There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone's grieving process is different. Nor is there a time table for grief. Sadly though, there is reality and the demands of living that intrude upon the grieving process and jolt you back to numbly performing tasks.
You have lost a child and are falling apart. Yet you have other relationships---a marriage or significant other, children, a job, a home to be maintained and daily chores. Yes, get as as much help for as long as you can. Eventually, though you will be "expected" to return to "normal" whatever that is after losing a child.
So begins your double life. Trying to smile on the outside---pretending everything is all right while you have this tremendous hole in your heart. I know from experience you would much rather isolate yourself from the world and be left in peace to mourn your child, to cry, to visit the cemetery and to sit and be alone with your memories. Would that it could be so.
This is where you have to muster all your courage and it is courage to go on with your life. After My son died, I took as much time as I could from work, but out of necessity had to return. I continued to work for two more years after my son and husband died until I retired.
I'd like to tell you a story to illustrate my point about courage. I worked for a very large urban school district as a school nurse mainly in high school with high risk teens for 24 years. At my retirement luncheon my principal, a former National Football League player who played for the New England Patriots, remarked that it took courage to play professional ball. He went on to say it took real courage after what I went through to come into work everyday and do it with a smile no less. How much those words touched my heart and remain with me today.
So I salute you my fellow parents who are managing to do the same and not realizing how truly courageous you are. How proud your children must be of you. You have come a long way
For you parents whose loss is more recent and still not getting out much or returning to work, you may need to give it more time. It may just be too soon for you. You will sense when the time is right. If it has been several months and you are not able to get out, cope with daily routines, family responsibilities or work and you are not in a support group or receiving professional counseling, I urge you to seek help. This is not a journey to go alone.
May God grant us all courage and strength.
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Were You a Good Enough Parent?
Pediatrician Donald Winnicott has a theory that parents don't have to be perfect and that in fact it is better for the child if they are not. He subscribes to the theory that the "good enough" parent is good enough for the child and far better for their emotional development.
Expounding on his beliefs, he goes on to say parents natural nurturing of children is what is good rather than the intrusion of substituting professional expertise. Along this line is the fear that children have to be protected from everything negative within you and within the world. Children have to understand that you are human and you have limits and the world has limits.
Otherwise, Dr. Winnicott says the child would go on to live in a fantasy and not develop emotionally. He calls these limits the "good enough environmental provision." This fits into the recent discussions on self blame and self forgiveness.
If you think you weren't a good enough parent for your now deceased child when he or she was growing up, maybe you need to re-examine this. If you think you didn't do enough to protect your child, maybe you need to re-examine this. If you think you didn't do enough when you child was ill, maybe you need to re-examine this.
How high have you set the bar? None of us is perfect or super human. We cannot control the actions of others or be in two places at one time. Ask yourself were you good enough? Is it time to forgive yourself? I believe with all my heart your child understands and God understands.
Expounding on his beliefs, he goes on to say parents natural nurturing of children is what is good rather than the intrusion of substituting professional expertise. Along this line is the fear that children have to be protected from everything negative within you and within the world. Children have to understand that you are human and you have limits and the world has limits.
Otherwise, Dr. Winnicott says the child would go on to live in a fantasy and not develop emotionally. He calls these limits the "good enough environmental provision." This fits into the recent discussions on self blame and self forgiveness.
If you think you weren't a good enough parent for your now deceased child when he or she was growing up, maybe you need to re-examine this. If you think you didn't do enough to protect your child, maybe you need to re-examine this. If you think you didn't do enough when you child was ill, maybe you need to re-examine this.
How high have you set the bar? None of us is perfect or super human. We cannot control the actions of others or be in two places at one time. Ask yourself were you good enough? Is it time to forgive yourself? I believe with all my heart your child understands and God understands.
Friday, January 10, 2020
A Path to Forgiveness
"A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but anger is heavier than them both."
Book of Proverbs, Chapter 27
The loss of your child usually causes feelings of anger towards yourself, others or even your child. So begins the process of forgiveness in order to resolve this anger. Speaking from personal experience, the hardest of all is to forgive yourself.
