FIGHTING DESPAIR

Your child has died. You feel as if your life has ended too. What reason is there to go on? Your light has gone out. You have lost purpose and energy. This happened to me when my son, Chris, died suddenly and unexpectedly. Then my late husband, Fred, died six weeks later after a long illness. I had no one left except my little dog, Amber. She kept me going along with my faith in God.

Still, I had those desperate moments. No reason to go on, but how was I going to go on? Despair would set in. Memory lapses, confusion, no energy, terrible fatigue of mind and body. No ability to concentrate. How could they both be dead and leave me alone? Where was God? How can I be expected to go on?

One desperate night, I called Sister Dolores who ran my grief support group. She told me I must come to meetings. I must talk with other parents who had lost their children. I must share my experience, feelings, coping methods with them. Hearing each other's stories would give both me and them support.

Sister Dolores had a degree in pastoral counseling. She ran meetings with an agenda. She would go around the table and each person got to speak on each topic on her agenda. It included verses from the Bible. An emphasis on faith and that God had not abandoned us.

I mention the above because some non-professionally run support groups often let one person run with their story and no one else gets to speak. Gets to tell their story or how they are feeling. I tried running a group with another parish member who had lost her mother. When I ran the meeting, I would use an agenda similar to Sister Dolores. It worked well. But the raw emotions expressed brought me back in time to my own raw emotions and most difficult times. So I was unable to continue with the group with my co-coordinator. I was ready to attend, but not help others on the level they needed.

I made progress with individual counseling and antidepressants. Then, many years later, when I felt I had made effective progress on the grief journey, I started this blog. I wanted to help other parents who had lost their kids make their grief journey. It helped me. I hope it helps you.

There is no easy way to do this. Handling the death of your child is the most difficult task you will ever have to do. The most arduous and challenging journey you will ever have to take. But take it you must despite your all consuming despair. If you do not face despair head on, you will be miserable forever.

Get the help you need. Have two to three people you can depend on for support. A close friend or relative who can listen. Go with you to meetings and doctor's appointments. Go to church with you. Go to lunch. Invite you to dinner. Take you places like the movies or craft shows. Remember to pray for strength and peace. Go to church. If you cry when attending your own church, try another church for a while.

Despair has you staying in bed or sitting alone on the couch. Not good. You need help and limited social contact. Unless you want to become a bitter angry, isolated person who struggles to meet their most basic needs. As always, the choice is yours. Will you take the tough therapeutic road or the ineffective no action road to extended despair? You can achieve a "new normal" and lead a productive meaningful life. A life in which your fortitude will help you, your family and other parents.

....."We are in darkness now, but the Lord will give us light."  Micah 7: 8

"WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?"

"Why does God hate me?" I have asked God why he hates me in many moments of despair and anger When I lost my good son who did not deserve such a violent death and under suspicious circumstances. When my dear husband suffered from a chronic illness and died at age 57 six weeks after our son died. When I was battling breast cancer. Chemo was the worst. Plus, five breast surgeries. Through four spinal surgeries. Through recovery from the rare Stevens Johnsons Syndrome. Pain most of my adult life from atypical trigeminal neuralgia from a dental injury. Now battling fibromyalgia with days of pain and/or exhaustion. Even my Pastor said, "We have been through a lot together over the years." 

There are times when I want to give up. When I feel God is not on my side.  No doubt with the loss of your own sweet child at whatever age, from whatever cause, you have despaired with anger. You have asked God, "Why do you hate me, God? What have I done to deserve this?"

Or you have bargained with God to do better in your life. To not do this or that. To do good in order to prevent your child from dying. Then he or she died anyway. You got angry at God. Felt he hated you because despite your promises to him, your child died. Somehow his or her life was not meant to be.

Father Joseph Wolfe of EWTN Catholic television assures God knows us and loves us through our anger and despair. He knows us just as he knows every speck of sand. Even if we hate him, he waits patiently for us to return to him. To love him again. He understands our grief, our loss, our complete devastation. And that in our anger we blamed him for our child dying.

As I have said before, our children dying is part of our human condition on earth. We do not have perfection in this life. Bad things happen to even good people. God sees all. He waits for us to return in our time. Helps us to find the words to explain to him why we were angry and despaired of his love and caring. For our absence until we realize we need him again.

God often sends something or someone to help us. Do not spurn God's love and surprising good ways. God sent me a loving, supportive, good man after I had been alone for 17 years. We eventually married. Now, unexpectedly, I have a very large, loving step family. My husband has six children with numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren. I could have never predicted this. I still have longing moments of missing Chris and Fred when I am with them. I wonder who these new people are and how and why I am there. Then I snap back wistfully. We play the cards we are dealt.

