JUSTICE DELAYED IS JUSTICE DENIED

Too many parents never find justice for the lives of their children who have been murdered. A case goes cold. Or their precious bodies are never found, but presumed dead. And some of us must live with this uncertainty for 20 to 30 years or more.

It has been 25 years since my Chris was killed. His death was ruled a suicide by, IMO, a compromised medical examiner and a compromised county solicitor because the chief alleged suspect/witness was the daughter of a very well known and influential local politician. A big fish in a small pond. Too many findings at the scene and too much missing and destroyed evidence made a determination of suicide questionable and this conclusion seemingly impossible. Plus, contradictory statements from nearby neighbors as to what the chief witness/alleged suspect did that evening, particularly, the timeline of her whereabouts at the time of Chris' death.

The chief investigator as much as admitted to me he could do no more as his hands were tied by the also compromised (my words) county solicitor who would not consider a cause of death other than suicide. He added sometimes we have to wait until our final destiny to get justice. A former FBI agent, who I hired as a private investigator, told me I could exhaust all my money and all my time and energy and still not find justice for my son. People had conspired to lie and would continue to do so. Evidence had been lost, destroyed or tampered with. I got hysterical crying when he told me this. I couldn't calm down.  I am not sure how I ever managed to drive home. 

Even the state's Inspector General's Office could not help me. I am sure many of you have had similar experiences. I see the crime investigation shows on TV. Sometimes parents wait 30+ years for an answer and justice.  It comes because the family exerts continuous pressure on law enforcement or they are fortunate enough to get a dogged investigator who stayed on the case. Determined to find justice for some parents' child. God bless.

Many of us, even with community efforts, were denied justice for our murdered or missing and presumed dead children. I have said before, this is a very bitter pill to swallow. Even with a guilty verdict for the accused, parents must go through years of appeals and then parole hearings to assure justice. The convicted or accused have more rights than can be imagined. The victims and families not so much. Why is that? Why the imbalance? What seems should be self evident is filled with legal intricacies not favorable to our children whose lives have been taken.

I pray that one day, Chris will get the truth and justice he so richly deserves. Faith can move mountains. For those parents affected by similar tragedies, pray with me for truth and justice for our kids. In the end, we must all face Divine Justice. Better to go with a clear or repentant conscience. Have faith that we will be re-united with our children. We cannot let tragedy, anger and bitterness define our lives. This is very difficult, even impossible, to accept in early days. But life responsibilities and our other children and relationships have to go on.

I know the pull to sit in a dark closet and wait to die is strong. We have to reach deep within ourselves to find strength we did not even know was there. Do this. Have faith. Pray.

"The wicked plot against good people and glare at them with hate.                                                                   But the Lord laughs at wicked people, because he knows they will soon be destroyed."                                                                                                                                           Psalm 37: 12 & 13  

If you have feelings of wanting to harm or kill yourself, in the US call 988 or 911. Outside of US, call your country's emergency number or have someone take you to the nearest hospital Emergency Room.  

A CHILD'S DEATH PUNCTUATES EVERYDAY LIFE

The dates and times of our children's deaths are forever seared into our brains. For me, it has meant when the number nine or September comes up, I pause to realize that is the month of my son, Chris' birth and  death. If any number around twenty-three comes up, I calculate how many days this is is before or after Chris' last earthly birthday. If twenty-four or near there comes up, I remember Chris died on September 24th. 

It is an odd mental exercise. Perhaps some of you do this without realizing it. Perhaps it is part of PTSD which the death of our children can cause. Perhaps, it is a way of accepting or transitioning into a life without our children. An internal, subconscious clock that repeatedly punctuates our lives and  most certainly time. A means to accepting without ever forgetting.

How very unfair for us as parents to be reminded of our children's deaths by so many simple things. But, this is, unfortunately, how our lives are now. Just as I recall September 19, 1976, as the date of Chris' birth, I remember September 24, 1999 as the date of his death.

We cannot avoid these recollections, these calculations, these dates. They come into our hearts and heads because the dates of these significant events punctuate our lives into before and after. We did this or that when son or daughter was alive. We can no longer bear to do this same activity on a particular date since our sons or daughters died. 

