CHRISTMAS, REGRETS AND IF ONLY'S

Whenever I watch a crime show on TV, I think of my son. I told him not to go see this young woman he had been dating. I felt his life was in danger. But, he did not listen and went. He was shot and killed. No one was ever charged due to her father's political influence, a corrupt county solicitor and corrupt medical examiner.

So when I see these shows and the efforts some families have gone to for twenty to thirty years, I always question myself. I guess this one show seemed especially painful due to Christmas being here and having just been to the cemetery. 

I told my husband how I was feeling. Chris's death was ruled a suicide. I never believed it, but those in my support circle, family and friends did. My husband was too ill for us to form a plan of action. He died six weeks after Chris. His death was a blessing. He was a very good man and never deserved to suffer as he did. Before Chis's viewing started, I sat down by his coffin. I placed my hands over his. I told Chris, "Chris your job now is to bring Dad home to  heaven." Chris must have heard me because six weeks later, my late husband passed in his sleep.

I told my husband last night, that I could not stand going through a trial. Listening to the defense tell lies about Chris. A good kid who never had so much as a traffic ticket. Nor, could I bear to see any photos of his death scene. Plus, I was very fearful of the young woman's father. He is not a good man. He was formerly president of America's miners' union. A very tough and crime ridden outfit. 

And at the time of Chris's death, he was mayor of a nearby large city. Powerful enough to keep all mention of my son's death out of the media. Powerful enough so when his daughter was fired from her job because of her relationship with Chris, he got her a teaching position with the school district in his city. I was both shocked and amazed by this. No other person with her record would ever have been given this second chance. She was not even state certified to teach in elementary education. Well, as is said, "It's not what you know. It's who you know."

I went on with my husband, "Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I shouldn't have let my fear stop me. His advice, "Don't torture yourself with if only's. You can't change what happened. It was not your fault. Don't go on with if only's, you cannot change things now or probably even then."

He is right, of course. I was so spent. So grief stricken. My late husband had been seriously ill for 10 years. In a nursing home for almost three years. I had recently finished chemo for breast cancer and very radical surgery. The two deaths and cancer treatment had all happened in 21 months time. I had nothing left emotionally and physically. I tried three different lawyers. None of whom were optimistic and advised me not to try and pursue getting justice for my son. Easy for them to say. Very hard for me to bear. A very bitter pill to swallow.

What got me through this was my faith in God and Divine Justice. Maybe I could not get earthly justice for Chris, but Divine Justice reigns above all. As a friend tells me often, "God sees everything." It is good for us to believe and remember this.

I am sure all of you reading this have your own sets of "if only's." Hard not to when losing a child. They remain as either small to large scabs in our hearts. Sometimes they bleed. Sometimes they are quiet. But always there. 

Wounds of the heart that implant on our memories and emotions. Ask God or your Higher Power to help you cope. Help you accept. And even help you forgive. Do not let regrets destroy your life. Search and pray for a way you can help other parents. Or find a way to prevent similar deaths. Far better than letting negative thoughts swirl in our minds and consume our beings. We can pray to our children and ask them what to do.

God has let us survive our children. We must find his purpose in doing so. We can't go wrong if we fulfill God's will. I hope this holiday season, no matter which you celebrate, will bring some peace, some resolve and some purpose to all of us. God is always there. 

"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God, and save me!"   Psalm 69: 29

LOST CHILDREN OF MAUI AND GOLD STAR FAMILIES

There is a unique terrible pain when children die  tragically without the parent being with them. This is what happened in Maui and Afghanistan. I was not with my son either when he was killed.

It is very difficult thinking,"I was not there to protect my child. How did he/she die? Did he/she suffer much?What were his/her final moments like?  Did he/she she cry for me? Did he/she think of God? Was he/she gone in an instant and not suffer?" 

On top of all of the above, we are aware of the incompetency, lack of accountability, lack of information, and finally the feelings that we are not being told the truth. My son was shot over the breakup with a young woman who had strong political connections. Her father was the Mayor of the adjoining large city. She lied. Evidence was taken and destroyed. The police, medical examiner and county solicitor were compromised.  They fought me every step of the way just to get the police report and autopsy report.

A former FBI agent who investigated my son's case for me, said as long as the young women and officials continued to lie, along with the lack of physical evidence, it would be impossible to get justice. I wrestled with this with much anguish. I still have doubts that I should have fought harder. But I have come to rely on Divine Justice for the grave misdeeds of others.

But I was one. You are many. If you unite on each of your separate causes, I believe you can succeed. Plus the whole country is watching and behind you. Even the whole world. Most people have an innate sense of fairness. They do not like what has happened to your children and how you have been treated as their parents. More people than you will ever know are behind you. Are praying for you. Keep pressure on the authorities and on the publicity. Get websites. Start a blog. Say what you need. Say who is not helping or is unresponsive. 

You have been strong, though, I know you each have personal moments of grief and despair when alone and during the night. Do not give up. Justice comes to those who wait. And remember, Divine Justice is far harsher than anything man can impose. Say to your child, "May you rest in God's hands until we meet again."

Martin Luther King said, "No lie lives forever." Hold onto that. I know many thoughts keep swirling in your mind. You can try this. Write down each concern, fear, doubt, anger on an individual slip of paper.  Put them in a box of your choosing. Place the box in a safe, private place. When your mind becomes tortured with every doubt and fear, calm yourself. Say, "All is safe in my box. All will be answered, not in this moment, but in due time." Hang onto hope to believe in your cause as you push others to account to you. God bless.

"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me; He freed me from all my fears."

"The oppressed look to Him and are glad; they will never be disappointed."

"The helpless call to Him and He answers; He saves them from all their troubles."

"His angels guard those who honor the Lord and rescues them from danger."  Psalm 34  4-7

Praying for you to have, strength, peace and success in your missions,                                                           

Love, Rosemarie

www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

EXHAUSTION

Losing a child brings an overwhelming fatigue---exhaustion. Plus, inability to concentrate, memory problems and feelings of despair. All of which make our exhaustion worse. Every simple task is like climbing a mountain. Even getting enough energy to get out of bed or up from a chair seems impossible. How can we possibly move and break this spell of inertia. We know we should be doing at least the everyday things, but how? 

Knowing and doing are two different things. Yet, we must venture out of our protective shells to interact with society again, pay bills, wash clothes, take a shower, care for living kids,  prepare meals, walk the dog, interact with your spouse or significant other, and eventually go back to work. Accept and get help where and when you can. Start with something simple like brushing your teeth. See if you can keep going or must go back to the couch or bed. That's all right. You made a start.

Next time, eat something. Something  easy to prepare and soft to eat. Or have a nutritional supplement to drink or pudding. If you can manage it, a nutritional snack bar. Accept offers of people to make food for you and your family. Keep juice, water or herbal tea by your bed or chair. If you don't have these foods you can eat ask someone to get them for you at the store.

