MY FAREWELL

 I have decided to end writing this blog. The blog will still be posted. Anyone can scroll through the various posts and read them.

I feel I have said all I can say about losing a precious child, grief and resolving to move forward. I have been with you for this journey. I always will be. My words, my empathy, my faith will still be here. Words are timeless.

My dear readers, my fellow parents, you will be forever in my heart and my mind. May God keep you all. Give you some measure of peace and strength. Nearly 29,000 of you from all over the world have done me the honor of reading my blog. I am very grateful for your interest. I hope I have helped you in some small way.

We are all in a group we never wanted or expected to be in. Yet, here we are. My son died over 26 years ago. Not one day goes by that I do not think of him with sad or happy memories. Many times both. I imagine much the same for you.

I encourage you to scroll through my posts, 137 of them, when grief visits you or remains your constant companion. May you be well. Find peace and pray for me as I will pray for you.

Love, Rosemarie

"The Lord is merciful and will not reject us forever. He may bring us sorrow, but his love for us is sure and strong. He takes no pleasure in bringing us grief or pain."  Lamentations 3: 31-33

FORGIVENESS

     I always admire parents, whose child was killed by foul play, who forgive their child's killer. Well, they are a better parent than I, because I have not been able to do this due to the persistent lies and denial. Lawyers and private investigators have told me they strongly suspect one individual in Chris' death. And it appears political influence was exerted on the medical examiner and county solicitor in failing to fully investigate my Chris' very suspicious death. 

I discussed this with my Pastor who told me "forgiveness can take a lifetime." The holy seasons of Easter and Passover are upon us which would seem the perfect time to forgive. I was inspired by Pope Francis' Easter Vigil homily in which he said that,"With the Risen Christ, the Evil One has been defeated... regardless of what evil remains in the world."

Whoever has wronged us as parents or done harm to our precious children, God has taken care of or will take care of.  A good friend of mine always says to me, "God sees everything." There is no need for revenge and hatred. Of course, there should be justice through our courts. But if that is denied, the "court of heaven" will take care of it.

It occurred to me not to chase so hard at finding forgiveness, but rather, in time with prayer, let forgiveness catch up with me.  Eventually we all, whether moral  or immoral, will face Divine Justice. So during our earthly existence we are assured we can, "Give it over to God" to judge and remedy. 

That is what I have done. Recently praying to St. Jude to intercede with God to find truth and justice for Chris. Perhaps some of you are in a similar predicament. It may help you to do as I have done even as you may pursue you child's death through the courts, civilly or criminally. 

For a long time I struggled with not forgiving myself. I blamed myself for the circumstances of Chris' death. With prayer and spiritual and clinical counseling, I managed to overcome this. But it was not easy. Forgiving oneself is the most difficult. Guilt is a cruel master.

Forgiving those close to us for some perceived wrong can be challenging. This is a good season to try to reach out and attempt to resolve issues. Again, pray on it for wisdom and charity and "Give it over to God." Someone has to be the bigger person. Let it be you. More than ever, we need the support of family and friends. Denying ourselves hurts us the most.

"The Lord rules over the deep waters; he rules as king forever. The Lord gives strength to his people and blesses them with peace."  Psalm 29: 10-11

Wishing all a blessed Passover and Easter season. May all our prayers be answered.

Love,

Rosemarie

GRIEF, SADNESS OR DEPRESSION

     Grief, sadness or depression are all associated with the loss of a child. Which are you experiencing? Can you experience them all at the same time? Yes. Or separately? Yes. But, by definition, all three are different.

Grief is a profound deep, sorrow that is experienced by a significant loss such as the death of a child.

Sadness is when one's spirits are low and there is little pleasure in doing usual fun activities. To me, sadness after the death of a child, means feelings of wistfulness when recalling happy memories of time spent with your child. Even wanting to avoid those same activities to avoid sad memories. Or feelings of regret over how you handled daily events in your child's life and wishing you had done things differently. 

Depression is a completely flattened and overwhelming loss of mental and physical vitality. Being unable to care for yourself, much less your family. Being unable to even consider returning to work. Wanting to give up. To no longer live. Thoughts of even harming yourself to end your so painful existence.

We can bounce back and forth among these three states or feel them all at the same time. I briefly bounced back and forth until I hit rock bottom at feeling I no longer had a reason to live with my both my son and husband gone. That's when I sought the help of a grief counselor. Went on antidepressants. Gave my opioid pain killers to my pastor for safe keeping to be metered out in small doses as needed.

I believe we never really get over grief. We just learn how to live with it and move forward with a smaller rock on our backs. We can stand without falling over. I still have those moments of sadness and wistfulness when going to the cemetery. Recalling happier moments with Chris. Looking at old photos. Recalling who he was as a person and dreaming of missed milestones.

