DEATH NOTIFICATION

Will any of us ever forget the moment we found out our children had died. Whether the police came to our homes, the doctor in the emergency room gave us the horrifying news, we were at our child's bedside, or a military chaplain came to deliver unspeakable news, the moment is etched in our hearts and minds forever.

I was home. Up late, 1:00 am, and watching tv with my dog, Amber. The doorbell rang. Amber woke up and looked up from her bed. I looked at her and said, "Who could that be? Chrissie must have forgotten his key." The moment is etched in my mind forever. As I am sure it is for all of us.

I went to the door. To my surprise, two police officers were standing there along with my next door neighbor. They asked to come in. For some reason, Amber was unusually quiet and not barking as I complied with their request to and let them in.

The officer, a sergeant, got right to the point. He said they were there about my son, Chris. I became alarmed. I said, "He must have been in a bad accident for you to be here. Can you take me to him?"

The sergeant responded. "No, M'am. Your son is dead. He shot himself. He was in Richland Township, PA." I had to sit down. I responded, "Oh no. That's not possible. He has dyslexia. He couldn't load a gun. He would shoot himself in the foot."

The officer continued. "Apparently he took his own life. He shot himself in the chest." I responded, "Oh no! He wouldn't do that. He was going through some things, but he promised me he would not take his own life. He was depressed because he was breaking up with a young woman. But he promised me he would not harm himself."

The sergeant asked to use my phone. He called the medical examiner for for Richland Township PA. He gave me the phone. The medical examiner spoke with me. He said he ruled Chris' death a "suicide." He cautioned me that I should not blame myself and I should try my best to "get over it," He was an elderly man by the sound of his voice. I thought to myself, "What kind of crazy old coot is this? Just like that he ruled his death a suicide." I was immediately suspicious of this young woman's father's strong political influence. He was Mayor of a neighboring large city, a former coal miners union official who brought jobs and industry to the city after the coal mines closed. He was revered in that area of the state and very influential. The police called my priest and my late husband's cousins. They came. So far I had not fallen apart. I had too many questions.

As the days unfolded, many things came to light especially after the medical examiner burned Chris' clothes without permission of the police. The funeral director told me Chris had a bump on top of his head. That Chris had already been embalmed which I had not given permission for. No further forensic exam could be done. Hmm. 

I spoke a few days later to the detective assigned to Chris' case. He told me two rounds were fired from the gun. Only one entered Chris' chest and there was no exit wound. The other bullet and shell casings were not found at the scene. The young woman said she barely knew Chris. She had lent him some money and he had come to her home to pay her back. 

She was an instructor at the state vo-tech school Chris was attending to learn the printing trade because he had a learning disability. He took Ritalin for ADD. Every student in the school was considered as having a disability. So fraternizing between students and faculty members was strictly forbidden. It was cause for dismissal. She knew she was in trouble, and more importantly, so did her father. None of this incident was good for him politically so he kept the whole incident out of the press, broadcast media and off the internet. Like I said very influential.

He is 83 years old now. Retired to Florida. The medical examiner is long gone. I hope they rot in hell along with the county solicitor. He blocked the local police from any further investigation by refusing to consider any other cause of death other than suicide. Even though I had given the detective copies of all the love notes, cards and letters she had given Chris. 

I was six hours away. My late husband's family believed Chris committed suicide. This included his cousin, our lawyer. He was concerned if I went after this young woman, she could sue me for defamation. My aching head. On top of all this, my husband was terminally ill and in a nursing home. With the help of his sister and my niece, we broke the news to him. He reacted better than I thought. Still, I was concerned.

After the funeral service and burial, he asked me to take him to the cemetery. I did. Because he asked, I told him where Chris was buried. Where I would be buried and he would be buried. I knew then, it would not be long. I had a sense he had come to peace with the inevitability of his own death and at peace with Chris' death. I told Chris, as I held his hand prior to the viewing, his job was to bring Dad home and he did. Six weeks after Chris died, my late husband, Fred died. And there I was alone with my dog.

I consulted lawyers, private investigators with no luck in pursuing the truth of what really happened with Chris. He has never gotten justice. I still have faith that in exchange for a legal favor someone will some day come forward to the police with the truth about Chris' death. I think he was shot by a police officer her father sent to the daughter's house in order to shake things up. So a break-up with this young woman would happen. I think she and her father set a trap for Chris, but things went horribly wrong.

