EXHAUSTION

Losing a child brings an overwhelming fatigue---exhaustion. Plus, inability to concentrate, memory problems and feelings of despair. All of which make our exhaustion worse. Every simple task is like climbing a mountain. Even getting enough energy to get out of bed or up from a chair seems impossible. How can we possibly move and break this spell of inertia. We know we should be doing at least the everyday things, but how? 

Knowing and doing are two different things. Yet, we must venture out of our protective shells to interact with society again, pay bills, wash clothes, take a shower, care for living kids,  prepare meals, walk the dog, interact with your spouse or significant other, and eventually go back to work. Accept and get help where and when you can. Start with something simple like brushing your teeth. See if you can keep going or must go back to the couch or bed. That's all right. You made a start.

Next time, eat something. Something  easy to prepare and soft to eat. Or have a nutritional supplement to drink or pudding. If you can manage it, a nutritional snack bar. Accept offers of people to make food for you and your family. Keep juice, water or herbal tea by your bed or chair. If you don't have these foods you can eat ask someone to get them for you at the store.

I suggest seeing your primary care doctor to make sure nothing untoward is going on physically. That the stress of losing your child has not caused old problems to worsen or new ones to surface. This may mean some tests or a referral to a specialist. It is important to take care of yourself even though you would rather just give up. We cannot and should not choose our time, so make sure you do not compound your problems.

When I saw my primary care doctor, I shared with him that I was seeing a psychologist weekly. He said he did not care how I got there weekly, even if I had to crawl, but he wanted me in that psychologist's office every week. I assured him I would go and work with the psychologist. I also joined a bereavement support group run by a nun with a degree in pastoral care. The group was excellent. There were two other sets of parents who had lost teen-aged children. It was very helpful to talk with other parents going through the same thing. In fact, Sister said it was very necessary to help process my own loss.

About support groups. I would say go to one run by a professional trained in grief and loss. There are many groups run by well intentioned lay people that may or may not be helpful. If such a group is helping you, fine. If not, see if you can find a professionally run group by calling your local hospital social services office, community outreach office. Search on the internet for grief support groups in general, or drug overdoses, or suicide near you. Put in a zip code. If you can, get a recommendation that the proposed group is well run and helpful. If this is too much for you, ask a family member to make the calls or search for you. 

I would highly recommend if you have your living children, get them in grief support. Many hospitals offer such groups for children and adolescents. Kids may not really tell you how they are feeling because they don't want to upset you. They are more likely to open up in a group with a social worker or psychologist who is a stranger. It is always good to set up a "spy system" with a trusted adult relative or adult friend who you child is comfortable talking to. They can have a conversation with your child, then report back to you anything which is worrisome or what may be going on with your kid as far as problems or grieving.

This counseling is very important even if your child was not close to their deceased sibling or they did not get along. In fact it may be even more important in such a case. Medical examiner's offices also offer professional counseling for family members who have lost a child as a result of a crime. You might want to check this out if you have been affected by this type of loss of your child.

I have been setting one task a day to get done besides my personal care---a phone call or appointment I need to make, organizing a drawer, writing some especially in a journal, taking a short walk, doing some exercises even if you only get up once an hour to walk for five minutes, make a simple recipe---a favorite of yours or your family's, Read, pray, meditate for several minutes. Don't make it complicated, too large, or too time consuming. Start out small. Staying there is okay as long as we keep doing something each day. Now is not the time to organize every closet in the house. Don't even try it and don't feel guilty about it.

Start out small and gradually more energy will return. This helps memory and concentration improve as well. Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Grief recovery requires the same approach. I know it is hard, but hang in there. Better days will come.

"I was afraid He had driven me out of His presence. But He heard my cry, when I called to Him for help."   Psalm 31: 22

Love , peace, strength for you all,

Rosemarie

If you have any thoughts of harming yourself, call 988 or 911 for help immediately!

COURAGE

It takes courage for us as parents to go on with our lives after losing our children. What is courage?Courage is strength and fortitude. It takes faith and trust in God or your Higher Power to find courage during the most terrible times in our lives. 

It takes courage and faith to realize that whatever trials or tragedies that brought about our children's deaths are now over. It takes prayer and faith to accept that our children are at peace. They are no longer suffering. They are safe. It takes courage to accept this. Of course, we would much rather have our children physically with us. But that was not meant to be for reasons we do not understand. We must seek faith, strength and understanding to get from feelings of desperation to an acceptance of this terrible loss which has happened.

