As you read this, you may be wondering how you will survive the death of your child or how you have managed to survive so far. Difficult questions to answer. I suppose they have come to my mind as a week ago was what would have been my 41st wedding anniversary. My husband, Fred, died in 1999 six weeks after our son, Chris, died. I suppose I am feeling particularly vulnerable because I have been unwell for two months with mild Gullain Barre Syndrome. Now I am in terrible pain from an old cervical fusion and cervical disc degeneration.
With my inactivity and pain, my mind has been working over-time. I have been wondering how I survived so far and if there is comfort or wisdom in my survival for anyone else. How have I come to be able to write this blog and two children's books and starting a third?
First I believe my faith in God and devotion to the Blessed Mother brought me through the worst of times. I still rely on them both with daily prayer and regular church attendance. (If going to church makes you cry, go with someone to a different church or watch a church service on TV instead.)
Next I made two decisions: 1) Not to let these tragedies destroy me, but to go on with my life; 2) Not to become a bitter, angry person who would push away the very people who could love and support me. I think both these realizations brought me through my darkest days. My survival became a matter of choice. Of course, friends, family and neighbors stood by me. There is no way I could have gone on without them. I can never repay them. All I could do was not to give up on myself as they were not giving up on me.
I also wrote and wrote. I started with a letter to my son which I buried at his gravesite. Then, I wrote and wrote and wrote my feelings, my memories, my thoughts which filled several large notebooks. This got all my emotions, worries and frustrations out. I went out with friends and family when invited as I did not think isolation would be good. I retired from work when a favorable package was made available and took a religious tour to Italy with my church. I returned to work part-time six months later as I missed it.
I began to make jewelry and penned two children's books, the first dedicated to my son and the second to my husband. It gave me great peace to memorialize them both. For me, doing something creative was very healing. I also went for counseling and to a support group run by a nun trained in pastoral care. Was any of this easy? No, but I felt it all necessary to move through my pain.
Besides my faith, the one constant in my life was my dog, Amber, who I had gotten for Chris on his thirteenth birthday. She was always there with love, devotion, companionship, protection and healing. I based my children's book series on her.
This has been my journey so far. There is not an end to this journey, only constant evolution. I know there will always be dark days popping up with anger and non-acceptance That is just the way of it even as grief gets less intense.
I cannot tell you how to make your journey through your grief. If something here speaks to you, I say try it for yourself. One thing I can tell you is whatever you decide or try, it will take courage. More courage and determination than you have ever had to use before in your life. I have learned bravery is needed in the face of life's choices for survival.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
My Thoughts on Mother's Day
These thoughts are a reply written this past week to a blog, I Fall to Pieces. The concern was raised that if you lose an only child, are you still a mother. The following is my response.
I believe we are and will always be Moms even though we have lost our only children. Our children will always live in our hearts and memories. Although our sons (and daughters) do not exist physically, they exist in another dimension spiritually. As we continue to love them, they continue to love us as well and watch over us.
Grief is multi-faceted with so many things to sort out especially in early days. I lost my husband and son within six weeks of each other. I regret that I did not spend more time with Chris instead of so much time with his father in the nursing home. I can't go back and change that. I have to take limited comfort in thinking I did what I thought was best at the time. I knew my husband's time was limited. Little did I know Chris' time was as well. None of us can see into the future. We are human and by nature imperfect beings.
I have learned what circles round and round in our heads matters very little to our children once they have passed over. They are bathed in peace and in God's love and continued love for us. Of course, we would rather have them with us, but it cannot be. One day when it is our time, we will be re-united. I try to hold onto this and try ways to honor Chris' life.
It takes much work and soul searching and time to get through this. It is the hardest battle of our lives. It does things to our heads and hearts. There will always be challenges. Recently, I had some health issue and concerns my cancer had returned. I honestly had to question myself if I would seek treatment or refuse it so I could re-join Chris and Fred. I still have not been able to answer that. I am not really sure what is actually wrong with me or if there is a right or wrong thing to do for me and for those who care about me. Grief messes with your head.