Let me start by going to my favorite resource, Kathleen O'Hara in "A Grief Like no Other," and telling you what forgiveness does not mean. She says what is does not mean is reconciliation with an individual(s) or condoning an action or event or forgetting what happened or pardoning what was done. She goes on to say what forgiveness does mean is finding ways of living with an event so it will not destroy you.
I can give you some examples. Suppose you feel as I did and Kathleen O'Hara did that she should have been a better parent. Or you feel you should have recognized your child's illness sooner or done a better job of protecting him or her. You can do as I did and write a letter to your child and state your heartfelt feelings. This is what I did and buried the letter at the cemetery along with my feelings in order to forgive myself. Kathleen O'Hara says she went to the cemetery and and spoke to her son and asked his forgiveness and she left it there. Perhaps with some thought, you can come up with a similar way fo making peace and amends with your child even in your child's room or at a memorial for your child.
Suppose you have a sticky problem of having to forgive your child because your child died doing something you did not approve of which caused you additional heartache and anger. Well, I've got you covered. I had told my son, Chris, not to go back to a certain city far from our home to see a young woman he had broken up with because I felt his life was in danger. He didn't listen. He went back one day while I was at work. I couldn't get in touch with him when I got home that evening. He was killed later that night.
I admit I was angry at Chris for not listening to me and leaving me. His father died six weeks after Chris died. I was beside myself. It was a full 18 months later when a friend told me about a Catholic radio show. I called in and told the priest what happened and how I was having a hard time forgiving my son for not listening to me. He said he would pray for me and my son. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from me when I publicly acknowledged my burden. I knew someone finally understood. I knew God understood and someone would be praying for me. I learned later it is called giving public testimony much like 12 step programs or support groups. A solution can be as simple as a sympathetic ear or more sophisticated as in professional counseling. The important thing is to open up.
Perhaps you are angry at medical personnel, the justice system or a criminal perpetrator. As I alluded to above, the key is to find a solution you can live with and not to stew in silence. Whether you take private legal action, channel your energies into a cause, find a support group or victim assistance network such as NOVA or Compassionate Friends or MADD. I know there are support groups through medical examiner's and coroner's offices. Often district attorneys and detectives assigned to criminal cases can put you in touch with support groups. You have to take some action for your child's sake and your sake to find that path to forgiveness and discharge your anger.
Paths to forgiveness are different lengths and different routes, but nonetheless necessary to travel so we are not destroyed by tears of bitterness. We all came to be here by one common, fateful denominator. One thing I am confident of is that our children want us to go on with some measure of peace in our hearts. May God grant us that one thing.
Book of Proverbs, Chapter 27
The loss of your child usually causes feelings of anger towards yourself, others or even your child. So begins the process of forgiveness in order to resolve this anger. Speaking from personal experience, the hardest of all is to forgive yourself.
Let me start by going to my favorite resource, Kathleen O'Hara in "A Grief Like no Other," and telling you what forgiveness does not mean. She says what is does not mean is reconciliation with an individual(s) or condoning an action or event or forgetting what happened or pardoning what was done. She goes on to say what forgiveness does mean is finding ways of living with an event so it will not destroy you.
I can give you some examples. Suppose you feel as I did and Kathleen O'Hara did that she should have been a better parent. Or you feel you should have recognized your child's illness sooner or done a better job of protecting him or her. You can do as I did and write a letter to your child and state your heartfelt feelings. This is what I did and buried the letter at the cemetery along with my feelings in order to forgive myself. Kathleen O'Hara says she went to the cemetery and and spoke to her son and asked his forgiveness and she left it there. Perhaps with some thought, you can come up with a similar way fo making peace and amends with your child even in your child's room or at a memorial for your child.
Suppose you have a sticky problem of having to forgive your child because your child died doing something you did not approve of which caused you additional heartache and anger. Well, I've got you covered. I had told my son, Chris, not to go back to a certain city far from our home to see a young woman he had broken up with because I felt his life was in danger. He didn't listen. He went back one day while I was at work. I couldn't get in touch with him when I got home that evening. He was killed later that night.