Acceptance and courage do not happen overnight. It takes time and going through a gradual process. Even if your mind is so scattered and distracted, say to yourself each day, "I will find the strength and fortitude to go on. I will find the courage I need. My child is safe and at peace." Gradually we find that our lives improves somewhat. And keeps improving bit by bit.

In the beginning we find ourselves thinking, "My life is over." It is not. The death of our children is an event we never "get over." There will always be a hole in our hearts for our missing children. But, our hearts will also always be filled with love for our missing children. Gradually the hole becomes a bearable ache. Like the lessening of physical pain.

What may seem impossible today, may seem possible tomorrow or many days from now. Strength and fortitude will come. We can find the courage to go on after this terrible blow. We must set our minds to this. We must ask God or our Higher Power for the courage we will need. It will come. We can come out of the imprisonment of our desperate shell to new lives. Not one we planned, but one that has learned to survive and move forward from a terrible blow.

                                    "....The human heart and mind are a mystery."  Psalm: 64: 6

With encouragement, prayer and love to you,

Rosemarie

website: www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

         If you have thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

STRUGGLING ON MOTHER'S DAY

On top of Mother's Day looming, lately, I have been having a hard time. Tomorrow will be three months since my back surgery. It seems I have been dealing with some serious kind of pain or another for the last three months. Mental and physical exhaustion and grief are not a good combination. A vicious circle most of us have experienced.

Again I asked God, "Have I not suffered enough? "I keep picturing the images of Christ in the light and our meditation circle holding each other up. But, I still don't like this nagging feeling of wanting to give up. Not wanting to get out of bed or wanting to hide in the closet. And Sunday is Mother's Day. I think I will read some healing prayers and Psalms. Maybe listen to some guitar music. Look at photos.

Never an easy day for those who have lost our children. Not sure if I want to go to the cemetery. For those mother's who have living children,  you don't want to spoil the day for your other kids with gloom for the one who is missing. You are pulled in two directions. I suggest a smaller, quieter, shorter event. Going to religious services. A nice walk where there is water or gardens. A toast to your missing son or daughter at dinner. Whatever your choice, please do not choose being alone. If you have no immediate family, make plans with a friend or another relative.

I am fortunate that two of my stepchildren and one step-grandchild have taken to me as "Mom" and "Grandma." It has truly touched my heart. I have to repeat my own advice to myself, "Remember who and what we have left in our lives." Yet, sitting here, I am overwhelmed by all the mothers and fathers who have lost children recently to violence and drugs. I remember the words of my aunt, "Why does life have to be so hard?"

I know there is no such thing as an easy life, but more and more I am asking God if He could just ease off a little bit? I lost a child and even a husband. I paid my dues. Maybe You have me confused with someone else. Check your Big Book, God. Might be someone with the same name. Not that I am wishing ill on anyone else. I just want a break from pain rotating from one spot to another and the grace to get through Mother's Day. Feel free to borrow my informal prayer.

Having my new husband has kept me going. I do not want him to be alone. Before my surgery, I even asked my daughter-in-law (his daughter) to promise me if anything happened, she and her one brother would take care of "Pop." I added I never wanted him to be alone. He means so much to me. I suppose with my blessings, I have to accept my struggles. 

And so it is. Take an inventory of your blessings this Mother's Day. A spouse, significant other, living children and grandchildren, reasonably good health, friends, food, an affectionate pet, a garden, a talent, a home, a livelihood, a business, a car or freedom from financial worries. There are millions of people around the world who have none of this. 

Neither our blessings or their troubles can bring back our deceased children. But we must go with what we've got. It's called "acceptance." Hard as it may be to achieve inch by inch. The one thing we can never do, is go back. So we must push, and I mean push, forward.

May we all receive the support and graces we need on this Mother's Day.

                     "But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, O God, and save me!"  Psalm 69: 29

With love, deep thoughts and prayer,

Rosemarie

           If you have any thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately.

LONELINESS AFTER LOSING A CHILD

Loneliness is defined as feeling alone, miserable or isolated. These feelings take on a new dimension after losing a child. First, there is the permanence of losing our children. We know they are not coming back. Then all sorts of "never agains" can come flooding into our minds.

One of my firsts was knowing I would never hear my son, Chris, play the guitar again. When he was home, he was always strumming on his guitar. Playing this or that. Asking me which chords sounded better. When he died, I could not listen to any music in the house for over a year.