I do get depressed particularly when challenged with unrelenting health problems. I start to think God has asked too much of me. I can't go on. So I continue in regular counseling and take anti-depressants.

If you are depressed to the point of wanting to harm yourself to end your life, YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP!!! CALL 988 0R 911 IN THE US OR YOUR COUNTRY'S EMERGENCY RESPONSE NUMBER OR SUICIDE PREVENTION HELPLINE. GET HELP RIGHT AWAY!!!! Tell whoever answers, you are seriously depressed and thinking of taking your own life. Ask for help right away to get to a hospital. Responders have been trained how to deal with this and get you and your situation. You will have done the right thing. Help will come. You will not be alone. 

"God bandages the wounds he makes; his hand hurts you and his hand heals.  Time after time he will save you from harm;"  JOB: 18-19

FIGHTING DESPAIR

Your child has died. You feel as if your life has ended too. What reason is there to go on? Your light has gone out. You have lost purpose and energy. This happened to me when my son, Chris, died suddenly and unexpectedly. Then my late husband, Fred, died six weeks later after a long illness. I had no one left except my little dog, Amber. She kept me going along with my faith in God.

Still, I had those desperate moments. No reason to go on, but how was I going to go on? Despair would set in. Memory lapses, confusion, no energy, terrible fatigue of mind and body. No ability to concentrate. How could they both be dead and leave me alone? Where was God? How can I be expected to go on?

One desperate night, I called Sister Dolores who ran my grief support group. She told me I must come to meetings. I must talk with other parents who had lost their children. I must share my experience, feelings, coping methods with them. Hearing each other's stories would give both me and them support.

Sister Dolores had a degree in pastoral counseling. She ran meetings with an agenda. She would go around the table and each person got to speak on each topic on her agenda. It included verses from the Bible. An emphasis on faith and that God had not abandoned us.

I mention the above because some non-professionally run support groups often let one person run with their story and no one else gets to speak. Gets to tell their story or how they are feeling. I tried running a group with another parish member who had lost her mother. When I ran the meeting, I would use an agenda similar to Sister Dolores. It worked well. But the raw emotions expressed brought me back in time to my own raw emotions and most difficult times. So I was unable to continue with the group with my co-coordinator. I was ready to attend, but not help others on the level they needed.

I made progress with individual counseling and antidepressants. Then, many years later, when I felt I had made effective progress on the grief journey, I started this blog. I wanted to help other parents who had lost their kids make their grief journey. It helped me. I hope it helps you.

There is no easy way to do this. Handling the death of your child is the most difficult task you will ever have to do. The most arduous and challenging journey you will ever have to take. But take it you must despite your all consuming despair. If you do not face despair head on, you will be miserable forever.

Get the help you need. Have two to three people you can depend on for support. A close friend or relative who can listen. Go with you to meetings and doctor's appointments. Go to church with you. Go to lunch. Invite you to dinner. Take you places like the movies or craft shows. Remember to pray for strength and peace. Go to church. If you cry when attending your own church, try another church for a while.

Despair has you staying in bed or sitting alone on the couch. Not good. You need help and limited social contact. Unless you want to become a bitter angry, isolated person who struggles to meet their most basic needs. As always, the choice is yours. Will you take the tough therapeutic road or the ineffective no action road to extended despair? You can achieve a "new normal" and lead a productive meaningful life. A life in which your fortitude will help you, your family and other parents.

....."We are in darkness now, but the Lord will give us light."  Micah 7: 8

"WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?"

"Why does God hate me?" I have asked God why he hates me in many moments of despair and anger When I lost my good son who did not deserve such a violent death and under suspicious circumstances. When my dear husband suffered from a chronic illness and died at age 57 six weeks after our son died. When I was battling breast cancer. Chemo was the worst. Plus, five breast surgeries. Through four spinal surgeries. Through recovery from the rare Stevens Johnsons Syndrome. Pain most of my adult life from atypical trigeminal neuralgia from a dental injury. Now battling fibromyalgia with days of pain and/or exhaustion. Even my Pastor said, "We have been through a lot together over the years." 

There are times when I want to give up. When I feel God is not on my side.  No doubt with the loss of your own sweet child at whatever age, from whatever cause, you have despaired with anger. You have asked God, "Why do you hate me, God? What have I done to deserve this?"

Or you have bargained with God to do better in your life. To not do this or that. To do good in order to prevent your child from dying. Then he or she died anyway. You got angry at God. Felt he hated you because despite your promises to him, your child died. Somehow his or her life was not meant to be.

Father Joseph Wolfe of EWTN Catholic television assures God knows us and loves us through our anger and despair. He knows us just as he knows every speck of sand. Even if we hate him, he waits patiently for us to return to him. To love him again. He understands our grief, our loss, our complete devastation. And that in our anger we blamed him for our child dying.