You can move through this journey, and as I saw on Facebook, the pain gets softer, but never goes away entirely. For me, it has helped to work with a grief counselor, memorialize Chris in my own way and to try to interface with other parents. We can pull each other along.
It has been 14 years though it seems like yesterday. I still have times of anger and non-acceptance, but I am able to function and find some satisfaction in life. I have supportive family and friends with whom I share many memories and the love of Chris and Fred. Maybe this is as good as it will get and I can live with that. As we have learned, life does not turn out as we planned.
My thoughts and prayers are with you on Mother's Day. I will be with friends who have become my surrogate children and grandchildren. I think we should spend the day doing what WE want and not fulfilling someone else's expectations. I pray for peace, wisdom and strength for all of us.
I believe we are and will always be Moms even though we have lost our only children. Our children will always live in our hearts and memories. Although our sons (and daughters) do not exist physically, they exist in another dimension spiritually. As we continue to love them, they continue to love us as well and watch over us.
Grief is multi-faceted with so many things to sort out especially in early days. I lost my husband and son within six weeks of each other. I regret that I did not spend more time with Chris instead of so much time with his father in the nursing home. I can't go back and change that. I have to take limited comfort in thinking I did what I thought was best at the time. I knew my husband's time was limited. Little did I know Chris' time was as well. None of us can see into the future. We are human and by nature imperfect beings.
I have learned what circles round and round in our heads matters very little to our children once they have passed over. They are bathed in peace and in God's love and continued love for us. Of course, we would rather have them with us, but it cannot be. One day when it is our time, we will be re-united. I try to hold onto this and try ways to honor Chris' life.
It takes much work and soul searching and time to get through this. It is the hardest battle of our lives. It does things to our heads and hearts. There will always be challenges. Recently, I had some health issue and concerns my cancer had returned. I honestly had to question myself if I would seek treatment or refuse it so I could re-join Chris and Fred. I still have not been able to answer that. I am not really sure what is actually wrong with me or if there is a right or wrong thing to do for me and for those who care about me. Grief messes with your head.
You can move through this journey, and as I saw on Facebook, the pain gets softer, but never goes away entirely. For me, it has helped to work with a grief counselor, memorialize Chris in my own way and to try to interface with other parents. We can pull each other along.
It has been 14 years though it seems like yesterday. I still have times of anger and non-acceptance, but I am able to function and find some satisfaction in life. I have supportive family and friends with whom I share many memories and the love of Chris and Fred. Maybe this is as good as it will get and I can live with that. As we have learned, life does not turn out as we planned.
My thoughts and prayers are with you on Mother's Day. I will be with friends who have become my surrogate children and grandchildren. I think we should spend the day doing what WE want and not fulfilling someone else's expectations. I pray for peace, wisdom and strength for all of us.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Death and Gun Violence
Because of the number of deaths and the grief it causes parents and other family members and friends, I want to present my thoughts on guns and the problems people with guns cause. Let me say at the outset, my son died of a gunshot wound of the chest. It may have been a homicide or manslaughter or an accident. To this day, I do not know. I do know that too many of us have lost our children to gun violence that should not have happened. Another week has gone by and still more shootings, one in a workplace and one in a hospital. Lives are lost and the survivors' lives irrevocably changed forever. I wonder what it would be like in the U.S. if guns were not so readily available especially to criminals, dangerously mentally ill people and juveniles.
Obtaining a gun permit is not an easy process with a lengthy application and a background check for criminal records and supposedly for a history of serious mental illness. Yet, somehow there is a proliferation of guns that wind up in the wrong hands with disastrous consequences. Some gun owners do not secure their weapons properly so they wind up in the hands of children of all ages for accidents or purposeful killing. Others eligible for gun ownership buy many guns at gun shows or online where there are no background checks or limit on purchases. These can be resold on the street to people who should not have them. Big problem and the source of most gun crimes.
What can or should be done to prevent gun deaths? On one hand we have the proponents of gun ownership because of the Second Amendment to our U.S. Constitution which guarantees citizens the right to bear arms. It is my own opinion this amendment was intended for militias to protect the country and to protect citizens against a tyrranical government, not widespread gun availability and gun ownership for personal use. Many may strongly disagree with my point of view, but cannot there be some middle ground?