So many other familiar things were gone as well. His greetings: "Hi, Mom." His calling on the phone and saying, "Hi Mom, this is Chris." It always amused me because he was my only child so if he said, "Hi, Mom," who else would it be?

The familiar footsteps coming up the stairs if he was late coming home. My dog Amber and I always took that for granted. But after a friend of Chris' visited, Amber switched to the corner of the bed where she could watch the stairs. She remained on that corner every night until the day she died seven years later. I supposed she missed him saying,"Amber, you are the little sister I never had."

If I was laying down in the afternoon, Amber was on the bed with me. If Chris would come home, he would sit on the bed and pet her and talk to her. Sitting between us, Amber always gave this huge happy sounding yawn. That stopped after Chris was gone. She never did it again.

I miss the constant interruptions of his asking me how to set the washer to launder this or that particular item of clothing. I miss going to the diner with him for breakfast or lunch. Meals out became solo. I miss his wonderful sense of humor. His great laugh. His sensitivity. His keen perception. I miss his funny stories. I miss his hilarious imitations of different people. I miss having his friends around. I miss our closeness. I miss our heart to heart talks. I miss his love and affection. I miss him helping me.

I miss who he would have become. He had just finished a trade course and training in printing. Would he have continued to pursue this? Would he have married? Had kids? Started his own business? With his life cut short, I will never know. Yes, the terrible, surprising and unexpected are what happen when we are hoping for other plans. 

The everyday losses and the possible future losses bring a permanent kind of loneliness. Yes, a loneliness that can isolate us in our thoughts, regrets and what if's. Right onto the path of misery. Can we turn this picture over to memories and happy moments instead of the permanence of loss? Yes, it's a heavy lift. But let's imagine we are all doing this together with our fondest memories. And our faith in being reunited with our children in God's good time.

Seek help. Get help. Give help. Despite our loneliness, we are not alone. There are far too many bereaved parents like us. We must sit quietly and tap into each other's pain, strength and determination to move forward bit by bit. Picture a large circle of parents of all ages. We are holding hands and looking skyward on a warm, sunny day. Hoping to move along on this slow journey. But, move along we can.

We will remember the good we had and who and what remain in our lives and our angel children.

    "Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge."  Psalm 62: 8

My love, thoughts and prayers for you all,

Rosemarie

      If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

  

LIFE IS SO HARD

 If you have lost a child, no matter the age or cause, I do not have to tell you just how hard life is. I had an experience a few nights ago. Recently I had a lumbar spinal fusion. I am supposed to avoid bending or twisting. Have you ever counted the number of things you drop in the course of one day? I was in my bedroom closet and struggling with something not going my way, when I broke down and had a little conversation with God.

I asked Him. Pleaded with Him. "Have I not suffered enough? I have had it God. It is time to come home to You. I am done with life." I listed all my travails with my health. Losing both parents within eight weeks of each other. Caring for a husband with a chronic illness for ten years. And finally losing a son and  husband within six weeks of each other.

We all have our moments. When I was done my rant, a picture and presence of a tranquil Jesus, who was kneeling in prayer and light, came to me. I interpreted this to mean Jesus is always there for me. Will always help me. This gave me comfort. This was God's answer. I felt comforted and strengthened. Several times this week, I had to stop and recall that image. Renew my faith and say a short prayer.

Sometimes that is as much as we can do---go from moment to moment because grief has overwhelmed us. Grief brings anger, frustration, despair, hatred, revenge, helplessness, injustice. A full range of negative emotions. It is difficult to control some wounds of the heart. But, we must in order to to move forward eventually.

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know I speak a lot about grief involving choice. We have to choose to overcome  or envision ourselves stepping out of our despair. In other words, not let the loss of our children destroy us. It is a conscious decision we have to make when you realize these negative emotions will not allow you to resume living.

I am not saying forget what happened or you must forgive anyone responsible. What we must do is accept what has happened. Not to let the death of your child forever eat you up with anger, hatred and despair. It is another spiritual dimension from asking "Why God? Why? Why did you let this happen?"

We need to take a big step up with courage to accepting the weakness of our humanity. Acknowledging to God, "I need your help, God, and I need it right now!" It's okay to tell God you are angry at Him for what happened. Then ask Him how to get through what has happened? How to go from tragedy to remembering better times? How to find a way to honor your child? How to find a way to help prevent other children from the same fate?