Open your hearts and minds to God's love. He has been there even though you have not. See how God can help you heal. See what he can help you accomplish. You were never hated or abandoned. "Be not afraid," is the most quoted phrase in the Bible. Come back to the table of God's love. "Draw near and listen to me," are God's words according to St. Luke

"The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those who have lost all hope." Psalm 34: 18

 

THE ROAD IS LONG WITH MANY A WINDING TURN

"The road is long with many a winding turn..." comes from the song "He ain't heavy. He's my brother" written by Bob Russell and Bobby Scott and recorded by The Hollies. Those words best describes the journey we grieving parents must travel to move forward after losing our children. And yes, the road is long with many a winding turn as we carry the heavy burden of the loss of a child.

Unfortunately, there are many winding turns that can derail us while we're grieving. There is deep depression, separation and divorce,  job loss, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, pornography, domestic violence. Perhaps some of us have been around those turns. If so, get help. Fight back. 

Remember he/she "ain't heavy."  The spirits, the memories, the love of our deceased children live on in our own hearts and minds and in our own spirits. He or she is always with us. We will carry him or her for as long as we live, but they're "not heavy," they're our kids. Our kids who will always be with us in a different way. Not the way we would have chosen, but a way within us.

We, as bereaved parents, can travel this road to move forward to where the pain is not all encompassing. Let's make our kids proud. Honor their memories by not falling apart. Be strong. Do whatever it takes not to get sucked down the wrong turn. Individual grief counseling, a professionally run support group, prayer, faith, journaling, meditation, yoga, tai chi, but most of all determination to make it down the road in one piece. The choice to empower ourselves is ours.

"I am weak and poor; come to me quickly, O God. You are my savior and my Lord---hurry to my aid!" Psalm 70: 5 

Love, peace, and strength to you all, Rosemarie       

USING FAITH TO CHANNEL OUR GRIEF

Many of us are angry at God for not sparing our children's lives from an illness or serious accident, an act of violence, suicide, a miscarriage or a life threatening birth defect. We ask God, "How could you let this happen?" "Where were you God?" "Did you not hear my prayers?" "How could you not let me see my child was so troubled, in so much trouble?"

Hard as it is to accept and comprehend, God or our Higher Power is there to hear our prayers, our wailing, our cries, our suffering.  We need to tell Him we are so angry at Him and why. Get it all out. Then take some deep breaths to calm down. Take a little time. Pray and ask God how He can help us not to forsake our faith in Him. 

Try to realize He knows of our distress and wants each and everyone of us to find relief. And to find some meaning from our child's life and death. God is there with us guiding us to inspire us and to enlighten us. This will take time and faith to understand. Don't give up. Stay with me. Like I have said many times, we are not guaranteed perfection in this life.  So we must play the cards we are dealt and come up with a life plan.

In the Catholic religion it is customary to offer one's pain and suffering for a greater good. For example, when I am down about my son or in pain from my spine or fibromyalgia, I offer my suffering for the rescuing of the many children who are being sex trafficked, torn from their homes and forced into prostitution and pornography. I pray they will be found and returned to their parents and family or otherwise get the safety, care snd love they need. I pray my son Chris will get the truth and justice he deserves.

Perhaps we can all find a way to channel our pain. And a way to memorialize our children---a tree; a bench; a run; raising money for the cause of their death; raising awareness of the signs of suicide; speaking about the dangers of drunk driving and the dangers of street and internet drugs; file a lawsuit to raise awareness of product dangers; file a medical lawsuit to raise awareness of the dangers of poor medical care; join a support group and get grief counseling. 

Spread information. Save kids lives and keep other parents from going through what we have gone through. Have faith and ask God for guidance. I chose to write this blog as a way to help other parents who have gone through what I have been through. We must each find our own path to handle the pain of our children's deaths. I chose my faith in God, a support group, individual grief counseling, and writing a blog. There are many options above. We have a way to process our grief and help other parents' grief journey. Have courage.

"I am in trouble, God---listen to my prayer.  Psalm 64: 1

AN OPEN LETTER

This is a change from my usual format. Today I am writing to young people who are contemplating suicide, driving drunk, using drugs and/or alcohol daily, contemplating a school shooting or live a life of gun violence to commit crimes.

First of all, your parents  will not be better off without you. They will be heartbroken if you die. Their lives will never be the same no matter how long they live.  Maybe you get a high living in a fast lane with drugs or using guns to mow down who you perceive to be your rivals. There is only one likely outcome here. You will die either from an overdose or someone will shoot and kill you. 

Your drug buddies, your dealer, your fellow gang members are not your family. Your parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins are your family. You may not think so, but they care about you. They will miss you terribly if you die. It will be very hard for them to go on with their lives if you die. Is this really what you want? To hurt all those who care about you? For your life to end?