There seems to be too many flaws in the permit process, especially as regards seriously and dangerously mentally individuals, gun show purchases and online purchases. I would say all these areas need to be tightened up to protect the public and the rights of legitimate gun owners. What is not the answer is more widespread gun ownership for protection against the "bad guys." That is just too dangerous and reminds me of a wild west mentality. I also see no reason why any citizen should be allowed to obtain an assault rifle. They can do a lot of damage in a short period of time and are too dangerous to defend against. Assault weapons should be limited to law enforcement and the military.
Because of my experience working in a large urban school district, I am also in favor of metal detectors for all students and visitors to high schools and middle schools where most school gun violence has occurred. These schools should also have school police officers and/or an assigned law enforcement officer.
These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I would like to know if you agree or disagree or have any further ideas. I think, though, we can all agree steps must be taken to stem gun violence.
Obtaining a gun permit is not an easy process with a lengthy application and a background check for criminal records and supposedly for a history of serious mental illness. Yet, somehow there is a proliferation of guns that wind up in the wrong hands with disastrous consequences. Some gun owners do not secure their weapons properly so they wind up in the hands of children of all ages for accidents or purposeful killing. Others eligible for gun ownership buy many guns at gun shows or online where there are no background checks or limit on purchases. These can be resold on the street to people who should not have them. Big problem and the source of most gun crimes.
What can or should be done to prevent gun deaths? On one hand we have the proponents of gun ownership because of the Second Amendment to our U.S. Constitution which guarantees citizens the right to bear arms. It is my own opinion this amendment was intended for militias to protect the country and to protect citizens against a tyrranical government, not widespread gun availability and gun ownership for personal use. Many may strongly disagree with my point of view, but cannot there be some middle ground?
There seems to be too many flaws in the permit process, especially as regards seriously and dangerously mentally individuals, gun show purchases and online purchases. I would say all these areas need to be tightened up to protect the public and the rights of legitimate gun owners. What is not the answer is more widespread gun ownership for protection against the "bad guys." That is just too dangerous and reminds me of a wild west mentality. I also see no reason why any citizen should be allowed to obtain an assault rifle. They can do a lot of damage in a short period of time and are too dangerous to defend against. Assault weapons should be limited to law enforcement and the military.
Because of my experience working in a large urban school district, I am also in favor of metal detectors for all students and visitors to high schools and middle schools where most school gun violence has occurred. These schools should also have school police officers and/or an assigned law enforcement officer.
These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I would like to know if you agree or disagree or have any further ideas. I think, though, we can all agree steps must be taken to stem gun violence.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
The Taking of Life
I have had it with what I see as society disintegrating all around us. Everyday there is news of another mass shooting or stabbing, many in schools. And just yesterday in a U.S. high school, a girl was stabbed to death because she refused to be a young man's prom date. She already had a date. For those of us who have lost children, especially in a violent way, these stories become more and more painful as we truly understand the heartache incurred with these losses of lives.
I ask myself is it evil or mental illness or social media or violence in the pop culture or all of the above which contribute to these tragedies. Are weapons too readily available? Do schools need better security procedures? Is care for mental illness inadequate and too difficult to obtain? Are we bombarded with violence in books, movies, video games, music, and TV. Has social media contributed to mass depersonalization of the individual? Can we no longer think, relate or communicate on a personal and empathetic level? Has drug addiction overrun our society so people no longer feel or know what they are doing? Has family life totally dissolved? And finally, have we turned too far away from God, prayer and organized religion in our modern and very secularized culture? Have we simply forgotten there is a moral right and a wrong?
What makes any one person think he has the right to take the life of another? I think of a recent case where three teenagers were "bored" and decided to kill someone for something to do. They piled in a car, and drive-by style, shot a promising college athlete thereby ending a bright future. How detached is that kind of behavior or is it just plain evil? These young men can express all the apologies and regrets they want, but that can never match the pain of the parents, family and friends of this murdered young man. Even their punishment, cannot take away the pain of loved ones.
