A Path to Forgiveness

                 "A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but anger is heavier than them both."
                                                                              Book of Proverbs, Chapter 27

     The loss of your child usually causes feelings of anger towards yourself, others or even your child. So begins the process of forgiveness in order to resolve this anger. Speaking from personal experience, the hardest of all is to forgive yourself. 

      Let me start by going to my favorite resource, Kathleen O'Hara in "A Grief Like no Other," and telling you what forgiveness does not mean. She says what is does not mean is reconciliation with an individual(s) or condoning an action or event or forgetting what happened or pardoning what was done. She goes on to say what forgiveness does mean is finding ways of living with an event so it will not destroy you.

     I can give you some examples. Suppose you feel as I did and Kathleen O'Hara did that she should have been a better parent. Or you feel you should have recognized your child's illness sooner or done a better job of protecting him or her. You can do as I did and write a letter to your child and state your heartfelt feelings. This is what I did and buried the letter at the cemetery along with my feelings in order to forgive myself. Kathleen O'Hara says she went to the cemetery and and spoke to her son and asked his forgiveness and she left it there. Perhaps with some thought, you can come up with a similar way fo making peace and amends with your child even in your child's room or at a memorial for your child.

    Suppose you have a sticky problem of having to forgive your child because your child died doing something you did not approve of which caused you additional heartache and anger. Well, I've got you covered. I had told my son, Chris, not to go back to a certain city far from our home to see a young woman he had broken up with because I felt his life was in danger. He didn't listen. He went back one day while I was at work. I couldn't get in touch with him when I got home that evening. He was killed later that night.

     I admit I was angry at Chris for not listening to me and leaving me. His father died six weeks after Chris died. I was beside myself. It was a full 18 months later when a friend told me about a Catholic radio show. I called in and told the priest what happened and how I was having a hard time forgiving my son for not listening to me. He said he would pray for me and my son. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from me when I publicly acknowledged my burden.  I knew someone finally understood. I knew God understood and someone would be praying for me. I learned later it is called giving public testimony much like 12 step programs or support groups. A solution can be as simple as a sympathetic ear or more sophisticated as in professional counseling. The important thing is to open up.

     Perhaps you are angry at medical personnel, the justice system or a criminal perpetrator. As I alluded to above, the key is to find a solution you can live with and not to stew in silence.  Whether you take private legal action, channel your energies into a cause, find a support group or victim assistance network such as NOVA or Compassionate Friends or MADD.  I know there are support groups through medical examiner's and coroner's offices. Often district attorneys and detectives assigned to criminal cases can put you in touch with support groups. You have to take some action for your child's sake and your sake to find that path to forgiveness and discharge your anger.

     Paths to forgiveness are different lengths and different routes, but nonetheless necessary to travel so we are not destroyed by tears of bitterness. We all came to be here by one common, fateful denominator. One thing I am confident of is that our children want us to go on with some measure of peace in our hearts. May God grant us that one thing.