Closure and Other Grief Myths

     Closure, a time table for grief and a proper way to grieve are all society's preconceived notions about grief. All of which you discover are very wrong when you lose someone close to you, especially your child. As I quoted William Shakespeare last week, "Everyone can master grief, but he who has it."

     Let's look at our first topic, closure. If your child died as a result of a criminal act, perhaps there can be closure to the crime if the crime is solved and the perpetrator is charged and punished. But closure to his or her death, I do not believe so.

     I believe closure was a concept thought of by a psychologist who had never lost anyone close to them. Any death leaves unwritten chapters of a book, even more so that of a child. You just can't ever close that book and end it. Too many unwritten chapters about developmental milestones, graduations, dating, marriage, career and their own children. Robbed of all this and you as participant in it and witness to it. Closure? I don't think so. It does not exist.

     Now, next a time table for grief. I had a woman ask me after I had lost both my son and husband within six weeks of each other, "Well, it's been a year. You're over all that by now, aren't you?" I think she saw by the the shocked look on my face as I sputtered out, "It's a lot to get over in a year," she had obviously said the wrong thing.

     But one year seems to be society's expectation for you to get over your grief. When actually for a spouse, it is more like seven years and for a child, it is more like never even though you can find ways of coping with your grief. Your grief will not always be with you in the numbing and paralyzing initial way it is when your child first died, but you will always carry some grief in your heart as you will always carry your child in your heart. I am suggesting the following of my previous blogs as ways of suggesting coping with grief:

     My Twelve Steps to Tackle Grief
     Letting Go of Shadows
     A Secret Life
     Getting Through Tough Times

     Finally, society wants to force expectations on ways to grieve as well. A big one is to not talk about your child as it is too "upsetting." For whom? I would say find sympathetic ears where you can share memories or the circumstances of your child's death. You need to vent, possibly in a support group. There are specific support groups as well that deal with death by drugs or suicide or homicide or mental illness.  As well as MADD for death brought about by drunk driving. It is important to connect with people who have had experiences similar to yours so you do not feel isolated. Wherever possible, I would recommend choosing a support group with a professionally trained leader. If groups don't work for you then, consider professional counseling. This is not a journey you can go alone.

     Other expectations revolve around anger and forgiveness. You should or shouldn't be angry. You should or shouldn't forgive. Anger is a normal reaction to the loss of a child. You can experience it in many ways and for several reasons. I deal with this in two previous blogs which you may find helpful to read:

     Anger and Forgiveness
     A Path to Forgiveness

     Also, it is important not to turn to addictions to food, alcohol, drugs or sex. These are not healthy coping mechanisms. While they may help you forget, They will not move you forward or help you heal or maintain other healthy relationships.

     These are three of society's expectations. But what matters is what you expect of yourself. Don't measure yourself by others or by society. Be good to yourself. Don't isolate yourself. Peace and God bless.