I my humble opinion, we need to first strengthen and re-integrate the nuclear family unit. It is better for children to have two parents and to be born in a loving stable home and not to a teenage mother. Marriage needs to become important again. Now, things are backwards. Couples have children, buy a house, then "think" about getting married. We have lost sight of the fact that it should be the reverse. Or, worse yet, there is no wedding at all. Just rolling from one relationship to another with children as movable chess pieces in a game of life.
This return to stability and morality in the family should bring us back to God and regular attendance in a place of worship. I truly believe we need recognize there is a higher power to whom we have to give an accounting for our lives. We seem to have lost sight of that and children are not being taught this spiritual accountability.
Next, the mental health system in the U.S. needs to be re-structured. There needs to be more care available, hospitalizations easier to access, more inpatient beds for the severely mentally ill, and better identification and intervention for high risks individuals in our schools and work places.
Finally the scourge of drug addiction must be addressed. In many cases, outpatient treatment or 28 days of inpatient treatment is just not adequate for someone who has adopted that lifestyle and has reached rock bottom in addiction. It is my belief that in most cases, addiction is an outer symptom of an inner pain which must be addressed to cure the addiction. The amount of coverage allowed by insurance is simply just not sufficient to address all the issues. Until this is recognized and willing to be dealt with, addiction will retain it's hold on far too many people at an even greater cost to our society than treating it adequately. Treating addiction takes far longer than just detox.
These are my ideas. Perhaps you have others or you don't agree. I would like to hear what you think. You may ask, "What can I do?" I would start by looking in the mirror and asking where you stand with your family and your God. Maybe you can't do this right now because of the pain of your grief, but, your family wants and needs you. And God loves you, believes in you and is there to heal you.
I ask myself is it evil or mental illness or social media or violence in the pop culture or all of the above which contribute to these tragedies. Are weapons too readily available? Do schools need better security procedures? Is care for mental illness inadequate and too difficult to obtain? Are we bombarded with violence in books, movies, video games, music, and TV. Has social media contributed to mass depersonalization of the individual? Can we no longer think, relate or communicate on a personal and empathetic level? Has drug addiction overrun our society so people no longer feel or know what they are doing? Has family life totally dissolved? And finally, have we turned too far away from God, prayer and organized religion in our modern and very secularized culture? Have we simply forgotten there is a moral right and a wrong?
What makes any one person think he has the right to take the life of another? I think of a recent case where three teenagers were "bored" and decided to kill someone for something to do. They piled in a car, and drive-by style, shot a promising college athlete thereby ending a bright future. How detached is that kind of behavior or is it just plain evil? These young men can express all the apologies and regrets they want, but that can never match the pain of the parents, family and friends of this murdered young man. Even their punishment, cannot take away the pain of loved ones.
I my humble opinion, we need to first strengthen and re-integrate the nuclear family unit. It is better for children to have two parents and to be born in a loving stable home and not to a teenage mother. Marriage needs to become important again. Now, things are backwards. Couples have children, buy a house, then "think" about getting married. We have lost sight of the fact that it should be the reverse. Or, worse yet, there is no wedding at all. Just rolling from one relationship to another with children as movable chess pieces in a game of life.
This return to stability and morality in the family should bring us back to God and regular attendance in a place of worship. I truly believe we need recognize there is a higher power to whom we have to give an accounting for our lives. We seem to have lost sight of that and children are not being taught this spiritual accountability.
Next, the mental health system in the U.S. needs to be re-structured. There needs to be more care available, hospitalizations easier to access, more inpatient beds for the severely mentally ill, and better identification and intervention for high risks individuals in our schools and work places.
Finally the scourge of drug addiction must be addressed. In many cases, outpatient treatment or 28 days of inpatient treatment is just not adequate for someone who has adopted that lifestyle and has reached rock bottom in addiction. It is my belief that in most cases, addiction is an outer symptom of an inner pain which must be addressed to cure the addiction. The amount of coverage allowed by insurance is simply just not sufficient to address all the issues. Until this is recognized and willing to be dealt with, addiction will retain it's hold on far too many people at an even greater cost to our society than treating it adequately. Treating addiction takes far longer than just detox.
