The "new normal" is far from normal with more and more kids dying from drug overdoses, suicide, violence, mass killings and a pandemic with many versions as to origins, restrictions, treatment and prevention. It has taken a very great toll around the world. I question if we will or can ever return to a pre-pandemic society.
Those of us who have lost a child know our "new normal" is hardly normal in any way, shape or form. Every aspect of our lives has changed. Our time will be forever punctuated by the date, time and manner of our children's deaths. We most likely will always feel some level of guilt, regret, sadness, even brokenness, and fear of the future if we can even foresee a future. Nothing has prepared us for these tragic events. How could it? We find ourselves shutting off from relationships and society. Even wishing the world would just go away.
Add to that, the post-pandemic "new normal" is far from normal. Staggering numbers of kids from pre-teens on up are dying from suicide, drugs or violence. And a small number of young children and more adult children have died from Covid or possible vaccine complications.
I am concerned that the Covid pandemic has made things even worse for us as bereaved parents because of the enforced isolation. Now that the pandemic is supposed to be over, I fear the isolation is not. It has become the "new normal" not only for us as bereaved parents, but for everyone. Let me explain.
I have family of my late husband with whom I was very close. Because of significant health risks with their family members, they limit their contacts. I never see them anymore. I have family in Spain I would love to visit, but my own health risks have made me very fearful to travel so far away. I still miss my two dear friends---one who ended our friendship and the other who has moved away.
My husband and I only go to restaurants on off hours. We no longer go to movies, fearing that they, too, are a risk. Apparently a lot of other folks do, as well, because several of our nearby movies are closing. I used to go to church, but now I livestream the services because I just had a very serious back operation. Three of my lumbar vertebrae were fused. Two rods and six screws are now part of my ever increasing not so normal "normal." That leaves the four walls, the internet, the phone, books, TV, a beautiful view from my condo and of course my wonderfully devoted husband.
I am going to very honest. My post-operative recovery has been extremely painful physically which makes recovery mentally, emotionally and spiritually very challenging. This is my fourth spinal surgery---two neck and two lower back operations. I am feeling, somedays, I have kind of had it with life. I am telling you this, so you can feel it is possible to go on against nearly impossible odds. I am really down, yet here I am writing to you.
I don't want to take my life. But I have pleaded with God several times in the last week to please take me. I have told him that I have suffered enough. I just can't take anymore pain emotionally or physically. I would like to see my son, late husband, dog, parents and in-laws. Well, apparently God doesn't agree. So with His grace, I am struggling on with faith and my excellent husband. I thank God for him many times a day. I have a beautiful home and caring friends even though I don't see them.
Much has changed and not for the better. There is increased depression among pre-teens and teens along with self-mutilating. Suicide is the leading cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds! Increasing numbers of kids are unwittingly over-dosing on Fentanyl disguised in other pills or forms of candy. And for long term addiction, there are not enough treatment services available. Nor mental health services or personnel available for acute and on-going episodes. There has been increased violence everywhere and, most alarmingly, increased mass shootings and other methods of mass killings.
To those parents who have lost children by drugs, suicide or violence, I am sincerely sorry for your losses. Often, you do not get the same type of sympathy or empathy as the parents of kids who die from illness and accidents. It is called "disenfranchised grief." Somehow, maybe subconsciously, people blame the child or parent for the death of their child. As if to say, "What did you expect? Your kid was or drugs." Or, "Your kid always had problems." And, "The kid was always trouble." It is so wrong. The loss of a child is always the greatest grief to bear regardless of the manner of death.
My recommendation is, if your child died by drugs or suicide, go on the internet and look for local parent support groups specifically for death by drugs or death by suicide. Or call your local hospital social services department to find out if they have or know of any specific groups nearby. And don't forget your other kids. They will need counseling and support as well. Often, mental health centers and hospitals have support groups for kids. Please don't ignore this. As a school nurse, I came across many kids who were grieving for a lost sibling, but had no one to talk to. They don't want to talk to Mom or Dad for fear of upsetting them. I also recommend the book I noted in the next paragraph. If you cannot do this yourself, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you.
If you lost a child through a criminal act or any act of violence, I feel your pain. My son was tragically shot and killed. Perhaps like some of you, I never got any justice for him. Not the one I dealt with, but, police departments can direct you to support services. Sometimes medical examiners have support groups at their offices. A violent death is a unique kind of loss where you do not know what to say to others and they do not know what to say to you. Some medical examiners offices can brings in professionals trained to deal with your complex grief, seeking justice, personal safety and a myriad of other concerns surrounding the criminal justice system like charges, witnesses, pleas and trials. This takes a particular set of knowledge and understanding. There is help for you. Start with law enforcement, the medical examiner, the hospital social service department where your child may have been treated, and community groups often meeting in local churches. Check with your pastor. Check the internet for groups and the library or bookstores for books addressing all these issues. I can recommend a book called, "What To Do When The Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss." It was written by Bill Jenkins whose own son was shot and killed during a robbery at work. There is a forward by well known author Patricia Cornwell. No shame in asking someone to help you with all this. Spouses can do this together. It can help foster communication.
If you lost a young or adult child due to Covid, I am sincerely sorry for your very unexpected, inexplainable loss. I believe this complicated grief. So many restrictions on being with your child, whether young or old, at the hospital. Restrictions placed on funeral arrangements. Add conflicting science and recommendations, more confusing restrictions, maybe loss of employment as well. I can't imagine the anger and frustration you must feel. It compounds your grief when you don't have the answers or the explanations you want. I can understand your needing to know who was at fault here. So far a lot of finger pointing and few concrete answers. No way to know if history will repeat itself with some other kind of pandemic. God forbid. But there are evil world leaders. And other world leaders too weak to act, too ineffective and too compromised to demand answers, to plan prevention strategies or to even care.
We cannot change what has happened. I say, use your anger lean on your elected leaders at all levels. Let them know of your loss, grief and need for answers. If you don't like what you are hearing, vote with as much knowledge and understanding as you can gain. This global pandemic had many geo-poltical ramifications. We all have a responsibility to educate ourselves to protect our living children, spouses, parents, family, friends and others near and far. Vote wisely, no matter how bad you feel. Like my primary doctor told me, many years ago when my son and husband had just died, about going to counseling. He said, "I don't care how you have to drag yourself there, but you get to therapy every week!" So I am saying the same thing about voting. It is that important.
Life is hard. I just shake my head sometimes in disbelief. I have concluded, no one survives this world unscathed. I believe we only reach perfection and complete happiness when God welcomes us to heaven. "Well done my good and faithful servant." Until then, we must go on with as much faith and strength as we can manage. Pray. Pray. Pray. Study who and what remain in your life. It is not good for any of us to focus on our loss or losses entirely. Otherwise we cannot move forward. It is like having both feet stuck in chewing gum. Hard to move anywhere, much less forward.
"Save me Lord! Help me now!" Psalm 40: 13
If you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide, call the 988 Suicide Hotline or 911 to get help immediately.
Take care. I would appreciate any comments or followers. My website is www.rosemariekauppauthor.com
Thank you. Be assured of my prayers & love for you. It may seem impossible today, but you will get thru this.
Love, Rosemarie
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