I suggest seeing your primary care doctor to make sure nothing untoward is going on physically. That the stress of losing your child has not caused old problems to worsen or new ones to surface. This may mean some tests or a referral to a specialist. It is important to take care of yourself even though you would rather just give up. We cannot and should not choose our time, so make sure you do not compound your problems.

When I saw my primary care doctor, I shared with him that I was seeing a psychologist weekly. He said he did not care how I got there weekly, even if I had to crawl, but he wanted me in that psychologist's office every week. I assured him I would go and work with the psychologist. I also joined a bereavement support group run by a nun with a degree in pastoral care. The group was excellent. There were two other sets of parents who had lost teen-aged children. It was very helpful to talk with other parents going through the same thing. In fact, Sister said it was very necessary to help process my own loss.

About support groups. I would say go to one run by a professional trained in grief and loss. There are many groups run by well intentioned lay people that may or may not be helpful. If such a group is helping you, fine. If not, see if you can find a professionally run group by calling your local hospital social services office, community outreach office. Search on the internet for grief support groups in general, or drug overdoses, or suicide near you. Put in a zip code. If you can, get a recommendation that the proposed group is well run and helpful. If this is too much for you, ask a family member to make the calls or search for you. 

I would highly recommend if you have your living children, get them in grief support. Many hospitals offer such groups for children and adolescents. Kids may not really tell you how they are feeling because they don't want to upset you. They are more likely to open up in a group with a social worker or psychologist who is a stranger. It is always good to set up a "spy system" with a trusted adult relative or adult friend who you child is comfortable talking to. They can have a conversation with your child, then report back to you anything which is worrisome or what may be going on with your kid as far as problems or grieving.

This counseling is very important even if your child was not close to their deceased sibling or they did not get along. In fact it may be even more important in such a case. Medical examiner's offices also offer professional counseling for family members who have lost a child as a result of a crime. You might want to check this out if you have been affected by this type of loss of your child.

I have been setting one task a day to get done besides my personal care---a phone call or appointment I need to make, organizing a drawer, writing some especially in a journal, taking a short walk, doing some exercises even if you only get up once an hour to walk for five minutes, make a simple recipe---a favorite of yours or your family's, Read, pray, meditate for several minutes. Don't make it complicated, too large, or too time consuming. Start out small. Staying there is okay as long as we keep doing something each day. Now is not the time to organize every closet in the house. Don't even try it and don't feel guilty about it.

Start out small and gradually more energy will return. This helps memory and concentration improve as well. Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Grief recovery requires the same approach. I know it is hard, but hang in there. Better days will come.

"I was afraid He had driven me out of His presence. But He heard my cry, when I called to Him for help."   Psalm 31: 22

Love , peace, strength for you all,

Rosemarie

If you have any thoughts of harming yourself, call 988 or 911 for help immediately!

COURAGE

It takes courage for us as parents to go on with our lives after losing our children. What is courage?Courage is strength and fortitude. It takes faith and trust in God or your Higher Power to find courage during the most terrible times in our lives. 

It takes courage and faith to realize that whatever trials or tragedies that brought about our children's deaths are now over. It takes prayer and faith to accept that our children are at peace. They are no longer suffering. They are safe. It takes courage to accept this. Of course, we would much rather have our children physically with us. But that was not meant to be for reasons we do not understand. We must seek faith, strength and understanding to get from feelings of desperation to an acceptance of this terrible loss which has happened.

Acceptance and courage do not happen overnight. It takes time and going through a gradual process. Even if your mind is so scattered and distracted, say to yourself each day, "I will find the strength and fortitude to go on. I will find the courage I need. My child is safe and at peace." Gradually we find that our lives improves somewhat. And keeps improving bit by bit.

In the beginning we find ourselves thinking, "My life is over." It is not. The death of our children is an event we never "get over." There will always be a hole in our hearts for our missing children. But, our hearts will also always be filled with love for our missing children. Gradually the hole becomes a bearable ache. Like the lessening of physical pain.

What may seem impossible today, may seem possible tomorrow or many days from now. Strength and fortitude will come. We can find the courage to go on after this terrible blow. We must set our minds to this. We must ask God or our Higher Power for the courage we will need. It will come. We can come out of the imprisonment of our desperate shell to new lives. Not one we planned, but one that has learned to survive and move forward from a terrible blow.

                                    "....The human heart and mind are a mystery."  Psalm: 64: 6

With encouragement, prayer and love to you,

Rosemarie

website: www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

         If you have thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

STRUGGLING ON MOTHER'S DAY

On top of Mother's Day looming, lately, I have been having a hard time. Tomorrow will be three months since my back surgery. It seems I have been dealing with some serious kind of pain or another for the last three months. Mental and physical exhaustion and grief are not a good combination. A vicious circle most of us have experienced.

Again I asked God, "Have I not suffered enough? "I keep picturing the images of Christ in the light and our meditation circle holding each other up. But, I still don't like this nagging feeling of wanting to give up. Not wanting to get out of bed or wanting to hide in the closet. And Sunday is Mother's Day. I think I will read some healing prayers and Psalms. Maybe listen to some guitar music. Look at photos.

Never an easy day for those who have lost our children. Not sure if I want to go to the cemetery. For those mother's who have living children,  you don't want to spoil the day for your other kids with gloom for the one who is missing. You are pulled in two directions. I suggest a smaller, quieter, shorter event. Going to religious services. A nice walk where there is water or gardens. A toast to your missing son or daughter at dinner. Whatever your choice, please do not choose being alone. If you have no immediate family, make plans with a friend or another relative.

I am fortunate that two of my stepchildren and one step-grandchild have taken to me as "Mom" and "Grandma." It has truly touched my heart. I have to repeat my own advice to myself, "Remember who and what we have left in our lives." Yet, sitting here, I am overwhelmed by all the mothers and fathers who have lost children recently to violence and drugs. I remember the words of my aunt, "Why does life have to be so hard?"

I know there is no such thing as an easy life, but more and more I am asking God if He could just ease off a little bit? I lost a child and even a husband. I paid my dues. Maybe You have me confused with someone else. Check your Big Book, God. Might be someone with the same name. Not that I am wishing ill on anyone else. I just want a break from pain rotating from one spot to another and the grace to get through Mother's Day. Feel free to borrow my informal prayer.

Having my new husband has kept me going. I do not want him to be alone. Before my surgery, I even asked my daughter-in-law (his daughter) to promise me if anything happened, she and her one brother would take care of "Pop." I added I never wanted him to be alone. He means so much to me. I suppose with my blessings, I have to accept my struggles. 

And so it is. Take an inventory of your blessings this Mother's Day. A spouse, significant other, living children and grandchildren, reasonably good health, friends, food, an affectionate pet, a garden, a talent, a home, a livelihood, a business, a car or freedom from financial worries. There are millions of people around the world who have none of this. 

Neither our blessings or their troubles can bring back our deceased children. But we must go with what we've got. It's called "acceptance." Hard as it may be to achieve inch by inch. The one thing we can never do, is go back. So we must push, and I mean push, forward.