I admit I was angry at Chris for not listening to me and leaving me. His father died six weeks after Chris died. I was beside myself. It was a full 18 months later when a friend told me about a Catholic radio show. I called in and told the priest what happened and how I was having a hard time forgiving my son for not listening to me. He said he would pray for me and my son. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from me when I publicly acknowledged my burden. I knew someone finally understood. I knew God understood and someone would be praying for me. I learned later it is called giving public testimony much like 12 step programs or support groups. A solution can be as simple as a sympathetic ear or more sophisticated as in professional counseling. The important thing is to open up.
Perhaps you are angry at medical personnel, the justice system or a criminal perpetrator. As I alluded to above, the key is to find a solution you can live with and not to stew in silence. Whether you take private legal action, channel your energies into a cause, find a support group or victim assistance network such as NOVA or Compassionate Friends or MADD. I know there are support groups through medical examiner's and coroner's offices. Often district attorneys and detectives assigned to criminal cases can put you in touch with support groups. You have to take some action for your child's sake and your sake to find that path to forgiveness and discharge your anger.
Paths to forgiveness are different lengths and different routes, but nonetheless necessary to travel so we are not destroyed by tears of bitterness. We all came to be here by one common, fateful denominator. One thing I am confident of is that our children want us to go on with some measure of peace in our hearts. May God grant us that one thing.
Saturday, January 4, 2020
Anger and Forgiveness
I apologize for being out of touch. I was away for receiving an award for Empowered Woman of the Year from the International Association of Top Professionals. As soon as I got back, I got a nasty attack of gout. I have been in very bad pain and not up to writing. So sorry. Feeling much better now and back with you though you have always been in my thoughts and prayers, dear fellow parents.
During my hiatus, a friend gave me a book, "The Dash: Making a Difference with Your Life" by Linda Ellis and Mac Anderson. It talks about what matters is not your birth and death dates but the Dash in between or what you do with the intervening years of your life.
It seems appropriate to our discussion here because in a sense we have another big Dash to fill. What will we do with our lives from the time our children die until we die. It may be many intervening years. Or will our lives end with theirs?
For all of us that fateful day, we felt the life drain out of us. Never to return for some of us. Part way to return for the rest of us to go on. We were all left grasping onto our Dashes as best we can.
Many things can get in your way. Anger, inability to forgive, loneliness, isolation and lack of support and understanding. If the death of your child in any way involves wrongdoing, blame and anger, your must find a path to forgiveness. No one wants to be around a bitter and angry person.
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
Paul Boese
If anger and blame are holding you back, consider forgiveness so you can move forward with your Dash. God grant us all peace and strength in the New Year.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
A Hole In My Heart
I am sure it was with you as it was with me. You felt your child very much missing from your Thanksgiving Day holiday. It started for me on Thanksgiving Day morning when I was watching the Philadelphia Parade on TV. I became agonizingly aware Chris would be missing from today's get together.
Then at dinner, I stopped and paused in my mind and asked myself what I was doing with all these strangers? Where were Chris and my deceased husband, Fred? Don't get me wrong. I was having a pleasant enough time. My boyfriend's family has embraced me, but there will be two holes forever in my heart, one impossible to fill even partway.
You know all too well what I mean. You have the same hole in your heart with your now deceased child. That child cannot be replaced with any amount of festivity.
Some days it is so hard. I go on with a brave face. After so many years, the smile reaches my eyes some days, I think, but not really my heart. Thanksgiving Day it did not reach my heart and that's all right. We're allowed.
It just so happened at that same dinner, there was a kindred spirit. I never knew the brother-in-law of the host had lost his 16 year old daughter. So true the words, "Be kind always." We shared a little of our experiences. He had been divorced prior to his daughter's death. He said he would rather have gone through thousands of divorces than have lost his daughter. So profoundly had her loss affected him.
His statement reminded me of what I had experienced with Chris' death. My husband died just six weeks after Chris. I was already numb with grief. So great was my grief over Chris, it was like Fred's death couldn't even register. I had no more grief left in me. I didn't grieve over Fred until several years later.
It is impossible to measure the grief, the pain, the absolute rawness felt of a child being ripped away from you, even an adult child. Your life seems to come to a grinding halt. Nothing else matters. Yet, your spouse matters, other children matter, your job matters, the bills matter. Painfully, you have to put one foot in front of the other and go on. There is no other choice. You can go into a dark place, but not for too long. Life calls. You must go on. You can go on. You have to tell yourself you must and you can do it and you will do it. There is no other way, but to choose life or let your grief destroy you and your family. It is a rocky road, but one you can't avoid traveling.