Consider donating to research. Help groups who support deceased military and law enforcement members. Help others as you help yourself by joining a support group for parents who have lost a child through suicide, drugs, MVA involving alcohol, cancer, homicide. Advocate to get a stop sign or traffic light installed where your child was killed by contacting local officials, attending council meetings. Ask someone to help you by looking up on the internet groups and methods appropriate to your loss. 

Although time helps, grief does not go away, magically, by itself.  By sitting alone day after day on the couch. By hiding in the closet. By denying anything happened. 

Grief is an introspective, interactive and, I believe,  a spiritual process. I found I had to meet with people who had experienced the loss of a child as well. And, also, turn myself over to a higher power. To have faith in God. To others, have faith in Yahweh or Allah. 

You can get through the loss of your child. You can go from despair to finding living and purpose once again.

            "God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."   Psalm 46: 1

If you (or a family member or friend) have any feelings of wanting to harm yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 for help immediately.

Peace, hope and love,

Rosemarie

DESPICABLE COWARDICE

Yesterday, I witnessed the most despicable display of cowardice and meanness by United States government officials that I have ever seen. I have great empathy for the parents and families of any of the beloved children or loved  ones who were attacked, injured or killed in one of the United States' major cities. Parents and families were asked to testify before a congressional committee. Why? The local District Attorney is accused of misdirecting his efforts and resources in place of addressing crime and the deterrence of crime in his district. Violence statistics and little or no punishment for violent crimes in his city would support this claim.

One set of Congress members listened respectfully and expressed appropriate comments and sympathy. The opposing side's comments were despicable. No other words, but despicable and cowardly. They ignored the parents' and families' concerns and visible pain as they recounted their horrifying experiences. These members of congress told these people testifying they were no more than political pawns. They expressed no sympathy and one or two even laughed. Laughed at these distressed citizens.

I called those members offices this morning to tell them I knew the pain of losing a son to an act of violence which apparently they did not. I told them their words and actions were despicable.

I feel as if a dark cloud has descended upon me today in seeing such a display of a lack of empathy and cowardice. Directly in the face of these very hurt and troubled folks. Who does that? I will tell you. People who are not fit to serve in the US congress. People who are pawns of their own political party. People who have long ago lost any sense responsibility for serving US citizens in place of enriching themselves.

I am sick of seeing the number of teens and even younger children shot and killed by illegal guns everyday. The numbers are higher than ever. And who is there to support these parents? I am. I feel your pain. To the extent that I can publicly speak or write for you, I promise that I will. I will continue to to stay on local, state and federal politicians. 

Those of us who have lost our children have a voice. It can be difficult to find our voices so people in power feel our pain. To be our own advocates to honor our lost children. To try to keep this violence from happening to other parents. Well, I am no stranger to calling my US congressional representative. I am no stranger to calling the US Capitol. I will continue to do that.

I know many of you do not have the motivation and energy to act because you are weighed down by your grief. I understand. For many of us we feel our lives or a very big part of our lives died when we lost our children. It is like a book whose last several chapters were never written. 

I feel weighed down myself today and more than anything so angry and frustrated by what I witnessed. I question who is there for us? Who can recognize our pain, our frustration, our anger and finally our lack of justice?

The homicide rate is so high now in the US, that police officials say that it is possible to solve less than half of these crimes. That is hardly reassuring to any parent or family who has lost a child or other family member to an act of violence.

I ask myself when will it end? When will school shootings end? When will we have responsible politicians who will help us? Right now, it is not looking good. If you have the energy, call, email or write your representatives and senators. The phone number for the US Capitol is  202-225-3121. Just ask to be connected to your representative or senator by name. I hope some of you can call. We need to have a voice. A feeling that someone knows our pain and can enact legislation to curb this violence and end school shootings. We need hope not discouragement. But, most of all we need action!!!

                                  "The helpless call to Him and he answers... "  Psalm 37: 5 

With love and hope,

Rosemarie

If at anytime you feel helpless or have feelings of wanting to harm yourself call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS TEST FAITH DURING TROUBLING TIMES

Here we are during Easter, Passover and Ramadan. Times which should be devoted to faith and peace. Yet, not only are we grieving the loss of our children, but we are seeing troubles worldwide. The war in Ukraine with unspeakable crimes, especially toward women and children. A once beautiful democratic country reduced to rubble. Tyrants in Russia. Plus China, Afghanistan and North Korea remain on the stage as bad actors. Always saber rattling about nuclear weapons. 

