STAGES OF GRIEF

The grief in our hearts over the loss of our children, never goes away or "closes." However, this same grief can evolve through a series of steps from "denial to acceptance that we can learn to live with. "

I was motivated to research these steps by the very famous Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross writing about the steps of death and dying. I came across the writings of Regina Rosell, PysD, who describes the five stages of grief. Much which I write here is from Dr. Rosell's writings and explanations. She describes the five stages of grief as:

1. Denial

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Let's take them one by one. We'll each try to see where we are along this spectrum and what we can do to help ourselves.

DENIAL:  We have difficulty comprehending the reality of our loss. I remember I kept asking how this could happen??? How my beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, smart boy could be dead??? He was alive just yesterday. He left me a note he had fed the dog and let her out. I assumed he went out with his friends or to visit nearby cousins. I had no idea he was taking a six hour ride across the state to see the young woman he had broken up with. The one I told him not to go see as I felt his life was in danger. Had I been right? Well, now he was gone. How could this happen???? I didn't know how I could tell my poor, sick debilitated and dying husband.

ANGER: We direct anger at other things and other people, at ourselves and at medical personnel. I couldn't stop blaming the young woman Chris had been involved with and her father. And myself for not realizing in our last phone call how much he was distressed. I said over and over, "That horrible whore!!!" What had she done to my son? What role did her father play with his political connections as Mayor. I know he was behind this. I was sure he sent one of his police officers to the daughter's house to scare Chris away from his daughter. I kept picturing a man in a brown uniform struggling with Chris. Something went horribly wrong. Chris was shot and now he was dead. I called her. I called the school where she taught. I left messages with not the nicest language. Her father had covered everything up, even the media. Liars all of them. Even the hospital who never called me.

BARGAINING:  We try to make "deals" with our deceased children, ourselves and God to reverse the course of events or bring about a certain outcome. About two weeks after his death, I prayed to Chris to come back. My pain and his father's was so bad. I told him to go God and ask Him to raise him from the dead as He had done with Lazarus. I told Chris this over and over. My pastor had to tell me this was unlikely to happen.

DEPRESSION:  Pervasive sadness, inability to eat or sleep, loss of concentration, can't make decisions, feeling physically unwell are typical with grief. But, all of which can progress to clinical depression. I felt I had failed terribly as a mother. I thought the whole world knew I failed to protect my child, God's greatest gift. I felt there was a scarlet letter "F" on my back so the whole world knew I was a "failure" as a parent. My sadness progressed to clinical depression when my husband died six weeks after Chris. Even though I had told Chris, at his funeral, his job was to bring Dad home.                                                          I had been in therapy, but now I was hopeless. I thought with Chris and my husband both gone, I had no reason to live. No reason to go on. I felt unsafe with my medications. My psychologist arranged for my pastor to keep my meds and dispense them to me in small quantities. I found a wonderful spiritually based grief support group run by a Catholic nun. She was wonderful. If you feel hopeless or think you need help or support get in a grief support group or with private grief therapist. Have a primary care physician, a close friend or relative or community mental health center help you find the appropriate care. 

ACCEPTANCE:  Our sadness remains, but we learn to live with it. Somehow, early on, I realized that I could go on or let the losses of my son and husband destroy me. I decided to choose life. I also knew from being a nurse, no one wants to be around an angry, bitter person. So I put on a brave face. It took a long time until the smile on my mouth actually reached my eyes. So with steps forward and backward, I finally reached an ability to move forward very slowly. I evolved. My grief evolved. I learned to live with grief. 

Depending on how grief moves or does not move forward with evolution, Grief can be Uncomplicated or Complicated.

Uncomplicated means the devastation we feel lightens a little over a two year period. I was able to function, not at 100%, but enough to get by. In the words of Dr. Rosell, "grief softens."

Complicated grief is a different. It extends for a long period of time. It is debilitating, intense, prolonged and preventing the return to a somewhat normal life. In the words of Dr Rosell, "If you feel you are suffering, go talk to someone." A professional therapist or group where grief can be "talked about, shared and witnessed." Loss produces grief and grief is the "normal and natural response" to a significant loss, especially a child.

Grief is not easy so say the least. Recognizing the stages may give us reassurance that we are not crazy and not forever damned in acute sorrow. The grief journey is "a web" that through its evolution can bring relief to our hearts, minds and spirits. "Don't ignore or stifle feelings." But it is still possible to get really down.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, in the United States call 988 or 911 immediately.  In many other countries, text HOME to 741741 immediately.

