Transformation as a bereaved parent can be anxiety provoking. There is a tendency to cling to the familiarity of past or present pain. It is as if moving forward to another level will cause you to lose the memory of your child or worse dishonor his or her memory. Even take away whatever little peace you may have found. It is a conflict. No doubt about it. One I can relate to.
When I returned from the peace of visiting Spain. I started to have doubts about moving forward with my writing. I thought, I'll just write little stories for my own and family and friends' pleasure. I am going to give up this blogging and publication stuff. Too stressful. As you can see, I am back blogging. I am also exploring additional options for my books. I had all kinds of excuses to cocoon myself from fatigue to financial. I started a writing seminar which I was anxious about, but it proved to be the motivation I needed.
Transformation is another giant step and another decision on the journey of the grief process. Questions will arise. Can I really move on with my life? Do I want to move ahead? Is it the right thing to do?
Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Only you can decide your future direction. But I urge you to consider with faith, thought and courage, what your next steps might be. It would be very good to take back your own power from the enormity of the tragedy that has loomed over you. If you and I allow ourselves to become or remain victims of our tragic circumstances, this only compounds our losses.
Even if you don't feel like it today, you have survived. This signals you have the ability to be a vital force for the universal good starting today and for tomorrow. Perhaps your time has come to take back your life.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Lemonade from the Lemons of Loss
I learned today suffering should be transformative. Suffering has the capacity to make us grow spiritually and cognitively. It has to be. There is no point in going through it if you don't come out the other end a stronger and wiser person.
That leaves the question of what you and I want our lives to be after suffering the loss of our children. I ask myself and you do you want to find some measure of peace, improve your health, tell your story, help others, or find a way to commemorate your child's life?
Do you think you and I can make lemonade from these lemons of loss? This week I challenge myself and you to think about how we can transform our losses to help ourselves or others. My writing has brought me peace as did traveling to Ibiza. I felt better physically in Ibiza and found it easier to control my weight. I would like to plan to return there and write. Whether my writing would be children's books or something else, I have yet to decide.
But my intention is to transform my loss and enable healing. We must all find ways to transform these shadows of grief into strength, wisdom and healing. It's a personal decision. It may seem like trying to step over a mountain, but trying to continue life after the death of a child is hard work.
That leaves the question of what you and I want our lives to be after suffering the loss of our children. I ask myself and you do you want to find some measure of peace, improve your health, tell your story, help others, or find a way to commemorate your child's life?
Do you think you and I can make lemonade from these lemons of loss? This week I challenge myself and you to think about how we can transform our losses to help ourselves or others. My writing has brought me peace as did traveling to Ibiza. I felt better physically in Ibiza and found it easier to control my weight. I would like to plan to return there and write. Whether my writing would be children's books or something else, I have yet to decide.
But my intention is to transform my loss and enable healing. We must all find ways to transform these shadows of grief into strength, wisdom and healing. It's a personal decision. It may seem like trying to step over a mountain, but trying to continue life after the death of a child is hard work.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tears Today
How can the loss of a child not absorb or rule your life even though it is always with you? Feelings of loss can come up in the most unexpected times and places. I will give you an example.
A picture posted on Facebook moved me to tears today. I don't know if I am missing my son Chris, my husband Fred, my dog Amber or Ibiza. Maybe all of the above. Anyway, someone had been away from his or her dog for five months and then skyped with the dog. After the disconnection, the dog fell asleep in front of the computer screen with its head resting on the keypad. How that dog must love that person. And how great the sense of loss to want to hold onto that connection in any way possible.
Perhaps in our circumstances, you and I are much the same in missing our children. Holding on to memories of events, the sound of his or her voice or appearance, not touching anything in your child's room. Looking at pictures or videos over and over. Wishing for just one more day, conversation or encounter. Or always avoiding doing any of these things-- not even being able to go in your child's bedroom because of the pain caused.
You and I will forever have an undercurrent of sadness. I suppose this is what made me cry at this picture of love and loss. It was just so touching. I have it posted on my timeline on my Facebook page, Rosemarie Kaupp or go to www.rosemariekaupp.com/ Perhaps I needed to cry as a catharsis. I feel very mournful, though. I want to hide in the darkness of my closet and do nothing.
Yet, you and I must fight our way back. Fighting tears, numbness, anger and giving up on living. For me it is a repeated decision to choose not to let loss and tragedy destroy me. I have made suggestions in these blogs which I hope you have found helpful. With faith, help, support and therapy it is possible to have a life and go on living. It will never be the same life as before the loss of your child, but it can be a decent and productive life. Please work to fight your way back. It is work and a very tough fight, but together you and I can go on.