What to do about the upcoming holidays? Your first instinct is to crawl into a hole and hide and skip all events. If you have family and other children, total avoidance is probably not realistic. I would say be very selective. Choose small groups of close family and friends who are aware and understanding of your situation. Don't feel bad about turning anyone else down. Be firm, but kind. You can always have "other plans" in the face of persistence.
Try remembering your child quietly with a gift for his or her room. If you have a celebration at home or go somewhere, have your child's favorite dish or dessert or say a commemorative prayer or blessing or give a toast. Try to include your child in the festivities to extend the smile to the hole in your heart. This Christmas Eve, I am going to ask my hosts if we can toast Chris and Fred at our dinner. God bless you all and may He bring you strength and some measure of peace.
Then at dinner, I stopped and paused in my mind and asked myself what I was doing with all these strangers? Where were Chris and my deceased husband, Fred? Don't get me wrong. I was having a pleasant enough time. My boyfriend's family has embraced me, but there will be two holes forever in my heart, one impossible to fill even partway.
You know all too well what I mean. You have the same hole in your heart with your now deceased child. That child cannot be replaced with any amount of festivity.
Some days it is so hard. I go on with a brave face. After so many years, the smile reaches my eyes some days, I think, but not really my heart. Thanksgiving Day it did not reach my heart and that's all right. We're allowed.
It just so happened at that same dinner, there was a kindred spirit. I never knew the brother-in-law of the host had lost his 16 year old daughter. So true the words, "Be kind always." We shared a little of our experiences. He had been divorced prior to his daughter's death. He said he would rather have gone through thousands of divorces than have lost his daughter. So profoundly had her loss affected him.
His statement reminded me of what I had experienced with Chris' death. My husband died just six weeks after Chris. I was already numb with grief. So great was my grief over Chris, it was like Fred's death couldn't even register. I had no more grief left in me. I didn't grieve over Fred until several years later.
It is impossible to measure the grief, the pain, the absolute rawness felt of a child being ripped away from you, even an adult child. Your life seems to come to a grinding halt. Nothing else matters. Yet, your spouse matters, other children matter, your job matters, the bills matter. Painfully, you have to put one foot in front of the other and go on. There is no other choice. You can go into a dark place, but not for too long. Life calls. You must go on. You can go on. You have to tell yourself you must and you can do it and you will do it. There is no other way, but to choose life or let your grief destroy you and your family. It is a rocky road, but one you can't avoid traveling.
What to do about the upcoming holidays? Your first instinct is to crawl into a hole and hide and skip all events. If you have family and other children, total avoidance is probably not realistic. I would say be very selective. Choose small groups of close family and friends who are aware and understanding of your situation. Don't feel bad about turning anyone else down. Be firm, but kind. You can always have "other plans" in the face of persistence.
Try remembering your child quietly with a gift for his or her room. If you have a celebration at home or go somewhere, have your child's favorite dish or dessert or say a commemorative prayer or blessing or give a toast. Try to include your child in the festivities to extend the smile to the hole in your heart. This Christmas Eve, I am going to ask my hosts if we can toast Chris and Fred at our dinner. God bless you all and may He bring you strength and some measure of peace.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Words that Pierced My Heart
"His murder has broken me beyond repair." Such profound words. The words of a distraught father after the recent sentencing of his son's murderer. When I first heard those words on the news, they pierced my heart like a sharp pointed knife. The grief this father expressed was so immense, so poignant and so relatable to us all.
The situation was the particularly gruesome murders 18 months ago of four very fine young men by two merciless thugs who both got life and additional years without any possibility of parole. How I wished I could have reached out and touched this father and consoled him in some way. I wish I could console everyone of you feeling this way. Yes, grief can and does break you in a very tangible way.
This brokenness doesn't have to be permanent. Although, some measure of grief will always be with you, it does not have to destroy your life. I beg you not to let it do so. It is a conscious decision which way your grief will take you. It is possible to begin a healing process. I make no promise for total wholeness, but at least a life again that is in some way productive and meaningful.