As I have said before, our children dying is part of our human condition on earth. We do not have perfection in this life. Bad things happen to even good people. God sees all. He waits for us to return in our time. Helps us to find the words to explain to him why we were angry and despaired of his love and caring. For our absence until we realize we need him again.

God often sends something or someone to help us. Do not spurn God's love and surprising good ways. God sent me a loving, supportive, good man after I had been alone for 17 years. We eventually married. Now, unexpectedly, I have a very large, loving step family. My husband has six children with numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren. I could have never predicted this. I still have longing moments of missing Chris and Fred when I am with them. I wonder who these new people are and how and why I am there. Then I snap back wistfully. We play the cards we are dealt.

Open your hearts and minds to God's love. He has been there even though you have not. See how God can help you heal. See what he can help you accomplish. You were never hated or abandoned. "Be not afraid," is the most quoted phrase in the Bible. Come back to the table of God's love. "Draw near and listen to me," are God's words according to St. Luke

"The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those who have lost all hope." Psalm 34: 18

 

THE ROAD IS LONG WITH MANY A WINDING TURN

"The road is long with many a winding turn..." comes from the song "He ain't heavy. He's my brother" written by Bob Russell and Bobby Scott and recorded by The Hollies. Those words best describes the journey we grieving parents must travel to move forward after losing our children. And yes, the road is long with many a winding turn as we carry the heavy burden of the loss of a child.

Unfortunately, there are many winding turns that can derail us while we're grieving. There is deep depression, separation and divorce,  job loss, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, pornography, domestic violence. Perhaps some of us have been around those turns. If so, get help. Fight back. 

Remember he/she "ain't heavy."  The spirits, the memories, the love of our deceased children live on in our own hearts and minds and in our own spirits. He or she is always with us. We will carry him or her for as long as we live, but they're "not heavy," they're our kids. Our kids who will always be with us in a different way. Not the way we would have chosen, but a way within us.

We, as bereaved parents, can travel this road to move forward to where the pain is not all encompassing. Let's make our kids proud. Honor their memories by not falling apart. Be strong. Do whatever it takes not to get sucked down the wrong turn. Individual grief counseling, a professionally run support group, prayer, faith, journaling, meditation, yoga, tai chi, but most of all determination to make it down the road in one piece. The choice to empower ourselves is ours.

"I am weak and poor; come to me quickly, O God. You are my savior and my Lord---hurry to my aid!" Psalm 70: 5 

Love, peace, and strength to you all, Rosemarie       

USING FAITH TO CHANNEL OUR GRIEF

Many of us are angry at God for not sparing our children's lives from an illness or serious accident, an act of violence, suicide, a miscarriage or a life threatening birth defect. We ask God, "How could you let this happen?" "Where were you God?" "Did you not hear my prayers?" "How could you not let me see my child was so troubled, in so much trouble?"

Hard as it is to accept and comprehend, God or our Higher Power is there to hear our prayers, our wailing, our cries, our suffering.  We need to tell Him we are so angry at Him and why. Get it all out. Then take some deep breaths to calm down. Take a little time. Pray and ask God how He can help us not to forsake our faith in Him. 

Try to realize He knows of our distress and wants each and everyone of us to find relief. And to find some meaning from our child's life and death. God is there with us guiding us to inspire us and to enlighten us. This will take time and faith to understand. Don't give up. Stay with me. Like I have said many times, we are not guaranteed perfection in this life.  So we must play the cards we are dealt and come up with a life plan.

In the Catholic religion it is customary to offer one's pain and suffering for a greater good. For example, when I am down about my son or in pain from my spine or fibromyalgia, I offer my suffering for the rescuing of the many children who are being sex trafficked, torn from their homes and forced into prostitution and pornography. I pray they will be found and returned to their parents and family or otherwise get the safety, care snd love they need. I pray my son Chris will get the truth and justice he deserves.

Perhaps we can all find a way to channel our pain. And a way to memorialize our children---a tree; a bench; a run; raising money for the cause of their death; raising awareness of the signs of suicide; speaking about the dangers of drunk driving and the dangers of street and internet drugs; file a lawsuit to raise awareness of product dangers; file a medical lawsuit to raise awareness of the dangers of poor medical care; join a support group and get grief counseling. 

Spread information. Save kids lives and keep other parents from going through what we have gone through. Have faith and ask God for guidance. I chose to write this blog as a way to help other parents who have gone through what I have been through. We must each find our own path to handle the pain of our children's deaths. I chose my faith in God, a support group, individual grief counseling, and writing a blog. There are many options above. We have a way to process our grief and help other parents' grief journey. Have courage.

"I am in trouble, God---listen to my prayer.  Psalm 64: 1