Your child has died. You feel as if your life has ended too. What reason is there to go on? Your light has gone out. You have lost purpose and energy. This happened to me when my son, Chris, died suddenly and unexpectedly. Then my late husband, Fred, died six weeks later after a long illness. I had no one left except my little dog, Amber. She kept me going along with my faith in God.
Still, I had those desperate moments. No reason to go on, but how was I going to go on? Despair would set in. Memory lapses, confusion, no energy, terrible fatigue of mind and body. No ability to concentrate. How could they both be dead and leave me alone? Where was God? How can I be expected to go on?
One desperate night, I called Sister Dolores who ran my grief support group. She told me I must come to meetings. I must talk with other parents who had lost their children. I must share my experience, feelings, coping methods with them. Hearing each other's stories would give both me and them support.
Sister Dolores had a degree in pastoral counseling. She ran meetings with an agenda. She would go around the table and each person got to speak on each topic on her agenda. It included verses from the Bible. An emphasis on faith and that God had not abandoned us.
I mention the above because some non-professionally run support groups often let one person run with their story and no one else gets to speak. Gets to tell their story or how they are feeling. I tried running a group with another parish member who had lost her mother. When I ran the meeting, I would use an agenda similar to Sister Dolores. It worked well. But the raw emotions expressed brought me back in time to my own raw emotions and most difficult times. So I was unable to continue with the group with my co-coordinator. I was ready to attend, but not help others on the level they needed.
I made progress with individual counseling and antidepressants. Then, many years later, when I felt I had made effective progress on the grief journey, I started this blog. I wanted to help other parents who had lost their kids make their grief journey. It helped me. I hope it helps you.
There is no easy way to do this. Handling the death of your child is the most difficult task you will ever have to do. The most arduous and challenging journey you will ever have to take. But take it you must despite your all consuming despair. If you do not face despair head on, you will be miserable forever.
Get the help you need. Have two to three people you can depend on for support. A close friend or relative who can listen. Go with you to meetings and doctor's appointments. Go to church with you. Go to lunch. Invite you to dinner. Take you places like the movies or craft shows. Remember to pray for strength and peace. Go to church. If you cry when attending your own church, try another church for a while.
Despair has you staying in bed or sitting alone on the couch. Not good. You need help and limited social contact. Unless you want to become a bitter angry, isolated person who struggles to meet their most basic needs. As always, the choice is yours. Will you take the tough therapeutic road or the ineffective no action road to extended despair? You can achieve a "new normal" and lead a productive meaningful life. A life in which your fortitude will help you, your family and other parents.
....."We are in darkness now, but the Lord will give us light." Micah 7: 8