"God is our shelter and our strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken, and the mountains fall into the ocean depths; even if the seas roar and rage, and the hills are shaken by the violence.  Psalm 46: 1-3

                                      

      

CHASING RESILIENCE

Our children died. We are still here. That is resilience. It's not recognized 24/7, but it is there under layers of tears, sorrows, loneliness, anger, denial, doubt, guilt and depression. If we get out of bed, take a shower, make a meal, make a call, exercise, meditate, go to work, do an activity with our living children, that is resilience. 

All of the above shows we have not given up. There is a little spark in us that remains, but we may not acknowledge it. Nevertheless, it is there. We can move forward. With each small thing we manage to do, the flame lights bigger and brighter. We could see ourselves with a small lit candle inside us. Let the small light shine and guide us. Encourage us. Nurture us. It is a sign of life within us. Life allowed by our resilience.

As much as our brains may tell us, "Give up," there remains in us the light of resilience. Chase it. Keep it. Don't give in to giving up. We can navigate this toughest of journeys---grief for the loss of our children. Trust in resilience.

Psalm 46:  1 "God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help us in times of trouble.                           2  So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and mountains fall into the ocean depths;  3  Even if the seas roar and rage, and the hills are shaken by the violence."

Love, peace and strength to you all, Rosemarie

P.S. Thank you to my new readers from all over the world. I appreciate your interest and support. I hope and pray my blog has helped you in the losses of your children.

 

FINDING PEACEFULNESS

Watch or imagine gentle snow falling. There is something peaceful about watching snow fall when it is not a blizzard. With a large portion of the United States predicted to get blanketed in snow, I urge you take some time to watch the flakes fall. Listen to some soft or religious music and have a glass of wine.

Put blizzards, traffic snarls, super market lines, shoveling, plowing and frigid temperatures out of your mind. Sit back. Remember each snowflake has its own individual design. Extend your coat sleeve and catch a few flakes. You will see what I mean. A true miracle of nature.

I like to think of the snowflakes as coming down from heaven with messages to us from our deceased children. Messages of love, memories, peace, beauty. Silent greetings. Sit quietly to feel the spirit of your child. Perhaps a message will come. Perhaps acceptance and new realizations. But most of all, feeling our children are all right. In the care of loving angels who know each one of us as parents. Angels who know what we need to know. Know how we feel. Sending us peace strength, courage and hope. But, we must take time to listen. To feel.

Watch the snow fall today. Know that it is so much more than a weather event. So much more than a sidewalk to shovel. A driveway to plow. Each flake is God's message to us that He holds our children in His hands until we meet again. Be still, watch and feel.

"Because you have always been my help."  Psalm 63: 7  

DEATH NOTIFICATION

Will any of us ever forget the moment we found out our children had died. Whether the police came to our homes, the doctor in the emergency room gave us the horrifying news, we were at our child's bedside, or a military chaplain came to deliver unspeakable news, the moment is etched in our hearts and minds forever.

I was home. Up late, 1:00 am, and watching tv with my dog, Amber. The doorbell rang. Amber woke up and looked up from her bed. I looked at her and said, "Who could that be? Chrissie must have forgotten his key." The moment is etched in my mind forever. As I am sure it is for all of us.

I went to the door. To my surprise, two police officers were standing there along with my next door neighbor. They asked to come in. For some reason, Amber was unusually quiet and not barking as I complied with their request to and let them in.

The officer, a sergeant, got right to the point. He said they were there about my son, Chris. I became alarmed. I said, "He must have been in a bad accident for you to be here. Can you take me to him?"

The sergeant responded. "No, M'am. Your son is dead. He shot himself. He was in Richland Township, PA." I had to sit down. I responded, "Oh no. That's not possible. He has dyslexia. He couldn't load a gun. He would shoot himself in the foot."

The officer continued. "Apparently he took his own life. He shot himself in the chest." I responded, "Oh no! He wouldn't do that. He was going through some things, but he promised me he would not take his own life. He was depressed because he was breaking up with a young woman. But he promised me he would not harm himself."

The sergeant asked to use my phone. He called the medical examiner for for Richland Township PA. He gave me the phone. The medical examiner spoke with me. He said he ruled Chris' death a "suicide." He cautioned me that I should not blame myself and I should try my best to "get over it," He was an elderly man by the sound of his voice. I thought to myself, "What kind of crazy old coot is this? Just like that he ruled his death a suicide." I was immediately suspicious of this young woman's father's strong political influence. He was Mayor of a neighboring large city, a former coal miners union official who brought jobs and industry to the city after the coal mines closed. He was revered in that area of the state and very influential. The police called my priest and my late husband's cousins. They came. So far I had not fallen apart. I had too many questions.

