Funerals honor the living as well as the dead. I came to this realization clearly today when for some reason I started thinking about my son Chris' funeral. I remembered who was there, but more than that I was hurt as I remembered who was not there.
This reminded of the words of Sister Dolores, a pastoral care nun, in my bereavement support group long ago. Sister Dolores stated it does not matter how many flowers, cards or memorials you send. What families remember most is your presence. .whether or not you come to services to express you condolences personally. Perhaps you had a similar experience or feelings to mine with your child's funeral.
I know I don't remember everyone who was at Chris' funeral, but I remember past friends and classmates, former teachers, old neighbors, moms who car pooled, co-workers of mine who did not attend either viewing or the funeral mass. The first viewing was on a Sunday evening.
Some I knew had to do with work and attending the funeral itself during working hours. Schools wouldn't pay to cover employees for substitutes for personal or funeral time. Others I am left to wonder why. Maybe they, "couldn't handle it." I am glad no one gave this excuse to me as I am not sure what my response would be. Good question maybe for "Dear Abby."
Funerals are not easy for anyone most especially a parent numb with grief burying a child. After the experience of losing my son and husband, I cannot go to a visitation or funeral service by myself. I need to go with someone else for moral support.
I recognize though it is necessary to go to acknowledge to the bereaved family their love and respect for their beloved deceased even if I didn't know the person that well or had lost touch. Or if it was someone for whom I had affection, to show my own love and respect along with the family for the dear person who has died. Does it bring back memories? Yes
I would say if you buried your son or daughter recently, it is probably too soon to go to another funeral unless you absolutely feel you must for a very close family member or friend. Otherwise, use your own judgement to determine the situation and your readiness. Go with someone and keep it of short duration. And by all means, if a professional counselor advises against going, do not go.
As for me and my feelings of disappointment towards the people I didn't see at Chris' funeral, maybe it is part of the grieving process. I came across an interesting quote just yesterday:
"Everyone can master grief, but he who has it."
William Shakespeare
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