THE CEMETERY DURING CHRISTMAS

 Visits to our children at the cemetery are always difficult. But during Christmas and the holiday season, these visits are especially difficult. Family members are gathering from far and near, but someone is missing. The child or children we have lost are not joining in family dinners and other festivities. We may look like or pretend we are having a good time, but we do do with a wounded, aching heart.

I find for myself, I am somewhat sad and apprehensive for several days before visiting my son at the cemetery. Then, I go accompanied by my husband. We placed a holiday decorative grave blanket on just the right place in front of the headstone. I pray. I reminisce. I talk to my son and late husband. I tell them how much I miss them and bring them up to date on recent activities and plans for the holidays. I assure them they are not forgotten. I ask them to help me be strong. I tell my son I am so very sorry for what happened to him. That he had met such an evil, manipulative, deceitful young woman who cost him his life.  I apologize for not being able, not being strong enough, to go through a trial. To get justice for him. After Dad was gone, I had no one by my side.

I ask if he has made friends in heaven. If he is playing the guitar. Taking music lessons.  Even in a band. I tell him I hope he has re-connected with his grandparents and second cousins he met only briefly or not at all. I tell Chris I am glad he is safe. That we currently live in a crazy, dangerous world of many self centered people who cannot be true friends to anyone. I tell him I love him, Dad and our dog, Amber. I tell Chris to take care of Amber. To tell her I will be there someday. Not to tease her. I pray he is safe in heaven. I ask him if able, to help me win the lottery. I am trying to win a new SUV. That night, the Pick 4 number was 1976, Chris' birth year. Coincidence? Will let you know if I win the SUV.

Despite the love, the reassurances, the humor, I remain melancholic for several days. I try to focus on the positive  aspects of our "conversation." And his birth year appearing in the lottery. I like to think he heard and, more importantly, understood what I was saying. Felt my everlasting love. How I miss him. How I wonder if he could have made his living in printing, the tech course he just graduated from. If he would have found love. Had kids. Bought his own home. I hope my love came through the sorrow. I know he never meant to hurt me, his Dad and Amber who missed him faithfully until she died seven years later. We all loved Chris and he loved us. That's what matters and what I need to remember most.

"May you rest in God's hands until we meet again."  Irish Proverb

I wish everyone a spiritual and peaceful Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza. May we all be protected in God's loving hands.

Love, peace & strength, Rosemarie

"Praise the Lord, who carries our burdens day after day; He is the God who saves us." Psalm 68: 19

LOSING CHILDREN IN WARFARE CONTINUES

 Although I wrote about this topic in October 2022, the world has reached a very volatile state with more dangerous weapons and squabbles among allies. Wars now rage in both the Middle East and in Eastern Europe. Many countries are on edge. There have been deaths of entire families with young children killed or abducted. And many deaths among young adults who were hostages or members of the military. Fears of further escalation mount. 

Whether as an intended or unintended casualty of war in battle, the loss of a child is still the loss of a child. The biggest questions are: "Why did this war happen?" "How did my child die?" "Did my child suffer?" "Could my child still be alive?" "When will this fighting end?"

These casualties are heavy and unbearable worries for which, most times, there are no answers. We, as parents, can pray for an end to these wars, for the return of our children, or the return of their remains to honor them in death. Be assured the world prays with all affected parents in their grief and worry. Prays God or your Higher Power will sustain you in your loss. A just God understands your pain, loss, anger, hatred and desolation. He knows you are sleepless, not eating, crying, pacing and wondering if He sees you. He does.

A friend, always says to me, "God sees everything." Only our Higher Powers can sort through these earthly disasters to come to a solution. To hold you up in your tremendous sorrow. To point the way for a journey to strength and peace.

Write down each day what you are thinking and feeling. Don't worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation. You are not being judged on your narrative skills. Write down your memories of your child. How proud you were of him or her. Their hobbies, favorite foods, birthday parties, special personality traits, their struggles and achievements. This is their's and your special life story. Keep it in a safe place. When dark thoughts come, and they will, remember what you wrote about your child. Read over your writings for sustenance.

You are embarking on a long journey you never wanted to or thought you would take. God is always with you so you are not alone. Try to find others with the same losses. Veteran groups and the internet are some ways to find support groups. It is very important to talk with other parents going through the same grief. Pray. Pray. Pray. Fight injustices. Attend religious services and support groups. Be realistic about who and what will help you. If the front door is barred, go through the back door or a window. Justice can be elusive.