I am sure all of you have an equally heartbreaking experience surrounding the death of your child. Like me, every detail will forever remain with you. Chris died in 1999. Here it is 2025 and I remember it clear as yesterday all those years ago. And that is okay. I have happy memories that remain with me as well. I pray for peace and strength for all of us.

"Leave your troubles with the Lord, and He will defend you."  Psalm 55: 22

Please follow me on facebook and X (twitter.) Go to www.rosemariekauppauthor.com to connect to the links. Thank you. God bless.

Love, Rosemarie

THE TERROR OF TERRORISM

As the bible says, "We know not the day nor the hour..."  I feel that way about brutal acts of terrorism. Where are we and our children safe? Certainly not at outdoor events in large cities. Unfortunately, there are fourteen sets of parents who can attest to that. And a set of sixteen more parents and families who wait bedside as their children receive moderate to intensive care. Outcomes tragically uncertain.

Why is there so much hatred and fanaticism in the world? Why is it so easy to make bombs and IED's in order to cost the maximum number of lives and maim so many others? Why are illegal weapons and illegal drugs so readily available? Terror attacks are hardly the way to convert people to an ideology. Terrorism creates more hatred, not conversions. Do terrorists really believe they can convert the masses to their ideology and kill all those who refuse to convert to their radicalism? And thus rule the world. 

This is very disturbed thinking for a group, who now due to poor political decisions, has the ability to make nuclear weapons and billions of dollars to get whatever weaponry they desire. I hope and pray we will see some turn around in these capabilities with a new United States administration in 2025. I pray for change and safety for all our children and us as parents.

I also hope we will see significant changes in the ability to have long term care for the truly chronically and dangerously mentally ill. Instead of continued inpatient care, many of the mentally ill live on the streets where the public is subject to their dangerous delusions and hallucinations. Go to any news site and read the horror stories of innocent victims falling prey to a dangerously mentally ill person's violence. This problem needs drastic and immediate solutions.

Finally, the gangs of teens who get illegal weapons and shoot up entire neighborhoods in pursuit of some rival teen. Again innocent victims fall prey to this gunfire. People are afraid to leave their homes. The only solution I see here is no bail and stiffer penalties for crimes committed with an illegal weapon or a weapon used illegally. Our streets and our schools need to be safe from those whose lack of values pose a danger to all of us.

Behind all these examples are mostly young people who have lost their lives through no fault of their own. And behind all those who have succumbed to violence are parents, siblings and families who hope for justice for their child and loved one. But, no amount of punishment or money can ever bring back a deceased child.

Prevention is the only solution. We need federal law enforcement to devote much more effort and resources to the true terrorists of this world. We need an overhaul of our mental health care and facilities to provide inpatient long term care. We need to support law enforcement in its efforts to stem the tide of violence. We need effective district attorneys and judges who will impose bail and stiff sentences to make crime not worth the effort. Now, there are simply no deterrents. We need an effective closed borders that do not invite dangerous criminals and drugs into our country to cause more heartbreak.

The dangerously mentally ill, drug dealers, gangs of teens and dangerous illegal immigrants have become US domestic terrorists. They hold the law abiding business owners and everyday citizens hostage to their crimes and evil. The world seems upside down and inside out because of progressive "soft on crime" policies. And terrorists are successful because federal authorities have taken their eyes off the ball from real individuals who are actual threats.

I mourn because behind every statistic of a victim of violence are parents, families and friends who no longer have a child and loved one. Things need to change. Citizens have a right to feel safe going about their daily business and seeking education and entertainment. Enough of official incompetence and corruption. Hiring, promotions and added official responsibilities need to be merit based. No more lies, evasions and cover-ups in the greatest nation in the world. Politicians need to be held accountable for solutions to the problems we face.

I look forward to competence, change  and lives saved in 2025. Peace and blessings to all in the New Year.

"I have confidence in your strength; you are my refuge, O God."  Psalm 57: 3

Love, Rosemarie

May Your Laughter Live: VIOLENCE UNCHECKED

May Your Laughter Live: VIOLENCE UNCHECKED: In a season supposing to bring "peace on earth and good will to men" recent violent events depict anything but. A man sets fire to...

VIOLENCE UNCHECKED

In a season supposing to bring "peace on earth and good will to men" recent violent events depict anything but. A man sets fire to a woman on a subway car in a major city. An ideologic fanatic mows down New Years Eve revelers with a truck in a major city. A military vet, with unmet severe mental health issues, blows up himself and his truck  in front of a famous hotel in a city known for entertainment around the world. Hostages are still being held, under terrible conditions, in a war in the Middle East.