I can't say, "Do not do this,"  because somehow, punctuating is a method of coping, of handling our lives and containing our grief. And a time of year that brings fond memories, plus anger and sadness that the happy times have been cut off by another date. We all do this. We are not alone. Nor, are we crazy.

Our punctuation points will never go away, but we need to strike a balance within ourselves depending on where we are in our grief journey. Anywhere from complete absorption in grief or several days of melancholy which pass.

I suggest daily journaling to help express grief and a way to see our progress in re-integrating life without our children. Do TaiChi, pray, yoga, massage, relaxing music, gardening. Or a new hobby like painting, pottery, making beaded jewelry, sewing, a walking club.  Whatever helps lift you up mentally and physically. None of this will bring back our children, but it will help us accept the facts as they are. To stay grounded in reality. Out of bed, avoiding self neglect, off the couch, even out of a dark closet or away from the TV screen 24/7.

Mourning a child is the worst of any pain. But the pain has to be confronted gradually to help us, as parents, move forward inch by inch to having a life again for ourselves, our spouses, our partners, our living children and for gainful employment. Life will go on around us for a period of time. Then bit by bit we find a new sense of "normalcy."  How we get there is an individual, but necessary, process for each of us. We are not okay with what has happened. Nor should our lives be defined and destroyed by the deaths of our children. This the mysterious "acceptance" I so often mention, punctuated as it is.

"But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, Oh God, and save me!"   Psalm 69: 29

P.S. My sincerest apologies for being away for so long. I am juggling several health issues and frequently in much pain. I hope you will pray for me as I do for you.

Love, peace and strength, Rosemarie

HOMICIDE: ROLLING BACK THE STONES OF ANGER, PAIN, DESPAIR, GUILT

 Losing a child by homicide is a cataclysmic event. Our worlds stop with disbelief, confusion, horror and denial. Then comes the anger, despair and guilt. Why wasn't I there to protect my child? How could this happen to us? This happens to other people on the news. My son or daughter was so good.

There are few if any answers which gives rise to more frustration. Add the realization that dealing with the criminal justice system is very confusing and very slow.  Years can go by with no arrest and no trial. Then you learn of all the rights and defense a possible murderer has. You wonder where are the rights of my murdered child? Finally facing the "alleged" criminal in a courtroom seems terrifying. Missing your child, anger, despair, guilt are the holes lying in your heart like stones.

We recently celebrated the Easter holiday where Christians celebrate the Resurrection of Christ. The huge, round finely ground stone was rolled back from His tomb. Christ emerged in a powerful light to complete His redemption of mankind.

I was inspired to write this blog from the words Pope Francis said in his homily at the Easter vigil mass. He encouraged the faithful, like Christ, to roll back their own stones of anger, hatred, despair, guilt, revenge that lie deep in our hearts. That struck a cord with me.

I could see in my mind the rolled back stone and Christ, bathed in Light, emerging from the tomb. I took comfort in that. I challenged myself to examine my own heart and see what stones were weighing me down when it came to the death of my son. Perhaps you can visualize this for yourselves. Look deep into your heart and see the stones that remain. Heavy burdens for you to carry.

Perhaps you can relate. I have anger that my son, Chris, never received any justice. Anger that he did not listen to me when I told him not to go see this girl because, intuitively, I felt his life was in danger. He did not listen and was killed. I have guilt that I was not there to prevent this outcome. I have shame that I wasn't a good enough, an attentive enough mother. I feel shame that I neglected to raise him with the same strong faith I have. Now is the time for you and me, with Jesus' help or your Higher Power, to roll all our stones back.

Picture pushing your stones out of your heart and letting them roll down a hill. Then look up. Picture the Light of Christ or you Higher Power receiving your child protectively for eternal life. Our children are bathed in the Light of salvation, forgiveness, and love.

They are safe now in the care of the angels. No more pain, no more illness, no more drugs or alcohol, no more bullying, no more depression, no more self harm, no more anorexia, no more accidents, no more gambling, no more brutality, no more betrayals. That is all gone. Our children are with family who have gone before us and maybe even a beloved pet who left this earth.  Your stones can safely roll away into another dimension. They will always be there. But further away. Further from causing us pain. Held down at the bottom of a hill. We can come into our own Light of love, peace, strength. Picture yourself in your own Light.