May we all receive the support and graces we need on this Mother's Day.

                     "But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, O God, and save me!"  Psalm 69: 29

With love, deep thoughts and prayer,

Rosemarie

           If you have any thoughts of harming or killing yourself, please call 988 or 911 immediately.

LONELINESS AFTER LOSING A CHILD

Loneliness is defined as feeling alone, miserable or isolated. These feelings take on a new dimension after losing a child. First, there is the permanence of losing our children. We know they are not coming back. Then all sorts of "never agains" can come flooding into our minds.

One of my firsts was knowing I would never hear my son, Chris, play the guitar again. When he was home, he was always strumming on his guitar. Playing this or that. Asking me which chords sounded better. When he died, I could not listen to any music in the house for over a year.

So many other familiar things were gone as well. His greetings: "Hi, Mom." His calling on the phone and saying, "Hi Mom, this is Chris." It always amused me because he was my only child so if he said, "Hi, Mom," who else would it be?

The familiar footsteps coming up the stairs if he was late coming home. My dog Amber and I always took that for granted. But after a friend of Chris' visited, Amber switched to the corner of the bed where she could watch the stairs. She remained on that corner every night until the day she died seven years later. I supposed she missed him saying,"Amber, you are the little sister I never had."

If I was laying down in the afternoon, Amber was on the bed with me. If Chris would come home, he would sit on the bed and pet her and talk to her. Sitting between us, Amber always gave this huge happy sounding yawn. That stopped after Chris was gone. She never did it again.

I miss the constant interruptions of his asking me how to set the washer to launder this or that particular item of clothing. I miss going to the diner with him for breakfast or lunch. Meals out became solo. I miss his wonderful sense of humor. His great laugh. His sensitivity. His keen perception. I miss his funny stories. I miss his hilarious imitations of different people. I miss having his friends around. I miss our closeness. I miss our heart to heart talks. I miss his love and affection. I miss him helping me.

I miss who he would have become. He had just finished a trade course and training in printing. Would he have continued to pursue this? Would he have married? Had kids? Started his own business? With his life cut short, I will never know. Yes, the terrible, surprising and unexpected are what happen when we are hoping for other plans. 

The everyday losses and the possible future losses bring a permanent kind of loneliness. Yes, a loneliness that can isolate us in our thoughts, regrets and what if's. Right onto the path of misery. Can we turn this picture over to memories and happy moments instead of the permanence of loss? Yes, it's a heavy lift. But let's imagine we are all doing this together with our fondest memories. And our faith in being reunited with our children in God's good time.

Seek help. Get help. Give help. Despite our loneliness, we are not alone. There are far too many bereaved parents like us. We must sit quietly and tap into each other's pain, strength and determination to move forward bit by bit. Picture a large circle of parents of all ages. We are holding hands and looking skyward on a warm, sunny day. Hoping to move along on this slow journey. But, move along we can.

We will remember the good we had and who and what remain in our lives and our angel children.

    "Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge."  Psalm 62: 8

My love, thoughts and prayers for you all,

Rosemarie

      If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

  

LIFE IS SO HARD

 If you have lost a child, no matter the age or cause, I do not have to tell you just how hard life is. I had an experience a few nights ago. Recently I had a lumbar spinal fusion. I am supposed to avoid bending or twisting. Have you ever counted the number of things you drop in the course of one day? I was in my bedroom closet and struggling with something not going my way, when I broke down and had a little conversation with God.

I asked Him. Pleaded with Him. "Have I not suffered enough? I have had it God. It is time to come home to You. I am done with life." I listed all my travails with my health. Losing both parents within eight weeks of each other. Caring for a husband with a chronic illness for ten years. And finally losing a son and  husband within six weeks of each other.

We all have our moments. When I was done my rant, a picture and presence of a tranquil Jesus, who was kneeling in prayer and light, came to me. I interpreted this to mean Jesus is always there for me. Will always help me. This gave me comfort. This was God's answer. I felt comforted and strengthened. Several times this week, I had to stop and recall that image. Renew my faith and say a short prayer.

Sometimes that is as much as we can do---go from moment to moment because grief has overwhelmed us. Grief brings anger, frustration, despair, hatred, revenge, helplessness, injustice. A full range of negative emotions. It is difficult to control some wounds of the heart. But, we must in order to to move forward eventually.

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know I speak a lot about grief involving choice. We have to choose to overcome  or envision ourselves stepping out of our despair. In other words, not let the loss of our children destroy us. It is a conscious decision we have to make when you realize these negative emotions will not allow you to resume living.

I am not saying forget what happened or you must forgive anyone responsible. What we must do is accept what has happened. Not to let the death of your child forever eat you up with anger, hatred and despair. It is another spiritual dimension from asking "Why God? Why? Why did you let this happen?"

We need to take a big step up with courage to accepting the weakness of our humanity. Acknowledging to God, "I need your help, God, and I need it right now!" It's okay to tell God you are angry at Him for what happened. Then ask Him how to get through what has happened? How to go from tragedy to remembering better times? How to find a way to honor your child? How to find a way to help prevent other children from the same fate?

Consider donating to research. Help groups who support deceased military and law enforcement members. Help others as you help yourself by joining a support group for parents who have lost a child through suicide, drugs, MVA involving alcohol, cancer, homicide. Advocate to get a stop sign or traffic light installed where your child was killed by contacting local officials, attending council meetings. Ask someone to help you by looking up on the internet groups and methods appropriate to your loss. 

Although time helps, grief does not go away, magically, by itself.  By sitting alone day after day on the couch. By hiding in the closet. By denying anything happened. 

Grief is an introspective, interactive and, I believe,  a spiritual process. I found I had to meet with people who had experienced the loss of a child as well. And, also, turn myself over to a higher power. To have faith in God. To others, have faith in Yahweh or Allah. 

You can get through the loss of your child. You can go from despair to finding living and purpose once again.

            "God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."   Psalm 46: 1

If you (or a family member or friend) have any feelings of wanting to harm yourself or ending your life, call 988 or 911 for help immediately.

Peace, hope and love,

Rosemarie

DESPICABLE COWARDICE

Yesterday, I witnessed the most despicable display of cowardice and meanness by United States government officials that I have ever seen. I have great empathy for the parents and families of any of the beloved children or loved  ones who were attacked, injured or killed in one of the United States' major cities. Parents and families were asked to testify before a congressional committee. Why? The local District Attorney is accused of misdirecting his efforts and resources in place of addressing crime and the deterrence of crime in his district. Violence statistics and little or no punishment for violent crimes in his city would support this claim.

One set of Congress members listened respectfully and expressed appropriate comments and sympathy. The opposing side's comments were despicable. No other words, but despicable and cowardly. They ignored the parents' and families' concerns and visible pain as they recounted their horrifying experiences. These members of congress told these people testifying they were no more than political pawns. They expressed no sympathy and one or two even laughed. Laughed at these distressed citizens.