These are my ideas. Perhaps you have others or you don't agree. I would like to hear what you think. You may ask, "What can I do?" I would start by looking in the mirror and asking where you stand with your family and your God. Maybe you can't do this right now because of the pain of your grief, but, your family wants and needs you. And God loves you, believes in you and is there to heal you.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Peace at this Holy Time
I wish all of you peace at Easter and Passover. May you be able to spend time with family and friends for the love and support of each other.
I am sorry you have not heard from me recently. I have been sick with a serious respiratory infection followed by a mild form of Gullain Barre Syndrome. I am thankful I am not more seriously ill and still able to get around. Mainly I have been extremely fatigued and feeling very weak. I seem to have improved a little in the last few days. I am looking forward to feeling better in a couple of weeks and getting back to writing.
You have been in my thoughts and prayers. May God keep you in his care.
I am sorry you have not heard from me recently. I have been sick with a serious respiratory infection followed by a mild form of Gullain Barre Syndrome. I am thankful I am not more seriously ill and still able to get around. Mainly I have been extremely fatigued and feeling very weak. I seem to have improved a little in the last few days. I am looking forward to feeling better in a couple of weeks and getting back to writing.
You have been in my thoughts and prayers. May God keep you in his care.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Find Your Rose
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the suns love
In the spring becomes the rose
Janis Joplin, The Rose
I have had enough of winter, literally and figuratively. Grief definitely feels like the winter of your life. Endless, joyless, dreary days with little or nothing to look forward to.
I am feeling, lately, like not doing much. I know it is related to needing to reach deep down within myself to renew the spark of forgiveness for those involved in the death of my son. In times of stress, things have a way of re-surfacing even when you have worked hard on dealing with them. The inclement weather, with its forced isolation of being housebound, has not been good.
I am in an angry mood, but when I acknowledge it, I eat less. I need to start punching pillows again and pray for healing. Recently my priest at mass spoke about forgiveness. He mentioned a quote he found on Facebook about holding onto anger and grudges. The quote likened this to, Drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. So who gets hurt with anger and other negative emotions?
True, you and I can feel justified for being angry at the factors and individuals involved with the deaths of our children. So it becomes a question of which seed to feed, anger or forgiveness. At some point you and I have to make this choice. And probably more than once or even daily.
I know I am not dead inside. Neither are you because you are reading this. You are seeking a way to bring some peace and healing into your life. You and I do have the spark of life that can light the way to the seed of personal growth, our roses. The rose may be covered with the tears of the bitter snows of loss, but it can bloom again. A new spring is possible.
I am proposing an exercise to deal with anger and negative emotions. If you have no physical limitations to doing so, find something you can punch--- a pillow, sofa, or punching bag, or something you will not injure yourself on. Now, name your emotion and all the factors or persons you feel negatively about and punch them one by one. When you feel tired or spent, stop. Take some deep breaths, cry, laugh, whatever.
Now, stand and take three deep breaths. Hold your hands up, palms out. Start making counter-clock wise motions with your hands. Each time your hands move away from your body, exhale and blow out all negativity. Do that five times. Next, make clock-wise motions with your hands. Each time you bring your hands close to your body, breathe in and bring peace and healing to your body. Repeat five times. Then hold your hands over your head and stretch and deep breathe. Try to hold onto that feeling of peace.
Final step, do something to nurture yourself. It can be a cup of tea, a bath, reading a favorite passage from the bible, listening to music, prayer or meditation or get a massage. You need this to get through this journey. It is necessity, not a reason for a guilt trip.
Practice feeding the seed of hope and love, not negativity. That seed, with care and love, can bloom into your rose of renewed life.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Changing Focus
My mental outlook has improved from my last blog. I think, maybe, I was feeling some post-holiday blues and some Valentine's Day dread. Anyway, I decided I had to shift gears. I had to focus on what I have in my life. Not what I have lost.
How did I do that? I used an anger release technique by punching my bed pillows vigorously and repeatedly for several minutes. One by one, I visualized punching each person I believed had harmed my son, Chris, and each person who denied him justice. It was very helpful in releasing my emotions.