As the days unfolded, many things came to light especially after the medical examiner burned Chris' clothes without permission of the police. The funeral director told me Chris had a bump on top of his head. That Chris had already been embalmed which I had not given permission for. No further forensic exam could be done. Hmm. 

I spoke a few days later to the detective assigned to Chris' case. He told me two rounds were fired from the gun. Only one entered Chris' chest and there was no exit wound. The other bullet and shell casings were not found at the scene. The young woman said she barely knew Chris. She had lent him some money and he had come to her home to pay her back. 

She was an instructor at the state vo-tech school Chris was attending to learn the printing trade because he had a learning disability. He took Ritalin for ADD. Every student in the school was considered as having a disability. So fraternizing between students and faculty members was strictly forbidden. It was cause for dismissal. She knew she was in trouble, and more importantly, so did her father. None of this incident was good for him politically so he kept the whole incident out of the press, broadcast media and off the internet. Like I said very influential.

He is 83 years old now. Retired to Florida. The medical examiner is long gone. I hope they rot in hell along with the county solicitor. He blocked the local police from any further investigation by refusing to consider any other cause of death other than suicide. Even though I had given the detective copies of all the love notes, cards and letters she had given Chris. 

I was six hours away. My late husband's family believed Chris committed suicide. This included his cousin, our lawyer. He was concerned if I went after this young woman, she could sue me for defamation. My aching head. On top of all this, my husband was terminally ill and in a nursing home. With the help of his sister and my niece, we broke the news to him. He reacted better than I thought. Still, I was concerned.

After the funeral service and burial, he asked me to take him to the cemetery. I did. Because he asked, I told him where Chris was buried. Where I would be buried and he would be buried. I knew then, it would not be long. I had a sense he had come to peace with the inevitability of his own death and at peace with Chris' death. I told Chris, as I held his hand prior to the viewing, his job was to bring Dad home and he did. Six weeks after Chris died, my late husband, Fred died. And there I was alone with my dog.

I consulted lawyers, private investigators with no luck in pursuing the truth of what really happened with Chris. He has never gotten justice. I still have faith that in exchange for a legal favor someone will some day come forward to the police with the truth about Chris' death. I think he was shot by a police officer her father sent to the daughter's house in order to shake things up. So a break-up with this young woman would happen. I think she and her father set a trap for Chris, but things went horribly wrong.

I am sure all of you have an equally heartbreaking experience surrounding the death of your child. Like me, every detail will forever remain with you. Chris died in 1999. Here it is 2025 and I remember it clear as yesterday all those years ago. And that is okay. I have happy memories that remain with me as well. I pray for peace and strength for all of us.

"Leave your troubles with the Lord, and He will defend you."  Psalm 55: 22

Please follow me on facebook and X (twitter.) Go to www.rosemariekauppauthor.com to connect to the links. Thank you. God bless.

Love, Rosemarie

THE TERROR OF TERRORISM

As the bible says, "We know not the day nor the hour..."  I feel that way about brutal acts of terrorism. Where are we and our children safe? Certainly not at outdoor events in large cities. Unfortunately, there are fourteen sets of parents who can attest to that. And a set of sixteen more parents and families who wait bedside as their children receive moderate to intensive care. Outcomes tragically uncertain.

Why is there so much hatred and fanaticism in the world? Why is it so easy to make bombs and IED's in order to cost the maximum number of lives and maim so many others? Why are illegal weapons and illegal drugs so readily available? Terror attacks are hardly the way to convert people to an ideology. Terrorism creates more hatred, not conversions. Do terrorists really believe they can convert the masses to their ideology and kill all those who refuse to convert to their radicalism? And thus rule the world. 

This is very disturbed thinking for a group, who now due to poor political decisions, has the ability to make nuclear weapons and billions of dollars to get whatever weaponry they desire. I hope and pray we will see some turn around in these capabilities with a new United States administration in 2025. I pray for change and safety for all our children and us as parents.

I also hope we will see significant changes in the ability to have long term care for the truly chronically and dangerously mentally ill. Instead of continued inpatient care, many of the mentally ill live on the streets where the public is subject to their dangerous delusions and hallucinations. Go to any news site and read the horror stories of innocent victims falling prey to a dangerously mentally ill person's violence. This problem needs drastic and immediate solutions.