I called those members offices this morning to tell them I knew the pain of losing a son to an act of violence which apparently they did not. I told them their words and actions were despicable.

I feel as if a dark cloud has descended upon me today in seeing such a display of a lack of empathy and cowardice. Directly in the face of these very hurt and troubled folks. Who does that? I will tell you. People who are not fit to serve in the US congress. People who are pawns of their own political party. People who have long ago lost any sense responsibility for serving US citizens in place of enriching themselves.

I am sick of seeing the number of teens and even younger children shot and killed by illegal guns everyday. The numbers are higher than ever. And who is there to support these parents? I am. I feel your pain. To the extent that I can publicly speak or write for you, I promise that I will. I will continue to to stay on local, state and federal politicians. 

Those of us who have lost our children have a voice. It can be difficult to find our voices so people in power feel our pain. To be our own advocates to honor our lost children. To try to keep this violence from happening to other parents. Well, I am no stranger to calling my US congressional representative. I am no stranger to calling the US Capitol. I will continue to do that.

I know many of you do not have the motivation and energy to act because you are weighed down by your grief. I understand. For many of us we feel our lives or a very big part of our lives died when we lost our children. It is like a book whose last several chapters were never written. 

I feel weighed down myself today and more than anything so angry and frustrated by what I witnessed. I question who is there for us? Who can recognize our pain, our frustration, our anger and finally our lack of justice?

The homicide rate is so high now in the US, that police officials say that it is possible to solve less than half of these crimes. That is hardly reassuring to any parent or family who has lost a child or other family member to an act of violence.

I ask myself when will it end? When will school shootings end? When will we have responsible politicians who will help us? Right now, it is not looking good. If you have the energy, call, email or write your representatives and senators. The phone number for the US Capitol is  202-225-3121. Just ask to be connected to your representative or senator by name. I hope some of you can call. We need to have a voice. A feeling that someone knows our pain and can enact legislation to curb this violence and end school shootings. We need hope not discouragement. But, most of all we need action!!!

                                  "The helpless call to Him and he answers... "  Psalm 37: 5 

With love and hope,

Rosemarie

If at anytime you feel helpless or have feelings of wanting to harm yourself call 988 or 911 immediately for help.

RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS TEST FAITH DURING TROUBLING TIMES

Here we are during Easter, Passover and Ramadan. Times which should be devoted to faith and peace. Yet, not only are we grieving the loss of our children, but we are seeing troubles worldwide. The war in Ukraine with unspeakable crimes, especially toward women and children. A once beautiful democratic country reduced to rubble. Tyrants in Russia. Plus China, Afghanistan and North Korea remain on the stage as bad actors. Always saber rattling about nuclear weapons. 

And much division, unrest, hatred, crime and violence in the United States. Brought about by a political party in the White House and Senate that has acceded their power to a very radical, fringe group of progressives. A group bent on gaining power by eliminating political opponents by any illegal means. Their tyrannical ends justify their extraordinary, malevolent means. Causing economic struggles, fear. confusion and governmental retaliation towards many law abiding, hardworking, tax payer Americans. Their supporters think the government owes them everything. Or they are wealthy elites with long time family money, wealth from the financial or tech world, entertainment, pro sports or political positions who are insulated from the real world. But challenge or expose them at your own peril. So much for American freedoms.

All this weighs heavy on me and I believe many of us as we try to find some peace and meaning in a path forward from losing our children. But, there is no good news. We see corruption and punishment of the wrong people. Retaliation toward people. Withholding of much needed aid from people in a town devastated by a toxic chemical railcar accident. Why? Because the population did not vote the "correct way." How many young children will become ill and maybe die from the long term effects of these toxins?We are in fear so we remain silent. And we have enough to deal with our own personal tragedies which sap our energy and motivation.

I am ashamed to admit when the natural time comes for the President and many in his party to meet their maker, I hope they will rot in hell for the evil they have created on this earth. The suffering they have caused while assuring us what "good Catholics' they are. Well I am Catholic. Their statements and actions are not only wrong, but evil. I express my disappointment that Pope Francis has not excommunicated these US politicians whose actions and statements are antithetical to Catholic doctrine. But of course, they would retaliate by probably finding cause to close all Catholic churches and schools and forbid religious instruction nationwide. The US has become a twilight zone.

So on top of our own personal tragedies and problems, this is where the United States is. In a state of tyranny where the American has died because of deceit, greed and something called "progressivism." A movement that supports coming after school children and parents to tell them that any perceived problem the child may have is coming from unrecognized transgenderism. Yet when the trans movement fixes such children, there is a 50% suicide rate. And pre-teens and teens are so confused by what these trans radicals are preaching, that depression and suicide is rising at astounding rates among these age groups. 

How can this agenda be legitimate if they have to use fear, force, unrelenting persuasion, threats and even violence to achieve such abysmal results. This is not a legitimate health issue, but a means to gain control of our kids, strip parents of their rights, take over school administrations. They want to destroy family and traditional values. The agenda is really Marxist based to achieve power, control and greed. Mostly in predominately White schools, but no inner city majority minority schools. I wonder why that is? It makes me even more skeptical of the legitimacy of the trans movement. These are disturbed, malevolent, Satanic inspired people who would bring such harm to children, parents, families and mostly biologic women as well.

If you have already lost a child and have living children, you must come out of your stuporous grief to protect and to find out what your child is being taught in school. Who is allowed to come into the school and what are they doing there? Who is funding them? What books are in the school library? Are Drag Queen story hours being presented? If what you find out is not to your approval, insist that your child not go to the library or be exposed to Drag Queens who are ADULT entertainment.

I have laid a lot on your plate which is not religious services, lilies, traditional foods or Mecca. But our living children must be protected. Must be allowed to have an actual childhood free from distressing and very confusing thoughts. Free from inappropriate sexualization. Free from outlandish, even scary. adult entertainment. The children I have seen at Drag Queen shows are not happy and having a good time. That is a LIE. They look absolutely frightened by the bizarre goings on and bizarre "Queens." Because they do not have their own kids, does not mean they have the right to have access to ours.

If your school district does not see the need to protect its students, then home school or send your child to an accredited religious school. Often, there is financial aid available.

This is not really the blogpost I intended to write. I wanted to wish you all a spiritual, peaceful, renewing religious holiday. Perhaps, it is the blog the Savior, Yahweh, and Allah wished me to write. To save many children from Satan. Evil is apart of our world. Satan never quits.

This is the season of fasting, praying and giving alms. If you can do nothing else, then, pray, pray, pray that our children will be protected and saved. Holiday blessings to you all.

"They make evil plans as they lie in bed; nothing they do is good, and they never reject anything evil. Psalm 36: 4

"Give yourself to the Lord; trust in Him and he will help you."  Psalm 37:

Wishing you peace and strength. Time to reflect. Time to remember. Time to celebrate your child's life. Time to contemplate the future. Time to move forward no matter how slow.