I woke up the next morning and realized it takes energy to stay in an angry and negative place. It seemed better to remember the good things in my life. My separation from my son and husband, unfair as it seems to me, is temporary. I believe, someday, we will be re-united in eternity. Just not yet.
With prayer, I came to understand how wonderful loving, kind and supportive friends and family have been to me. It was very good to celebrate Super Bowl Sunday and a little birthday dinner with my husband's family. I did have to take some deep breaths and put my game face on in more ways than one. I struggled to go from the negative place to the positive place.
Before going out, I prayed for inner peace. I prayed, too, my smile would reach my heart and eyes. I know in my heart my son, Chris, and husband, Fred, had looked down on our celebration. I love my husband's family dearly. They have not forgotten me, Chris or Fred. For this, I am very grateful and blessed. Also, my best friend and her family called me to check up on me as I know they were concerned about me because of the previous blog. I felt very appreciative and touched.
I reminded myself I am not alone. I am grateful I can talk about Fred and Chris to friends and family. At first, they were uncomfortable, but I persisted. Eventually they came to enjoy my memories and interject their own. We do indeed have many happy memories and are forging ahead to make new ones.
We are all fragile in our bereavement, but that does not mean we do not possess inner strength. Some days, it may be hard to tap into this strength or recognize it at all. If you are reading this after the death of your child, you do indeed have inner strength. Please take a moment to validate yourself.
It may help to sit in a comfortable chair, deep breathe, relax and clear your head. Concentrate and say to yourself over and over, "I am strong. I can get through this." I did this exercise before going out to the party. If you do this, have courage and explore any thoughts that come up. These thoughts are something you may want to discuss with a grief counselor or your support group. If you don't have either, I strongly urge you to get connected to one and/or the other. Grief is a journey very difficult to go alone.
It takes energy and work, as well, to be positive. But to me, this is energy well spent rather than flailing around in a pit of negativity endlessly.
How did I do that? I used an anger release technique by punching my bed pillows vigorously and repeatedly for several minutes. One by one, I visualized punching each person I believed had harmed my son, Chris, and each person who denied him justice. It was very helpful in releasing my emotions.
I woke up the next morning and realized it takes energy to stay in an angry and negative place. It seemed better to remember the good things in my life. My separation from my son and husband, unfair as it seems to me, is temporary. I believe, someday, we will be re-united in eternity. Just not yet.
With prayer, I came to understand how wonderful loving, kind and supportive friends and family have been to me. It was very good to celebrate Super Bowl Sunday and a little birthday dinner with my husband's family. I did have to take some deep breaths and put my game face on in more ways than one. I struggled to go from the negative place to the positive place.
Before going out, I prayed for inner peace. I prayed, too, my smile would reach my heart and eyes. I know in my heart my son, Chris, and husband, Fred, had looked down on our celebration. I love my husband's family dearly. They have not forgotten me, Chris or Fred. For this, I am very grateful and blessed. Also, my best friend and her family called me to check up on me as I know they were concerned about me because of the previous blog. I felt very appreciative and touched.
I reminded myself I am not alone. I am grateful I can talk about Fred and Chris to friends and family. At first, they were uncomfortable, but I persisted. Eventually they came to enjoy my memories and interject their own. We do indeed have many happy memories and are forging ahead to make new ones.
We are all fragile in our bereavement, but that does not mean we do not possess inner strength. Some days, it may be hard to tap into this strength or recognize it at all. If you are reading this after the death of your child, you do indeed have inner strength. Please take a moment to validate yourself.
It may help to sit in a comfortable chair, deep breathe, relax and clear your head. Concentrate and say to yourself over and over, "I am strong. I can get through this." I did this exercise before going out to the party. If you do this, have courage and explore any thoughts that come up. These thoughts are something you may want to discuss with a grief counselor or your support group. If you don't have either, I strongly urge you to get connected to one and/or the other. Grief is a journey very difficult to go alone.
It takes energy and work, as well, to be positive. But to me, this is energy well spent rather than flailing around in a pit of negativity endlessly.
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