You can survive, but you can't do it alone. You need God or your Higher Power, a support or veteran's group and one good friend or family member who will listen to you and support you. Sitting alone on the sofa or refusing to leave the house will not return you to a productive, yet different, life. There is no going back. Moving forward is your only choice to complete your mission and make your child proud.

"But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, O God, and save me."  Psalm 69: 29

Blessings, peace and strength to you. Love, Rosemarie

If you have thoughts of harming yourself call your country's emergency number immediately!                    In the United States, call 911 emergency or 988 suicide hotline immediately.                  

"TAKE ME HOME"

 I recently spoke to a woman who lost two adult children. She now cares for an ill husband. She says every night before going to sleep she prays to God to "take her home." This sentiment and prayer are very familiar to me, and perhaps, many of you. As I aged and dealt with a plethora of health problems, I went through a patch where I prayed the same prayer.

I wanted to see my son, late husband and dear dog, Amber. The grief, that is alway pricking our minds, spirits and bodies, was overcoming me because of so many health challenges. Probably, many grief and stress related. I felt done. I felt I had given enough. I had no more to give. No further purpose. No more energy to go on. I just wanted the peace of their embrace and peace of mind and body.

Luckily, life intervened. I did not want to leave my husband alone without me. Then I started feeling the presence of spirits coming to me. Perhaps something similar has happened to you while awake or in a dream. Oddly enough it was my aunt, whose sone had committed suicide, who came to me. I still feel her presence. Like she is on my shoulder. 

I close my eyes and I feel many spirits. My son, another cousin, my father. I had the feeling they were holding me up. Giving me strength and energy to go on until God deigns it my time to go. Close your eyes and see who immediately comes to mind. That is who is helping you survive.

We are all in the hands of God or our higher power until He calls us home. It is not something, no matter how tempting, we are supposed to decide. I have a very good friend whose father was in his nineties. As she would fuss over him even though he was amazingly independent, he would say, "When the Man upstairs wants you, that's it."

Destiny placed us here, but God decides when it is our time to return. We can interfere with our own destiny with suicide or dangerous, risky lifestyles. But who are we to interfere with God's plan? 

We have lost our children, but God still has a plan for us. It is now our destiny to find our new purpose in life. It takes courage to stay the course. Life is neither fair nor easy for anyone. We have been dealt a heavy blow. Now it is up to us to accept this blow. To find meaning and purpose. To help other parents or kids who are struggling with the grief of losing a child or sibling.

"But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up oh God and save me."  Psalm 69 :29

Love and God's blessings on all of you, Rosemarie 

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call your country's emergency number.       In the United States call 988, suicide prevention hotline, or call 911 emergency number.

JUSTICE DELAYED IS JUSTICE DENIED

Too many parents never find justice for the lives of their children who have been murdered. A case goes cold. Or their precious bodies are never found, but presumed dead. And some of us must live with this uncertainty for 20 to 30 years or more.

It has been 25 years since my Chris was killed. His death was ruled a suicide by, IMO, a compromised medical examiner and a compromised county solicitor because the chief alleged suspect/witness was the daughter of a very well known and influential local politician. A big fish in a small pond. Too many findings at the scene and too much missing and destroyed evidence made a determination of suicide questionable and this conclusion seemingly impossible. Plus, contradictory statements from nearby neighbors as to what the chief witness/alleged suspect did that evening, particularly, the timeline of her whereabouts at the time of Chris' death.

The chief investigator as much as admitted to me he could do no more as his hands were tied by the also compromised (my words) county solicitor who would not consider a cause of death other than suicide. He added sometimes we have to wait until our final destiny to get justice. A former FBI agent, who I hired as a private investigator, told me I could exhaust all my money and all my time and energy and still not find justice for my son. People had conspired to lie and would continue to do so. Evidence had been lost, destroyed or tampered with. I got hysterical crying when he told me this. I couldn't calm down.  I am not sure how I ever managed to drive home. 

Even the state's Inspector General's Office could not help me. I am sure many of you have had similar experiences. I see the crime investigation shows on TV. Sometimes parents wait 30+ years for an answer and justice.  It comes because the family exerts continuous pressure on law enforcement or they are fortunate enough to get a dogged investigator who stayed on the case. Determined to find justice for some parents' child. God bless.

Many of us, even with community efforts, were denied justice for our murdered or missing and presumed dead children. I have said before, this is a very bitter pill to swallow. Even with a guilty verdict for the accused, parents must go through years of appeals and then parole hearings to assure justice. The convicted or accused have more rights than can be imagined. The victims and families not so much. Why is that? Why the imbalance? What seems should be self evident is filled with legal intricacies not favorable to our children whose lives have been taken.