If you are contemplating suicide, don't do it. Things can get better. Everyone goes through some sort of tragedy, thinking their life is not what they wanted or planned, but ending your life is not the answer. You need help. You can call 911 or 988 to get immediate help. If you don't feel you can talk to your parents, then talk to your school counselor, school nurse or school resource officer. Say you need help and are thinking about suicide.

Their jobs demand they get help for you and notify your parents so you can go to a mental health facility to get counseling, maybe meds or detox. This is what you need to protect your life. You do not need to die. These people are trained to counsel parents as well. Together with you and your parents, they can arrange for you to get immediate help.  Again, no matter how much pain you are feeling, suicide is not the answer. No one will be better off without you. Whoever is in your life, will have pain and sorrow for the rest of their lives. Is this what you really want? Be brave. You can go on. If someone is abusing or molesting you, you, you must share this information with your school counselor, nurse, administrator or school resource officer so it stops and you can get help. Your friends cannot change this. You need adult help.

Thinking about shooting up the school, then shooting yourself is not the answer to anything. It is not normal thinking. Do not touch any weapons. CAll 911. Tell the dispatcher what you are thinking. Whether you are armed or not. They will send officers and EMT's who will take you to the hospital. They will notify your parents. Together the officers, your parents and the hospital can place you in a facility where you and others will be safe. Nothing is to be gained by shooting other students or teachers. This is not the way you want to go down or be remembered. There is no glory here. You will only be remembered by the community with hatred. 

For older adults, employers often have mental health counseling programs through employee health. Phone numbers are usually posted at your workplace. You must get help. Call 911 or 988 or your country's emergency hotline number. Ending your life or shooting up your workplace is not the answer no matter how angry you feel. Walk away. Call 911 or 988. Revenge is not the answer no matter how wronged you feel. A shooting will not solve anything and can only land you in jail or the morgue. Is this what you want? Wanting to destroy other people's lives is not normal thinking. Get help.

If you are using drugs and/or alcohol daily to zone out, you need help. If you are unable to talk to your parents, get help at school. Call 988 to talk and they can help you or hook you up with someone or someplace that can help you. You are engaging in very risky behavior. If you do not get help, your life will most likely end tragically. Is this what you want? Do you really want to do this to your parents, family and friends? You are not alone. There are drug counselors and programs that can help you detox and steer you back in the right direction. Don't give up. Call 911 immediately if you are having a bad reaction to a drug.

If you are in a gang to sell drugs, shoplift, rob stores of cash, kill rival gang members, there are only two ways your life can go---prison or a slab in the morgue. Find a trusted adult to confide in. My suggestion is you go live with family, preferably in another state, and lay low and stay there. Clean up your life with God, the Church, a community group, school, sports. Keep your head down. Don't brag about your past life. Go to school daily. Be respectful. If you can't handle school, then get your GED. Get into a trades program for a job or go to community college. You are not beyond redemption if you work at turning your life around. Be grateful to whoever has taken you in. Don't bring trouble to their doorstep.

There is a lot to digest and take in here. The bottom line is harming yourself or others is never the answer.Your goals should be to live a safe life and not bring trouble to yourself and pain to others.

Get the help you need. Wishing you peace and strength, Love, Rosemarie

A few words from the good book:  "Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell him all your troubles for he is our refuge."   Psalm 62: 8. 

THE "NEW NORMAL"

 With the weight of our sorrows after the loss of our children, reconnecting with family, friends, co-workers and outside society in general, seems like trying to step onto a moving carousel. The world is whirling and we cannot catch up.

Imagery can help. Picture a door frame. We are on one side with our sorrow, bitterness, anger, regrets and uncertainties. Step into the doorway and picture and feel all our negative emotions melting off of us. Stay in the frame as these emotions pour out and melt away like a puddle beneath our feet. Pray to be released from these negative emotions. Now, leave them behind with a big sigh of relief.

Walk through the door. Picture your child well, happy and healthy and bathed in a bright light. He or she is saying, "I'm all right Mom/Dad. I am safe and happy. I have plenty of friends and lots to do. I miss you. I know you miss me, but, I am okay." Embrace the feeling of relief which will come. Cry if you need to.  

Practice this imagery whenever feeling down or you have to go to work, care for living children, do chores or need to go outside the home. Take the bright light with you along with your child's image and assurances.

Have faith one day we will be reunited with our children in God's time. Be patient. All will be well. With this imagery, we have managed now to step onto the moving carousel of life. We have come to the other side of the door to the "New Normal." To new possibilities with our family, friends and the demands of every day living.