My love and prayers, Rosemarie

THREE MORE CHILDREN WHO WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER ICE CREAM CONE

More children and school staff were killed by an armed intruder last week. My deepest sympathy to these parents and families. Will this time be different? Will politicians send their thoughts and prayers, shake their heads and then walk away. If they are not part of the solution, then they are most definitely part of the problem. There is a lot of legislation that can be passed to stop these shootings.

Politicians are too cowardly to pass legislation to stiffen penalties for school shooters. To make a school shooting a federal death penalty crime. To make any shooting death in which an illegal gun is used a life long prison sentence or death penalty for adults.  And a life sentence for the seller of any gun used in a homicide. But politicians lack the guts to stand up and take a tough stand regardless of who the shooter is. Instead of sending billions to foreign countries, how about some billions in the US to provide federally funded mandated security for all schools. The US has problems too and school shootings have become a very big problem.

Race, ethnicity, age, gender or identified gender should make no difference when a person kills kids. Political correctness is out of place for anyone who indiscriminately mows down kids and school staff with a gun. No mercy. But Congress can't seem to understand this. Soft on crime, cashless bail, no incarceration, no death penalty is the trend of the justice system. And what has this accomplished? Unprecedented increases in crime all across the nation. No one is safe anywhere in the country at any venue. There are fatalities with shootings, stabbings, car jackings. We have reached all time crime records in many large cities. And take public transit at your own risk of death or assault. Barbarians are living among us because there is no fear of any consequence. The inmates are truly running the asylum.

Justice reform for whom? Not these parents and families. Already, certain groups and the media want to make excuses for this recent shooter because of her choice of gender identity and lifestyle. But that was HER choice. Her choice to turn her bedroom into an armory. She is not the victim here. Three dead children and three dead adults and all their parents and families are. I fear she will long be remembered for the wrong reasons. While these parents and families whose lives are forever changed will soon be forgotten. Left to get through life as best they can. Along with the siblings and all the other children who had to experience this horrific event.

Money spent on foreign countries and illegal migrants should be used here to provide adequate mental health care. We do not have enough psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers for the number of people who need psychiatric services. There are not enough inpatient beds for the chronically psychotic mentally ill persons who pose a danger. There are parts of the country that have no nearby mental health clinics. The process of involuntarily committing a persons who are a danger to themselves and others is so cumbersome and subject to appeal that most psychiatrists don't even try. And if they are successful, there are too few places to put dangerously disturbed people. So dangerous people are discharged in 72 hours. Told to take their meds and return to this or that place for meds and out patient treatment. Which almost none do. They wind up with no care, many times homeless and a risk to themselves and others. 

What is Congress doing about the mental health crisis in America? Nothing. We are facing cowardice, corruption and an incompetent, compromised president in the Oval Office. Sending weapons to Ukraine when we need school security throughout  the US and mental health and addiction services in our schools and communities. And sending $55 billion to the Middle East and Africa to protect various countries borders and establish health initiatives. We need US border control and need health initiatives in the US too.

Biden's first response at a public event immediately after this latest school shooting was to first make jokes about ice cream. When there were three dead children who will never have an ice cream cone again. There have been 401 Children killed in US school shootings. There have been 467 children killed in the Ukraine war. The US is also fighting a war on it own soil. Biden briefly mentioned the tragic event. Pushed for a ban on assault weapons. Then went back to the ice cream jokes. Having missed the irony of what he was saying about enjoying ice cream. He is not tone deaf. He is significantly cognitively impaired. So, no help there. That leaves Congress and the Supreme Court.

Schools are soft targets because there is no security as in a well armed guard. There are plenty of retired military and law enforcement officers as well as policemen leaving their jobs in droves. With federal money, every school in America could be made safe. I will be calling my Congressman. I suggest you call yours. Maybe it will do some good. Before another school shooting takes place. And, sadly with no changes in security and mental health, it will happen again. One commonality in school shootings is the shooters are copy cats.

I can only leave parents who have lost children by being shot words of comfort I borrowed again from Sister Joyce Rupp of The Sister Servants of Mary from her booklet, "Prayers in Time of Suffering."

"In this time of my grieving carry me on strong wings.

Be my patience day by day when the heartache refuses to leave.

Be my strength when I am exhausted.

Be my hope when I feel overwhelmed.

Be my faith when I do not understand.

Be my trust when I am distraught.

Be my peace when I am filled with tears.

                                                 Amen

                                             Isaiah  40: 1

Both children and parents are guaranteed LIFE, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in the US. This does not appear to be happening unless you are a criminal.

May God's love, care and mercy be upon those of us who believe in the rule of law.

My love and prayer for your children and that we will see no more murder and grief.

Rosemarie

A VIEW OF TRANSGENDERISM FROM A BEREAVED MOTHER & SCHOOL NURSE.

Dear Transgender Community:

I am making a departure from my usual writing for bereaved parents as I believe this topic to be of interest to all parents, teachers, school districts and the LGBQT community. I write because I want to spare other mothers and fathers the immense pain of losing a child. Life is hard for everyone. I am sure there is pain in the transgender community. But, if you do not have a child, you cannot possibly understand the horrific grief of losing a child. And how a parent's life is never the same. 

I believe there are true transgenders just as there are true gays and lesbians. Probably have been from the beginning of time. The transgender population in the US is approximately 1.8% of the population in recent years. Except in Washington DC, it is 2.8% probably due to two large lobbying groups there. The LBGQT population represents about 3% of the US population.

Being a nurse, I researched if there was any way to diagnose transgenderism other than through behavior or  a psychological evaluation. I came across an interesting university study which used brain MRI's for 164 individuals who did not identify as transgender and 164 people who did identify as transgender. All the 164 individuals who did not identify as transgender, had no brain changes. All the 164 individuals who identified as transgender had brain changes in their hypothalamus. Most specifically, in the area of the hypothalamus which controls body image and gender identity. 

I, personally, believe there was no further investigation into this finding or further research funds due possibly to political correctness. It may not have been the result that was wanted, appreciated or expected. That being said, it is my opinion that any child, teen or adult concerned about confirming their gender identity, should have a consult with a neurologist to get a brain MRI. 

This is only prudent medical practice. Who undergoes hormone therapy which results in huge bodily changes and life long lasting effects without having any studies or imaging? The same for surgery. Who undergoes any surgery, especially, drastic life altering surgery without a diagnosis confirmed by studies or imaging?

I, in no way, want to offend or give a difficult time to any transgender person. But, I believe your cause has been put on steroids by insisting on going into every US school to "find" and "support" unrecognized transgender students. Not every kid who is special needs, shy, unconfident, depressed or being bullied is as a the result of unrecognized transgenderism. You are a tiny minority. Accept and live who you are. Be happy with who you are. 

Indoctrination of young kids and teens to believe they were assigned the wrong gender at birth or that all their problems are the result of not knowing they are transgender is wrong. You would do much better to understand and accept that a child belongs to the parent. Not the school. Not the State. And most certainly not to the LGBQT community. So my advice is change your methodology.