I pray that one day, Chris will get the truth and justice he so richly deserves. Faith can move mountains. For those parents affected by similar tragedies, pray with me for truth and justice for our kids. In the end, we must all face Divine Justice. Better to go with a clear or repentant conscience. Have faith that we will be re-united with our children. We cannot let tragedy, anger and bitterness define our lives. This is very difficult, even impossible, to accept in early days. But life responsibilities and our other children and relationships have to go on.

I know the pull to sit in a dark closet and wait to die is strong. We have to reach deep within ourselves to find strength we did not even know was there. Do this. Have faith. Pray.

"The wicked plot against good people and glare at them with hate.                                                                   But the Lord laughs at wicked people, because he knows they will soon be destroyed."                                                                                                                                           Psalm 37: 12 & 13  

If you have feelings of wanting to harm or kill yourself, in the US call 988 or 911. Outside of US, call your country's emergency number or have someone take you to the nearest hospital Emergency Room.  

A CHILD'S DEATH PUNCTUATES EVERYDAY LIFE

The dates and times of our children's deaths are forever seared into our brains. For me, it has meant when the number nine or September comes up, I pause to realize that is the month of my son, Chris' birth and  death. If any number around twenty-three comes up, I calculate how many days this is is before or after Chris' last earthly birthday. If twenty-four or near there comes up, I remember Chris died on September 24th. 

It is an odd mental exercise. Perhaps some of you do this without realizing it. Perhaps it is part of PTSD which the death of our children can cause. Perhaps, it is a way of accepting or transitioning into a life without our children. An internal, subconscious clock that repeatedly punctuates our lives and  most certainly time. A means to accepting without ever forgetting.

How very unfair for us as parents to be reminded of our children's deaths by so many simple things. But, this is, unfortunately, how our lives are now. Just as I recall September 19, 1976, as the date of Chris' birth, I remember September 24, 1999 as the date of his death.

We cannot avoid these recollections, these calculations, these dates. They come into our hearts and heads because the dates of these significant events punctuate our lives into before and after. We did this or that when son or daughter was alive. We can no longer bear to do this same activity on a particular date since our sons or daughters died. 

I can't say, "Do not do this,"  because somehow, punctuating is a method of coping, of handling our lives and containing our grief. And a time of year that brings fond memories, plus anger and sadness that the happy times have been cut off by another date. We all do this. We are not alone. Nor, are we crazy.

Our punctuation points will never go away, but we need to strike a balance within ourselves depending on where we are in our grief journey. Anywhere from complete absorption in grief or several days of melancholy which pass.

I suggest daily journaling to help express grief and a way to see our progress in re-integrating life without our children. Do TaiChi, pray, yoga, massage, relaxing music, gardening. Or a new hobby like painting, pottery, making beaded jewelry, sewing, a walking club.  Whatever helps lift you up mentally and physically. None of this will bring back our children, but it will help us accept the facts as they are. To stay grounded in reality. Out of bed, avoiding self neglect, off the couch, even out of a dark closet or away from the TV screen 24/7.

Mourning a child is the worst of any pain. But the pain has to be confronted gradually to help us, as parents, move forward inch by inch to having a life again for ourselves, our spouses, our partners, our living children and for gainful employment. Life will go on around us for a period of time. Then bit by bit we find a new sense of "normalcy."  How we get there is an individual, but necessary, process for each of us. We are not okay with what has happened. Nor should our lives be defined and destroyed by the deaths of our children. This the mysterious "acceptance" I so often mention, punctuated as it is.

"But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, Oh God, and save me!"   Psalm 69: 29

P.S. My sincerest apologies for being away for so long. I am juggling several health issues and frequently in much pain. I hope you will pray for me as I do for you.

Love, peace and strength, Rosemarie

HOMICIDE: ROLLING BACK THE STONES OF ANGER, PAIN, DESPAIR, GUILT

 Losing a child by homicide is a cataclysmic event. Our worlds stop with disbelief, confusion, horror and denial. Then comes the anger, despair and guilt. Why wasn't I there to protect my child? How could this happen to us? This happens to other people on the news. My son or daughter was so good.

There are few if any answers which gives rise to more frustration. Add the realization that dealing with the criminal justice system is very confusing and very slow.  Years can go by with no arrest and no trial. Then you learn of all the rights and defense a possible murderer has. You wonder where are the rights of my murdered child? Finally facing the "alleged" criminal in a courtroom seems terrifying. Missing your child, anger, despair, guilt are the holes lying in your heart like stones.

