I have experienced my own guilt and self-recrimination following the death of my son as I am sure you have too. We want to re-write history for a different outcome. That is just not possible.
I believe my child and yours are in the spirit world.. There are no judgements, no recriminations, no grudges and no second guessing. There is only love and forgiveness there. Can you and I not learn from this and find self-forgiveness? With a new season approaching, it is time for a new beginning.
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