What is happening? First of all political incompetence and political corruption played a role in the loss of life in all these events.  The more things change, the more they stay the same. But all the deaths associated with these global events involve some parents' son or daughter.

So as we visit the Christ child in the manger, light the Menorah candles or cite the principles of Kwanza, let us not forget the pain of other parents as we recall our own losses. We all have our own anger and losses and, sadly, more parents are joining our ranks. 

There is no doubt that evil walks among us. Some of us have experienced it first hand. In my humble opinion, the only way to combat evil is prayer and good works. I know many of us are angry at God for the circumstances surrounding the deaths of our children. But this same God still loves us and we need Him to navigate and to survive our grief journeys. The alternative to asking for God's help is to remain embittered and angry. The choice is ours--to survive or just exist. 

My prayers and sincere condolences to any parent who has recently lost a child in what is supposed to be a season of joy, happiness and renewal, not burying your child. You can and will get through this heavy dark cloud of grief hanging over you. Your life will never be the same, but you can have a life of productivity instead of paralysis. 

Find a way to honor your child's life instead of a memorial at their place of death. Do not isolate. See small groups of trusted family and friends. And pray, pray, pray. Tell God how you are feeling. How you feel hopeless. Even how angry you are at Him. Cry. Punch pillows. Write a daily journal. Write a letter to your child and bury it at his or her gravesite. You can and will come out the other side of this blow. Do not give up. Get counseling. Take prescribed medication for anxiety or depression in the short term. There is hope. Do not give up.

Wishing you all hope, strength and peace in the coming days. Love, Rosemarie

If anyone is feeling hopeless and suicidal, call 911 or 988 in the US or got to your nearest hospital emergency room. There is no shame in asking for help in times of severe loss.

"Leave your troubles with the Lord, and He will defend you." Psalm 55: 22

THE CEMETERY DURING CHRISTMAS

 Visits to our children at the cemetery are always difficult. But during Christmas and the holiday season, these visits are especially difficult. Family members are gathering from far and near, but someone is missing. The child or children we have lost are not joining in family dinners and other festivities. We may look like or pretend we are having a good time, but we do do with a wounded, aching heart.

I find for myself, I am somewhat sad and apprehensive for several days before visiting my son at the cemetery. Then, I go accompanied by my husband. We placed a holiday decorative grave blanket on just the right place in front of the headstone. I pray. I reminisce. I talk to my son and late husband. I tell them how much I miss them and bring them up to date on recent activities and plans for the holidays. I assure them they are not forgotten. I ask them to help me be strong. I tell my son I am so very sorry for what happened to him. That he had met such an evil, manipulative, deceitful young woman who cost him his life.  I apologize for not being able, not being strong enough, to go through a trial. To get justice for him. After Dad was gone, I had no one by my side.

I ask if he has made friends in heaven. If he is playing the guitar. Taking music lessons.  Even in a band. I tell him I hope he has re-connected with his grandparents and second cousins he met only briefly or not at all. I tell Chris I am glad he is safe. That we currently live in a crazy, dangerous world of many self centered people who cannot be true friends to anyone. I tell him I love him, Dad and our dog, Amber. I tell Chris to take care of Amber. To tell her I will be there someday. Not to tease her. I pray he is safe in heaven. I ask him if able, to help me win the lottery. I am trying to win a new SUV. That night, the Pick 4 number was 1976, Chris' birth year. Coincidence? Will let you know if I win the SUV.

Despite the love, the reassurances, the humor, I remain melancholic for several days. I try to focus on the positive  aspects of our "conversation." And his birth year appearing in the lottery. I like to think he heard and, more importantly, understood what I was saying. Felt my everlasting love. How I miss him. How I wonder if he could have made his living in printing, the tech course he just graduated from. If he would have found love. Had kids. Bought his own home. I hope my love came through the sorrow. I know he never meant to hurt me, his Dad and Amber who missed him faithfully until she died seven years later. We all loved Chris and he loved us. That's what matters and what I need to remember most.

"May you rest in God's hands until we meet again."  Irish Proverb

I wish everyone a spiritual and peaceful Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza. May we all be protected in God's loving hands.

Love, peace & strength, Rosemarie

"Praise the Lord, who carries our burdens day after day; He is the God who saves us." Psalm 68: 19

LOSING CHILDREN IN WARFARE CONTINUES

 Although I wrote about this topic in October 2022, the world has reached a very volatile state with more dangerous weapons and squabbles among allies. Wars now rage in both the Middle East and in Eastern Europe. Many countries are on edge. There have been deaths of entire families with young children killed or abducted. And many deaths among young adults who were hostages or members of the military. Fears of further escalation mount. 