When God determines that out time on earth is at an end, we will see our children again. We will all be comforted together in the Light. The Light of Redemption and eternal life are the messages of Easter. Practice letting your stones roll away with some deep breaths and gentle stretching if you are able.

Bathe yourself in the Light. And pray: "May God hold you in His Hands until we meet again."

All the blessings that our various religious holidays bring. Love, Rosemarie

SUICIDE SORROWS ARE EPIDEMIC

A veil of sadness, loss of purpose and loss of self-worth have descended upon the world. This is causing a rise in severe depression resulting in suicide especially in young people. In the United States the chief cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds is suicide. This is shocking and alarming. Kids whose lives have barely started, are giving up on life.

I noticed I had numerous readers from Singapore. I do not know any readers identity, but this program allows me to see the number of readers from different countries around the world. I was curious to learn why my blog would have so much appeal in Singapore. I learned that suicide is also very prevalent in Singapore, particularly in ages 15 to 39.  Astounding, as well, that persons about to embark on life or in the prime of life are killing themselves. The rate of suicide is up 24% since WWII according to author and Pastor Max Lucado in a recent podcast interview.

I believe these deaths bring unique and added sorrows for the parents in any culture who lose a child through suicide. First of all, why, why, why did this happen? I partly understand the disbelief and confusion that surrounds the parents of children who commit suicide. My son made three suicide attempts with his prescription medications for attention deficit disorder and depression.

We blame ourselves. How Did this happen? How could I not see it? I should have known. What did I do wrong? Why didn't he/she come to me for help? Did anybody know? Are they sure it was suicide? These questions race around parents' heads endlessly. They beg for answers.

If that isn't bad enough, people, even family members, tend not to be as empathetic toward child suicides as for kids dying from accidents, foul play or disease. Almost like they are thinking, "Well, the kid had problems. This is no surprise." It's called disenfranchised grief. So feeling this is not in any parents' imaginations.

Where to start? What to do? Who can help me? I know I need help, but where should I go? The best thing to do is find a grief therapist. One who has experience with suicide deaths. Ask your personal physician for a reference. Call the social work department of your nearest large hospital. Go online. So much medical care today is virtual. Also, if you have other children, they should be in therapy. They may act as if they are all right, but believe me, they are not. 

Then look for a parents' bereavement support group for parents who have lost a child to suicide. Go online to find a group nearest to you. It may mean you will have to try more than one group until one "fits" If lacking the stamina, mental clarity or ability to search out any of the above, ask a trusted relative or friend to help you. Even take you or accompany you if you are a single parent.

Strange as this may sound, medical examiners' offices often have support groups and lists of accredited  therapists. Just call and ask if they can help or know someone or a group that can help. Please do these two things--therapy and support. Sitting alone at home is not going to get you  through this. The grief journey, difficult as it is, is a pro-active process. 

Lack of energy, fatigue and forgetfulness are all a part of grief. Don't be hard on yourself, if these symptoms are problematic. Whether you choose to take medications for anxiety, depression or sleep is a conversation you need to have with your physician and therapist.

Your child's suicide was symptomatic of the fractured world we live in. School bullying, fears of being shot in school, harmful types of social media, gender confusion, violent lyrics of some musical entertainment, violent video games and over-sexualized TV and streaming. All these portray a harmful and confusing world that is unachievable. Fiction is presented as reality.  

Kids today live much of their lives online. It seems to make them ill equipped to want to talk to each other. Know how to relate to each other and to you face to face. The real world is colliding with the online world with very bad results, especially depression and alienation from home and family. There are dark forces online luring kids into a dangerous and disenfranchising cult like worlds. Some groups try to take the place of family. They, promote running away and leaving school for a life of drugs and crime. There are all kinds of predators misrepresenting themselves online.

