The suicide watch is my own, unfortunately. I don't want to harm myself. My spirit to go on has left me. I am asking God to take me home. It is just so hard and painful to go on. I feel I have suffered enough. Seeing my dear stepson, Dale, become paralyzed has just been too much. As I said earlier, it brought me back to a very dark place I had not realized I would have to grapple with again. It is true the only constant in life is change.
I feel very guilty for my wish to leave my earthly life when millions of both adults and children are ill, injured, abused and starving, yet, fighting to go on. Fighting my own cancer while my husband was so ill, my son being tragically killed and then my husband dying six weeks later all within 21 months time, I am told left me with PTSD--post-traumatic stress syndrome. The inner affliction of depression has always been a part of my life since my early twenties. The two have joined forces and reared a combined ugly head in my mind and heart.
The only constant throughout my husband's long and diminishing illness and those terrible 21 months was my dear little dog, Amber. She was always an undemanding comfort to me. A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. I started to sob because I needed Amber there to comfort me. I wanted, desperately, to see her, touch her, pet her, smell her, hear her breathe and sigh. Watch her listen as I talked to her and each time wag her tail when I would stop talking. Then we would repeat the pattern. I miss her funny antics. I wanted to be with her again. I put her photo in bed with me. I know she is in heaven with Chris and Fred. I ask them all the time to take good care of her. And Chris not to tease her. They had a sibling rivalry thing.
I miss Amber so. I know if she was here, I would feel better. But she is not and here I have been miserable for several days. Pope St. John Paul II said he believed dogs have souls. I believe they do. Some people believe in channeling. That the spirit of a dog, even a child, can come back in another dog and another child. I am not sure of that. God creates each soul for a His divine purpose. I don't think He recycles them. Another child or dog can come into our lives who very much reminds us of a late child or dog. I believe that is by God's design because He knows what we need. He created human procreation and He created dogs because He cares for us.
I wish I could get another dog who would be a little like Amber. But I live in a third floor condo, where only very small dogs are allowed. I am not really attracted to tiny dogs with very big personalities and yappy barking. I have neighbors on either side and downstairs. New hubby is not really a pet person. He would have to walk Fido due to my back problems. I walk with a cane, feel unsteady and can't really exercise or walk a dog outside. So I am kind of between a rock and a hard place. I would need a small older dog. Maybe if I can find one, hubby will give in. It makes me feel better thinking about getting a dog.
Once again I will have to make the difficult choice to go on or let this unanticipated terrible event destroy me. I know, somehow with faith and courage, I walk down this difficult, dark tributary and emerge on a brighter side of my journey. Even though it doesn't feel that way now. I have professionals I can turn to for help. Please, God, help me to feel better soon. Thank you.
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley....you are still with me... " Psalm 23: 4
"...I will hold tightly to your hand, for you will keep me safe while I struggle to find joy again." From "Prayers in Times of Suffering" by Sister Joyce Rupp, OSMS
If you have feelings of wanting to harm yourself, end your life or that others would be better off without you, please call 911 or 988 immediately 24/7.
Please pray for me. Love, Rosemarie
No comments:
Post a Comment