Tomorrow is the anniversary of Chris' death. It does not seem possible that he has been gone fourteen years. It seems it was only a short time ago.m
I am doing okay. I am away in the Balearic Islands in Spain. On Tuesday, I plan to go to church to mass and to light a candle for Chris and one for all of you and another for your children. Then I will do a little shopping and go on a short boat cruise to swim and picnic.
I don't think Chris wants me to spend the day morning as I am tempted to do. I will tuck my grief safely within me and go on with life. Life is full of very difficult choices.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Honoring Chris
Thursday, September 19 is my son Chris' birthday. He would have been 37 years old had he not been killed. I don't want to focus on his death, but rather on his life. From the start he was a very sweet and happy baby and very bright. He always asked a lot of questions. I have very happy memories of reading to him as a child. These memories helped inspire me to write my books. As I write, I often think Chris would like this or Chris would think this is funny.
Chris' paternal grandfather was a professional soccer player. From the age of two years, Chris showed signs of being a very good runner. At the age of nine he joined an Olympic caliber track club where he did very well in long distances and cross country. He won many ribbons and team trophies. He even went to National Junior Olympics three times for cross-country. His father and I were very proud of his accomplishments. After middle school years, he played soccer and basketball for the small private school he attended as he wanted to learn more about these sports.
In high school he also took up the guitar for his own pleasure. Although he took lessons, he was primarily self taught. He would spend hours composing one lyrical ballad after the other.
Chris had some very good friends. They liked his humor, loyalty and encyclopedic knowledge which he got from his father as well as his ability to reason with them and act as a peacemaker. He was an excellent driver and his friends always counted on him as the designated driver as he did not drink because of taking medication for attention deficit disorder. He was excellent in math, but because of his ADD had a hard time with the other subjects except history as he had learned so much from his father.
He was a very big help to me in caring for his father during his illness. Then he was very good to me when I went through cancer surgery and chemo. I miss his love, his humor and his companionship. His father and I loved him very much as did many people who still miss him.
Rest in peace, dear son. I know you are with Dad, little Amber and your grandparents. I hope you have found a guitar, a baseball card collection and some running shoes. I love you and miss you everyday.
May God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again. ---- Irish Blessing
Chris' paternal grandfather was a professional soccer player. From the age of two years, Chris showed signs of being a very good runner. At the age of nine he joined an Olympic caliber track club where he did very well in long distances and cross country. He won many ribbons and team trophies. He even went to National Junior Olympics three times for cross-country. His father and I were very proud of his accomplishments. After middle school years, he played soccer and basketball for the small private school he attended as he wanted to learn more about these sports.
In high school he also took up the guitar for his own pleasure. Although he took lessons, he was primarily self taught. He would spend hours composing one lyrical ballad after the other.
Chris had some very good friends. They liked his humor, loyalty and encyclopedic knowledge which he got from his father as well as his ability to reason with them and act as a peacemaker. He was an excellent driver and his friends always counted on him as the designated driver as he did not drink because of taking medication for attention deficit disorder. He was excellent in math, but because of his ADD had a hard time with the other subjects except history as he had learned so much from his father.
He was a very big help to me in caring for his father during his illness. Then he was very good to me when I went through cancer surgery and chemo. I miss his love, his humor and his companionship. His father and I loved him very much as did many people who still miss him.
Rest in peace, dear son. I know you are with Dad, little Amber and your grandparents. I hope you have found a guitar, a baseball card collection and some running shoes. I love you and miss you everyday.
May God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again. ---- Irish Blessing
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Finding Peace Within
You hold within your heart all that pains and torments you. You try to go on with life because you cannot rationalize these pains away. That is why it is so difficult not to become bitter, angry and hopeless.
So I am repeating the concept of creating a little room within yourself for this grief and torment. Write down all your heartaches and visualize moving these ideas or words into your little room with in your conscious mind. These torments are hard to keep from permeating your entire life. That is why it is good to pack them all up in one place within you. If you are having negative thoughts or a bad day, you can place all these in your interior room with God or your higher power.
I experimented with making my room comfortable and attractively decorated. I also put in Chris' guitars, CD collection and running shoes. Along with the comfortable furniture, I hung paintings done by husband on the walls.
When I feel like it, I meditate on this room and ask God's help to strengthen me to go on and to find truth and justice for Chris. I can leave all this in my room and then go on with living.
I know this may seem strange, but please try it. You may be surprised how much peace and courage this little room may bring you. Again, please experiment with this and let me know how it goes.
So I am repeating the concept of creating a little room within yourself for this grief and torment. Write down all your heartaches and visualize moving these ideas or words into your little room with in your conscious mind. These torments are hard to keep from permeating your entire life. That is why it is good to pack them all up in one place within you. If you are having negative thoughts or a bad day, you can place all these in your interior room with God or your higher power.