Unfortunately, few grounding foundations remain for kids to rely on, or feel self esteem, or see a possible role in the world for themselves. And finally, to avoid danger and indoctrination. There seems to be no good or evil. anymore. No right or wrong in this world of relativism. Religious studies and church attendance have plummeted. The Ten Commandments are scorned along with the "golden rule"and the patriotism. Kids can have so many activities, there is never time for family dinners. Love of family, the Pledge of Allegiance, the National anthem, pride in school achievement, love of family values, love of country and love of God or a Higher Power are scoffed at and derided in this "modern" age. There are dangerous indoctrinations taking place at all levels of education. Anxiety lurks with news of wars and terrorism. Children hear much more hatred and fear than kindness and hope through harmful ideologies.

Adult children can have addictions, debt, marriage and relationship troubles and employment difficulties.  Because they are adults, it is difficult for parents to intervene, to get information, to give advice or insist on any relevant treatment. Parents cannot control the actions of an adult child.

I say all this because many parents are blaming themselves for their children's suicides, when they were not to blame at all.You and your child have been facing insurmountable goals in an increasingly hostile world. Any child can fall prey to negative forces. Raising kids during this period in history has become a Herculean task. Trying to guide an adult child can be just as challenging.

Parents, be good to yourselves. Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally. Though this may seem like a great effort, it is a place to start. You will hear words such as closure, moving on and getting over it. These are not applicable to losing a child which is like a book with unfinished chapters and unanswered questions. 

Couples be kind to each other. Women and men grieve differently. Women grieve more outwardly. While men seem to hold things in. Men think they must support their wives or female partners. Women think their male partners are not grieving. While men may feel their wives or partners are overly emotional. This places a great stress on a relationship and is a good reason to be in therapy. The rate of divorce and separation after the death of a child is high. Don't let this happen to you. You need each other now more than ever

Make sure your other children are in positive environments that align with your values. Limit their screen time on all devices. Use as many parental controls as are available. Get involved in suicide prevention efforts. Helping others will help you.

You cannot change what has happened. You must eventually accept you have been dealt a very heavy blow hard to  get out from under. A hole will always remain in your heart. Questions in your mind. Helping other parents to not experience what you have, will help you move forward. Forward to pray, to hope, to ask your child to help you and to watch over you.  To memorialize your child's life in a manner of your choosing. 

There is a choice when your child dies. To let it destroy you or to go on for yourself and for who and what remain in your life. You can still have a productive life. Not the same life, but a life where you can extend a hand to others and find unexpected strength.

To quote Max Lucado, "Rather than despair, do the next decent thing." And, "God never gives up on you."

"But I am in pain and despair. Lift me up, O God, and save me!   Psalm 69 :29

If you or someone you know has thoughts of harming or killing themselves call 988 or 911 immediately in the United States.

In Singapore, call 24/7 Hotline at 1767 or 955 for someone in immediate danger.

I apologize to my faithful readers for not being there for you for an extended period of time. I have been in much physical pain from medical complications following my back surgery. You are always on my mind and with me. Please pray for me that my pain will be relieved and I will pray for you as always.

Love, Rosemarie 

 

CHRISTMAS, REGRETS AND IF ONLY'S

Whenever I watch a crime show on TV, I think of my son. I told him not to go see this young woman he had been dating. I felt his life was in danger. But, he did not listen and went. He was shot and killed. No one was ever charged due to her father's political influence, a corrupt county solicitor and corrupt medical examiner.

So when I see these shows and the efforts some families have gone to for twenty to thirty years, I always question myself. I guess this one show seemed especially painful due to Christmas being here and having just been to the cemetery. 

I told my husband how I was feeling. Chris's death was ruled a suicide. I never believed it, but those in my support circle, family and friends did. My husband was too ill for us to form a plan of action. He died six weeks after Chris. His death was a blessing. He was a very good man and never deserved to suffer as he did. Before Chis's viewing started, I sat down by his coffin. I placed my hands over his. I told Chris, "Chris your job now is to bring Dad home to  heaven." Chris must have heard me because six weeks later, my late husband passed in his sleep.

I told my husband last night, that I could not stand going through a trial. Listening to the defense tell lies about Chris. A good kid who never had so much as a traffic ticket. Nor, could I bear to see any photos of his death scene. Plus, I was very fearful of the young woman's father. He is not a good man. He was formerly president of America's miners' union. A very tough and crime ridden outfit. 