A picture posted on Facebook moved me to tears today. I don't know if I am missing my son Chris, my husband Fred, my dog Amber or Ibiza. Maybe all of the above. Anyway, someone had been away from his or her dog for five months and then skyped with the dog. After the disconnection, the dog fell asleep in front of the computer screen with its head resting on the keypad. How that dog must love that person. And how great the sense of loss to want to hold onto that connection in any way possible.
Perhaps in our circumstances, you and I are much the same in missing our children. Holding on to memories of events, the sound of his or her voice or appearance, not touching anything in your child's room. Looking at pictures or videos over and over. Wishing for just one more day, conversation or encounter. Or always avoiding doing any of these things-- not even being able to go in your child's bedroom because of the pain caused.
You and I will forever have an undercurrent of sadness. I suppose this is what made me cry at this picture of love and loss. It was just so touching. I have it posted on my timeline on my Facebook page, Rosemarie Kaupp or go to www.rosemariekaupp.com/ Perhaps I needed to cry as a catharsis. I feel very mournful, though. I want to hide in the darkness of my closet and do nothing.
Yet, you and I must fight our way back. Fighting tears, numbness, anger and giving up on living. For me it is a repeated decision to choose not to let loss and tragedy destroy me. I have made suggestions in these blogs which I hope you have found helpful. With faith, help, support and therapy it is possible to have a life and go on living. It will never be the same life as before the loss of your child, but it can be a decent and productive life. Please work to fight your way back. It is work and a very tough fight, but together you and I can go on.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
A New Season
I am in the airport in Ibiza Island, Spain. I feel very refreshed for having gotten away during this difficult month. I truly enjoyed my time here. I would recommend Ibiza as a vacation for anyone. I experienced great people who are multi-lingual. Wonderful weather, beautiful beaches, great shopping, and fantastic food and drink. I am hoping for a return trip. Very hard to leave Ibiza.
The plane is taking off. One last look at the island. I wish all of you some distraction and refreshment. I know the tendency is to feel guilty about having a good time after the death of a child. It is okay to have a good time again and enjoy yourself when the occasion calls for it.
I have experienced my own guilt and self-recrimination following the death of my son as I am sure you have too. We want to re-write history for a different outcome. That is just not possible.
I believe my child and yours are in the spirit world.. There are no judgements, no recriminations, no grudges and no second guessing. There is only love and forgiveness there. Can you and I not learn from this and find self-forgiveness? With a new season approaching, it is time for a new beginning.
The plane is taking off. One last look at the island. I wish all of you some distraction and refreshment. I know the tendency is to feel guilty about having a good time after the death of a child. It is okay to have a good time again and enjoy yourself when the occasion calls for it.
I have experienced my own guilt and self-recrimination following the death of my son as I am sure you have too. We want to re-write history for a different outcome. That is just not possible.
I believe my child and yours are in the spirit world.. There are no judgements, no recriminations, no grudges and no second guessing. There is only love and forgiveness there. Can you and I not learn from this and find self-forgiveness? With a new season approaching, it is time for a new beginning.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Anniversary Day..
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Chris' death. It does not seem possible that he has been gone fourteen years. It seems it was only a short time ago.m
I am doing okay. I am away in the Balearic Islands in Spain. On Tuesday, I plan to go to church to mass and to light a candle for Chris and one for all of you and another for your children. Then I will do a little shopping and go on a short boat cruise to swim and picnic.
I don't think Chris wants me to spend the day morning as I am tempted to do. I will tuck my grief safely within me and go on with life. Life is full of very difficult choices.
I am doing okay. I am away in the Balearic Islands in Spain. On Tuesday, I plan to go to church to mass and to light a candle for Chris and one for all of you and another for your children. Then I will do a little shopping and go on a short boat cruise to swim and picnic.
I don't think Chris wants me to spend the day morning as I am tempted to do. I will tuck my grief safely within me and go on with life. Life is full of very difficult choices.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Honoring Chris
Thursday, September 19 is my son Chris' birthday. He would have been 37 years old had he not been killed. I don't want to focus on his death, but rather on his life. From the start he was a very sweet and happy baby and very bright. He always asked a lot of questions. I have very happy memories of reading to him as a child. These memories helped inspire me to write my books. As I write, I often think Chris would like this or Chris would think this is funny.
