Whenever I watch a crime show on TV, I think of my son. I told him not to go see this young woman he had been dating. I felt his life was in danger. But, he did not listen and went. He was shot and killed. No one was ever charged due to her father's political influence, a corrupt county solicitor and corrupt medical examiner.
So when I see these shows and the efforts some families have gone to for twenty to thirty years, I always question myself. I guess this one show seemed especially painful due to Christmas being here and having just been to the cemetery.
I told my husband how I was feeling. Chris's death was ruled a suicide. I never believed it, but those in my support circle, family and friends did. My husband was too ill for us to form a plan of action. He died six weeks after Chris. His death was a blessing. He was a very good man and never deserved to suffer as he did. Before Chis's viewing started, I sat down by his coffin. I placed my hands over his. I told Chris, "Chris your job now is to bring Dad home to heaven." Chris must have heard me because six weeks later, my late husband passed in his sleep.
I told my husband last night, that I could not stand going through a trial. Listening to the defense tell lies about Chris. A good kid who never had so much as a traffic ticket. Nor, could I bear to see any photos of his death scene. Plus, I was very fearful of the young woman's father. He is not a good man. He was formerly president of America's miners' union. A very tough and crime ridden outfit.
And at the time of Chris's death, he was mayor of a nearby large city. Powerful enough to keep all mention of my son's death out of the media. Powerful enough so when his daughter was fired from her job because of her relationship with Chris, he got her a teaching position with the school district in his city. I was both shocked and amazed by this. No other person with her record would ever have been given this second chance. She was not even state certified to teach in elementary education. Well, as is said, "It's not what you know. It's who you know."
I went on with my husband, "Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I shouldn't have let my fear stop me. His advice, "Don't torture yourself with if only's. You can't change what happened. It was not your fault. Don't go on with if only's, you cannot change things now or probably even then."
He is right, of course. I was so spent. So grief stricken. My late husband had been seriously ill for 10 years. In a nursing home for almost three years. I had recently finished chemo for breast cancer and very radical surgery. The two deaths and cancer treatment had all happened in 21 months time. I had nothing left emotionally and physically. I tried three different lawyers. None of whom were optimistic and advised me not to try and pursue getting justice for my son. Easy for them to say. Very hard for me to bear. A very bitter pill to swallow.
What got me through this was my faith in God and Divine Justice. Maybe I could not get earthly justice for Chris, but Divine Justice reigns above all. As a friend tells me often, "God sees everything." It is good for us to believe and remember this.
I am sure all of you reading this have your own sets of "if only's." Hard not to when losing a child. They remain as either small to large scabs in our hearts. Sometimes they bleed. Sometimes they are quiet. But always there.
Wounds of the heart that implant on our memories and emotions. Ask God or your Higher Power to help you cope. Help you accept. And even help you forgive. Do not let regrets destroy your life. Search and pray for a way you can help other parents. Or find a way to prevent similar deaths. Far better than letting negative thoughts swirl in our minds and consume our beings. We can pray to our children and ask them what to do.
God has let us survive our children. We must find his purpose in doing so. We can't go wrong if we fulfill God's will. I hope this holiday season, no matter which you celebrate, will bring some peace, some resolve and some purpose to all of us. God is always there.
"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God, and save me!" Psalm 69: 29
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