STAGES OF GRIEF

The grief in our hearts over the loss of our children, never goes away or "closes." However, this same grief can evolve through a series of steps from "denial to acceptance that we can learn to live with. "

I was motivated to research these steps by the very famous Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross writing about the steps of death and dying. I came across the writings of Regina Rosell, PysD, who describes the five stages of grief. Much which I write here is from Dr. Rosell's writings and explanations. She describes the five stages of grief as:

1. Denial

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Let's take them one by one. We'll each try to see where we are along this spectrum and what we can do to help ourselves.

DENIAL:  We have difficulty comprehending the reality of our loss. I remember I kept asking how this could happen??? How my beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, smart boy could be dead??? He was alive just yesterday. He left me a note he had fed the dog and let her out. I assumed he went out with his friends or to visit nearby cousins. I had no idea he was taking a six hour ride across the state to see the young woman he had broken up with. The one I told him not to go see as I felt his life was in danger. Had I been right? Well, now he was gone. How could this happen???? I didn't know how I could tell my poor, sick debilitated and dying husband.

ANGER: We direct anger at other things and other people, at ourselves and at medical personnel. I couldn't stop blaming the young woman Chris had been involved with and her father. And myself for not realizing in our last phone call how much he was distressed. I said over and over, "That horrible whore!!!" What had she done to my son? What role did her father play with his political connections as Mayor. I know he was behind this. I was sure he sent one of his police officers to the daughter's house to scare Chris away from his daughter. I kept picturing a man in a brown uniform struggling with Chris. Something went horribly wrong. Chris was shot and now he was dead. I called her. I called the school where she taught. I left messages with not the nicest language. Her father had covered everything up, even the media. Liars all of them. Even the hospital who never called me.

BARGAINING:  We try to make "deals" with our deceased children, ourselves and God to reverse the course of events or bring about a certain outcome. About two weeks after his death, I prayed to Chris to come back. My pain and his father's was so bad. I told him to go God and ask Him to raise him from the dead as He had done with Lazarus. I told Chris this over and over. My pastor had to tell me this was unlikely to happen.

DEPRESSION:  Pervasive sadness, inability to eat or sleep, loss of concentration, can't make decisions, feeling physically unwell are typical with grief. But, all of which can progress to clinical depression. I felt I had failed terribly as a mother. I thought the whole world knew I failed to protect my child, God's greatest gift. I felt there was a scarlet letter "F" on my back so the whole world knew I was a "failure" as a parent. My sadness progressed to clinical depression when my husband died six weeks after Chris. Even though I had told Chris, at his funeral, his job was to bring Dad home.                                                          I had been in therapy, but now I was hopeless. I thought with Chris and my husband both gone, I had no reason to live. No reason to go on. I felt unsafe with my medications. My psychologist arranged for my pastor to keep my meds and dispense them to me in small quantities. I found a wonderful spiritually based grief support group run by a Catholic nun. She was wonderful. If you feel hopeless or think you need help or support get in a grief support group or with private grief therapist. Have a primary care physician, a close friend or relative or community mental health center help you find the appropriate care. 

ACCEPTANCE:  Our sadness remains, but we learn to live with it. Somehow, early on, I realized that I could go on or let the losses of my son and husband destroy me. I decided to choose life. I also knew from being a nurse, no one wants to be around an angry, bitter person. So I put on a brave face. It took a long time until the smile on my mouth actually reached my eyes. So with steps forward and backward, I finally reached an ability to move forward very slowly. I evolved. My grief evolved. I learned to live with grief. 

Depending on how grief moves or does not move forward with evolution, Grief can be Uncomplicated or Complicated.

Uncomplicated means the devastation we feel lightens a little over a two year period. I was able to function, not at 100%, but enough to get by. In the words of Dr. Rosell, "grief softens."

Complicated grief is a different. It extends for a long period of time. It is debilitating, intense, prolonged and preventing the return to a somewhat normal life. In the words of Dr Rosell, "If you feel you are suffering, go talk to someone." A professional therapist or group where grief can be "talked about, shared and witnessed." Loss produces grief and grief is the "normal and natural response" to a significant loss, especially a child.

Grief is not easy so say the least. Recognizing the stages may give us reassurance that we are not crazy and not forever damned in acute sorrow. The grief journey is "a web" that through its evolution can bring relief to our hearts, minds and spirits. "Don't ignore or stifle feelings." But it is still possible to get really down.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, in the United States call 988 or 911 immediately.  In many other countries, text HOME to 741741 immediately.

"God is our shelter and our strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken, and the mountains fall into the ocean depths; even if the seas roar and rage, and the hills are shaken by the violence.  Psalm 46: 1-3