We recently celebrated the Easter holiday where Christians celebrate the Resurrection of Christ. The huge, round finely ground stone was rolled back from His tomb. Christ emerged in a powerful light to complete His redemption of mankind.

I was inspired to write this blog from the words Pope Francis said in his homily at the Easter vigil mass. He encouraged the faithful, like Christ, to roll back their own stones of anger, hatred, despair, guilt, revenge that lie deep in our hearts. That struck a cord with me.

I could see in my mind the rolled back stone and Christ, bathed in Light, emerging from the tomb. I took comfort in that. I challenged myself to examine my own heart and see what stones were weighing me down when it came to the death of my son. Perhaps you can visualize this for yourselves. Look deep into your heart and see the stones that remain. Heavy burdens for you to carry.

Perhaps you can relate. I have anger that my son, Chris, never received any justice. Anger that he did not listen to me when I told him not to go see this girl because, intuitively, I felt his life was in danger. He did not listen and was killed. I have guilt that I was not there to prevent this outcome. I have shame that I wasn't a good enough, an attentive enough mother. I feel shame that I neglected to raise him with the same strong faith I have. Now is the time for you and me, with Jesus' help or your Higher Power, to roll all our stones back.

Picture pushing your stones out of your heart and letting them roll down a hill. Then look up. Picture the Light of Christ or you Higher Power receiving your child protectively for eternal life. Our children are bathed in the Light of salvation, forgiveness, and love.

They are safe now in the care of the angels. No more pain, no more illness, no more drugs or alcohol, no more bullying, no more depression, no more self harm, no more anorexia, no more accidents, no more gambling, no more brutality, no more betrayals. That is all gone. Our children are with family who have gone before us and maybe even a beloved pet who left this earth.  Your stones can safely roll away into another dimension. They will always be there. But further away. Further from causing us pain. Held down at the bottom of a hill. We can come into our own Light of love, peace, strength. Picture yourself in your own Light.

When God determines that out time on earth is at an end, we will see our children again. We will all be comforted together in the Light. The Light of Redemption and eternal life are the messages of Easter. Practice letting your stones roll away with some deep breaths and gentle stretching if you are able.

Bathe yourself in the Light. And pray: "May God hold you in His Hands until we meet again."

All the blessings that our various religious holidays bring. Love, Rosemarie

SUICIDE SORROWS ARE EPIDEMIC

A veil of sadness, loss of purpose and loss of self-worth have descended upon the world. This is causing a rise in severe depression resulting in suicide especially in young people. In the United States the chief cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds is suicide. This is shocking and alarming. Kids whose lives have barely started, are giving up on life.

I noticed I had numerous readers from Singapore. I do not know any readers identity, but this program allows me to see the number of readers from different countries around the world. I was curious to learn why my blog would have so much appeal in Singapore. I learned that suicide is also very prevalent in Singapore, particularly in ages 15 to 39.  Astounding, as well, that persons about to embark on life or in the prime of life are killing themselves. The rate of suicide is up 24% since WWII according to author and Pastor Max Lucado in a recent podcast interview.

I believe these deaths bring unique and added sorrows for the parents in any culture who lose a child through suicide. First of all, why, why, why did this happen? I partly understand the disbelief and confusion that surrounds the parents of children who commit suicide. My son made three suicide attempts with his prescription medications for attention deficit disorder and depression.

We blame ourselves. How Did this happen? How could I not see it? I should have known. What did I do wrong? Why didn't he/she come to me for help? Did anybody know? Are they sure it was suicide? These questions race around parents' heads endlessly. They beg for answers.

If that isn't bad enough, people, even family members, tend not to be as empathetic toward child suicides as for kids dying from accidents, foul play or disease. Almost like they are thinking, "Well, the kid had problems. This is no surprise." It's called disenfranchised grief. So feeling this is not in any parents' imaginations.

Where to start? What to do? Who can help me? I know I need help, but where should I go? The best thing to do is find a grief therapist. One who has experience with suicide deaths. Ask your personal physician for a reference. Call the social work department of your nearest large hospital. Go online. So much medical care today is virtual. Also, if you have other children, they should be in therapy. They may act as if they are all right, but believe me, they are not. 