Whether as an intended or unintended casualty of war in battle, the loss of a child is still the loss of a child. The biggest questions are: "Why did this war happen?" "How did my child die?" "Did my child suffer?" "Could my child still be alive?" "When will this fighting end?"

These casualties are heavy and unbearable worries for which, most times, there are no answers. We, as parents, can pray for an end to these wars, for the return of our children, or the return of their remains to honor them in death. Be assured the world prays with all affected parents in their grief and worry. Prays God or your Higher Power will sustain you in your loss. A just God understands your pain, loss, anger, hatred and desolation. He knows you are sleepless, not eating, crying, pacing and wondering if He sees you. He does.

A friend, always says to me, "God sees everything." Only our Higher Powers can sort through these earthly disasters to come to a solution. To hold you up in your tremendous sorrow. To point the way for a journey to strength and peace.

Write down each day what you are thinking and feeling. Don't worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation. You are not being judged on your narrative skills. Write down your memories of your child. How proud you were of him or her. Their hobbies, favorite foods, birthday parties, special personality traits, their struggles and achievements. This is their's and your special life story. Keep it in a safe place. When dark thoughts come, and they will, remember what you wrote about your child. Read over your writings for sustenance.

You are embarking on a long journey you never wanted to or thought you would take. God is always with you so you are not alone. Try to find others with the same losses. Veteran groups and the internet are some ways to find support groups. It is very important to talk with other parents going through the same grief. Pray. Pray. Pray. Fight injustices. Attend religious services and support groups. Be realistic about who and what will help you. If the front door is barred, go through the back door or a window. Justice can be elusive.

You can survive, but you can't do it alone. You need God or your Higher Power, a support or veteran's group and one good friend or family member who will listen to you and support you. Sitting alone on the sofa or refusing to leave the house will not return you to a productive, yet different, life. There is no going back. Moving forward is your only choice to complete your mission and make your child proud.

"But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up, O God, and save me."  Psalm 69: 29

Blessings, peace and strength to you. Love, Rosemarie

If you have thoughts of harming yourself call your country's emergency number immediately!                    In the United States, call 911 emergency or 988 suicide hotline immediately.                  

"TAKE ME HOME"

 I recently spoke to a woman who lost two adult children. She now cares for an ill husband. She says every night before going to sleep she prays to God to "take her home." This sentiment and prayer are very familiar to me, and perhaps, many of you. As I aged and dealt with a plethora of health problems, I went through a patch where I prayed the same prayer.

I wanted to see my son, late husband and dear dog, Amber. The grief, that is alway pricking our minds, spirits and bodies, was overcoming me because of so many health challenges. Probably, many grief and stress related. I felt done. I felt I had given enough. I had no more to give. No further purpose. No more energy to go on. I just wanted the peace of their embrace and peace of mind and body.

Luckily, life intervened. I did not want to leave my husband alone without me. Then I started feeling the presence of spirits coming to me. Perhaps something similar has happened to you while awake or in a dream. Oddly enough it was my aunt, whose sone had committed suicide, who came to me. I still feel her presence. Like she is on my shoulder. 

I close my eyes and I feel many spirits. My son, another cousin, my father. I had the feeling they were holding me up. Giving me strength and energy to go on until God deigns it my time to go. Close your eyes and see who immediately comes to mind. That is who is helping you survive.

We are all in the hands of God or our higher power until He calls us home. It is not something, no matter how tempting, we are supposed to decide. I have a very good friend whose father was in his nineties. As she would fuss over him even though he was amazingly independent, he would say, "When the Man upstairs wants you, that's it."

Destiny placed us here, but God decides when it is our time to return. We can interfere with our own destiny with suicide or dangerous, risky lifestyles. But who are we to interfere with God's plan? 

We have lost our children, but God still has a plan for us. It is now our destiny to find our new purpose in life. It takes courage to stay the course. Life is neither fair nor easy for anyone. We have been dealt a heavy blow. Now it is up to us to accept this blow. To find meaning and purpose. To help other parents or kids who are struggling with the grief of losing a child or sibling.

"But I am in pain and despair; Lift me up oh God and save me."  Psalm 69 :29

Love and God's blessings on all of you, Rosemarie 

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call your country's emergency number.       In the United States call 988, suicide prevention hotline, or call 911 emergency number.