"......The human heart and mind are a mystery."   Psalm 64: 6

STAGES OF GRIEF

The grief in our hearts over the loss of our children, never goes away or "closes." However, this same grief can evolve through a series of steps from "denial to acceptance that we can learn to live with. "

I was motivated to research these steps by the very famous Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross writing about the steps of death and dying. I came across the writings of Regina Rosell, PysD, who describes the five stages of grief. Much which I write here is from Dr. Rosell's writings and explanations. She describes the five stages of grief as:

1. Denial

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Let's take them one by one. We'll each try to see where we are along this spectrum and what we can do to help ourselves.

DENIAL:  We have difficulty comprehending the reality of our loss. I remember I kept asking how this could happen??? How my beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, smart boy could be dead??? He was alive just yesterday. He left me a note he had fed the dog and let her out. I assumed he went out with his friends or to visit nearby cousins. I had no idea he was taking a six hour ride across the state to see the young woman he had broken up with. The one I told him not to go see as I felt his life was in danger. Had I been right? Well, now he was gone. How could this happen???? I didn't know how I could tell my poor, sick debilitated and dying husband.

ANGER: We direct anger at other things and other people, at ourselves and at medical personnel. I couldn't stop blaming the young woman Chris had been involved with and her father. And myself for not realizing in our last phone call how much he was distressed. I said over and over, "That horrible whore!!!" What had she done to my son? What role did her father play with his political connections as Mayor. I know he was behind this. I was sure he sent one of his police officers to the daughter's house to scare Chris away from his daughter. I kept picturing a man in a brown uniform struggling with Chris. Something went horribly wrong. Chris was shot and now he was dead. I called her. I called the school where she taught. I left messages with not the nicest language. Her father had covered everything up, even the media. Liars all of them. Even the hospital who never called me.

BARGAINING:  We try to make "deals" with our deceased children, ourselves and God to reverse the course of events or bring about a certain outcome. About two weeks after his death, I prayed to Chris to come back. My pain and his father's was so bad. I told him to go God and ask Him to raise him from the dead as He had done with Lazarus. I told Chris this over and over. My pastor had to tell me this was unlikely to happen.

DEPRESSION:  Pervasive sadness, inability to eat or sleep, loss of concentration, can't make decisions, feeling physically unwell are typical with grief. But, all of which can progress to clinical depression. I felt I had failed terribly as a mother. I thought the whole world knew I failed to protect my child, God's greatest gift. I felt there was a scarlet letter "F" on my back so the whole world knew I was a "failure" as a parent. My sadness progressed to clinical depression when my husband died six weeks after Chris. Even though I had told Chris, at his funeral, his job was to bring Dad home.                                                          I had been in therapy, but now I was hopeless. I thought with Chris and my husband both gone, I had no reason to live. No reason to go on. I felt unsafe with my medications. My psychologist arranged for my pastor to keep my meds and dispense them to me in small quantities. I found a wonderful spiritually based grief support group run by a Catholic nun. She was wonderful. If you feel hopeless or think you need help or support get in a grief support group or with private grief therapist. Have a primary care physician, a close friend or relative or community mental health center help you find the appropriate care. 

ACCEPTANCE:  Our sadness remains, but we learn to live with it. Somehow, early on, I realized that I could go on or let the losses of my son and husband destroy me. I decided to choose life. I also knew from being a nurse, no one wants to be around an angry, bitter person. So I put on a brave face. It took a long time until the smile on my mouth actually reached my eyes. So with steps forward and backward, I finally reached an ability to move forward very slowly. I evolved. My grief evolved. I learned to live with grief. 

Depending on how grief moves or does not move forward with evolution, Grief can be Uncomplicated or Complicated.

Uncomplicated means the devastation we feel lightens a little over a two year period. I was able to function, not at 100%, but enough to get by. In the words of Dr. Rosell, "grief softens."

Complicated grief is a different. It extends for a long period of time. It is debilitating, intense, prolonged and preventing the return to a somewhat normal life. In the words of Dr Rosell, "If you feel you are suffering, go talk to someone." A professional therapist or group where grief can be "talked about, shared and witnessed." Loss produces grief and grief is the "normal and natural response" to a significant loss, especially a child.

Grief is not easy so say the least. Recognizing the stages may give us reassurance that we are not crazy and not forever damned in acute sorrow. The grief journey is "a web" that through its evolution can bring relief to our hearts, minds and spirits. "Don't ignore or stifle feelings." But it is still possible to get really down.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, in the United States call 988 or 911 immediately.  In many other countries, text HOME to 741741 immediately.

"God is our shelter and our strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken, and the mountains fall into the ocean depths; even if the seas roar and rage, and the hills are shaken by the violence.  Psalm 46: 1-3