I experimented with making my room comfortable and attractively decorated. I also put in Chris' guitars, CD collection and running shoes. Along with the comfortable furniture, I hung paintings done by husband on the walls.
When I feel like it, I meditate on this room and ask God's help to strengthen me to go on and to find truth and justice for Chris. I can leave all this in my room and then go on with living.
I know this may seem strange, but please try it. You may be surprised how much peace and courage this little room may bring you. Again, please experiment with this and let me know how it goes.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
A Room Within Yourself
Is it possible to put your grief in a little room within yourself? I say it's worth a try.
Today on EWTN, Pope Francis told the story of St. Catherine of Sienna, a nun and the patron saint of nurses. The Pope talked about how when her parents destroyed her room for refusing to marry, St. Catherine created a little room within herself where she kept God. The Holy Father challenged the viewers to do the same with their own spirituality.
I decided to challenge myself to create my own little room within me. In it I placed all my grief over the unknowns surrounding Chris' death and my hope for truth and justice. In my special room, I turned this all over to God for His care.
I believe with God's power, we are not powerless to control what is within us. When you are with God, it matters not who and what is against you. I hope you will try to do this with your own grief. In this special room, you can visit your grief and tell all your heartaches to God. Then your grief doesn't have to permeate your whole life. You can do other things while your grief and issues are under God's protection and care. I credit my own faith for bringing me this far in the grieving process and for recent blessings.
Peace and love,
Rosemarie
P.S. Many thanks for your prayers and good wishes. My book signing was very successful. RK
Today on EWTN, Pope Francis told the story of St. Catherine of Sienna, a nun and the patron saint of nurses. The Pope talked about how when her parents destroyed her room for refusing to marry, St. Catherine created a little room within herself where she kept God. The Holy Father challenged the viewers to do the same with their own spirituality.
I decided to challenge myself to create my own little room within me. In it I placed all my grief over the unknowns surrounding Chris' death and my hope for truth and justice. In my special room, I turned this all over to God for His care.
I believe with God's power, we are not powerless to control what is within us. When you are with God, it matters not who and what is against you. I hope you will try to do this with your own grief. In this special room, you can visit your grief and tell all your heartaches to God. Then your grief doesn't have to permeate your whole life. You can do other things while your grief and issues are under God's protection and care. I credit my own faith for bringing me this far in the grieving process and for recent blessings.
Peace and love,
Rosemarie
P.S. Many thanks for your prayers and good wishes. My book signing was very successful. RK
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Good Things Still Happen
"... you can vanquish your demons only when you yourself are convinced of your own worth." ---- Author Adeline Yen Mah in Chinese Cinderella.
I have a sense of unreality today as things are going well. I am so blessed with the recent success of my books. I received a beautiful gift of a framed newspaper article about my life story and my motivation for writing my books in preparation for my Book Signing. How fortunate I am to have such good friends. Of course, I wish Chris and Fred were here to share this joy, but I know they are with me in spirit.
I want to emphasize to everyone reading this that you can have good things happen and joy in your life again. As I have said before, you are more than a bereaved parent. You will always have grief over the loss of your child, but you cannot let it define you. Your grief has to become integrated into your life so it is no longer your sole focus. You deserve to have a life again and to feel pleasure again.
I am fortunate that I found purpose in my books. Something creative is often a good outlet to deal with loss particularly if what you do commemorates your child's life. My outlet is writing, but yours can be drawing, painting, quilting, photography, scrap booking or gardening. Maybe something you did a long time ago and can pick up again. I really urge you to try something.
There has been no response from the police chief or Crime Tips. No surprise, but no matter. I will push on in a positive vein to memorialize Chris' life as I hope and pray for justice.
I have a sense of unreality today as things are going well. I am so blessed with the recent success of my books. I received a beautiful gift of a framed newspaper article about my life story and my motivation for writing my books in preparation for my Book Signing. How fortunate I am to have such good friends. Of course, I wish Chris and Fred were here to share this joy, but I know they are with me in spirit.
I want to emphasize to everyone reading this that you can have good things happen and joy in your life again. As I have said before, you are more than a bereaved parent. You will always have grief over the loss of your child, but you cannot let it define you. Your grief has to become integrated into your life so it is no longer your sole focus. You deserve to have a life again and to feel pleasure again.
I am fortunate that I found purpose in my books. Something creative is often a good outlet to deal with loss particularly if what you do commemorates your child's life. My outlet is writing, but yours can be drawing, painting, quilting, photography, scrap booking or gardening. Maybe something you did a long time ago and can pick up again. I really urge you to try something.