Finally, the gangs of teens who get illegal weapons and shoot up entire neighborhoods in pursuit of some rival teen. Again innocent victims fall prey to this gunfire. People are afraid to leave their homes. The only solution I see here is no bail and stiffer penalties for crimes committed with an illegal weapon or a weapon used illegally. Our streets and our schools need to be safe from those whose lack of values pose a danger to all of us.

Behind all these examples are mostly young people who have lost their lives through no fault of their own. And behind all those who have succumbed to violence are parents, siblings and families who hope for justice for their child and loved one. But, no amount of punishment or money can ever bring back a deceased child.

Prevention is the only solution. We need federal law enforcement to devote much more effort and resources to the true terrorists of this world. We need an overhaul of our mental health care and facilities to provide inpatient long term care. We need to support law enforcement in its efforts to stem the tide of violence. We need effective district attorneys and judges who will impose bail and stiff sentences to make crime not worth the effort. Now, there are simply no deterrents. We need an effective closed borders that do not invite dangerous criminals and drugs into our country to cause more heartbreak.

The dangerously mentally ill, drug dealers, gangs of teens and dangerous illegal immigrants have become US domestic terrorists. They hold the law abiding business owners and everyday citizens hostage to their crimes and evil. The world seems upside down and inside out because of progressive "soft on crime" policies. And terrorists are successful because federal authorities have taken their eyes off the ball from real individuals who are actual threats.

I mourn because behind every statistic of a victim of violence are parents, families and friends who no longer have a child and loved one. Things need to change. Citizens have a right to feel safe going about their daily business and seeking education and entertainment. Enough of official incompetence and corruption. Hiring, promotions and added official responsibilities need to be merit based. No more lies, evasions and cover-ups in the greatest nation in the world. Politicians need to be held accountable for solutions to the problems we face.

I look forward to competence, change  and lives saved in 2025. Peace and blessings to all in the New Year.

"I have confidence in your strength; you are my refuge, O God."  Psalm 57: 3

Love, Rosemarie

May Your Laughter Live: VIOLENCE UNCHECKED

May Your Laughter Live: VIOLENCE UNCHECKED: In a season supposing to bring "peace on earth and good will to men" recent violent events depict anything but. A man sets fire to...

VIOLENCE UNCHECKED

In a season supposing to bring "peace on earth and good will to men" recent violent events depict anything but. A man sets fire to a woman on a subway car in a major city. An ideologic fanatic mows down New Years Eve revelers with a truck in a major city. A military vet, with unmet severe mental health issues, blows up himself and his truck  in front of a famous hotel in a city known for entertainment around the world. Hostages are still being held, under terrible conditions, in a war in the Middle East.

What is happening? First of all political incompetence and political corruption played a role in the loss of life in all these events.  The more things change, the more they stay the same. But all the deaths associated with these global events involve some parents' son or daughter.

So as we visit the Christ child in the manger, light the Menorah candles or cite the principles of Kwanza, let us not forget the pain of other parents as we recall our own losses. We all have our own anger and losses and, sadly, more parents are joining our ranks. 

There is no doubt that evil walks among us. Some of us have experienced it first hand. In my humble opinion, the only way to combat evil is prayer and good works. I know many of us are angry at God for the circumstances surrounding the deaths of our children. But this same God still loves us and we need Him to navigate and to survive our grief journeys. The alternative to asking for God's help is to remain embittered and angry. The choice is ours--to survive or just exist. 

My prayers and sincere condolences to any parent who has recently lost a child in what is supposed to be a season of joy, happiness and renewal, not burying your child. You can and will get through this heavy dark cloud of grief hanging over you. Your life will never be the same, but you can have a life of productivity instead of paralysis. 

Find a way to honor your child's life instead of a memorial at their place of death. Do not isolate. See small groups of trusted family and friends. And pray, pray, pray. Tell God how you are feeling. How you feel hopeless. Even how angry you are at Him. Cry. Punch pillows. Write a daily journal. Write a letter to your child and bury it at his or her gravesite. You can and will come out the other side of this blow. Do not give up. Get counseling. Take prescribed medication for anxiety or depression in the short term. There is hope. Do not give up.

Wishing you all hope, strength and peace in the coming days. Love, Rosemarie

If anyone is feeling hopeless and suicidal, call 911 or 988 in the US or got to your nearest hospital emergency room. There is no shame in asking for help in times of severe loss.

"Leave your troubles with the Lord, and He will defend you." Psalm 55: 22