And at the time of Chris's death, he was mayor of a nearby large city. Powerful enough to keep all mention of my son's death out of the media. Powerful enough so when his daughter was fired from her job because of her relationship with Chris, he got her a teaching position with the school district in his city. I was both shocked and amazed by this. No other person with her record would ever have been given this second chance. She was not even state certified to teach in elementary education. Well, as is said, "It's not what you know. It's who you know."

I went on with my husband, "Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I shouldn't have let my fear stop me. His advice, "Don't torture yourself with if only's. You can't change what happened. It was not your fault. Don't go on with if only's, you cannot change things now or probably even then."

He is right, of course. I was so spent. So grief stricken. My late husband had been seriously ill for 10 years. In a nursing home for almost three years. I had recently finished chemo for breast cancer and very radical surgery. The two deaths and cancer treatment had all happened in 21 months time. I had nothing left emotionally and physically. I tried three different lawyers. None of whom were optimistic and advised me not to try and pursue getting justice for my son. Easy for them to say. Very hard for me to bear. A very bitter pill to swallow.

What got me through this was my faith in God and Divine Justice. Maybe I could not get earthly justice for Chris, but Divine Justice reigns above all. As a friend tells me often, "God sees everything." It is good for us to believe and remember this.

I am sure all of you reading this have your own sets of "if only's." Hard not to when losing a child. They remain as either small to large scabs in our hearts. Sometimes they bleed. Sometimes they are quiet. But always there. 

Wounds of the heart that implant on our memories and emotions. Ask God or your Higher Power to help you cope. Help you accept. And even help you forgive. Do not let regrets destroy your life. Search and pray for a way you can help other parents. Or find a way to prevent similar deaths. Far better than letting negative thoughts swirl in our mind and consume our beings. We can pray to our children and ask them what to do.

God has let us survive our children. We must find his purpose in doing so. We can't go wrong if we fulfill God's will. I hope this holiday season, no matter which you celebrate, will bring some peace, some resolve and some purpose to all of us. God is always there. 

"But I am in pain and despair; lift me up, O God, and save me!"   Psalm 69: 29

LOST CHILDREN OF MAUI AND GOLD STAR FAMILIES

There is a unique terrible pain when children die  tragically without the parent being with them. This is what happened in Maui and Afghanistan. I was not with my son either when he was killed.

It is very difficult thinking,"I was not there to protect my child. How did he/she die? Did he/she suffer much?What were his/her final moments like?  Did he/she she cry for me? Did he/she think of God? Was he/she gone in an instant and not suffer?" 

On top of all of the above, we are aware of the incompetency, lack of accountability, lack of information, and finally the feelings that we are not being told the truth. My son was shot over the breakup with a young woman who had strong political connections. Her father was the Mayor of the adjoining large city. She lied. Evidence was taken and destroyed. The police, medical examiner and county solicitor were compromised.  They fought me every step of the way just to get the police report and autopsy report.

A former FBI agent who investigated my son's case for me, said as long as the young women and officials continued to lie, along with the lack of physical evidence, it would be impossible to get justice. I wrestled with this with much anguish. I still have doubts that I should have fought harder. But I have come to rely on Divine Justice for the grave misdeeds of others.

But I was one. You are many. If you unite on each of your separate causes, I believe you can succeed. Plus the whole country is watching and behind you. Even the whole world. Most people have an innate sense of fairness. They do not like what has happened to your children and how you have been treated as their parents. More people than you will ever know are behind you. Are praying for you. Keep pressure on the authorities and on the publicity. Get websites. Start a blog. Say what you need. Say who is not helping or is unresponsive. 

You have been strong, though, I know you each have personal moments of grief and despair when alone and during the night. Do not give up. Justice comes to those who wait. And remember, Divine Justice is far harsher than anything man can impose. Say to your child, "May you rest in God's hands until we meet again."

Martin Luther King said, "No lie lives forever." Hold onto that. I know many thoughts keep swirling in your mind. You can try this. Write down each concern, fear, doubt, anger on an individual slip of paper.  Put them in a box of your choosing. Place the box in a safe, private place. When your mind becomes tortured with every doubt and fear, calm yourself. Say, "All is safe in my box. All will be answered, not in this moment, but in due time." Hang onto hope to believe in your cause as you push others to account to you. God bless.

"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me; He freed me from all my fears."