It is never a good strategy to insert yourself between parent and child. It just doesn't work based on my own experience as a school nurse for 38 years and  as evidenced by many heated school board meetings. I know there are federal funds which can be used in the schools to promote your agenda. This had to be approved by the teachers unions because in some cases you have replaced school staff.

I would suggest you use that money, instead, to establish parent support groups. Where you can have parents who suspect their child is transgender or the child has told their parents that they believe they are transgender come for support and information. Not persuasion, not indoctrination and not rebuke as to what terrible parents they are for questioning their child's gender identity conflict. Whenever you have to force, hide or threaten a point of view, it may mean the child is not transgender. There are other studies to show 90% of kids nine to fourteen years old outgrow the idea they are the opposite sex. Same with teens under seventeen. Ninety percent outgrow the idea.

Very troubling is the statistic that 50% of those undergo gender reassignment surgery commit suicide. That needs to be studied vigorously. Was it that gender identity was never their problem or they were not happy in their new identity or unable to adjust to the change? Many others are coming forward to say they regret their decisions to have gender reassignment surgery. The United Kingdom recently closed their transgender treatment facility because after many years, it was concluded they were doing more harm to kids than good. 

I believe if a child is truly transgender, both parent and child know this at an early age. This is where a support group could do a lot of good. Experts in the field could give presentations to parents. Information that is much needed. Then be there for them as support and let matters evolve on their own between parent and child. Support parents getting other opinions. Help parents with school issues.

The thing is, if you protest too much, want to control too much and force yourselves into every school in the US, what does that say? It says you appear to be attempting to recruit innocent kids into a cause that is yours, not theirs. You cannot force kids and adults into being transgenders when they really are not because you want a large transgender community. The statistics I have cited do not support the validity of your methods. Remember what Caesar said, "Yon Cassius doth protest too much."

You are bringing negative attention upon yourselves and the LGBQT community. I don't want that and neither do most people. You have your lifestyle. Embrace who you are, not who you want others to be. Help each other. Be there for adults who want to explore their gender identity and need support. 

I estimate from my annual reports, as a school nurse, I saw a total of 729,000 kids just for injuries and illness. Not counting the additional number of kids I saw for the various screenings I was required to do. As I was 30 years in high school, I can tell you I had kids who were gay and kids who were lesbian. 

Out of All those kids, I had ONE transgender young man in tenth grade who was very open about his sexual identity. His father accepted his decision. His mother did not so he lived with his father. He dressed as a male. Used the boy's bathroom. Was beginning hormone therapy. Told me he had to live a year as a woman to adjust to the change before doctors would do his reassignment surgery. I asked him, because I wanted to see if I was right, if he knew from an early age, he really wanted to be a girl. He was surprised and asked me how I knew. I said, just a belief I had about transgenderism.

I notice that you seem to go into all white, mostly suburban, schools rather than majority minority schools in large cities. Why is that? Is there some hidden agenda? This makes me question if everyone in your movement is truly who they say they are. Hard to trust people and know their motives. Your forceful desire to sexualize children from an early age through teens is what I find objectionable. It is unwarranted, IMHO. Certainly unwelcome by parents. And I believe as a mother and a nurse harmful and confusing. The business of children is academics and play not exploring their sexual identity when they never questioned it in the first place. What are you trying to prove?

I will leave you with an interesting quote from Lenin: "Morality is entirely subordinate to the interests of class war. Everything is moral that is necessary for the annihilation of the old exploiting social order and for uniting the proletariat." Any means justifies the end.

I don't know, but suspect, some of the trans community may using transgenderism as a way of destroying traditional values to promote Marxism. Be cautious. Millions upon millions of people have died, starved, suffered and been imprisoned under Marxism. If part of your agenda is to promote Marxism, be very carful what you wish for. The glories and successes of the proletariat never existed anywhere in the presence of these evil, dark forces. Nor will they for you, the LBGQT community or any of us. 

Much better if we peacefully co-exist without forcing each other one way or another. Without censoring each other. Without interference from each other. Without destroying each other. Without threatening each other. Without silencing each other. Without hiding information from parents about their child. Without believing in victimization, but rather autonomy and achievement. This is the American dream possible for all of us.

OUR "NEW NORMAL"

The "new normal" is far from normal with more and more kids dying from drug overdoses, suicide, violence, mass killings and a pandemic with many versions as to origins, restrictions, treatment and prevention. It has taken a very great toll around the world. I question if we will or can ever return to a pre-pandemic society.

Those of us who have lost a child know our "new normal" is hardly normal in any way, shape or form. Every aspect of our lives has changed. Our time will be forever punctuated by the date, time and manner of our children's deaths. We most likely will always feel some level of guilt, regret, sadness, even brokenness, and fear of the future if we can even foresee a future. Nothing has prepared us for these tragic events. How could it? We find ourselves shutting off from relationships and society. Even wishing the world would just go away.

Add to that, the post-pandemic "new normal" is far from normal. Staggering numbers of kids from pre-teens on up are dying from suicide, drugs or violence. And a small number of young children and more adult children have died from Covid or possible vaccine complications.

I am concerned that the Covid pandemic has made things even worse for us as bereaved parents because of the enforced isolation. Now that the pandemic is supposed to be over, I fear the isolation is not. It has become the "new normal" not only for us as bereaved parents, but for everyone. Let me explain.

I have family of my late husband with whom I was very close. Because of significant health risks with their family members, they limit their contacts. I never see them anymore. I have family in Spain I would love to visit, but my own health risks have made me very fearful to travel so far away. I still miss my two dear friends---one who ended our friendship and the other who has moved away. 

My husband and I only go to restaurants on off hours. We no longer go to movies, fearing that they, too, are a risk. Apparently a lot of other folks do, as well, because several of our nearby movies are closing. I used to go to church, but now I livestream the services because I just had a very serious back operation. Three of my lumbar vertebrae were fused. Two rods and six screws are now part of my ever increasing not so normal "normal." That leaves the four walls, the internet, the phone, books, TV, a beautiful view from my condo and of course my wonderfully devoted husband.

I am going to very honest. My post-operative recovery has been extremely painful physically which makes recovery mentally, emotionally and spiritually very challenging. This is my fourth spinal surgery---two neck and two lower back operations. I am feeling, somedays, I have kind of had it with life. I am telling you this, so you can feel it is possible to go on against nearly impossible odds. I am really down, yet here I am writing to you.

I don't want to take my life. But I have pleaded with God several times in the last week to please take me. I have told him that I have suffered enough. I just can't take anymore pain emotionally or physically. I would like to see my son, late husband, dog, parents and in-laws. Well, apparently God doesn't agree. So with His grace, I am struggling on with faith and my excellent husband. I thank God for him many times a day. I have a beautiful home and caring friends even though I don't see them.