There has been no response from the police chief or Crime Tips. No surprise, but no matter. I will push on in a positive vein to memorialize Chris' life as I hope and pray for justice.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Action, Fear and Faith
I mailed my last blog, An Appeal to Law Enforcement, to the police chief in the Pennsylvania township where my son was killed. I also summarized all the salient facts pointing to evidence his death was not a suicide. I submitted them to the same township's Crime Tips. I asked for justice finally for Chris and asked that his case be re-examined. I felt I owed one more try to Chris.
Trying to deal with the anger I feel over the injustice of Chris' situation was giving me tremendous headaches. Since doing the above, the headaches have improved. If I get no response, I am no worse off. At least I tried. And in a sense, no response will support my suspicions about the political corruption existing in this town. I have to admit, I feel somewhat fearful and apprehensive. I am afraid if the politically connected father of the young woman involved is informed, he will try to retaliate against me. Meanwhile, I will wait, hope and pray.
I will pray to accept what is and focus on what is positive in my life. You have to take steps to protect your health. You are still allowed to live and enjoy life. As such, I am trying to bask in the successes my books are having and my upcoming book signing event. Trying to work on acceptance and integrate this with my present life is proving to be a struggle. But, one I must get through. I have faith I can do this and hope one day Chris will get justice. If you think of it, pray for me. I will pray for you daily. God bless.
Trying to deal with the anger I feel over the injustice of Chris' situation was giving me tremendous headaches. Since doing the above, the headaches have improved. If I get no response, I am no worse off. At least I tried. And in a sense, no response will support my suspicions about the political corruption existing in this town. I have to admit, I feel somewhat fearful and apprehensive. I am afraid if the politically connected father of the young woman involved is informed, he will try to retaliate against me. Meanwhile, I will wait, hope and pray.
I will pray to accept what is and focus on what is positive in my life. You have to take steps to protect your health. You are still allowed to live and enjoy life. As such, I am trying to bask in the successes my books are having and my upcoming book signing event. Trying to work on acceptance and integrate this with my present life is proving to be a struggle. But, one I must get through. I have faith I can do this and hope one day Chris will get justice. If you think of it, pray for me. I will pray for you daily. God bless.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
An Appeal to Law Enforcement
"Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles no one knows about." Author Unknown
How true for those of us who have lost children. Especially in cases of a traumatic death when there is no resolution and no one person, product or event is held accountable. Everyone's circumstances are different, but often there are common threads.
I would like to make a personal appeal based on my circumstance and to which, I'm sure, many of you can relate. I am asking law enforcement officers, district attorneys, medical examiners and EMT'S to not casually brush off families' questions and concerns. Decisions which seem trivial or insignificant, or even knowingly wrong to you, result in a lifetime of anxiety and anger, even mental torment, for a parents who have lost children.
Let me give you two examples. The detective investigating my son's death refused to do a gunshot residue test on the young woman who was there with Chris. He cited their inaccuracy. More likely her father's political connections influenced this. And the medical examiner called me the day after Chris died. I was still in shock and wrestling with the question of how I was going to tell my very ill husband, who was in a nursing home, that our son had died. He asked me if I wanted Chris' clothes sent home. All I could think of was these blood saturated garments which was more than I could bear looking at. He offered to burn them and I stupidly agreed. Later I found out he had no permission from the police to do this and as such had destroyed evidence. Again her father's influence.
What I am saying to all those in the criminal justice system, what seems minor to you, for whatever motivation, can result in a lifetime of unanswered questions and mental torment for parents and families. I hope this is something which those of you who have this decision making power will be aware. I don't want one more parent to go through what I have been through.
How true for those of us who have lost children. Especially in cases of a traumatic death when there is no resolution and no one person, product or event is held accountable. Everyone's circumstances are different, but often there are common threads.
I would like to make a personal appeal based on my circumstance and to which, I'm sure, many of you can relate. I am asking law enforcement officers, district attorneys, medical examiners and EMT'S to not casually brush off families' questions and concerns. Decisions which seem trivial or insignificant, or even knowingly wrong to you, result in a lifetime of anxiety and anger, even mental torment, for a parents who have lost children.
Let me give you two examples. The detective investigating my son's death refused to do a gunshot residue test on the young woman who was there with Chris. He cited their inaccuracy. More likely her father's political connections influenced this. And the medical examiner called me the day after Chris died. I was still in shock and wrestling with the question of how I was going to tell my very ill husband, who was in a nursing home, that our son had died. He asked me if I wanted Chris' clothes sent home. All I could think of was these blood saturated garments which was more than I could bear looking at. He offered to burn them and I stupidly agreed. Later I found out he had no permission from the police to do this and as such had destroyed evidence. Again her father's influence.
What I am saying to all those in the criminal justice system, what seems minor to you, for whatever motivation, can result in a lifetime of unanswered questions and mental torment for parents and families. I hope this is something which those of you who have this decision making power will be aware. I don't want one more parent to go through what I have been through.
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