And much division, unrest, hatred, crime and violence in the United States. Brought about by a political party in the White House and Senate that has acceded their power to a very radical, fringe group of progressives. A group bent on gaining power by eliminating political opponents by any illegal means. Their tyrannical ends justify their extraordinary, malevolent means. Causing economic struggles, fear. confusion and governmental retaliation towards many law abiding, hardworking, tax payer Americans. Their supporters think the government owes them everything. Or they are wealthy elites with long time family money, wealth from the financial or tech world, entertainment, pro sports or political positions who are insulated from the real world. But challenge or expose them at your own peril. So much for American freedoms.

All this weighs heavy on me and I believe many of us as we try to find some peace and meaning in a path forward from losing our children. But, there is no good news. We see corruption and punishment of the wrong people. Retaliation toward people. Withholding of much needed aid from people in a town devastated by a toxic chemical railcar accident. Why? Because the population did not vote the "correct way." How many young children will become ill and maybe die from the long term effects of these toxins?We are in fear so we remain silent. And we have enough to deal with our own personal tragedies which sap our energy and motivation.

I am ashamed to admit when the natural time comes for the President and many in his party to meet their maker, I hope they will rot in hell for the evil they have created on this earth. The suffering they have caused while assuring us what "good Catholics' they are. Well I am Catholic. Their statements and actions are not only wrong, but evil. I express my disappointment that Pope Francis has not excommunicated these US politicians whose actions and statements are antithetical to Catholic doctrine. But of course, they would retaliate by probably finding cause to close all Catholic churches and schools and forbid religious instruction nationwide. The US has become a twilight zone.

So on top of our own personal tragedies and problems, this is where the United States is. In a state of tyranny where the American has died because of deceit, greed and something called "progressivism." A movement that supports coming after school children and parents to tell them that any perceived problem the child may have is coming from unrecognized transgenderism. Yet when the trans movement fixes such children, there is a 50% suicide rate. And pre-teens and teens are so confused by what these trans radicals are preaching, that depression and suicide is rising at astounding rates among these age groups. 

How can this agenda be legitimate if they have to use fear, force, unrelenting persuasion, threats and even violence to achieve such abysmal results. This is not a legitimate health issue, but a means to gain control of our kids, strip parents of their rights, take over school administrations. They want to destroy family and traditional values. The agenda is really Marxist based to achieve power, control and greed. Mostly in predominately White schools, but no inner city majority minority schools. I wonder why that is? It makes me even more skeptical of the legitimacy of the trans movement. These are disturbed, malevolent, Satanic inspired people who would bring such harm to children, parents, families and mostly biologic women as well.

If you have already lost a child and have living children, you must come out of your stuporous grief to protect and to find out what your child is being taught in school. Who is allowed to come into the school and what are they doing there? Who is funding them? What books are in the school library? Are Drag Queen story hours being presented? If what you find out is not to your approval, insist that your child not go to the library or be exposed to Drag Queens who are ADULT entertainment.

I have laid a lot on your plate which is not religious services, lilies, traditional foods or Mecca. But our living children must be protected. Must be allowed to have an actual childhood free from distressing and very confusing thoughts. Free from inappropriate sexualization. Free from outlandish, even scary. adult entertainment. The children I have seen at Drag Queen shows are not happy and having a good time. That is a LIE. They look absolutely frightened by the bizarre goings on and bizarre "Queens." Because they do not have their own kids, does not mean they have the right to have access to ours.

If your school district does not see the need to protect its students, then home school or send your child to an accredited religious school. Often, there is financial aid available.

This is not really the blogpost I intended to write. I wanted to wish you all a spiritual, peaceful, renewing religious holiday. Perhaps, it is the blog the Savior, Yahweh, and Allah wished me to write. To save many children from Satan. Evil is apart of our world. Satan never quits.

This is the season of fasting, praying and giving alms. If you can do nothing else, then, pray, pray, pray that our children will be protected and saved. Holiday blessings to you all.

"They make evil plans as they lie in bed; nothing they do is good, and they never reject anything evil. Psalm 36: 4

"Give yourself to the Lord; trust in Him and he will help you."  Psalm 37:

Wishing you peace and strength. Time to reflect. Time to remember. Time to celebrate your child's life. Time to contemplate the future. Time to move forward no matter how slow.

My love and prayers, Rosemarie