Much has changed and not for the better. There is increased depression among pre-teens and teens along with self-mutilating. Suicide is the leading cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds! Increasing numbers of kids are unwittingly over-dosing on Fentanyl disguised in other pills or forms of candy. And for long term addiction, there are not enough treatment services available. Nor mental health services or personnel available for acute and on-going episodes. There has been increased violence everywhere and, most alarmingly, increased mass shootings and other methods of mass killings.

To those parents who have lost children by drugs, suicide or violence, I am sincerely sorry for your losses. Often, you do not get the same type of sympathy or empathy as the parents of kids who die from illness and accidents. It is called "disenfranchised grief." Somehow, maybe subconsciously, people blame the child or parent for the death of their child. As if to say, "What did you expect? Your kid was or drugs." Or, "Your kid always had problems." And, "The kid was always trouble." It is so wrong. The loss of a child is always the greatest grief to bear regardless of the manner of death.

My recommendation is, if your child died by drugs or suicide, go on the internet and look for local parent support groups specifically for death by drugs or death by suicide. Or call your local hospital social services department to find out if they have or know of any specific groups nearby. And don't forget your other kids. They will need counseling and support as well. Often, mental health centers and hospitals have support groups for kids. Please don't ignore this. As a school nurse, I came across many kids who were grieving for a lost sibling, but had no one to talk to. They don't want to talk to Mom or Dad for fear of upsetting them. I also recommend the book I noted in the next paragraph. If you cannot do this yourself, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you.

If you lost a child through a criminal act or any act of violence, I feel your pain. My son was tragically shot and killed. Perhaps like some of you, I never got any justice for him. Not the one I dealt with, but, police departments can direct you to support services. Sometimes medical examiners have support groups at their offices. A violent death is a unique kind of loss where you do not know what to say to others and they do not know what to say to you. Some medical examiners offices can brings in professionals trained to deal with your complex grief, seeking justice, personal safety and a myriad of other concerns surrounding the criminal justice system like charges, witnesses, pleas and trials. This takes a particular set of knowledge and understanding. There is help for you. Start with law enforcement, the medical examiner, the hospital social service department where your child may have been treated, and community groups often meeting in local churches. Check with your pastor. Check the internet for groups and the library or bookstores for books addressing all these issues. I can recommend a book called, "What To Do When The Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss." It was written by Bill Jenkins whose own son was shot and killed during a robbery at work. There is a forward by well known author Patricia Cornwell. No shame in asking someone to help you with all this. Spouses can do this together. It can help foster communication.

If you lost a young or adult child due to Covid, I am sincerely sorry for your very unexpected, inexplainable loss. I believe this complicated grief. So many restrictions on being with your child, whether young or old, at the hospital. Restrictions placed on funeral arrangements. Add conflicting science and recommendations, more confusing restrictions, maybe loss of employment as well. I can't imagine the anger and frustration you must feel. It compounds your grief when you don't have the answers or the explanations you want. I can understand your needing to know who was at fault here. So far a lot of finger pointing and few concrete answers. No way to know if history will repeat itself with some other kind of pandemic. God forbid. But there are evil world leaders. And other world leaders too weak to act, too ineffective and too compromised to demand answers, to plan prevention strategies or to even care.

We cannot change what has happened. I say, use your anger lean on your elected leaders at all levels. Let them know of your loss, grief and need for answers. If you don't like what you are hearing, vote with as much knowledge and understanding as you can gain. This global pandemic had many geo-poltical ramifications. We all have a responsibility to educate ourselves to protect our living children, spouses, parents, family, friends and others near and far. Vote wisely, no matter how bad you feel. Like my primary doctor told me, many years ago when my son and husband had just died, about going to counseling. He said, "I don't care how you have to drag yourself there, but you get to therapy every week!" So I am saying the same thing about voting. It is that important. 

Life is hard. I just shake my head sometimes in disbelief. I have concluded, no one survives this world unscathed. I believe we only reach perfection and complete happiness when God welcomes us to heaven. "Well done my good and faithful servant." Until then, we must go on with as much faith and strength as we can manage. Pray. Pray. Pray. Study who and what remain in your life. It is not good for any of us to focus on our loss or losses entirely. Otherwise we cannot move forward. It is like having both feet stuck in chewing gum. Hard to move anywhere, much less forward.

                                             "Save me Lord! Help me now!"  Psalm 40: 13

If you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide, call the 988 Suicide Hotline or 911 to get help immediately.

Take care. I would appreciate any comments or followers. My website is www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

Thank you. Be assured of my prayers & love for you. It may seem impossible today, but you will get thru this. 

Love, Rosemarie  

My Heart Aches

My heart aches for the many parents who have lost children in the recent violence that has plagued the United States.  None of these events should have happened, but they did. Several were related to the perpetrator being mentally ill. Others were "copy cat killings." That is a component of mass shootings where one unstable person is motivated to seek the same "notoriety" as previous mass killers. The parents of these killers often lose their own children under a cloud of horror.

I believe that all the details and publicity surrounding these horrendous events should stop because it is motivating other people on the fringe to do the same thing. Publicity should be on a "need to know" basis. This would include law enforcement, parents and close family members, school administrators and employers should this be a  school or workplace event.

The media does not need to know or to harass anyone affected for statements.

The other obvious question is why is it so difficult for disturbed children, adolescents and adults and their families to access convenient, quality mental health treatment? How does a six year old known to have psychiatric and behavioral issues shoot his teacher at school? How can a mother suffering with post-partum depression kill her three precious children then try to take her own life? She was in a support group, but obviously, deteriorated to the point of needing hospitalization and medication. But, was that recognized and available where she lived?

As these tragic accounts become public knowledge, we see repeatedly that the individuals involved were dangerously mentally ill. Yes, the mentally ill have rights, but so do the rest of us. Should persons who are a danger to others have the right to live on a street grate? Camp in front of a business owners door and threaten customers? Push people off subway platforms? Beat a woman so badly that she loses an eye?

Why should victims, parents, loved ones have their lives forever changed, even ended, because the person who harmed them needed psychiatric care? How do the mentally ill, who have been hospitalized, get guns? They lie on the permits. A strong lobby for the rights of the mentally ill opposes a national data base of persons who should not be legally allowed to purchase a gun. 

Why is it so difficult and involved in red tape for a psychiatrist to involuntarily commit the dangerously mentally ill involuntarily for more than 72 hours? Why does the US have a shortage of inpatient psychiatric beds for chronically, dangerously mentally ill patients. Patients who would otherwise not take their medications as outpatients. Wind up homeless and present a danger to themselves and others. How did living on a street grate, park bench, subway concourse or makeshift encampment on a sidewalk or in a park become a right?

Is this the best the US can do for the severely mentally ill who not only affect their own lives, but the lives of their families, school mates and ordinary citizens going about their daily business? Insuring the convenient availability of quality mental health treatment for outpatients as well as inpatients is something that should be a priority for the US Congress. This is necessary to improve lives, save lives and spare the heartache of bad, even violent, outcomes.