Chris' paternal grandfather was a professional soccer player. From the age of two years, Chris showed signs of being a very good runner. At the age of nine he joined an Olympic caliber track club where he did very well in long distances and cross country. He won many ribbons and team trophies. He even went to National Junior Olympics three times for cross-country. His father and I were very proud of his accomplishments. After middle school years, he played soccer and basketball for the small private school he attended as he wanted to learn more about these sports.
In high school he also took up the guitar for his own pleasure. Although he took lessons, he was primarily self taught. He would spend hours composing one lyrical ballad after the other.
Chris had some very good friends. They liked his humor, loyalty and encyclopedic knowledge which he got from his father as well as his ability to reason with them and act as a peacemaker. He was an excellent driver and his friends always counted on him as the designated driver as he did not drink because of taking medication for attention deficit disorder. He was excellent in math, but because of his ADD had a hard time with the other subjects except history as he had learned so much from his father.
He was a very big help to me in caring for his father during his illness. Then he was very good to me when I went through cancer surgery and chemo. I miss his love, his humor and his companionship. His father and I loved him very much as did many people who still miss him.
Rest in peace, dear son. I know you are with Dad, little Amber and your grandparents. I hope you have found a guitar, a baseball card collection and some running shoes. I love you and miss you everyday.
May God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again. ---- Irish Blessing
Chris' paternal grandfather was a professional soccer player. From the age of two years, Chris showed signs of being a very good runner. At the age of nine he joined an Olympic caliber track club where he did very well in long distances and cross country. He won many ribbons and team trophies. He even went to National Junior Olympics three times for cross-country. His father and I were very proud of his accomplishments. After middle school years, he played soccer and basketball for the small private school he attended as he wanted to learn more about these sports.
In high school he also took up the guitar for his own pleasure. Although he took lessons, he was primarily self taught. He would spend hours composing one lyrical ballad after the other.
Chris had some very good friends. They liked his humor, loyalty and encyclopedic knowledge which he got from his father as well as his ability to reason with them and act as a peacemaker. He was an excellent driver and his friends always counted on him as the designated driver as he did not drink because of taking medication for attention deficit disorder. He was excellent in math, but because of his ADD had a hard time with the other subjects except history as he had learned so much from his father.
He was a very big help to me in caring for his father during his illness. Then he was very good to me when I went through cancer surgery and chemo. I miss his love, his humor and his companionship. His father and I loved him very much as did many people who still miss him.
Rest in peace, dear son. I know you are with Dad, little Amber and your grandparents. I hope you have found a guitar, a baseball card collection and some running shoes. I love you and miss you everyday.
May God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again. ---- Irish Blessing
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Finding Peace Within
You hold within your heart all that pains and torments you. You try to go on with life because you cannot rationalize these pains away. That is why it is so difficult not to become bitter, angry and hopeless.
So I am repeating the concept of creating a little room within yourself for this grief and torment. Write down all your heartaches and visualize moving these ideas or words into your little room with in your conscious mind. These torments are hard to keep from permeating your entire life. That is why it is good to pack them all up in one place within you. If you are having negative thoughts or a bad day, you can place all these in your interior room with God or your higher power.
I experimented with making my room comfortable and attractively decorated. I also put in Chris' guitars, CD collection and running shoes. Along with the comfortable furniture, I hung paintings done by husband on the walls.
When I feel like it, I meditate on this room and ask God's help to strengthen me to go on and to find truth and justice for Chris. I can leave all this in my room and then go on with living.
I know this may seem strange, but please try it. You may be surprised how much peace and courage this little room may bring you. Again, please experiment with this and let me know how it goes.
So I am repeating the concept of creating a little room within yourself for this grief and torment. Write down all your heartaches and visualize moving these ideas or words into your little room with in your conscious mind. These torments are hard to keep from permeating your entire life. That is why it is good to pack them all up in one place within you. If you are having negative thoughts or a bad day, you can place all these in your interior room with God or your higher power.
I experimented with making my room comfortable and attractively decorated. I also put in Chris' guitars, CD collection and running shoes. Along with the comfortable furniture, I hung paintings done by husband on the walls.
When I feel like it, I meditate on this room and ask God's help to strengthen me to go on and to find truth and justice for Chris. I can leave all this in my room and then go on with living.
I know this may seem strange, but please try it. You may be surprised how much peace and courage this little room may bring you. Again, please experiment with this and let me know how it goes.
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