"The oppressed look to Him and are glad; they will never be disappointed."

"The helpless call to Him and He answers; He saves them from all their troubles."

"His angels guard those who honor the Lord and rescues them from danger."  Psalm 34  4-7

Praying for you to have, strength, peace and success in your missions,                                                           

Love, Rosemarie

www.rosemariekauppauthor.com

EXHAUSTION

Losing a child brings an overwhelming fatigue---exhaustion. Plus, inability to concentrate, memory problems and feelings of despair. All of which make our exhaustion worse. Every simple task is like climbing a mountain. Even getting enough energy to get out of bed or up from a chair seems impossible. How can we possibly move and break this spell of inertia. We know we should be doing at least the everyday things, but how? 

Knowing and doing are two different things. Yet, we must venture out of our protective shells to interact with society again, pay bills, wash clothes, take a shower, care for living kids,  prepare meals, walk the dog, interact with your spouse or significant other, and eventually go back to work. Accept and get help where and when you can. Start with something simple like brushing your teeth. See if you can keep going or must go back to the couch or bed. That's all right. You made a start.

Next time, eat something. Something  easy to prepare and soft to eat. Or have a nutritional supplement to drink or pudding. If you can manage it, a nutritional snack bar. Accept offers of people to make food for you and your family. Keep juice, water or herbal tea by your bed or chair. If you don't have these foods you can eat ask someone to get them for you at the store.

I suggest seeing your primary care doctor to make sure nothing untoward is going on physically. That the stress of losing your child has not caused old problems to worsen or new ones to surface. This may mean some tests or a referral to a specialist. It is important to take care of yourself even though you would rather just give up. We cannot and should not choose our time, so make sure you do not compound your problems.

When I saw my primary care doctor, I shared with him that I was seeing a psychologist weekly. He said he did not care how I got there weekly, even if I had to crawl, but he wanted me in that psychologist's office every week. I assured him I would go and work with the psychologist. I also joined a bereavement support group run by a nun with a degree in pastoral care. The group was excellent. There were two other sets of parents who had lost teen-aged children. It was very helpful to talk with other parents going through the same thing. In fact, Sister said it was very necessary to help process my own loss.

About support groups. I would say go to one run by a professional trained in grief and loss. There are many groups run by well intentioned lay people that may or may not be helpful. If such a group is helping you, fine. If not, see if you can find a professionally run group by calling your local hospital social services office, community outreach office. Search on the internet for grief support groups in general, or drug overdoses, or suicide near you. Put in a zip code. If you can, get a recommendation that the proposed group is well run and helpful. If this is too much for you, ask a family member to make the calls or search for you. 

I would highly recommend if you have your living children, get them in grief support. Many hospitals offer such groups for children and adolescents. Kids may not really tell you how they are feeling because they don't want to upset you. They are more likely to open up in a group with a social worker or psychologist who is a stranger. It is always good to set up a "spy system" with a trusted adult relative or adult friend who you child is comfortable talking to. They can have a conversation with your child, then report back to you anything which is worrisome or what may be going on with your kid as far as problems or grieving.

This counseling is very important even if your child was not close to their deceased sibling or they did not get along. In fact it may be even more important in such a case. Medical examiner's offices also offer professional counseling for family members who have lost a child as a result of a crime. You might want to check this out if you have been affected by this type of loss of your child.

I have been setting one task a day to get done besides my personal care---a phone call or appointment I need to make, organizing a drawer, writing some especially in a journal, taking a short walk, doing some exercises even if you only get up once an hour to walk for five minutes, make a simple recipe---a favorite of yours or your family's, Read, pray, meditate for several minutes. Don't make it complicated, too large, or too time consuming. Start out small. Staying there is okay as long as we keep doing something each day. Now is not the time to organize every closet in the house. Don't even try it and don't feel guilty about it.

Start out small and gradually more energy will return. This helps memory and concentration improve as well. Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Grief recovery requires the same approach. I know it is hard, but hang in there. Better days will come.

"I was afraid He had driven me out of His presence. But He heard my cry, when I called to Him for help."   Psalm 31: 22

Love , peace, strength for you all,

Rosemarie

If you have any thoughts of harming yourself, call 988 or 911 for help immediately!