When my son and husband died within six weeks of each other as I was recuperating from cancer treatment, I had a moment of clarity one morning while laying in bed. I realized I could let tragedy destroy me or choose to go on with life. So I got out of bed and chose to on with my life.
I beg you to make that same decision. It will not be a straight road or an easy road. You will have to fight hard within yourself not to give up or give in to your sorrow. You will need help--professional counseling, support group, faith based support, family and friends. You cannot go this road alone. Don't attempt to. There are a myriad of emotions to work through. A big one of mine was anger. I went to therapy, support groups and filled countless copy books with my thoughts and feelings. Went to church regularly and prayed and prayed and did not isolate myself socially from friends and family.
You have suffered the worst of mighty blows in the loss of your child. Today you may believe you are broken beyond repair. Many days to come you may still believe that. You are not. Don't give up. Don't give in. Please decide to go on. Take that first step today to choose life. It is want your son or daughter would want for you. God bring you strength and some measure of peace. You can go on.
Friday, November 15, 2019
I Feel Your Pain
The holiday season in many cultures is fast approaching thus intensifying the pain of grief. Pain is what we parents have most in common in the deaths of our children.
I feel your pain when I remember vivid images of my son, Chris, running track.
I feel your pain when I remember his voice saying on the phone,"Hi Mom, it's Chris."
I feel your pain in the dark hours of the night.
I feel your pain when Chris is missing from the family gatherings he loved so much.
I feel your pain when I look at photos of Chris.
I feel your pain at the beach when Chris is not there. He loved the shore.
I feel your pain when I drive alone in the car without him.
I feel your pain when I eat alone at our favorite diner.
I feel your pain on every holiday and every birthday.
I feel your pain when watching sports on TV.
I feel your pain when hear guitar music. Chris played guitar.
I feel your pain in my own anger, frustration, isolation and self-doubt.
You and I are besieged with the pain of thoughts and questions of why and what might have been's. Time can dull pain, but so can doing some imagery similar to Kathleen O'Hara's book in "A Grief Like No Other." Bear with me here. Be open to doing this. It can help you. Try to see your pain as a large rock or package which you take hold of. Now slowly push the rock or package forward. Practice doing this when you feel your pain overwhelming you. Each time you do it, visualize the package or rock getting smaller and smaller and easier to move or push. Breathe deeply while doing this.
The pain of our tragic losses will always be with us. But we can learn to live again with this pain and learn to manage it in a way our children would be proud. We can keep our pain in this symbolic package or under this rock. If we need to, we can take our pain out, examine it, talk about it or mourn over it. But pain need not overwhelm us 24/7. We can feel pain, but gradually contain it. Time and imagery can help lessen the intensity of the feeling of our pain.
I feel your pain when I remember vivid images of my son, Chris, running track.
I feel your pain when I remember his voice saying on the phone,"Hi Mom, it's Chris."
I feel your pain in the dark hours of the night.
I feel your pain when Chris is missing from the family gatherings he loved so much.
I feel your pain when I look at photos of Chris.
I feel your pain at the beach when Chris is not there. He loved the shore.
I feel your pain when I drive alone in the car without him.
I feel your pain when I eat alone at our favorite diner.
I feel your pain on every holiday and every birthday.
I feel your pain when watching sports on TV.
I feel your pain when hear guitar music. Chris played guitar.
I feel your pain in my own anger, frustration, isolation and self-doubt.
You and I are besieged with the pain of thoughts and questions of why and what might have been's. Time can dull pain, but so can doing some imagery similar to Kathleen O'Hara's book in "A Grief Like No Other." Bear with me here. Be open to doing this. It can help you. Try to see your pain as a large rock or package which you take hold of. Now slowly push the rock or package forward. Practice doing this when you feel your pain overwhelming you. Each time you do it, visualize the package or rock getting smaller and smaller and easier to move or push. Breathe deeply while doing this.
The pain of our tragic losses will always be with us. But we can learn to live again with this pain and learn to manage it in a way our children would be proud. We can keep our pain in this symbolic package or under this rock. If we need to, we can take our pain out, examine it, talk about it or mourn over it. But pain need not overwhelm us 24/7. We can feel pain, but gradually contain it. Time and imagery can help lessen the intensity of the feeling of our pain.
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