Then look for a parents' bereavement support group for parents who have lost a child to suicide. Go online to find a group nearest to you. It may mean you will have to try more than one group until one "fits" If lacking the stamina, mental clarity or ability to search out any of the above, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you. Even take you or accompany you if you are a single parent.

Strange as this may sound, medical examiners' offices often have support groups and lists of accredited  therapists. Just call and ask if they can help or know someone or a group that can help. Please do these two things--therapy and support. Sitting alone at home is not going to get you  through this. The grief journey, difficult as it is, is a pro-active process. 

Lack of energy, fatigue and forgetfulness are all a part of grief. Don't be hard on yourself, if these symptoms are problematic. Whether you choose to take medications for anxiety, depression or sleep is a conversation you need to have with your physician and therapist.

Your child's suicide was symptomatic of the fractured world we live in. School bullying, fears of being shot in school, harmful types of social media, gender confusion, violent lyrics of some musical entertainment, violent video games and over-sexualized TV and streaming. All these portray a harmful and confusing world that is unachievable. Fiction is presented as reality.  

Kids today live much of their lives online. It seems to make them ill equipped to want to talk to each other. Know how to relate to each other and to you face to face. The real world is colliding with the online world with very bad results, especially depression and alienation from home and family. There are dark forces online luring kids into a dangerous and disenfranchising cult like worlds. Some groups try to take the place of family. They, promote running away and leaving school for a life of drugs and crime. There are all kinds of predators misrepresenting themselves online.

Unfortunately, few grounding foundations remain for kids to rely on, or feel self esteem, or see a possible role in the world for themselves. And finally, to avoid danger and indoctrination. There seems to be no good or evil. anymore. No right or wrong in this world of relativism. Religious studies and church attendance have plummeted. The Ten Commandments are scorned along with the "golden rule"and the patriotism. Kids can have so many activities, there is never time for family dinners. Love of family, the Pledge of Allegiance, the National anthem, pride in school achievement, love of family values, love of country and love of God or a Higher Power are scoffed at and derided in this "modern" age. There are dangerous indoctrinations taking place at all levels of education. Anxiety lurks with news of wars and terrorism. Children hear much more hatred and fear than kindness and hope through harmful ideologies.

Adult children can have addictions, debt, marriage and relationship troubles and employment difficulties.  Because they are adults, it is difficult for parents to intervene, to get information, to give advice or insist on any relevant treatment. Parents cannot control the actions of an adult child.

I say all this because many parents are blaming themselves for their children's suicides, when they were not to blame at all.You and your child have been facing insurmountable goals in an increasingly hostile world. Any child can fall prey to negative forces. Raising kids during this period in history has become a Herculean task. Trying to guide an adult child can be just as challenging.

Parents, be good to yourselves. Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally. Though this may seem like a great effort, it is a place to start. You will hear words such as closure, moving on and getting over it. These are not applicable to losing a child which is like a book with unfinished chapters and unanswered questions. 

Couples be kind to each other. Women and men grieve differently. Women grieve more outwardly. While men seem to hold things in. Men think they must support their wives or female partners. Women think their male partners are not grieving. While men may feel their wives or partners are overly emotional. This places a great stress on a relationship and is a good reason to be in therapy. The rate of divorce and separation after the death of a child is high. Don't let this happen to you. You need each other now more than ever

Make sure your other children are in positive environments that align with your values. Limit their screen time on all devices. Use as many parental controls as are available. Get involved in suicide prevention efforts. Helping others will help you.

You cannot change what has happened. You must eventually accept you have been dealt a very heavy blow hard to  get out from under. A hole will always remain in your heart. Questions in your mind. Helping other parents to not experience what you have, will help you move forward. Forward to pray, to hope, to ask your child to help you and to watch over you.  To memorialize your child's life in a manner of your choosing. 

There is a choice when your child dies. To let it destroy you or to go on for yourself and for who and what remain in your life. You can still have a productive life. Not the same life, but a life where you can extend a hand to others and find unexpected strength.

To quote Max Lucado, "Rather than despair, do the next decent thing." And, "God never gives up on you."

"But I am in pain and despair. Lift me up, O God, and save me!   Psalm 69 :29

If you or someone you know has thoughts of harming or killing themselves call 988 or 911 immediately in the United States.

In Singapore, call 24/7 Hotline at 1767 or 955 for someone in immediate danger.

I apologize to my faithful readers for not being there for you for an extended period of time. I have been in much physical pain from medical complications following my back surgery. You are always on my mind and with me. Please pray for me that my pain will be relieved and I will pray for you as always.

Love, Rosemarie