Young people and medical students should be encouraged to go into mental health fields with tuition reimbursement. I am not in favor of across the board reimbursement, but in the field of mental health it could be a win win situation. Right now, it is difficult to get an appointment with a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. Very few are taking new patients. Many do not take insurance so the patient has to pay high fees. There has been a rise in depression especially in teens and adolescents since Covid. The number one cause of death in the US in children, ten to fourteen years, is suicide! This is a horrible statistic. Often, situations have to progress to crises before treatment can be obtained. This can result in misfortunes all the way around.

I would urge everyone in the US to call your US Representative and Senator to demand that funding for mental health services be a priority. Plus, funding for research into mass slayings defined as the killing of four or more individuals. The phone number for the US Capitol Building is 202- 225-3121. Follow the prompts or tell the operator the name of the person you wish to be connected to. Nothing happens in the US without noise and pressure. Anyone directly affected should tell your story to your House and Senate persons. 

I know countries outside the US also have violent incidents. You may have different forms of government and health care. But again, if you have been directly affected, contact your appropriate government official. Let them know what has happened to you and what remedies you believe need to be taken. 

None of us can change what has happened. But, it may be possible to keep the same fate from coming to other kids, parents and families. Make phone calls. Send emails. Write letters. Ask for a response and enclose your contact information.

I pray for everyone who needs help to find help, a solution, strength and peace.

"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, oh God, and save me!  Psalm 69: 29

I would appreciate any comments and all followers. Feedback is important to me to know if I am meeting your needs. And what difficulties about losing a child you might like discussed.

May God be your refuge. Love, Rosemarie

www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

WHAT DO I SAY?

What do I say? What do I do? Nothing can prepare you for the unimaginable death of your child. You are completely overwhelmed because your son or daughter has just died. When it comes to informing family, friends and schools of your child's death, these are a questions most readers here have all grappled with or are presently trying to figure out. We dread making some calls because we know the effect this terrible news will have on certain individuals. Whether your child has died after a long fight with a terminal illness or died quite suddenly, these phone calls are very difficult.

If you know your child's death will be certain, you can make a list of names and numbers of persons to be called starting with the most important. There is nothing that says you, as the parent, must make these calls. It may be helpful to list the aid of other family, close friends and church members.

When your child dies quite suddenly, notifications may seem impossible. Give yourself a little time, then call closest relatives and friends. Someone can do this for you with the aid of your computer list, phone contacts or address book.

What to say? Say as little or as much as you want. His/her suffering is over and he/she died. Give a time and place if you want. Say it was peaceful. I was there with so and so. Do not feel compelled to go into details. Excuse yourself by saying you have many calls. If funeral arrangements have been made, say where information can be obtained. 

In the case of sudden deaths, if you would rather not say the cause, just say I am not sure what happened. The determination or investigation is ongoing. I just wanted you to know. This is where funeral information can be found. Or we don't know yet and someone will get back to you. Again, do not feel compelled to go into details. Excuse yourself quickly to "make other calls."

I know you will be in shock even if you expected your child to die. Try not to be alone. Let people help you. Fix you something to eat. Rest even if you cannot sleep. You will feel very tired and have difficulty remembering things. This is part of grief. If you cannot sleep at all, then contact your doctor to see what he/she recommends or may prescribe. Let someone get it for you. Do not drive while you are so distracted. 

It will be hard to tend to personal hygiene and grooming at this time. A warm shower or bath may ease some of your distress. Just dress comfortably. Let someone help you with your other children, pets, laundry, meal preparation, food shopping.

Talk to your kids in an age appropriate fashion. If you are not sure what to say, maybe you could talk to the school guidance counselor or a school grief counselor who may be providing services at your child's school. Or call your pediatrician. Explanations may have to be different if you have kids of different ages by several years. Reassure them that they are loved and safe. That you will be with them. That you will get through this together. If they are old enough, see if they are interested in participating in funeral services. Or very young, see if they want to go to the funeral. If not, don't push it. See if you can find out why.

It is important that parents/spouses/significant others, exes, are on the same page going forward with notifications, the other kids and funeral services. Try to stay calm. Hear each other out as to any specific requests or suggestions. If relatives, etc. are coming from out of town, have the names and locations of several places where they can stay. You are in NO condition to entertain or board anyone. No exceptions.

 Remember women and men grieve differently. Women are more outward in expressing their grief. Men tend to keep things inside. If men cry, and they will, they prefer to do it privately. Support each other, but give each other space. Ask, "Do you want me to be with you right now?" And nothing wrong with just sitting quietly and holding hands. 

People will want to visit you to express their condolences. If you have had enough company for the day and want to rest, hang a polite note on the door: "Thank you for coming. I/we are resting. Please do not ring the bell." Put phones on "Do Not Disturb." Then get to voicemails as you can. Have some family time or individual time to rest or do as you please. 

Maybe the kids need something to wear for the funeral. I would say let an aunt or cousin take them. You may not feel up to an excursion and getting pizza or ice cream which the kids will want. After about two weeks, look into grief support groups for kids. Local hospitals have them. You can call the social work department. Or some individual therapists have children's grief groups. Your child may feel more comfortable, at first, sharing sadness or other concerns with someone not a parent. Then eventually open up to you. They may fear expressing their difficulties will be too hard on you. 

If you need something to wear, have someone who knows your taste, get it for you or go with you in case you need support. As far as the funeral services, as a parent you have to reach inside and summon all the courage and resolve you can. I told myself, this is the last thing I will ever do for Chris, so I have to get through it with dignity. Maybe that will help you.

Meeting with the funeral director will be hard, but it has to be done. An experienced funeral director will be able to get you through this painful experience. Planning the religious services can be confusing. Let someone you trust help you. I planned a program for Chris' funeral. A friend put it in the computer for me and had them printed out. A friend of Chris' acted as courier. Those attending were very pleased to have them. 

I was on my own because my husband was very ill and in a nursing home. I did keep him informed of everything. I gave specific instructions to the nursing home to dress him in the clothes I brought.  A very good friend of his picked him up. Brought him to the viewing and service at the Church. Then to the cemetery, the luncheon and back to the nursing home. This was such a help to me. 

I sat at the luncheon with my husband, his sister and my niece. My husband's cousins planned the luncheon with the owner of the restaurant as they were friends. It turned out very nicely. I still remember sitting by my husband. Little did I know our time together was also coming to a close. He died six weeks later. 

I hope what I have said can be a guide for you for what will, perhaps, be the worst days of your lives. Days I have not forgotten. I am glad Chris was put to rest among family and many friends in a beautiful service. Life is hard. Very hard. My faith, my pastor and several family and good friends saw me through. Pray. Ask for help when you need it. Keep a journal. Write a last letter to your son or daughter and bury it with them at the cemetery. Find a way to honor his or her life. May God grant you strength, courage and peace.

"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God and save me!    Psalm 69: 29